First sighting of the Girl Scouts today. With their cookies, stationed outside the grocery as is their custom. It was a dangerous situation. I hadn’t eaten much all day. An impulse struck. ELEVEN boxes of Thin Mints, please. How’s your supply? Is there a minivan around the corner with back stock? I tried to talk myself down as I approached the table. Then I saw the sign: $4.00. An even four. Was there a Girl Scout labor dispute? That’s a little steep isn’t it? I remember when ten quarters got you a box. I’m starting to wonder if there is a tipping point with Girl Scout cookies. They’re good, but not THAT good. How much is too much? For easier to answer questions, a mailbag….
Q: Why hasn’t the pint glass adapted to people who pour beers out of a bottle or vice versa? Always a bit frustrating to see 12 ounces come up so short when pouring out a fine brew. Swift Poor, Houston, TX
A: Have you ever been to one of those old school bars that gives you a little pony glass with your beer? They set down a bottle of, oh I don’t know, ROLLING ROCK and that tiny little glass. It’s very odd, but sometimes I use the glass anyway, just for the novelty. Do you get drunk quicker with the small glass? Was that the origin of power hour? I DON’T KNOW. Anyway, there’s really no substitute for a draught beer, properly poured into a nice pint glass. The problem is, there are two different pint sizes (American and Imperial), and those glasses don’t really hold a pint of beer. Unless you’ve masted the “headless” pour, a 16 oz beer into a pint glass would be a nightmare. So, what I really think we might need is an “American” version of the pint glass that holds about 13.5-14 ounces. Then your 12 oz beer would go in there perfectly. Of course, you could also just drink the beer out of the bottle or can–save yourself the dish work. But I know the temptation of pouring into a nice glass. I like to do it when I’m only having one drink. Keeping it CLASSY tonight, Boys. Just one glass, I’ll take my time and admire the craftsmanship.
Q: I saw two men the other day and they were dressed not alike, but in very similar styles. Designer jeans, pristine Nike running shoes, puffy black vests, aviator glasses. Age estimate? 38. My bewilderment? 100%. What are your thoughts? M. Barasstforu, Brooklyn, NY.
A: You never want to underestimate the power of peer pressure or make the mistake that this is something that ends when you finally get your GED. And, not only that, I imagine there’s probably a bit of hero worship going on here. One of the guys makes decisions about what he’s going to wear, how he is going to dress and the other guy just copies that sh*t ALL DAY. So, the leader of this two-man pack decided he was going to have a mid-life crisis and the other just jumped in behind him with nothing but blind faith and a willingness to crush some North Face. It’s tough getting older. You don’t want to wear Dad jeans and you don’t want to look like a hopeless poser, either. You can get away with jeans. The Nikes and puffy vests are a dead giveaway, though. These guys would love to, in the right light, immersed in the right crowd think they could pass for “late twenties.” Won’t ever happen, but that’s the dream. The harder you try, the more you stick out.
Q: What’s a more annoying, a movie or TV show casting someone who doesn’t look anything like the actor to play a “younger” version of them in some flashback, or when they put an awful hairpiece on the person and expect them to play 20 years younger? Frank Senbeans, South Bend, IN
A: I think the lesson is, flashbacks are really tricky. I bet the first person that thought of a flashback must have felt like a genius. I will now change storytelling FOREVER. It must have been like when Ferris Bueller turned and talked to the camera, or more accurately to the audience. But at this point, the flashback has put on the freshman fifteen. As you mention, there are two ways to do it–find another actor to play the young version of the character, or put on some old clothes and a wig and hope for the best. There seems to be a cutoff age. When Ben Stiller had to play his high school self in There’s Something About Mary they let it happen. It was part of the joke. But if he was supposed to have been in Middle School, it would have been absurd. They would have rounded up the first scrawny child with curly hair they found and thrown him into show business. I think the different actor is more annoying, unless we’re talking about Californication, in which case, I hope they never do another flashback. I hate 90s Hank Moody.
