Different Picks.

And a Puppy!

Well, I’m not quite ready to enter a world where I have to talk about something aside from picks on Fridays.  February is going to be a tough month.  Maybe I’ll start reporting on the weather in Clearwater.  For now, to ease the transition and to kill time before Super Bowl Sunday, I’m going to make some other–less glitzy–selections.  We’ll keep track of how I do.  The 52% winning standard I set on football is going to be awfully tough to live up to.  Let’s make some bank….

The Abu Dhabi Classic:

This is a tightly bunched field.  Tiger fired a 69 in round two to pull into a massive logjam in 4th place, two shots behind Thorbjorn Olesen.  Oh, you haven’t heard of Thorbjorn?  The leader is currently 16/1 to bring this home, but I’d never touch such an unknown commodity.  The conditions are apparently getting tougher, which might bode well for Tiger’s putting woes.  If no one goes real low, he’ll be right there.  Give me…

4,000 units on Tiger at 3/1:  Tiger is the co-favorite right now with Rory McIlroy, but Rory doesn’t quite look on his game.  I think Tiger  has a pretty good shot at this thing.  Sorry Tiger fans out there for that massive hexola.

1,000 units on Sergio Garcia at 14/1:  Serigio is currently three shots behind Olesen, but only one back of the massive pack at 5-under.  Sergio got back in the winner’s circle late last year with back-to-back wins.  This could finally be his year–13 years after the fact.

1,000 units of Robert Rock at 25/1:  Rock is a solid player in the pack at 5-under and only name recognition I imagine is keeping his odds this high.  Is Tiger 8 times more likely to win than Rock?  No way.  He’s worth a little flier.

***

The Pro Bowl:

It’s back in Hawaii this year.  I think it’s just easier to ignore, more comfortable for everyone if they keep this game off the mainland.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any prop bets on the Pro Bowl.  That felt like it would have been more fun than  picking the game, but apparently there wouldn’t have been a lot of action on such trivial matters.  Give me…

2,500 units on UNDER 74 points.  I know that no one plays defense, but I don’t think they’ll try hard enough to roll up 11 TDs either.  This is a vacation for these guys.

***

UFC on Fox 2:

Did everyone watch the UFC’s last fight on Fox?  It lasted about 90 seconds.  They didn’t show the undercard and it was 45 minutes of talking, 2 minutes of fighting and then another 13 of talking.  Not a great showcase, except for the knockout.  I think there are 3 televised bouts on Fox this time around, but don’t hold me to that.  The main-event is a light-heavyweight match between former champion Rashad Evans and the undefeated prospect Phil Davis.  Give me…

5,000 units on Phil “Mr. Wonderful” Davis at +160.  First of all, I challenge you to bet against someone using the nickname, “Mr. Wonderful.”  Can I put some money on Paul Orndorff this weekend?  Davis is a 4-time All-American wrestler from Penn State, he’s a total beast, and Evans has already peaked in my mind.  This is like free money.

***

The Australian Open:

Did we remember the 1st tennis major of the season was going on?  Look at how nicely this weekend is shaping up.  Unfortunately, my pre-tournament picks of Roger Federer and Serena Williams have already taken a hike, so I’ll need to recalibrate my tennis prognostication machine.  The problem is, since these matches are in Australia, I have absolutely no idea when they’re being played.  Give me…

1,000 units on Maria Sharapova at +110 over (Something) Azarenka.  After I made my Serena call I was a little bummed because I immediately read a couple of stories on how sharp Sharpova was looking.  She’s been on fire to this point, and who can turn down an opportunity to bet on Maria?

1,000 units on Rafa Nadal at +135 over Novak Djokovic.  We all know that Novak is the new Rafa, who was the new Rodge, but if I’m reading the schedule right–and I’m probably not–I think Nadal has one extra day of rest and Novak is coming off a tough 5-setter over perennial bridesmaid Andy Murray.  Nadal in four.

***

The NHL All-Star Game

Here’s something I’m sure you had no idea was going on this weekend.  There’s a hockey All-Star game?  There is, and YOUR Claude Giroux, Scott Hartnell and Kimmo Timonen are all suiting up.  The NHL is still doing its Captain’s choice thing so the teams are “Team Alfredsson” and “Team Chara.”  The game’s in Ottawa if that matters to anyone.  And, now that I started typing this, I see there isn’t a line posted.  What?  Well, I’m not going to delete so, Give me…

1,000 units on Team Alfredsson (-110) over Team Chara.  I’ll just assume it’s even odds.  And, there’s no way I’m betting on Chara for anything.

***

Your Philadelphia 76ers:

The Sixers have been sneaky cover machines.  When they win–they win big.  And, they’ve covered some massive lines.  How do they do it?  With defense and effort.  Apparently it’s not illegal to guard people for 4 quarters in the NBA.  Who knew?

Give me 2,500 units on the 76ers (-16) over the Bobcats.  Judging by this line, the Bobcats must really stink.  The Sixers are a little thin down low right now, but you know what that means?  Yep, 20 and 12 for Elton.  No problem.  This should be a cakewalk.

***

Let Me Find a Soccer Game:

A couple of years ago I heard about this thing called, “El Clasico.”  It’s a game between Real Madrid and Barcelona.  The way I heard people talk about this game I thought it was like the Haley’s Comet of sporting events.  But, they play each other at least twice a year.  Let’s lose some of the hyperbole.  This is like an NFL regular season divisional game.  That was just a random soccer thought.  Give me…

1,000 units on Villareal and Real Madrid Draw at +450.  How can you turn down a chance to bet a draw?  I feel like that’s some really advanced soccer betting.  What are you rooting for?  A tie, baby!

***

So, there you have it.  Twenty thousand units in play.  And, you thought it was going to be a slow weekend.

Tiger Woods: Ball-Striking Maven.

Tiger Can't Miss in Abu Dhabi.

There will be some non-golf in this post, so go ahead and scroll down if you must.  We’re at the annual point in the golf season that pits the European Tour vs. the PGA Tour.  Appearance Fees vs. No Appearance Fees.  Fans of International golf will likely crow about the quality of the field in Abu Dhabi this week.  It certainly is top-heavy, but they ignore that somehow Todd Hamilton gets in this event every year.  The PGA Tour event at Torrey Pines cannot brag about drawing the top-10 in the world, but if it is still true that the US has most of the depth, it’s easy to argue that Torrey still has the better field.

In recent years Tiger had always made his first U.S. appearance at Torrey Pines and played the somewhat less glamorous Dubai Desert Classic as his Mideast venture, but this year the lure of that guaranteed oil money was too much to ignore.  Sorry, Torrey Pines.  Hope Phil is a good enough consolation prize for you.  As I said, Tiger is joined in Abu Dhabi by the likes of World #1 Luke Donald, my #1 villain Rory McIlroy, Lee Westwood, Charl Schwartzel, Martin Kaymer, Sergio, etc.  In a real moment of ingenuity, Tiger was paired with Rory and Luke for round number one.

It ended up being Rory’s day–tied for the lead at 5-under par, but the subplot was the near flawless ball-striking of Mr. Woods.  Tiger missed the first green, then hit the next 17.  He was bogey-free, and took 34 putts on his way to a 2-under 70.  Now, 34 putts is an astronomical number for a pro.  I’ve had rounds where I took 34 putts so that means it’s not good.  At all.  The good news for Tiger and his spring-loaded pack of followers who are anxious for his next conquest is that he may have finally turned the corner in terms of his ball-striking.  It’s been a long while (granted only 4 real events) since Tiger was in full spray mode.

That doesn’t address the putting issue, though.  If this was five, six years ago we’d laugh off Tiger’s 34 putts, chalk it up to unfamiliarity with the greens and wait for him to shoot 63 tomorrow.  That could happen, or Tiger could be morphing into something of a Tom Watson character, a player who in the twilight of his PGA Tour run was hitting the ball better than ever but rarely holed a putt.  There’s no way that Tiger will ever get back to true dominance without his once infallible flat stick.  The fore-right, fore-left, pop-up 3-wood watch might become the 30-putt watch.  It’s always something, am I right, Tiger?

