Monday Mailbag Momentum

But No Kandy Apples.

So I’m driving down the road last night sometime after late dusk.  It’s not completely dark.  I’m not on a highway, but on a pretty well-traveled thoroughfare.  Suddenly the car behind me puts their high beams on.  Not a flash, the signature move of all assholes, but they were just driving with their high beams on–right behind me.  The light hit my rear view mirror and went directly into the center of my eyeball.  I was furious.  So, I’m wrestling with the rear view, trying to flip it into that less reflective position and then the high beams go off.  Then, back on.  As someone who spends a good portion of time judging other people’s driving, I’m not sure I ever encountered a more frustrating scenario.  Finally, the mongoloid banged a left and I was free of their reign of terror.  Of course, when I went to re-adjust my rear view, it fell off the windshield and rattled around in my cup holder.  Great times.  

Q:  When I was kid I had a friend who would eat dog biscuits.  It was kind of like his party trick.  I was thinking about him the other day.  Do you think he made it?  Milque Bones, Boston, MA.

A:  I assume you mean IN LIFE and not as someone who eats dog biscuits professionally–as an adult.  I’m sure they’re doing just fine.  They probably haven’t even had the urge to eat a dog treat in years.  I’ve never sampled dog food, which is a bit surprising considering my extensive exposure to it, but then isn’t surprising considering I rarely sample anything.  My junior year of college my roommate and I housed a dog illegally in our apartment for a few months.  In our cupboard we had a package of really fancy dog cookies.  They were decorated, looked like real cookies, etc.  One day they were just gone, and I’m fairly sure the dog didn’t eat them.  Someone rummaging through our place for snacks CRUSHED them, and they probably never knew.  One time I gave my dog a Frosty Paws (dog ice cream) and I almost licked the lid out of habit.  GAH.  And, there always is a chance I have eaten a dog dessert without knowing, but I try to eat things made for humans.  I’m not typing this with a bowl of Snausages sitting next to me.  As for your friend, I think dog food has really come a long way.  I’m thinking no lingering effects.  You can eat dog biscuits and go on to lead a RELATIVELY normal life.  

Q: Please rate the following carnival foods: Sno-Cone, Cotton Candy, Corn Dog and Funnel Cake.  Carny Landsferd, Aston, PA.

A:  It is carnival season.  A bit of surprising news:  I’ve never really gotten into The Corn Dog.  In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever had one.  I guess I would like them, but it’s a bit of an unsettling VISUAL for me.  The only thing I really eat off a stick would be dessert pops.  Your basic Dove Bar, a Firecracker Popsicle–things of that nature.  I’m just such a traditionalist with my dog intake.  I like my bun, etc.  So, I’m going to have to abstain from rating Corn Dogs.  In last place, I’d put cotton candy.  It’s OK, but maybe too much sugar at this point in my life?  I don’t get quite the same satisfaction when the stuff crystallizes in my mouth?  Is that a valid point?  I like Sno-Cones a little more, because Sno-Cones know they are ghetto.  From the cheap paper cup, to the huge bottles of “syrup,” this a low-rent operation.  Eating a Sno-Cone is a roller coaster of emotion.  It looks so good for the 1st four seconds.  Then all the syrup drains and you’re basically eating plain ice for 5 minutes, but then it’s pure glory when you can CHUG the syrup at the end.  It’s nutritious.  Kids today are probably too fancy for Sno-Cones, they want water ice.  The funnel cake really dominates everything on this list, though.  It’s fried.  AND, it’s topped with sugar.  When you eat something and the paper plate it was sitting on has all but disintegrated beneath it?  That’s your Winner!

Q: Is it more dangerous to navigate a busy highway at rush hour or a parking lot of a Super Wawa at lunchtime?  Hamilton Shortie, Newark, DE.

A:  I’m going to amend your question, because if we’re talking rush hour–it’s not even close.  Stop and go traffic is a walk in the park compared to Wawa.  How about driving in Connecticut on I-95 with traffic flowing vs. Wawa?  Connecticut, by any reasonable measure or observation, the home to the worst drivers in America.  People come over from India and are a little unsettled by some of these moves.  In terms of chance you’ll get into any type of accident the Wawa parking lot is going to win.  I avoid the Wawa from 11:30-1:30 if I can, because it’s just too trying of an experience.  There are gas lines, food lines, checkout lines–it’s just lines.  I wonder how they staff Wawa, because during the lunch rush they need about 11 people at the deli, but what do they do for the rest of their shift?  Anyway, Wawa parking lots are also oddly designed.  You have the ILLUSION of plenty of room, but there is always someone pulling out, in, cutting across–nightmare.  There are stop signs, but no one pays any attention.  But is any of that really dangerous?  I think the highway is more dangerous, but the Wawa is more likely to have you taking snapshots of your bumper with your iPhone.  