Q: Now that Rory McIlroy has taken a lucrative deal with Nike, which swooshed star do you think will have a bigger year in 2013? Rors or The Tiger? Phil Nite, Beaverton, OR.
A: Yep, Nike made the leap for Rory. That’s what they do. I wonder what the other equipment companies were throwing Rory’s way? I can’t imagine Oakley, his former clothing sponsor, can really play in that ballpark. Titleist, god bless them, pays no one crazy money. They’re content with a few younger guys and dominating the golf ball market. Anyway, the switch requires Rory to go to Nike through the bag, and that’s what gives the hater’s fuel. They point to noted equipment switch disasters–Payne Stewart, Corey Pavin, Nick Price and others, but equipment has become a lot more consistent across the board. It’s not like Nike is Goldwin, or PRGR. So, while Rory will need some time to adapt to his new clubs (he started off the year with a smooth 75-75-MC), this isn’t going to be a situation where he can blame a bad year on his clubs if he does struggle. We ended 2012 with Rory being the clear cut best player in the World. Will that continue in 2013? I’d bet against it, just because of the increasing depth on the PGA Tour. Could Tiger be the one to replace him on top? I’d bet against that as well. I’d expect 4 different major winners, maybe one of these guys snag one, but I’d take Tiger to have a marginally better year, but I expect Rory to be a better investment for Nike than David Duval or Penny Hardaway. Guys I like this year: Oosthuizen, Scott, Bradley, Dustin Johnson and Sergio.
Q: If we ever get to the point where profanity is universally accepted on all TV broadcasts do you think sportscasters would sprinkle in a colorful curse or two, do you think think we’d be inundated with F-bombs? Would they not be able to break the no-profanity habit? O. Fuhk, Denver, CO.
A: I’m looking forward to a world where we can curse freely in front of children and children are allowed to match me horsebleep for horsebleep. Cursing is one of those things that most people will eventually do when they get older, so why bother worrying so much about it? You know what I’d be worried about? My kids never learning to spell thanks to texting and Twitter. What’s worse, an eff bomb slips through the cracks or using, “Wut ru doin gurl, LULZ, smh.” I’m just asking. Of course, you could argue that profanity is just a crutch for a bad vocabulary, and it certainly can still be offensive. Because of that, I don’t see profanity penetrating your network sports coverage any time soon. Someone will always be offended, and it’s not like you need profanity to listen to a game. Would it provide the occasional laugh? PROBABLY, but we may never know how funny it could be. Even if you gave the broadcasters free rein, I think they’d keep it pretty clean. Maybe allow cursing only after dunks in the NBA? Is that a compromise?
Q: Kobe Bryant said the other day that he had never lost a 1-on-1 basketball game during his time in the NBA. Do you believe this and are you undefeated at anything?
A: Kobe is a professional version of someone who tries too hard in gym class. I could never be Kobe’s teammate, because I wouldn’t WANT it enough. Especially during practice. Kobe would be the guy who after a 3-hour practice would be challenging people to a 1-on-1 game or a few extra suicide races. But once that whistle blows, I just want to go home and eat a pop tart, OK? Kobe’s competitiveness probably guarantees that he’s going to play harder in 1-on-1 games and he’s probably in the habit of challenging players who he knows he can beat. All that said, I have a feeling this is one of those athletic oversights. I saw a special on Jack Nicklaus once and some other player said he was playing with Jack later on in the year and Jack told him that he hadn’t 3-putted all year. It wasn’t true, but Jack believed it, his competitive mind blocked out those 3-Jacks. That’s probably what Kobe did as well. I’m sure he went down to Eddie Jones a few times during his rookie year. He was 18 and averaging 6 points per game. I doubt he was dominating practice. I don’t think I’m undefeated at anything. I did have a pretty good run in a game called Horse Show Championship of the World, which drove my sister crazy because of her Kobe like intensity and me giving my horses names like, “Pee Wee Herman.”