***

Phillies trade Wilson Valdez.  It surprised me how many people were a little upset with this deal.  Did we get anything back??  We traded Wilson Valdez.  What do you think?  The left-handed relief flier that comes to Philly from the Reds is about all you could expect.  Also, the Phils trim a tiny bit of cash off the payroll.  Every little bit counts when you’re saving up for Cole (fingers crossed).  Valdez was a fine fielder and is fondly remembered for his late-inning pitching heroics, but we don’t need to be too upset about this one.  It opens up a little window for Freddy Galvis and also probably means more Mikey Mart (an obvious downside).  Someone in the organization just loves that guy.  It’s funny how Philly fans get so attached.  Some cry for change and then get all busted up when Wilson Valdez gets shipped off.  Interesting little paradox.

**Update** Brad Lidge to Washington.  For a cool million.  Lidge will always be remembered for his perfect 2008 season and he deserves a huge chunk of credit for that title.  The Phils were hardly the pitching staff they are now back in those days.  Really, the entire bullpen was heroic.  Of course, Lidge followed up ’08 with one of the worst years ever by a closer and played a role in the Phillies losing the ’09 World Series.  So, there was that.  The Nationals continue to slowly assemble the 2008 Phillies, piece by piece.  Shame Jamie Moyer got away to Colorado.

***

I finished, The Art of Fielding, the Chad Harbach novel.  It didn’t finish that strong for me.  It kind of drifted from baseball, got a bit odd and mythopoetic (I learned that word in Tin Cup), but I still found it to be a decent book.  It’s incredibly polarizing to reviewers.  The initial reviews were great, but you can find dozens of people trashing it online.  That’s kind of the way things work, though, right?  Anything praised will eventually be trashed for being praised on the internet.  I think it deserves some criticism, but I find that very few books end well.  They’re often like those comedies we love (Superbad) where the first hour is incredible and then when forced to wrap things up it becomes forgettable.  Once baseball was pushed aside and the plot needed to be resolved I found myself a lot less interested.  It’s not a bad book, though.  Don’t believe all the haters.

***

When I look at the stats for my blog, after I scroll through the millions and millions of pageviews there is a little section that highlights search terms that led people to this site.  More often than not these terms are “Amber Heard,” or “Mila Kunis black and white,” or even “3 Putt Territory,” believe it or not.  Sometimes, though, there is just something so odd that it really makes my day.  It’s hilarious sometimes what people search for on the internet.  Today someone came through after a search of, “Fred Couples cold top.”  Did someone hear Fred use the term, “cold top?”  Certainly Fred has never hit a cold top in his life–unless he so ON PURPOSE.  But, considering how much I mention Fred and how I love the terms “cold top” and “cold shank” it’s not really surprising at all that this wayward searcher ended up here. If you come back, sir or madam, the only part of the club face that Fred needs is the damn screws.  Thank you and good day.

Mid-Week Mailbag.

Pretty Obvious Chemistry.

Welcome back to the Mid-Week mailbag.  It’ll be the only weekly post that makes an appearance for a while.  No NFL preview this week (sorry Pro Bowl) and no NFL Picks, either.  Think of it as a nice slow transition into February when absolutely nothing is going on.  I think we’ve got some pretty good questions today.  Will it cross the threshold into “nice bag” territory?  We’ll see…

Q: Do you think Pat Sajak and Vanna White ever slept together?  It had to happen at least once, by accident, right?  In 30 years?  Also, if Wheel of Fortune was invented today do you think they’d just go with self-revealing screens or would they throw a hot chick in there just for the added glitz and glam?  Robert Barker, Hollywood, CA.  

A:  Let me tackle part-2 first.  I wanted to say that at this point we’ve moved past the hot chick on game shows phenomenon, but then I remembered Deal or No Deal, which has 25 Vanna Whites out there every episode.  That said, I think “The Wheel” is a solid enough show to be successful without much sex appeal.  Back in the day, they really needed someone to turn the letters–why not a model?  Now, you’d just need a solid host (male or female) and the desire to play along at home would carry the show to fine ratings.  I actually think that if Vanna ever retires they may just retire the position with her.  I think that would be fitting.  Now, have Pat and Vanna ever gotten FRISKY?  Note that Sajak once denied this in an interview with Larry King, not that there was some accusation, just an inquiring minds moment.  He surely wouldn’t have admitted to it, though, so we’ll throw that out.  They’ve been doing the show together since 1983.  For much of that time they’ve been involved with other parties in one way or another, Sajak has spent almost the entire time married.  If it ever happened, it happened very early on, but I’m going to say…No.  According to Wiki, Vanna was engaged to a Chippendales dancer in the 80s, so I’m going to say that cute, little Sajak WASN’T her type.  

Q: So, I see this morning that Ruben Amaro is patting himself on the back for only giving Ryan Howard 5 years considering Prince just got nine.  He’s ignoring the fact that Fielder is 4 years younger, and both contracts take the players well into their 30s.  Is Howard’s contract still as bad as it looks and when do you think Howard will be back?   D. Montgomery, Chestnut Hill, PA.

A:  If Howard were healthy, his contract would look a lot better, because at least you avoided a comical number of guaranteed years.  In 2018, Howard’s contract will probably look great next to Prince’s, but no one really cares about 2018 right now.  The Phillies took a calculated risk with the deal, a very aggressive risk, but considering they hadn’t locked up Cliff Lee (again) at that point I don’t think you can say it’s a deal that totally crippled them.  If Howard can’t return to form from this injury, then you’ve just got a total disaster on your hands.  So, as of now, this is just all spin from Ruben, but there’s a chance they saved themselves a bit on the back-end.  A healthy Ryan Howard probably gets more than 5-years on the open market.  When will we see the big fella on the field again?  Well, the Phillies are having a little mini-camp down in Florida right now and Ryan is down there, working on his rehab.  According to Charlie Manuel, he’s a little ahead of schedule, but they’ll continue to move along with caution.  The key word in this whole affair will be setback.  If Howard continues progressing, I’d expect to see him not too long after the season starts, maybe May 1st at the latest.  In the meantime, Jim Thome is also down in Florida working out, and apparently looking slimmer and more agile than he has in years.  

Q:  When you go to a restaurant that features international cuisine are you obligated to attempt the foreign pronunciations, or is holding up the menu to the waiter’s face and pointing acceptable?  Nicole Applebees, Richmond, VA.  

A:  I’m pretty sensitive to menu issues.  One thing I have a HUGE problem with is restaurants giving their dishes ridiculous names.  If you call your bacon cheeseburger something asinine like, “The Big Locomotive,” you’ll find that I order by saying, “I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger.”  You’re not going to get me to make a fool of myself for your own amusement. NOT HAPPENING.  The foreign language thing is a little different, I guess.  And, there is that old rule of thumb that pointing is rude.  To pollo or not to pollo, that is the question.  If I think I have any chance of getting in the ballpark, “parmigiana,” for example, I’ll give it a try.  I’ll risk accidentally saying Parma-johnna or something, but if I’m trying for something like au poivre–FORGET ABOUT IT.  If you don’t want to point, you can sometimes play dumb.  Oh, I’ll have the filet….then you pause and stumble/fumble.  The waiter will be impatient and fill in the options for you. Then, you just say, YES.  Final ruling–only point if you are in actual danger of not getting what you want.  The waiters could probably use a laugh, right?  

Q: My office recently got a Keurig machine.  Now I know 3Putt has NEVER drank coffee… it makes tea too though, have you ever had tea?  Sorry I’m getting sidetracked… I would say 8 out of 10 times when I go to use the Keurig I find the last persons K-cup still in the machine.  This means I have to pull out and discard of their used K-cup before I start my brewing process.  Is it just me or is this rude?!?  Does it take that much effort to throw your damn K-cup away?  Do these people think the cup magically disappears or the plastic disengrates and is actually brewed into their cup of coffee??  Just looking for confirmation that this is rude and lazy…. Thanks in advance, Bob Stiller, Waterbury, VT.  

A: These are the things you don’t have to worry about when you don’t drink coffee.  No k-cup problems, no whining about needing your caffeine, no lines at Star-awful.  Think of the freedom, but no, everyone needs their coffee.  I have had a few (maybe 3) glasses of hot tea in my life by the way.  All when I was coughing like the proverbial bastard.  I really don’t understand people’s obsession with hot beverages but, that’s another story.  Keep in mind I only have a loose awareness of what a Keurig machine actually is–so, I’ll do the best I can.  Is leaving your K-Cup behind rude?  I’m sure it is.  It’s a little like not wiping down a machine at the gym, I suppose.  Not nearly as gross, but motivated by the same insouciant laziness.  Unfortunately, you’ve got almost no course of action in this scenario.  If you make a big deal out of it, you’ll be “the K-Cup Nazi,” or people will make fun of you behind your back for being an anal, uptight mess.  So, you’re stuck trashing other people’s K-Cups.  Unless…You could keep it passive aggressive and leave yours behind, or you could even embrace the psycho and go storming through the office screaming, “WHO HAS THE F*CKING NANTUCKET BLEND?”