 

Q: Do you ever have a correction dinner?  Like one day you are out and maybe you order a burger or something and it’s pretty awful so the next day you have the exact same thing to rectify that experience?  Charl Broiled II, Chicago, IL.

A:  That’s an interesting concept.  I’ll have the same dinner two days in a row on a fairly regular basis, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever had this particular motivation.  Sometimes I just remember a dish is very good, so I make it again.  Haven’t had Mac N’ Cheese for a while, have extra supplies left over–BOOM.  I can see this happening, though.  I’m picturing a cook out.  You are PRIMED for the occasion and then your host breaks out the frozen Bubba Burger patties and that part of your brain that produces joy just dies ON THE SPOT.  Maybe they don’t have your favorite kind of rolls?  Maybe the center of your hot dog is “chilly?”  A lot of things can go wrong at a cookout.  Maybe the Bubba Burger was just enough inspiration for you to go out and get some fresh ground beef for the next night.  I can tell you one thing I will do that is similar to this.  If I go to a restaurant and maybe they have small portions, or I am at a dinner event and it’s all odd little finger foods or something and you can’t sit down and properly FEED yourself?  You can bet your ass that I will bury myself in dinner the next day.  Two days in a row with small dinners is borderline starvation.  

Q:  What would you make of an adult who said their favorite book was “The Cat in the Hat?”  Are they being intentionally cute?  Have they never read a novel?  What the hell?  Sam Eyem, Whoville, FL.

A:  I love looking at lists of people’s favorite books.  Will they list all the Twilight books or just say, “The Twilight Series?”  Will they leave out one of the Harry Potter books?  How can you make these tough decisions.  Every book is part of a series now.  A Jack Kingslover Mystery #36, or Sloane Peterson Romance #412.  Anyway, if someone said their absolute favorite book was The Cat in the Hat, I might have to conclude that they aren’t the biggest reader.  It’s perfectly OK to like the Cat in the Hat, but for it to be your favorite book?  Something isn’t quite adding up there.  That’d be a bit like saying your favorite food was some delectable offering from Gerber.  It is a clever thing to say, though, if you haven’t read a lot of books, because it will throw the person asking the question off guard.  A more standard answer, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” or something along those lines could lead to follow-up questions.  EXPOSE YOU.  What if they ask about something that isn’t in the movie?  No one is going to be like, “Oh, The Cat in the Hat….what’s your favorite part?  Tell me about the symbolism.”  The conversation is pretty much over from the get-go.  Dr. Seuss–moving on.  I’d rate a Seuss fan above a Twilight fan, though.  OK, you don’t read, but maybe you like good movies–or something.  

Q:  I have a theory that the downfall of society can be traced to the vending machines in the entrance ways to grocery stores.  When America was really thriving, you could get yourself a real prize, now it’s just crap.  Helen Ahandbasket, West Chester, PA.

A:  Nothing quite matches the disappointment of getting the wrong thing out of a vending machine.  You want that Phillies helmet SO badly, but no, PADRES again.  It’s a great life lesson.  Do kids even care about this stuff any more?  Do they look up from their video games long enough to even notice the vending machine?  In my opinion the holy trinity of vending machine toys are: the Super Ball, the Plastic Helmet, and the Fake Tattoo.  That’s the elite merchandise.  I haven’t checked out the machines lately. Can you no longer get super balls?  The last thing I remember seeing on a regular basis were Pokemon stickers.  Is that from this century?  What does it cost for a sticker now–$2?  When I was a kid I was keenly aware of the machines.  I wanted ALL the baseball helmets.  I needed them for THINGS.  If you gave a kid a mini-helmet right now he might flip you off.  That’s my first guess.  I think several problems can be illustrated through the vending machines including the following: We are no longer easily amused and more importantly, we can’t even get cheap sh*t cheap any more.  I’m not sure I’m ready for a world where you can’t placate your dipsh*t kid for the ride home with a quarter.  That used to be a bargain.  Now you probably have to buy them a new app to keep them from choking you out with your seat belt.  

 

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In Honor of Alliteration, The Monday Mailbag.

Level of Correctness.

