Mid-Week Mailbag.

What is That, a Mac?

Well, the Eagles schedule officially came out last night.  I’m not comfortable going game-by-game through that until they blow their 1st round pick.  If you twisted my arm, it looks like about nine wins.  The second half is pretty gentile, and depends almost entirely on the Cowboys.  If the Cowboys aren’t good, the Eagles could easily win six of their last eight games.  Two Sunday night games, two Monday night games and a Thursday special.  About what you’d expect for Vick.  The only other thing you need to know?  The Thanksgiving lineup:  Houston @ Detroit, Washington @ Dallas, and New England @ NYJ.  Not terrible.  Enough football, let’s bag….

Q: Can you bring your laptop to a coffee shop if it isn’t a Mac?  I feel like if you roll in there and break out a PC, you’re really poking the bear.  Jack Tandy, Houston, TX. 

A:  Well, I think Mac users are generally pacifists, but you’re certainly going into enemy territory.  Be prepared to see a lot of glowing Apples propped open in front of people’s HIP faces.  Be prepared to have a little trouble finding someone to share an outlet with.  There could be some eye-rolls, some confused faces while the guy sucking down a double-shot foam tries to figure out if you are using a Sony to be ironic.  I think this also depends on how hardcore the coffee shop is: are you sitting in the Starbucks portion of a Target?  Because then I think you could break out just about whatever you’d want, because that’s not a REAL coffee shop.  If you’re in a place called, oh, I don’t know…Whole Latte Lovin’ with bookshelves and thrift store furniture–then you’re going to feel out of place with your ugly gray machine.  The bottom line is, if you’re going to spending a lot of time using free coffee shop Wi-Fi you probably want a Mac anyway.  Stop resisting.  Let yourself fall down the Mac hole.  

Q:  Say you’re driving.  How many turns does it take for you to notice that the person behind you is traveling the same route, and how often do you think, Oh my God, I’m being followed!  Tyson Rearview, Madison, WI.

A:  I’m aware of what’s going on behind me.  When I was a small child I heard an urban legend about how there was a lunatic ON THE LAM who would drive around without his headlights on at night.  If you passed him and flashed your lights, he would then turn around and hunt you down.  This obviously fabricated bit of nonsense stuck with me for some time.  In fact, not long after I got my license, I found someone to be following me for several turns.  And, I wasn’t exactly in a high-traffic area.  The chances of this guy not following me?  ZERO.  It got to the point where I was about to turn into my driveway and I’m thinking, “What am I going to do when this guy follows me into my driveway?”  Am I going to lock the doors and panic?  Am I going to charge out of the car on the offensive?  So, I turned into my driveway, the person drove right by, and I felt like the dumbest person on Earth.  Since then, I’ve gotten a lot less paranoid about someone following me.  I still notice it if it goes on for more than a few turns, but it’s a more of curiosity than an overwhelming paranoia at this point.  

Q:  I just saw a “professional” ultimate frisbee highlight on Sportscenter.  I guess there is a league now where these guys get paid what I imagine is a paltry, humiliating sum of money to play “ultimate.”  Using this premise  do you think you could create a low-budget professional league and get on Sportscenter?  Franz Frolf, Buffalo, NY.  

A:  I saw the highlight.  It wasn’t necessarily that there was a Pro-Ultimate Frisbee league, it was the sick grab that ended the game.  So you can’t throw 100 dollars in a pot, get your friends together for a game of Cranium and expect to make the Big Show.  As an aside, I would like to see the salary structure of the FUPA (Frisbee Ultimate Professional Asssociation).  I imagine the majority of these guys need to hold down some other job to make ends meet?  At least for now?  And, you wonder do they think they’ll ever get to the point where this will be their only job?  Are they sitting around saying, “This is totally going to catch on and be HUGE.”  I mean, if Quidditch(?) can become an inter-collegiate sport, maybe the FUPA can replace the NFL.  A more interesting question might be, how hard would it be to get a clip on Sportscenter?  I think if you gave me a team of six, some camera equipment and a healthy beer supply that we could crack the Sportscenter Top-10 by Labor Day.  

Q:  Is there some random job you fantasize about doing?  For me, it’s being a UPS driver.  Not FedEx, only UPS.  Beat Bang, Conshy, PA.