Q: So, Mad Men is coming back in March.  This means another three months of watching people drink like fish…on the job.  Is this just all romanticized?  Because, I’m seeing these guys totally pull it off.  I don’t think we’re classy enough as a society anymore to drink at work.  People couldn’t handle it.  Thoughts?  Grayson Goose, Plano, TX.

A: Here’s an interesting thought.  I’m not exactly sure when businessmen stopped drinking all day, but wouldn’t it be interesting if Mad Men went long enough where you had to see Don make that transition?  Picture a 50-yr old Don, struggling through some meeting while he fiends for alcohol, or even better offering a drink to some clients at 11 am and getting looked at like he was a total degenerate.  I think Don will be saved that humiliation, not that there weren’t plenty of others last season.  To answer the question, I think you’ve got a romanticized take there.  Yes, the men drank at the office, but that was also an office where sexual harassment was rampant, there was sexism, some good old folksy racism, etc.  I think if you want a civil environment to work in, you’ve got to pretty much keep alcohol out of the equation.  Plus, who needs to drink at work when you can putz around the internet and play words with friends all day?  

Q: What do you think was the most useless skill you learned in high school was?  I assume there were dozens.  Sketching a quick parabola comes to mind, but what sticks out for you?  Dicky Door, Malvern, PA.  

A:  Let me give you a quick list of honorable mentions:  T-Scores, taking the slope of anything, how to use a Bunsen burner, DAM (Domes, Arches, Minarets), leather working (tanning?), using a card catalog, how to spell Ren-Ay-Santz (Renaissance), Eugen Weber, Spanish verb conjugation, and MiniTab.  The most useless skill I learned, though, was definitely doing research for a paper on index cards.  This was my own personal nightmare.  It’s God’s cruel trick against the procrastinator.  I was also offended by how enamored all the teachers were with this process.  Oh, you use SLUG WORDS.  Then you just organize your cards and the paper practically writes itself.  Bibliography?  Done.  Citations?  Handled.   The most preposterous element of the whole thing was getting graded on your stack of cards.  HOW TALL IS IT?  Is it an inch?  IS IT?  Some nerd would always show up with about 500 color-coordinated cards making my 50 (containing about 123 total words) seem so insignificant.  So, why is this more useless than say your everyday geometry proof?  Well, after 9th grade I never “proved” anything again with mathematics.  But, I’d go on to write several research papers in college and never used a note card.  Not once.  I just pray this technique has been eradicated from the public school system.  

Q: So my friends and I were thinking about putting on a pretty big feast for the Super Bowl.  We’d like to smoke something.  But, we don’t really have a smoker, or know what one is.  Can you smoke something in your fireplace?  Fire Marshall Bill, Skokie, IL.  

A:  Can you smoke something in your fireplace?  No.  In fact, with a question like that, I’d suggest you not use your fireplace at all.  Maybe you can toast a ‘mallow in there, but that’s about it.  Roast a weenie, perhaps.  What were you planning to do?  Shove a hog up the chimney?  Anyway, to smoke meat I’m fairly sure you need a smoker–not a fireplace.  I don’t own a smoker, and I don’t do any recreational smoking.  The reason for this?  It takes some serious equipment and it’s complicated.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say you will not be able to learn how to smoke meat by the Super Bowl.  If you’d like to take that as a challenge–Feel free.  I suggest focusing your culinary energy for the big game in another direction, but if you are going to press on, here’s some random website on smoking that appears to have a ton of information.  If by chance you do become a Cook-Off caliber smoker of fine meats and cheeses, I retract all my sarcasm and request an invitation to your next event.  

 

Phils Fans Breathe Sigh of Relief–Fielder to Detroit.

Get the Cecil Jerseys out of Storage.

Prince Fielder, the behemoth who once laced homers into the upper deck of Tiger Stadium as a teenager has decided to follow the money to Detroit–the city where his pop became famous for both his girth and his stadium clearing moonshots.  Considering the relationship between the younger and older Fielder, I can’t imagine that Detroit was high on  Prince’s wish list.  No need to drum up the old memories or all the Cecil comparisons and questions, but when the market is getting a little tight and February is looking awfully big on the horizon, you do what you have to do.  In poor Prince’s case, that was maybe rehashing some things he doesn’t want to get into in exchange for 23 million a year for a whopping 9 seasons.  That’s some serious DH money.  Oh, he’ll be playing first base (poorly) for now.

It’s another Scott Boras miracle, saves Boras’s off-season, I imagine.  It doesn’t make Ryan Madson feel any better, but to pull a near-Pujols deal out of thin air this late in the game is quite an achievement.  The move by Detroit breaks some hearts in Toronto, Baltimore, Washington and probably even Texas (the Mariners never had a shot).  For Phillies fans, this is pretty much best case scenario.  Fielder’s departure weakens Milwaukee (if Braun misses 50 games they’re in big trouble) and the fact that he didn’t land in their division makes a sixth straight NL flag a little easier to envision.  With the exception of Florida’s splurge, most of the open wallets this winter were in American League cities.

There certainly seems to be some type of power shift headed in the AL’s direction right now, or perhaps that league is just getting more top-heavy.  You could make the argument they’ve been the top league all along, but they’ve still lost 3 of the last 4 World Series.  Last winter one of the biggest points of discussion was the stockpiling of arms (especially young ones) in the National League.  That ended up not being much of an indicator of how the season would play out, though, and so we’ll have to wait and see if the TV contract money era is enough to change the balance of power.  Texas, Anaheim, Boston, and Detroit with all their wealth are certainly going to make it hard for other teams to get a sniff.

 

Reviving an Old Classic.

It is Award Season.

So, they announced the Oscar nominees this morning.  I did not get the call.  I keep thinking someone is going to adapt the blog into a screenplay, but no.  You can sum up the nominees by saying, “Clooney, a dog, blah, blah, blah, The Help, Woody Allen.”  Everyone got that?  Good.  Make your selections.  What we’re doing here today is something far more important.  It’s a tradition that arose in the beer-soaked loft apartments of Lancaster, PA.  We’re going to award the condiment of the year–2011.  No supporting roles need apply.  This is one trophy, everyone else goes home, just like sports.

Origins of the Award:

Awards, at least in this sense arise because a person (or group of persons) feel the need to show appreciation.  Sometime during my college career I felt the need to stop taking condiments for granted.  I was living in a golden age of condiments, and nowhere was this more evident than during a trip to Fuddruckers.  I think Fuddruckers is a dying brand, but a decade ago it sat atop the Mount Olympus of fast-food chains.  I’m not sure what their business model was–Perhaps kill them with cholesterol?  And, if that failed, try condiments.  The condiment bar at Fuddruckers was (is?) a celebration of excess.  And, it’s all gratis.  The first time you walk in and say, “Is that free hot cheese?”  That’s a life-changing experience.  I came from the Roy Rogers “Fixin’ Bar” School of condiments, which means I appreciate when an establishment leaves you to your own devices.  This was a new level, though.  The selection.  The premium quality Heinz products.  It was a dipper’s dream.  So, living in this condiment rich environment, it only felt natural to award a Condiment of the Year to celebrate our ridiculous bounty.  A short-lived tradition was born.

Past Champions:  Ketchup: (1999, 2003-2006, 2009).  BBQ Sauce: (2000).  Caesar Dressing: (2002).  Salsa: (2010).  Honey Mustard: (2001, 2007-8).

2011 Finalists:

1. Ketchup
2. Honey Mustard
3. Tabasco
4. Salsa
5. BBQ Sauce

Criterion:

1.  Consistency.  It’s important to be able to walk into any restaurant and get the condiment you are looking for.  Some yahoo back in the kitchen, mixing up his own “special sauce” can be a bad thing.

2. Versatility.  You can’t be a one-trick pony.  Maybe you’re a person who likes to bathe in cocktail sauce, but how often are you really using it?