I’ve never really gotten into cold pizza.  It’s just so…cold.  The toppings don’t look right.  I know that many people love it, though.  I admit it confuses me.  I wonder how much of the appeal is borne out of laziness.  Everyone knows you cannot microwave a piece of pizza, so to actually warm it back up—it takes several minutes.  Is this love of cold pizza just a love of being able to eat something instantly?  Is cold pizza a different meal for a different time of the day?  If cold pizza is so fantastic, why don’t places sell it that way?  You know, pickup or delivery, hot or cold?  I think these cold pizza people might be lying to themselves a little bit.  Just a thought before we delve into the mailbag. 

Q: All signs point to the new Great Gatsby movie being awful.  The question is why can’t they make this book into a solid film? West Egg, Hartford, CT.

A:  It’s my understanding that the first version of Great Gatsby to hit the screen (sometime in the 40s) was decent.  I’m sure it would be unwatchable today, but perhaps that first adaptation was the best.  The one most people know, the one you sit through in English class when the teacher got tired of discussing the book, stars old Bobby Redford and comes out flat.  It’s not terrible, but when you are making a movie out of what is widely regarded as one of the best novels ever written, the bar is set awfully high.  I think this is part of the problem. The expectations are just too high, especially since almost no movies really live up to their books regardless of how good the book happens to be.  The other problem might be that the movies tend to focus on the wrong things.  The parties, or the relationship between Gatsby and Daisy.  The Great Gatsby isn’t a love story and I think some people want the movie to be.  The version that opened last week looks almost comically superficial.  They’re showing it in 3D, and it’s pretty clear the story works best in two dimensions. 

Q: What do you think about people who get militant about meat temperature?  Is well-done something to get angry about?  Is it really? Red Center, Omaha, NE.

A: Probably not.  I read the occasional article on cooking and one question that comes up time and time again is, HOW DO I COOK THIS STEAK?  The answer is always the same.  Sear-Roast.  And, that is fine advice, but the advice is always for a medium-rare steak—at the most.  This is what we’ve all deemed to be the correct temperature, but I don’t think it needs to come with so much judgment.  When you read these tips for cooking it will often include something like, “feel free to leave the steak in the oven longer IF YOU WANT TO RUIN IT.”  And, I think that’s the angst you are talking about.  I guess chefs and amateur cooks get OFFENDED when an ingredient isn’t treated properly.  I feel this way on occasion, but it’s mostly when I have to eat the dish.  If you want to make something well-done, or f’ing raw for yourself—go right ahead.  If you are cooking for others, you should at least make an attempt to be aware of their temperature preferences.  I can say, that if I was a guest, I’d rather slog through something that was overdone than something that was raw.  If I come over and you set down a pork chop in front of me that’s pink and mushy in the center—I MAY VOMIT.  Sorry.  Guess I like my pork “ruined.” 

Q: Do you think parents get nervous when their kids give them a present, thinking, “oh my god, what is this going to be and I’ll probably end up having to wear it.”  Mack Aroni, Denver, CO.

A:  Well, I’m not a parent, but I think I can take a reasonable stab at this just through my observations.  I can say with certainty that parents (especially Moms) like getting SOMETHING from their children, because when presented with the opportunity or the need to make a comment, they can chime in with, “Oh, MY Frederick got me the cutest…” and then you just fill in the blank with whatever.  I overheard a couple of these conversations on Mother’s Day.  You don’t want to be the mother that didn’t get anything.  That might say something about YOU as a mother and not about your unappreciative kid.  But in terms of the actual present?  My guess is that parents would always prefer something they can display.  When you are five years old and you come home with a mess of construction paper, or a pasta wreath, or one of those drawings where the sun takes up 84% of the page, your parents can just throw that on a wall somewhere.  Most parents will proudly show this type of thing off, and even insinuate on occasion that their kid is MAYBE not completely terrible at art (he is)?  But, if your mother had to wear that pasta around her neck?  Or your drawing was stenciled onto a T-shirt?  I’m thinking we’re talking about a drastic decline in enthusiasm.  You probably have to be an adult to start getting decent adult gifts for your parents.  Otherwise, it’s “I’m getting Dad this Harry Potter Lanyard!”  Well, Dad’s not going to like that unless it’s sticking out of the ignition of a new car.  

Q:  What do you think is worse, striking out to end a game, or giving up a home run to end the game?  Kenny Wahlkoff, Pittsburgh, PA.