A:  I think this is nothing more than an unexplored brown short fetish, but I’ll go ahead and answer.  I think most people have “fantasy jobs” that aren’t really fantasies.  It’s something that looks like it might be fun for a day or two.  Who wouldn’t want to spend a day delivering packages?  People LOVE packages.  When I was a kid and I saw the UPS truck coming down the street I always PRAYED (fake kid praying, not real praying) that it would stop at our house.  Even though I was not expecting a package, and if a package was coming it certainly WAS NOT for me.  But, what if it was?  What if I was getting a secret present?  Stranger things have happened.  So, the UPS driver gets to experience that kind of glee all day long.  Of course, that’s probably not how it actually plays out.  It’s all barking dogs, no parking, and fighting for signatures.  I have had thoughts about being a mailman, trying to make a great time on my ROUTE, but that’s too similar to yours.  I’ll go bartender.  Kind of the same premise, everyone wants to be served a tasty quaff, right?

Q:  Have you ever had, or even seen a knockoff M&M?  If you have, was it as bad as I’m imagining?  Brandon Kname, Pottsville, PA.  

A:  Obviously you’ve never been in a bulk candy store.  But speaking of M&Ms, I was in Wegman’s not long ago and they had a GOD DANG M&M section.  Just bin after bin of M&Ms in every color imaginable.  And you could just pour away.  I almost has a Pauly Shore in Encino Man moment.  That’s the honest truth.  But, getting back to “knockoff” M&Ms, I have had them.  Here’s a fun fact:  The generic term for an M&M is a Chocolate Gem.  Google it.  I guess they aren’t too prevalent, but like I said you’ll see them at most candy stores.  The beauty of the M&M is that it dominates the market at a reasonable price point.  You’re getting the best and not feeling it in the wallet.  I think I’ve got some bad news about the gems, though.  They’re pretty good.  I’m not going to cross the line to blasphemy, but as long as you don’t totally mess up the shell to chocolate ratio your generic M&Ms are pretty tasty.  I understand your sentimentality, you want the M&Ms to be MUCH better, you want that satisfaction of eating only the best,  but if you ever get in a pinch, don’t be afraid to pilfer a handful of chocolate gems.  

Q:  How furious were you that Jamie Moyer picked up the win last night?  The guy seems to be your personal nemesis, and now he’s the oldest starting pitcher to ever win a game.  Time to re-open the Hall of Fame debate?  Satchel Page, Chicago, IL.

A:  Yep, Jamie Moyer beat the Padres.  One of the worst teams ever assembled.  On his third try he became the oldest starter to ever win a game.  I’m surprised they didn’t cut in on all major networks to show the last out.  I was actually a bit relieved.  Get it over with.  Once Moyer made the team, this record was inevitable, so maybe we can finally stop talking about him every five days.  I think, or I HOPE, that the “Moyer breaks his own record,” buzz will be a little less pervasive.  I don’t really want to get into the Hall of Fame question again.  Moyer’s not a Hall of Famer.  And, there’s nothing he can do in my mind to change that.  He can go ahead and win 300 games.  He can pitch until he’s 60.  He’s still going to be mediocre, something he’s been in the majority of his MLB seasons.  Moyer is an oddity of longevity.  Would you put an incredibly average NBA player in the Hall of Fame just because he was 5’8″?  Moyer is still 32 wins short of 300, but there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight to this incredibly selfish campaign he’s been on for the last few years.  I’m positive he wants to win a game at 50, so if you have a brain in your head, it’s time to start rooting for this guy to get blown up in every single start he makes.  It’s time to hang them up and start a short career as the most annoying pitching coaches of all-time.  

Q: Are there microwave smell rules for a group environment?  Some foods just don’t smell that great and the microwave is an incubator for those toxic aromas.  I don’t want to influence people’s eating habits, but come on, I’ve got a nose over here.  Watt Dyed, San Diego, CA.

A:  Not many things smell good coming out of the microwave.  I think that’s because very little good food can be made in a microwave.  There are the timeless microwave smells like burnt popcorn and cup o’ noodles–both awful.  It really takes you back to a college dorm.  I can only imagine what some microwave Lean Cuisine dinner smells like.  It must be a pungent crime against the nostrils.  You know what smells bad in the microwave?  Generic spaghetti sauce.  It’s just….not right.  I think my worst microwave smell experience was burnt hot dogs.  Mercy.  It was rough and it lingered.  You almost have to burn something else, just to clear the smell palate.  I’m sure people are self-conscious about what they make in a microwave, but there’s only so much you can do.  If someone is really getting to you, I suggest a series of long and disappointed looks.  Don’t be MAD they made the whole place smell awful, be DISAPPOINTED.  Enough of those looks and maybe they’ll start slapping together some PB&J’s.