3. Innovation.  Has anyone breathed new life into the condiment recently?  A new usage, a new flavor profile.

4.  Signature Pairing.  Does the condiment have one food where no other condiment can take its place?  Or failing that, how many pairings does it dominate?  Chips, for example, are solely salsa’s domain.

5.  Current Form.  Sometimes a condiment can just “get hot,” and streak to the title.  See: Caesar Dressing in 2002.  Caesar rarely makes the finals, but that year everything just fell into place.

The Results:

5th Place:  Tabasco Sauce.

This is my ode to impartiality.  I am not a Tabasco Sauce user, but I don’t want to ignore its popularity.  It has a very loyal fan-base.  And, it’s undisputed strength is its versatility.  It goes on everything.  Eggs, pizza, chicken, a bloody mary–you name it.  And, in recent times Tabasco has tried to broaden their appeal with hotter and milder varieties.  Clearly, they weren’t going to ignore the Chipotle craze.  That said, I think the Tabasco wave has crested.  Never a champion, it was lucky to hold onto a top-5 spot this year.

4th Place:  BBQ Sauce.

BBQ Sauce will always have credibility, because there is an entire cuisine called “BBQ.”  Depending on your part of the country this means different things, but it often comes with a signature sauce.  And, no condiment has benefited from the boutique sauce craze like BBQ.  In my fridge right now I have a Bacon Chipotle (again) BBQ Sauce.  Is it good?  What do you think?  Of course, it is.  It’s hard to believe that at one time you’d walk into the store and it’d basically be Kraft, that fiery orange crap, or Bullseye.  Now, there are 1.5 million varieties.  Perhaps too many varieties?  BBQ sauce has a consistency problem, and it just didn’t peak at the right time this year.

3rd Place:  Ketchup.

Ketchup is like a pitcher who throws 105 miles an hour.  Why bother with a little spinning breaking ball when you can just blow everyone away?  The Ketchup/French Fry pairing will forever be Jordan/Pippen, Montana/Rice, Ruth/Gehrig–whatever analogy you want to make, you can’t overstate the importance of ketchup on french fries.  Of course, it’s hard to dress up ketchup.  You won’t be seeing Bacon-Chipotle ketchup anytime soon–I don’t think.  I went to a trendy steakhouse once last year and they had cheesesteak egg rolls with a “spicy ketchup,” but that’s about as risqué as you’ll get with the godfather.  I’ve got nothing bad to say about ketchup, it just wasn’t the year.

2nd Place:  Salsa.

You know what’s amazing about salsa?  It really isn’t bad for you!  That flies in the face of more traditionalist thinkers, but the delivery system is where you get into trouble with the salsa.  The chips, the quesadilla, the tacos–not that healthy.  What I like about salsa is that it goes so well with cheese.  Melted cheese in particular.  If you’re eating something with melted cheese, there’s a decent chance it needs salsa.  My main problem with salsa is chunkiness.  But again, I’m trying to put aside my own beliefs.  I don’t like a chunky salsa, but everyone–literally every other person alive–wants giant chunks in their salsa.  I have to live with that–except when I’m eating Momma 3-Putt’s homemade picante sauce.  It’s not chunky, and it’s delicious!

The 2011 Champion:  Honey Mustard.

Welcome back to the winner’s circle old friend.  First of all I’d like to thank Ken, Heinz and all other makers of proper honey mustard.  I’d like to give a shout-out to the chicken finger.  I’d like to acknowledge all the people who make their salads unhealthy by drowning them in funny mustard.  What a year, what a year.  The only thing holding honey mustard back from piling up even more titles is the countless number of people who don’t know how to make it.  I can tell, just by looking, if a honey mustard is going to be good.  And, nothing is more frustrating than getting an order of fingers with sub-par honey mustard.  Inexcusable.  But, I think more people are getting an understanding of what makes this condiment so delicious and we’re riding an uptick of consistency.  Don’t be afraid to explore its versatility either.  Last night I had a little grilled ham and cheese.  What’d it need?  Some Ken’s.

Goodell’s Fantasy Weekend.

Or, The Day of the Goat.

If you’re an Eagles fan, conference championship Sunday has a special sting.  For a pretty good stretch it was one of the worst sports days of the year.  Perhaps it is those bad memories, or perhaps it is the city’s singular obsession with the Birds, but in Philly last week these football games had all the hype of the Cotton Bowl.  No one cared other than to grumble some occasional ill-will toward the Giants.  Even I wasn’t too interested in the events.  I certainly was rooting against NY–as I am geographically predisposed to do, but the games were going to be more of an excuse to eat some pizza and shoot the horsebleep with some friends.  Then the crazy stuff started happening….

1.  The first strange thing I noticed was Tom Brady was a bit off.  He had a deflected pick overturned by a somewhat suspect PI call and missed an array of open receivers in the 1st half.  As a devoted Brady fantasy owner, I’ve seen my share of Tommy B this year and there were a handful of games where he showed this slight deviation from perfection.  With the Pats moving the ball, Brady’s hiccups kept the score reasonable and kept the Ravens in the game.  I’m sure Brady’s shoulder will be discussed to the point of exhaustion for the next two weeks in New England.

2.  Flacco to Torrey Smith I.  Never has a worse throw done so much for a team.  At the start of the game, the Ravens looked like they were going to average about 1.2 yards per play.  It was pitiful.  The Pats defense was gaining confidence.  Then, Torrey Smith broke wide open.  Any reasonable QB would have hit Smith for an easy score.  Flacco underthrew him by about 15 yards and almost blew the play, but the big gain that could have been bigger at least let Baltimore believe they could move the ball.  

3.  New England biggest defensive stand  came after Danny Woodhead fumbled a kickoff return (foreshadowing for the afternoon game) with the Pats trailing 17-16.   A 24-16 deficit there instead of 20-16 would have been huge.  The Ravens offense just couldn’t get everything going in the right direction and settled for three points (or attempted FGs) too often.

4.  Joe Flacco’s pick in the 4th quarter was one of his worst throws of the day at a terrible time.  Baltimore would get another chance, but Flacco nearly sunk him with his ill-advised toss down the middle into coverage.  Flacco remained put upon and fatalistic after the game, but he brings it on himself with these hot & cold performances.  

5.  The Lee Evans TD catch/drop/pass breakup got a little lost in the shuffle a few moments later, but the Ravens probably were a few tenths of a second away from winning the game in regulation.  The, to borrow a baseball term, bang-bang play probably deserved at least a courtesy review, but there was none and it set the stage for…

6. The worst clutch kick of all-time.  Maybe Gary Anderson for the Vikings?  That was in a dome.  After a full half day of wracking my brain that’s about all I can come up with.  Cundiff’s miss made Scott Norwood look like Adam Vinatieri in the snow.  That kick wouldn’t have been good from 15 yards.  He duck-hook, double-crossed himself into oblivion.  It was such a bad kick and such a horrific way to lose the game that it wasn’t even funny (except to Pats fans), and missed kicks are ALWAYS funny.  

***

The only person that had any compassion for Billy Cundiff, the only guy who cared one bit about his well-being was San Francisco kick returner, Kyle Williams.  Williams guaranteed that Cundiff would only share top-billing with a duo of mistakes that probably secured his passage to the Arena League.  It was the kind of game that was going to turn on a mistake.  Without the fumbled punt return, the SF and NY offenses might still be out there piling up 3 and outs.  It was a supreme display of defensive football from both teams.  

If Kyle Williams wants to get off the hook he should point a finger at Alex Smith.  Aside from leaning on Vernon Davis for a few plays, Smith was terrible.  Every time he rolled out under pressure you knew he was going to rifle a low line drive off the hash marks, and that’s what he did.  Over and over.  The Giants had him on the run.  

Eli was also under fire the whole game.  The Giants pass protection was a mess.  Eli got hit 20 times, which is slightly inflated by his 1.2 million pass attempts, but still, he was constantly on the ground.  A week after fading late against the Saints the 49ers defense was back and clicking.  

The 49ers defensive backs colliding into each other may have cost them the game.  On two occasions Eli threw what looked to be sure picks only to have the SF players collide and keep each other from getting the interception.  The first collision resulted in an injury.  The 2nd, in overtime, kept SF from really taking momentum.  Gotta call those fly balls, boys.  