A:  Here’s how I’ll answer.  I assume at some point in my life that I struck out to end a baseball game.  Even though I was Rod Carew like with my contact skills, I bet it happened.  More than once.  The thing is, I don’t remember it happening.  It didn’t leave an impression on me.  I remember the home runs I gave up and none of them were of the walk-off variety, so if that had been the case they would probably be seared into my brain.  I’m approaching this with a Little League mentality, but I think how we look at things in baseball is shaped by our younger years.  From the moment they remove the tee, people start striking out ALL THE TIME.  But, the home run becomes a mythical achievement.  Since most six and seven year old kids can’t go YARD, when someone finally does hit a home run, it is a HUGE DEAL.  That awestruck reaction to a home run sticks with you for your whole life.  The sight of a home run can still cause professional athletes to act like children.  So, because of the joy the home run causes for the offensive team, the gloom it causes for the other team is proportional.  The other thing about home runs?  People always let you know about them.  I heard what’s his face took you DEEP yesterday?  Yeah, yeah, yeah–you’ll be hearing that for the rest of your life.  

Q:  I was driving by a XXX video store the other day and I was pondering to myself, how the hell are these stores still in business in the internet age? P. Eeepshow, Carlsbad, CA.

A:  The old “drive by” question, huh?  The short answer to this question is people are a bit pervy.  For the long answer, I may have approach things a bit more delicately.  I’m no XXX video store regular.  I don’t have the courage.  I remember back in the day when regular video stores had the adult rooms and I would always be SO CURIOUS, but I never went in them–even after I was of age.  You get the feeling that you are going to walk out with your bit of TASTEFUL porn and all of a sudden your grandmother is going to be sitting there knitting you a new Christmas stocking–or something.  That wouldn’t happen, but that’s how it makes you feel, plus the looks from other customers.  At an XXX store you don’t have that concern, no one is in there picking up Toy Story 3 (At least not the animated version), but you could always run into someone YOU KNOW, which would be devastating for both of you.  I think I’m dancing around things here.  Bottom line, XXX video stores usually sell MORE than just videos.  There is a market for these items and there is a group of the population who doesn’t associate any stigma with strolling into the Pleasure Hut, or whatever locale it was you had in mind.  I imagine some of these places have regulars, foster a real sense of community. Can’t get that online.  It’d be like having a happy hour over Skype.  

Q:  Why don’t professional golfers have their swing coaches caddy for them.  Wouldn’t they be better at giving advice, or making a small correction during a round?  Hank Hainee,  El Paso, TX.

A:  There are a few players, among the lesser known golfers, that use their coaches as their caddy.  I just read this morning, that Casey Wittenberg, who played with Tiger this weekend has his swing coach ON THE BAG.  It does make a certain bit of sense, but golf is such a delicate game.  You are so sensitive out there.  It’s tough to make changes mid-round, and you probably don’t really want to be thinking about your swing when you are trying to shoot a score.  Like the old, grumpy, tour pros with the homemade swings like to say, “We’re playing golf, not GOLF SWING.”  There are other stumbling blocks as well, though.  Most guys have multiple students, so who would you caddy for?  Sorry, Tiger, gotta go loop it for Justin Rose today–he’s hitting it left of the world.  And, let’s not forget the monumental egos that these coaches have on tour.  They probably (definitely) consider themselves above the caddy profession.  You also don’t want to tie yourself too closely to one player’s fortunes.  It’s all well and good until your prize student “Goes Duval,” and then all of a sudden you are coaching and caddying for the guy who can’t keep his ball on the property let alone on the fairway.  

Q:  Do you think the Phillies should sell high on Kyle Kendrick right now, and if he keeps this up, what kind of contract is he going to get in the off-season?  Is Kendrick a 100 million dollar pitcher?  Will he out-earn Tim Lincecum?  Are we still on Earth?  Boris Scott, Tampa, FL.

