Well, DC asked who G-Rob was, then claimed to figure it out, but honestly…no one could ever figure out that question. And so, on the afternoon when I was sitting around waiting to be named People’s Sexiest Man, only to be soundly defeated by Johnny Depp, I have not much else to write about. Personally, I think Depp is way past his prime, but they didn’t give me a vote. So, getting back to G-Rob. Who is this man? Well, he’s the head basketball coach at Franklin and Marshall College. He also happened to be the golf coach during my tenure there, which is really where I got to know the man. There are a number of things that make him special, among them:
1. Courtside Histrionics: It’s hard to attend a F&M game, and take your eyes off G-Rob. He’s constantly in motion, usually embellished, overly dramatic hand motions. He yells, whines, throws himself on the floor, basically everything Wojo does, except he’s in a nifty sports jacket. If you go to a F&M game, and G-Rob doesn’t hit the floor at some point? Well, you’ve seen Haley’s Comet, lets put it that way.
2. The Epically Quick Hook: G-Rob always seemed to have a player or two that he wasn’t a big fan of. This usually was someone who played basketball with any type of flair, was a defensive liability, didn’t fit into the team structure. And, that’s fine. He can run the team how he wants, but when these kids would finally get in the game…it was hilarious. They’d be out there, and all of a sudden they’d break free. They’d take the bad shot, make the behind the back pass, something…and that was it. G-Rob explodes, and yanks them.
3. Worst/Best Driver in America: G-Rob is known for his reckless abandon on the Interstates. I heard that on the basketball team, where they took two vans, not riding with G-Rob was quite the prize. Well, the golf team only had one van. Among his greatest achievements…he refuses to wear a seatbelt by the way, are never getting a ticket in my presence despite blowing by numerous cops at double the speed limit and of course driving while wearing a golf glove. Not only that, but he’s full of great quotes like, “We may have lost the tournament, but we’ll win the race back home.” His single greatest coup, though was slaloming us home from Glenmaura after we got snowed out. Good times.
4. He’s frustratingly old-school. I think I relayed the story here where he wouldn’t allow an Absolut Tennis shirt to be worn to his house, because dinner at his house was “An NCCA Event.” He doesn’t curse, it took him forever to cave on allowing us to wear shorts for tournaments, he was always harping on us to shave…I mean G-Rob, this is a liberal arts college, not basic training. Somewhat tied into this is that he treats people in service like garbage. I think this is kind of an old-school notion. We’d be out eating a meal, and he’d say, “I want my bacon crisp. If it’s not crisp, I’m sending it back.” Then, he’d send it back, and well…that was some done bacon that he got then. He also once berated a waiter for bringing him a new iced tea, when what he actually wanted was a glass of ice. You see, he had the “Sugar mixed in Perfectly” he just needed it a little colder. Oh…right.
5. Lastly, he has an incredibly convoluted opinion of his own success. He’s way up on the D-III wins chart, he may lead it. He’s been coaching F&M for decades and decades (Never won the big one). But, when he picks up these milestone victories he’s always envisioning himself in the company of Bobby Knight and Dean Smith, all the big D-I coaches. Now, there’s nothing wrong with coaching D-III, but how about a little perspective. Some humility. I don’t think so. G-Rob would throw himself right on the Mount Rushmore of coaching.