When the Giants kicked the winning field goal it set off a wild celebration that featured the happiest punter I’ve ever seen. Steve Weatherford(?) sprinted across the field like he had just nailed a jumper over Craig Ehlo.  I guess it was a real nice hold, but know your role a little bit.  You don’t have to become the NFL version of Thomas Hill.  

***

That’s about all I’ve got for now.  It was an incredibly strange day of football.  You had two teams that deserved to win their games, but were also kind of handed the victories by historical gaffes from the opposition.  It doesn’t matter how we got there, though, we’ve now got the Pats/Giants rematch and two straight weeks of David Tyree highlights.  Good news is, all those Niners defensive players can now make the Pro Bowl–don’t miss it!

 

Behati Prinsloo Makes Her Selections.

Likes the Hoodie.

It’s a been a dark post-season of picks for me.  And, looking at the two lines this week I don’t have much faith in a rally.  The Giants, Patriots and Ravens have all been tough teams to figure out this year.  Big lines, backdoor cover vulnerability, discrepancy in home/road play.  It’s pretty much a nightmare.  The Giants went 8-7-1 during the regular season against the number.  How definitive.  They’ve won two post-season games by 15+ points.  And, they’re underdogs.  They’re playing with our minds, people!  There’s no other explanation.  So, as I limp to the line here, trying to make amends for a 1-3 horror show last week, I need something to fall back on.  What’s the good news?  Mad Men is coming back March 25!  If only it started next Sunday so we could all avoid the Pro Bowl.   How about some picks….

Big Dub:  Playoff Record, 6-2.  

Baltimore (+7) over New England.  I don’t believe in Flacco a little bit.  In fact, he’s the white Donovan McNabb, and I learned what Donovan McNabb was all about in the playoffs.  But didn’t Matt Moore, Rex Grossman and Ryan Fitzpatrick hang around with the putrid Pats defense?  Isn’t this all about covering the number?  In that case, I’ll take the points and doubt the Pats defense.  Yes, they looked great against Tebow.  I think that’s self-explanatory.  I won’t be shocked to see the Ravens win this outright as Brady is made to look ordinary at times against a great defense.

San Francisco (-2.5) over New York Giants.  I’ve been riding the Giants like Romo rides Jason Witten.  All the weird stuff is going against New York.  It’s going to rain, flight across the country and Eli has a tummy ache.  Yes, I think Eli being sick Wednesday is a factor.  He feels pretty good by Friday but then has to fly out to San Fran.  That flight won’t feel too good for him, and I see him not playing well as a result.  Yes, the Niners D will have more to do with it than anything, but don’t ignore his health and the flight.  If the venues were switched, the Giants would roll the Niners, but at home SF should be able to force the turnovers they did against the Saints.

***

Grossy:  Playoff Record, 3-5.  

Baltimore (+7) over New England.  I really wish this game was 7.5.  It’d make me feel a bit more comfortable.  There are some teams that the Pats just don’t have a great record of covering against, and Baltimore is one of those teams (anecdotal).  There are some similarities here to previous New England post-season letdowns.  You always assume the Pats will score enough to cover a big spread, but recently that hasn’t always been the case.  I think the emergence of the two TEs makes them less vulnerable to a loss (by the way Rod Rutledge and Jermaine’s Wiggins don’t know what all the fuss is about), but they’re still going to have to slog it out.  This could be Ray-Ray’s last run, I think the Ravens rally the troops and get a cover.  Also, important not to overreact to beating Denver.  They’re terrible.

New York Giants (+2.5) over San Francisco.  This is just my karmic plight.  I’m going to embrace it.  There will be no newer, or more enthusiastic Niners fan on Sunday than this guy.  It’s going to be downright shameful.  Just embarrassing for all parties involved.  What are my other options?  I know I’ll be punished for this, though.  I’ll be forced to stomach another Giants Super Bowl trip.  I was listening to Mike & Mike this morning for a few minutes and it’s just unbearable what this NFL season has become.  It really is.  I wish the Niners still had Mike Singletary at the helm.  Harbaugh got them this far, but they might need a lunatic to put them over the top.

***

Top-5 Other Things Going on this Weekend:

1.  Sixers/Heat.  Saturday Night in South Beach.  Is Miami ready for Jodie Meeks?  The correct answer is, Awww,HELL no.  The great part about the Sixers’ 10-3 start was that they played a bunch of terrible, terrible teams.  It’s not their fault.  Two-thirds of the NBA is a trash heap.  But, they also don’t really have a quality win.  They blew that the other night against Denver.  Beating Miami would be huge.  D-Wade is already hurt and on his way to playing about 38 games this year–at best.  He’s like the Chase Utley of the NBA.  Sixers–OUTRIGHT!

2.  Do we think Prince Fielder is like, “Ok haha, very funny…someone F’ing sign me.”  The winter of Boras continues.  Collusion?  Hopefully.  The Rangers decided they’d rather spend 115 million on Me Darvish?  No, Yu Darvish.  That joke was written by Our-Maury Telemaco.   I’m not sure where Prince will land.  The choices are probably Seattle, Washington, isn’t it time for the Cubs to swoop in?  What’s Theo doing out there anyway?  How about Toronto?  Prince would love Canada.  It’s great.

3.  There is a golf tournament being played in the contiguous (aka continuous) 48 States this week.  Bill Clinton is hosting and is playing on Saturday–I think with Greg Norman.  It’s Phil Mickelson’s debut for the season as well.  Rough start for old Philly Mick–74.  He seems a bit directionless (bored?) these days.  It’s been 20+ years of smiling out there.  That’s exhausting.  He knocked two balls O.B. yesterday.  When I was 10 I called those Nytols.  Why?  Because Nytol will help you go O.B.

4.  Holy cuss, it might snow!  A couple of inches?  Finally.  I think we were somewhere around blizzard 6 or 7 by this point last year, so I guess if I have to dust an inch or two off the windshield tomorrow I can live with it.  I just hope the grocery store isn’t sold out of water when I get there this afternoon.  It’s not a hurricane, people.

5.  Philadelphia Wings vs. Washington.  That’s indoor, professional, sweet-lax action.  Through a long and complicated process I became committed to attending a Wings this year.  I’m expecting it to be an epic, retroactive live blog.  This is not the weekend, though.  I want so study up on some sweet lax flow before I head down there.  The Wings lost their opener 22-12 so…I might have to become and Edmonton Rush fan.

NFL Conference Championship Preview — Choose The Hype Edition.

A Nation Fears the Harbaugh Bowl.

Last week was rough.  Say goodnight to all reasonably attractive Super Bowl matchups.  I guess that isn’t really a fair stance, but when you are anticipating two weeks of media saturation on a game the two teams playing have a big role in what is going to be talked about.  And, talked about.  And, talked about until you start begging for mercy and flip over to Bravo.  I’m not sure who to root for in these games.  The Ravens make me violently ill.  Should I pull for them this week so I’m guaranteed a rooting interest in the Super Bowl?  Is that worth risking the Ravens actually winning the Bowl?  Tough call.  Here are the possible matchups and the story line that will be hammered into your backside.

Ravens/49ers–The Harbaugh Bowl.

This is the game Rick Reilly wants.  That’s what we do here, right?  Take easy shots at Rick Reilly?  The inevitable Reilly article on the Harbaugh men will probably include a phrase like, “The Coaching Kennedys.”  It’ll happen.  If the Niners play the Ravens, you’ll spend the next two weeks getting to know every member of the Harbaugh family.  You’ll probably see them wearing those split jerseys–half SF/half Baltimore.  There will be almost no mention of the players as if the Harbaugh brothers are just going to sit down to a heated game of Madden to award the Lombardi trophy.  Factor in that both these teams are defensively oriented and this has to be the nightmare matchup.

Patriots/Giants — The Tyree Bowl.

This would be mildly amusing for the sake of watching Patriots fans get a little nervous and defensive, but you’re talking about one of the most over-played highlights of all-time and now we’d see it for two weeks straight.  There would be a lot of talk of a “budding” rivalry.  There would most certainly be a Yankees/Red Sox tie in, which would be too much to bear.  You could conceivably hear from Curt Schilling if this game happens, so that’s enough right there to root for any other scenario.  Also, if Eli makes the Super Bowl we’ll be facing a lot of, ‘Is Eli the Better Manning,’ stories.  And, despite the hilarious riots that would cause in Indy, I’m a little Manning-ed out right now.

