Week 9 NFL Preview — Dear, Phil Simms Edition.

Ten Bucks if You Can Find Phil's Eyebrows.

Oh Look, Phil Simms, that borderline albino mutt with baby hair has something to say about Andrew Luck.  Everyone gather ’round.  There’s a smugness bomb about to go off up in here.  Perhaps you’ve heard of this Andrew Luck fellow.  He’s the most highly rated prospect since people started using the term highly rated prospect.  He cannot miss.  Some scouts say he has no weaknesses.  Much like Michael Scott, his weaknesses are actually strengths!  This one college player is giving hope to at least a half-dozen NFL franchises this very season.  He’s all they’ve got.  They know they probably won’t get him, they know he might not work out, but at least it’s a damn glimmer.

Enter Phil Simms: Glimmer Thief.  AKA, the guy who decided to take the easiest contrarian opinion in the history of sports.  Simms says wait a minute on this Andrew Luck.  He doesn’t love his arm strength.  He doesn’t know if he can rope a ball in there when he needs to.  Phil Simms says there are a few throws a game that Luck won’t be able to make, or won’t even attempt because of that noodle he’s got hanging from his right shoulder.  And, Phil Simms knows plenty about mediocre quarterback play.  He’s spent the 2nd half of his life watching his sons be…not that good, so he knows of what he speaks.  Miami better start winning some games, because Luck doesn’t break enough fingers in practice.

What really pisses me off is that Simms wants to be the one that’s attached his name to this fact we’re all aware of.  Luck is not a sure thing.  Everyone knows that, but where’s the fun in saying MAYBE all the time.  Where’s the fun in saying COULD BE?  Let some people get their hopes up, but no, here comes Simms to rain on a parade.  And, like I said, this is the simplest position to take.  If Luck does come into the league and struggle there will be Simms strutting around like a chubby-cheeked peacock.  But, if Luck comes in and does the job Simms’s idiocy will get washed away by the sea of positive feedback.  Then he can just move on to his next stance.  I hear he’s not sold on the new iPhone.  It MAY have a glitch or two.  Remember who said it.

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The Contraction Special:  St. Louis @ Arizona.  

Before I get into it, I will say the NFL has rebounded with some decent games this week after a couple straight weeks of pure, unadulterated slop.  This particular assault to the eyes reminds me of my youth.  These two teams were always bad and then that smiling clown Kurt Warner and his wife with the buzz cut messed things up and briefly made both teams respectable.  Welcome back to the comfort zone.  1-6 vs. 1-6.  The Cardinals need to wake up.  If the Dolphins and Colts can somehow win a game they could be right in this Andrew Luck thing.  And, god, do they need him, because Kevin Kolb is terrible (he may not play this week).  Also, better not give Larry Fitz a front office job when he retires, because he wanted Kolb in town as much as anyone.  I think the Rams are suddenly on the fast track to 4 or 5 wins, so this is going to be an embarrassment for the home squad.  Again.

The AFC Special:  Bengals @ Titans.  

What did you make of that Pats/Steelers game last week?  It turned out worse than expected–the slogan of the AFC.  The Pats played their worst possible game and somehow were still in there toward the end.  I’m skipping over the Ravens/Steelers game, because that already fiercely disappointed us all in week 1.  Look at what we’ve got here.  These are two winning teams.  Did you know the Bengals were 5-2?  I didn’t either.  They just dominated the Seahawks.  The Titans are a hot and cold, 4-3, straight-up AFC South atrocity.  I’m actually starting to worry about Chris Johnson’s safety.  There has to be some deranged fantasy lunatic out there who is plotting his demise.  And, at this point, what’s worse?  Drafting Johnson, or being some slick, over-managing idiot that “bought low” on Johnson a couple of weeks back.  CJ2k might need to go to the Pats for an attitude adjustment after this season.  The point is, here’s two AFC teams with winning records and I don’t want to see a single snap.

Game of the Week:  Packers @ Chargers.  

Belittle me if you want, but I feel like the other prime games on the slate this week are a little deja vu.  Do the Bears play the Eagles every year?  Puke.  Just put them in the same division.  Giants/Pats?  No thanks.  And, as much as I’d love to get behind the Bills/Jets, I’m a little nervous for the precious little Bills this week.  And, Megatron has a bye-week, so no Lions vs. whoever.  Getting back to the actual pick there’s plenty of reasons to likey.  First, how much worse can it get for San Diego?  Can they rally after what happened last week?  And, do the Packers really have a chance of going 16-0?  This kind of feels like one of those games you might lose.  Decent team, on the road, San Diego will be pretty desperate.  I feel like the yards will pile up in this game, the points are likely to follow and we’ll be sufficiently entertained.

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Five Fantasy Busts of the Week:

  1. DeMarco Murray
  2. Any Redskin
  3. Fred Jackson
  4. Heath Miller
  5. Matt Hasselbeck

Five Fantasy Moves if You’re Desperate:

  1. Javon Ringer (Won’t be that great even if he becomes starter)
  2. Brent Celek
  3. Doug Baldwin
  4. Reggie Bush
  5. Matt Cassel

Over Under Lock of the Week (Record, 4-1..Shhh):  Rams/Cardinals Over 41.5