Giants/Ravens — The Oh God, Not Again, Bowl.

I’m reasonably sure the 6.994 billion people in the World that don’t live in Baltimore consider Super Bowl XXXV one of the worst ever played.  When The Backstreet Boys (is it Boyz?) perform the National Anthem, you’ve gotten yourself off to a terrible start.  The Ravens were one of the best defenses of all-time.  I have no idea how the Giants got through the NFC–but they did.  Collins vs. Dilfer.  The Giants didn’t score on offense.  The Ravens scored 30-some points without doing much of anything.  Ray Lewis was the MVP I think mostly because people were afraid of what he might do if he didn’t win.  Ray-Ray is about the only holdover from this game, but we just can’t risk anything like that happening again.

49ers/Patriots–The Brady Bowl

If the Niners make the Super Bowl and they don’t have the Harbaugh brothers to talk about, we’ll be forced to suck down a tall glass of nostalgia.  Hey, remember when the Niners were good!  They had, like, Joe Montana and sh*t.  And, since no one wants to waste any time comparing Alex Smith to Tom Brady, we’ll opt for the historical comparison.  Brady vs. Montana.  Here’s old Tommy B, pride of No-Cal, playing against his boyhood team, trying to tie Joe Montana’s 4 Super Bowls.  It’s almost too perfect, right?  There will be a high probability the word ironic will be misused dozens of times.  What does ironic mean, anyway?

***

Baltimore @ New England.  Line, NE (-7).  O/U: 50.5

Patriots games this season have followed a familiar refrain.  Can anyone cover the tight ends?  But, in the three Patriots losses this year, Gronkowski had solid games.  The point being, you’re probably not going to stop Gronk and Hernandez, you need to find a way to stop everything else.  Limit the damage, or else just plain outscore them, which hasn’t been done since week 3.  The Pats are riding a 9 game winning streak and are prohibitive favorites to go back to the Super Bowl.  There doesn’t seem to be much faith in Baltimore’s D, or in Joe Flacco.  The Ravens have won 9 of 11, but haven’t gone over 24 points in their last seven games.  They’ll almost surely need more than that to beat NE.  The Patriots looked supremely focused last week and also have the revenge factor from ’09.  Deck really stacked against the Ravens here.

New York Giants @ San Francisco.  Line, SF (-2.5). O/U: 42.  

What would concern me if I was a Niners fan would be the 32 points that New Orleans tallied last Saturday.  It was easily their worst defensive effort of the year.  The Niners have been trading on this ferocious defense, but the Saints moved the ball with ease.  The Niners still created turnovers and had a few intimidating hits, but without the Saints miscues, they could have easily been over 40 points.  What I’m saying is, the Niners defense piled up good numbers against the following offenses: (STLx2, AZx2, SEAx2, CLE, TB, CIN, WSH).  That’s 10 games against teams that don’t exactly light it up.  The Giants should be able to score some points, but at the same time, the 49ers proved they aren’t totally inept on offense themselves.  Both these teams are riding incredible waves of momentum, and both look like the “hot” team in a way.  The Niners beat the Giants earlier this year, but you can probably throw that result out.  I’m expecting a close, sneaky high-scoring affair.

***

Over/Under Lock of the Week (Record, 8-6. 0-2 Playoffs):  I’m HOT!  NY/SF Over 42.  

 

Mid-Week Mailbag.

Bud Ice By Any Other Name Is Still...

I thought about blacking out the mailbag today in support of SOPA.  Wikipedia is dark today and if Wiki is not up and running, no one should be up and running!  But, I really don’t know what SOPA is–not the details anyway.  If they shut down this blog, I’ll just have to resort to producing a handwritten newsletter.  Who wants a subscription?  If that was the case, I’d have to get actual mail for the mailbag.

Q: The other day I stumble across something called “Bud Light Platinum.”  It’s in the most beautiful blue glass bottle you’ve ever seen.  I think to myself, has Bud Light finally detached itself from the atrocities that were Bud Light Lime and Bud Light Golden Wheat?  Some research reveals that Bud Light Platinum rocks 6.0% ABV.  Yikes.  Is this Bud Ice in different packaging?  Fay Root, Golden, CO.  

A: I’ve got to be honest.  I’ve never heard of Bud Light Platinum.  How do you call a beer “light” when it has 6% alcohol?  Something doesn’t line up there.  It’s certainly not Bud Ice, though.  Ice brewing is a different PROCESS.  In fact, I have a friend who is “allergic” to this process.  That’s impossible, of course, it’s just a euphemism for not being able to hold his Bud Ice.  I think Bud Light has really stumbled onto something here and that’s most beer drinkers fall into one of two categories of a-hole.  The first is your basic beer snob who spouts off about craft brews and wouldn’t use this beer to put out a fire on their crotch.  The second type is…pretty much everyone else.  Meatheads, posers, clowns, alcoholics.  Bud Light Platinum is perfect for that 2nd group.  It gets you drunk faster and the bottle looks sweet in your hand.  Done and done.  I predict I will have one Bud Light Platinum in my life, probably this summer, possibly at Chickie & Pete’s.  

Q: Do you know how everyone says they wish they could play an instrument?  It’s got to be way up there on bucket lists, or lists of regrets or whatever…My problem is this: isn’t this disrespectful to people who actually play instruments?   It always sounds so casual, “Oh yeah, I should have learned the piano,” like it’s as simple as learning cursive.  Chances are all these wannabe piano players out there would be awful at it.  Harvey Pianoman, Exton, PA.  

A:  You know when I wish I could play an instrument?  Every time I see some character on a TV show or in a movie waltz into a room and start playing the piano.  Everyone immediately LIGHTS UP.  It’s like they are cavemen seeing fire for the first time.  This person becomes fascinating and impossibly attractive.  And, that in turn makes me want to be an equally desirable master of the ivories–if you will.   I do see your point.  Playing an instrument seems to be a common regret that people have and at the same time they don’t acknowledge the difficulty in learning to play.  You don’t hear people walking around saying, “Oh I wish I had learned to play third base for the Phillies.”  And, I guess that is an important distinction.  Playing instruments is something people think they can learn with little regard for natural talent.  You can learn to play a few songs, knock out Jingle Bells at Christmas, but you’ll probably never learn to be a great piano player.  Personally, I’m prepared to give you musicians all the respect you desire.  I’d like to cozy up to the Steinway and start pumping out Elton John’s entire catalog, but it’s not in the cards for me.  That said, I’ll still occasionally say, “I wish I learned to play the piano,” so DEAL WITH IT.  

Q: Are you aware that no one watches Parks & Rec?  People watch it, but the rating are–abysmal.  More people watch…just about any show you can think of.  I honestly thought it was one of the highest rated shows and now I’m worried it’s going to be cancelled.  Not sure how people don’t realize this is the funniest show on regular television.  Chick Parm, Pawnee, IN

A:  Well first, don’t panic, Chick.  Yes, the ratings are not good, but you must remember the show is on NBC.  Right now, if an NBC show needs to go to a 2nd hand to count its viewers it is a RUNAWAY HIT.  The Office is still the anchor of the NBC comedy lineup and it doesn’t get anywhere near the number of viewers your basic Big Bang Theory gets.  NBC is scuffling.  If you took Parks and Rec and shoved it between The Middle and Modern Family on ABC–its ratings would probably soar, but it still wouldn’t be the highest rated show, because it’s not mainstream enough.  We have seriously diverging tastes in television in this country.  You’ve got your highly rated shows going one direction and your “critically acclaimed” and “smart” shows going another.  If you saw any of the Golden Globes you’ll realize that the best way to win an award is to have very few people see your performance.  This HBO show Enlightened?  No one watched that.  Not even people who watch HBO.  A show like Mad Men, or Breaking Bad?  It has a tiny, tiny audience.  So, while you appreciate these shows–they’re really not for the masses.  The masses want Ashton Kutcher.  

Q: Do you find you have a word or two that you always have trouble pronouncing?  For me, it’s asterisk.  If I see it written down, I can usually struggle to sound it out, but otherwise I basically can’t use the word.  Peach Impediment, Norristown, PA.

A:  You know what, off the top of my head, I can’t think of anything that I have repeated trouble with right now.  Someone who has the pleasure of listening to me talk all the time can feel free to chime in and correct me.  I think asterisk might be one of the most difficult words to say in the ENTIRE English language.  I think you have plenty of company.  When I’m being lazy about the word, when I don’t want to GRIND through the correct pronunciation, I just say ass-tricks.  It’s gets you where you need to go, if you know what I mean.  People know what you’re talking about.  I think people avoid that word.  They act like they can’t remember what it is called, or say “the star thingy.”  I can certainly commiserate with your problem, though, because I spent a portion of my youth not being able to say the letter “R” correctly.  A woman had to come to our house to teach me–special.  That’s a TRUE STORY.  Anyway, I couldn’t say any word with an “R” in it.  My teachers often had no idea what I was yammering on about.  That may be a slight exaggeration, but back when I had those troubles the word “world,” was very difficult for me to say.  And, to this day sometimes when it on the word cue, about to come out of my mouth I take a split-second pause and think about it.  So, if I had to answer I guess I’d say, “world,” or “whirled.”  

Q:  Do you think if ice cream was healthier you’d eat less of it?  I’m saying is part of the reason ice cream tastes so good is because you know you really shouldn’t be eating so much of it?  Does the guilty pleasure aspect have an impact on your taste buds?  Darren “Dutch” Chocolate, Wawa, PA. 

A:  I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but that might be the dumbest question we’ve ever gotten here.  If ice cream was healthy for you, would I eat less of it?  Are you high?  If ice cream was healthy for you it would be ALL I EVER ATE.  I don’t eat ice cream because I think I’m secretly being naughty and breaking a diet.  I eat it because it’s delicious and it goes so well with other things like cake or COOKIES.  If ice cream were good for you the grocery store would only have one aisle.  What would it be?  ICE CREAM.  Ok, let me try to answer this with a little less emotion.  You are applying the T&A argument to ice cream.  Men are so fascinated with certain lady parts because it’s supposedly taboo to see them.  But, if you stumble into the depths of the Amazon a topless woman creates about as much of an uproar as a well concealed fart.  They’ve seen ALL THAT before.  I suppose some people might eat less ice cream if it was healthy.  I guess some people eat it specifically so they can think about how gordo it was.  But, I am not one of these people.  

Q:  I have a pretty radical idea.  I think the United States should have a royal family.  This would give people something to obsess over, but would also hopefully seriously cut down the number of people who are “famous for being famous.”  George W. Busch, Newport, RI 

A:  Hmmmm….King or Queen of the United States.  That’s a hell of a title right there.  That would carry some weight.  Of course, how would you decide which family?  Would there be a reality show where the winner got to be King?  That’s kind of counterproductive to your whole idea there.  Maybe we should just strip the President of all real power and make him King.  Let’s see how the country runs itself for a while.  I bet things would be all right.  I fear though, that you are underestimating the American public’s appetite for new celebrities.  Would a Royal Family be constantly followed and obsessed over?  ABSOLUTELY.  People will pay attention to most anything, but rounding up a couple of royals isn’t going to rid the world of the Kardashians or anything like that.  Giving the US public a royal family is like throwing a 1/4 pounder into a cage of lions.  Appetite not satisfied.  

Q:  You’re about to order a pizza.  You have the following options.  You can call a place that is very good every single time.  10 out of 10.  Or, you can the place that makes extraordinarily good pizza–best pizza ever–50% of the time.  Assuming the other 50% is edible, but just blah pizza, which place do you call?  John & Chris Frazer, PA.  

A:  Here’s a tip for getting your question in the mailbag.  Start it off with, “you’re about to order a pizza.”  That will always get my attention.  This is an interesting question.  It brings to mind certain things, the first being Tin Cup’s thoughts on golf.  ”Perfection is unattainable.”  Do you want the place that strives for perfection and sometimes misses, or do you want the place that consistently delivers something less than perfect?  It’s also reminiscent of the old Eagles debate.  Would you trade 5 straight losing season for a Super Bowl?  And, people say why can’t we consistently win AND win the Super Bowl.  Why can’t the place that makes perfect pizza make it the same way every time?  I’ve personally found that almost no pizza place is immune to the occasional mistake.  One of my favorite pizza places–Tony & Joes in Conshy–will occasionally burn the crust.  I got a pizza home the other day and I was excited because it was larger than usual.  It barely fit in the DANG BOX!  Then, I realized the crust had been tossed too much, it was paper-thin.  It couldn’t support the toppings for SH*T.  It turned out to be a below average pizza with above average circumference.  To finally answer the question, I think I’m taking the 50/50 shot.  First, because even if the pizza is just OK, it’s not the end of the world.  But also, think of the excitement and anticipation while you wait to see what you got.  If you open that pizza up and it’s one of the good ones?  ABSOLUTE BEDLAM.  Jubilation around the kitchen table.  It’s worth the chance.  

Here’s an aside, does anyone out there feel pressure when suggesting a pizza place?  Like you’ve got visitors and you need to come up with a good pie?  It’s expected that EVERYONE has a go-to pizza place.  If someone is visiting you, you are obligated to provide them with good pizza.  It’s pretty tense moments when you are hoping the person likes YOUR pizza place.  And, if you frequent an inconsistent eatery, you’re hoping they don’t screw it up.  You better not burn the crust this time, Tony.  And, look alive, Joe.  

 

 

The Great Philosophical Over-Correction.

Did Hamels Blow his Long-Term Deal Way Back in '09?

 

It’s been an interesting off-season for the Phillies.  It’s the first a couple that will likely shape how Phillies fans remember the Ruben Amaro Jr. era.  It’s an era that got off to a hell of a start.  He piggy-backed on Pat Gillick’s run nicely and took over control of the club by making aggressive and bold moves.  Raul Ibanez was the dream signing for about 4 months.  He fearlessly swashbuckled for Cliff Lee and then got Roy Halladay at a slight discount.  But he also gave Jamie Moyer two years.  He buried Joe Blanton in money.  He tried to get ahead of the market on Ryan Howard…and then the market evaporated.  He almost certainly overpaid Jonathan Papelbon.

For me, Amaro has two distinct qualities:  He’s aggressive (which sometimes manifests itself in a lack of patience) and he’s committed to pitching.  Some people think he learned these traits from working under Pat Gillick, but Amaro has intensified them.  The pursuit of pitching has become absolute.  The question I have is, how much of this philosophy was shaped by the events of 2009, Amaro’s first year on the job?  The Phillies had a very good team that year.  It may have been the best team they’ve put together during this run of success.  But, they lost the World Series partly because they faced a very good Yankees team, but also because some of their key pieces from 2008 (Cole Hamels & Brad Lidge) woefully underperformed.

You could argue that the Phillies are lucky to have won the World Series in 2008–everything certainly fell into place.  You could also argue that they probably should have more than 1 World Series ring in the last five years.  Every year the reason for failure is different, but in 2009 it was pretty simple, they didn’t pitch well enough to beat the Yankees.  It seems to be a moment Amaro has taken to heart.  When faced with a similar scenario after the last two years on the offensive side of the ball, Amaro has chosen to hope his own players come around–or to add EVEN MORE pitching.  But, after that 2009 season Cole Hamels was not given the same vote of confidence.  The Phillies and Amaro set in motion a flurry of moves that bolstered the rotation, depleted the depth of young position players and oddly enough put them in a position where they now are feeling the squeeze in terms of a long-term deal for Cole Hamels.  How did they get to this point, and was it all a mistake?

To get fully up to date, you’ve got to understand where the Phillies came from.  The majority of the terrible Phillies teams of my youth had no pitching.  Just none.  And, as much as we make fun of Steve Jeltz and guys like that, the Phillies were always anchored to the bottom of the standings by atrocious pitching staffs.  Any Phillies fan can rattle off the names of several embarrassing starters from the 80s and 90s.  Those arms sealed the Phillies’ fate as perennial bottom-feeders.  Eventually, though, the tide turned.  It turned with some great drafting/scouting and one great trade (Kevin Stocker for Bobby Abreu).  By 2002, the Phillies had turned a corner.  Then, they signed Jim Thome.  Then, they moved into the new stadium.  By 2004 the Phillies were shaking off “laughing-stock” status.

Let’s take a look at some of these teams:

2004:  86-76–NL Ranks in parentheses.

1. 840 Runs Scored (3rd)
2. Avg. NL Runs: 751
3. 215 HRs (2nd)
4. .788 OPS (league avg: .756)
5. 4.45 ERA (13th)
6. Starting Rotation: Myers 5.52 ERA, Milton 4.75 ERA, Millwood 4.85 ERA, Wolf 4.28 ERA, Padilla 4.53 ERA

2004 was the last year that Larry Bowa managed the team. After getting a little lucky in 2001, Bowa’s teams were always plagued by bad pitching.  In 2004 especially, the Phillies couldn’t get anyone out and despite putting up some gaudy offensive numbers they didn’t sniff the playoffs and Bowa was the victim of a mutiny.  Guys like Mike Lieberthal and Bobby Abreu deserve credit for dragging the Phils back to respectability, but in the end they ended up blocking the new generation that would take over the team’s identity.  Burrell, Rollins, Utley, Howard…these are the guys that would become the faces of the team and it’s not surprising the older guys had to be flushed out before they really could succeed.  That said, it’s criminal the Phillies didn’t make a playoff appearance during Bowa’s tenure and it was the ownership’s refusal to open up the pocketbooks for pitching that held them back.

***

2006:  85-77

1. 865 Runs (1st)
2. Avg. NL Runs: 771
3. 216 HRs (3rd)
4. .794 OPS (league avg: .761)
5. Team ERA 4.61 (11th)
6. Starting Rotation: Myers 3.91, Lieber 4.93, Hamels 4.08, Lidle 4.74, Wolf 5.56

This is 2 years into the Charlie Manuel era, 3 years into Citizen’s Bank Park and as you can see–almost nothing has changed.  Some names are different.  Thome is gone for Howard.  Polanco is gone.  Tom Gordon is closing instead of Billy Wagner.  But, Pat Gillick has arrived in town and the Phillies start to at least make the effort to get pitching.  Gillick was far from bullet-proof.  Adam Eaton (3/24 million) anyone?  Freddy Garcia?  The Phillies were still not quite a big-market spending superpower and the bulk of their early attempts to get pitching didn’t pay off.  At this point, the Phillies are actively wasting a World Series caliber offense with a patchwork pitching staff and horrendous bullpen.

***

2007:  89-73

1. 892 Runs (1st)
2. Avg. NL Runs: 763
3. 213 HRs (2nd)
4. .812 OPS (league average: .756)
5. Team ERA: 4.73 (13th)
6. Starting Rotation: Moyer 5.01, Hamels 3.39, Eaton 6.29, Kendrick 3.87, Lohse 4.72

This year was all about the Mets.  The Phillies had no real business in the playoffs with this pitching staff.  Again, their offense was a total juggernaut.  Gillick is still trying (Moyer/Lohse) but he hasn’t hit on the right combo yet.  That would come the next year when Moyer had a better season, Blanton came in and contributed and Hamels had his magical playoff run.  Also, the moving parts bullpen would finally click in 2008.  Lidge was perfect.  Durbin had a career year, Madson settled into a role.  Everything came together.  They finally supported the offense enough, but here in 2007, it’s still status quo.  Ruiz is in, Victorino is in, but other than that it’s the same old story since essentially ’04.

***

2009:  93-69

1. Runs: 820 (1st)
2. Avg. NL Runs: 718
3. 224 HRs (1st–by 30 HRs)
4. .781 OPS (League Avg: .739)
5. Team ERA: 4.16 (6th)
6. Starting Rotation: Blanton 4.05, Hamels 4.32, Happ 2.93, Moyer 4.74, Lee 3.39

Here’s the year that changed everything in my opinion.  It was the last year that this Phillies nucleus was peaking offensively.  However, they’d struggle the whole season to find pitching answers.  Brad Lidge had 31 saves but a 7.21 ERA.  He blew countless games.  This team could have easily won 100 games with a rotation that had its own troubles.  Cole Hamels couldn’t put two starts together.  At the end of the season they brought in Pedro Martinez.  And, all that took them to game 6 of the World Series.  Aside from inexplicably getting shutdown by A.J. Burnett in game 2, the Phillies offense did a decent job on the Yankees’ staff.  Cliff Lee answered the bell in game one, but after that, Phillies pitching would get rocked.  Hamels was shelled and almost run out-of-town for his post-game comments.  Martinez was totally out of gas in game six.  The Phillies, quite obviously, didn’t pitch well enough to get it done.

***

That brings me back to the beginning, or back to the present where the Phillies have slipped to 7th in the NL in runs scored.  It’s a slightly misleading statistic.  The team has suffered scores of injuries and at times in 2011 the Phillies offense was still very good, but it wasn’t an elite unit like it had been in previous years.  The Phillies offense has been losing the war of attrition against time for 2 years now.  It’s been the belief of the organization the answer is to supplement the offense with more pitching.  Instead of trying to maintain an offense that leads the league in runs scored, the Phillies have tried to put together a pitching staff that requires you to score far fewer runs.  It’s been an unquestionable success in the regular season.  In the post-season it’s provided endless frustration.

My question is, if the Phillies had won the 2009 World Series, or if they had written it off as losing to a better team, or to Hamels having a down year, how would the next couple of years played out?  They certainly needed another pitcher to compliment Hamels.  The NL has been improving exponentially and young arms are popping up every year, but did they go to far?  Three aces?  Four aces?  Was that overkill?  When you consider the offense has been neglected, the spending on pitching seems a bit extravagant.  Yes, the Phillies have kept their guys and swapped out Werth for Pence, but did they take the offense for granted?  Was age, injury, the mileage of all these long seasons ignored in favor of trying to win some pitching arms race?  The Phillies finally realizing they needed good pitching was a miracle, but when they hit a slight bump in the road did they jerk the wheel too far in the other direction?  Are we now heading into oncoming traffic?

The concern I have about Amaro’s philosophy is that he’s forced himself to be all-in.  You see it with what happened this off-season.  Amaro started off after the loss to the Cardinals by talking about a change in approach and all this nonsense, but after he took a step back and realized what he had the Phillies stuck with the status quo and the big money went to another pitcher–Jonathan Papelbon.  When you have a 70-million dollar rotation, you can’t be cutting corners on your closer, right?  And, all this investment in pitching leaves the Phillies stuck with their own veteran position players.  First, because a lot of young talent has been traded away, but secondly when the pitching is this good even the smallest bit of rebuilding feels like a waste of time.

The last thing to consider is whether the Phillies rush to add arms will actually keep from signing their youngest (homegrown) ace.  Cole Hamels agreed to a 1-year deal today to avoid the arbitration process, but as of now, he’ll still be a free agent after this season.  There has been some doubt whether the Phillies could possibly have three 20-million dollar starters on their team moving forward in 2013.  You have to assume Roy Halladay is going to vest his 2014 option, so signing Hamels long-term means at least 2 years of three pitchers making 65 million+.  Throw in Ryan Howard and Papelbon that’s 5 guys making 100 million.  Even with the increased payroll that’s over 50% of your spending with 20 spots left to fill.  Hunter Pence will be demanding a salary well over 10 million, Shane Victorino needs to be resigned or replaced.  Same with Chase Utley in a couple of years.  At some point the signing spree has to stop.

Right now, it looks like Hamels is a prime candidate to lose out.  If the Phillies let Hamels go and possibly Victorino as well they’ll finally have some breathing room and could bring in perhaps a couple of impact bats that will then support a rotation that is anchored by only two aces (Halladay and Lee).  That seems to make the most sense if you could remove all emotion from the debate, but letting Hamels go at this point would be a PR nightmare.  And, trading him or Lee would produce a similar result.  It might be the move that makes the most sense, though.  If you look at the Phillies farm system it seems far more likely they’ll be able to replace starting pitchers than position players.  If the Phils took some money and allotted it to bats in free agency, they might just get cheaper and younger in the rotation naturally.

The way the Philies and Ruben do business, though, I guess you’d expect Hamels to be back and they’ll just figure everything else out.  This excessively long post isn’t meant to be doom and gloom.  It’s more a question of are the Phillies being piloted by the right captain?  When you have this kind of payroll some moves are easy, but there have certainly been some mistakes made, as well.  What you can say for Ruben is that he always tries to give the team the best to win that year.  And, that’s why Rollins is back and that’s why Papelbon is here, and that’s probably why he jumped the gun on the Ryan Howard contract too.  It’s just that with every year that goes by Ruben backs up closer to a ledge, gives up more and more of his slack.  And, the question is, are the Phillies going to win another World Series or is Ruben going to figure a way out of this pattern before he has no choice but to jump?