A:  He’s going to get more money than Lincecum.  That can definitely happen.  Kendrick is 4-1 with a 2.47 ERA and has been one of the brightest spots for the Phillies this year.  He has vastly out-performed any ceiling that I would have put on his career.  Kendrick is the original Happ, the original Worley.  In 2007, Kendrick won 10 games and people got excited.  While Happ and Worley have gone on to have their struggles, Kendrick has rebounded over the last year from his own extended bout with mediocrity.  What he has going for him is that he’s still just 28, and the league will always be starved for pitching.  Should the Phillies trade him?  Probably.  If it gets to that point.  After a decent road trip, the Phillies are still bouncing around on the fringes of wild-card contention.  They’ve got a lot of issues, but it’s still too early to put them squarely out of it.  I think that’s where they are headed, but for now, Kendrick has to keep pitching and keep winning.  If they sell off pieces, Kendrick would be a logical choice, because part of the appeal of having Kendrick is having him at a cheap rate.  Can the Phillies even afford to sign him after the season if this keeps up?  Is that where the Halladay money would be best spent?  Probably not, but I can say that if this was three or four years ago Kendrick might already have his extension.  What would KK bring on the open market?  I’m not sure he can keep this up, but assuming he ends up with an ERA around 3.00 and stays healthy–he’s in for a big pay day.  The market will cool slightly because of a lack of track record, but again–he’ll be 29.  You could give him 5 years without going too deep into his thirties.  He won’t get 100 million, though.  Kendrick doesn’t have the raw stuff to support that total, but 5/70 might be on the table.  I can’t believe I wrote that.  But, we’re in a world where 34-year old Kyle Lohse was a bargain at 3/33.  Trade him tomorrow.  

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It’s The Mailbag People.

Oh, He’s Probably Just Nosing Through the Trash.

Chris Kelly, one half of the rap duo Kriss Kross, passed away yesterday and it has a lot of people of my generation reminiscing about their music and their influence on style.  Kriss Kross was known for wearing their clothing, a lot of overalls and jerseys, backwards.  Tons of kids copied this move.  Did I ever wear my clothes backwards?  Absolutely not.  I was not cool enough.  I was less aware of pop music than any kid in America.  I never had a WALK or DISC man.  I didn’t watch MTV.  I didn’t care at all when “Eagle” 106 FM changed their format to jazz(?).  I had to endure my friends talking about bands, albums, etc. and I would just sit there and have NO IDEA what they were talking about.  This, of course, was better than actually trying to participate in the conversation, which would inevitably lead to me embarrassing myself quite thoroughly.  The moral of all this, of course, is that the children of the 90s lost one of their cultural icons AND I was a very strange child.  Onto a strange mailbag…

Q:  What’s a more ideal roommate situation?  Someone you don’t really know who is quiet and clean, or living with one of your best friends who is a slob and a general train wreck?  Tank Franklin, Pittsburgh, PA.

A:  I guess it depends on how much of a neat freak you are and whether or not you want to be watched in your sleep.  It’s tempting to go with the quiet roommate, because silence really can be golden and cleanliness is nice too, because nothing is worse than opening your door and getting laid out by the stench coming from your kitchen.  What’s in the sink?  I DON’T KNOW.  But, here’s the thing with those quiet roommates you don’t know so well–do you ever really know what they’re up to?   Sure, they aren’t making any noise, but they could be up all night photo-shopping themselves into your family album.  NOT NORMAL.  So, I think if you have the chance you should always try to live with a friend.  It can be dicey, but most friendships can survive a roommate situation.  It’s not like going in halves on a Blockbuster Video franchise.  I lived with friends throughout college and I was the messiest of the group, but none of us really cleaned the common area with much vigor.  There were times when I’d get up, sit down in front of the TV to play some Grand Theft Auto, my feet would sink into a puddle of keg juice and I’d want to LOSE MY MIND.  But you get over it pretty quickly, because the day before you probably did something UNSPEAKABLE in the bathroom–or whatever.  Just the cost of doing business.  

Q:  If a television station suddenly wanted to make a sitcom about your life, or based on your oeuvre, if you will, would you want to play yourself in said sitcom ala Seinfeld, or would you take the Larry David route and turn the role over to a mutt like Jason Alexander?  Elaine Benes, Baltimore, MD.

A:  I really don’t have any desire to see myself on television, but if you are the real STAR, you don’t have a choice right?  Larry David, whether he’s really George or not, wasn’t the main character.  They didn’t hire, oh I don’t know, PAUL REISER, to do Seinfeld’s comedy, right?  That wouldn’t make sense.  An important part of comedy is delivery.  Seinfeld’s jokes need to be delivered by Seinfeld.  First, because he’s the best one to deliver them, but also because if he’s behind the show he’s going to want to make sure the product is how he wants it to be.  If you are asking me to put myself in a position where I am famous and funny enough to have my own TV show then you can bet your ass I’d stumble in front of the camera every week.  I’d probably have the wardrobe department fired every week for, “PUTTING ME IN THAT SHIRT,” but I’d give it a shot.  

Q:  If it were guaranteed to be friendly and docile and never attack you in any way, would you rather have a monkey, a tiger or a bear as a pet?  A real pet, not just in a cage outside.  Dr. Dewey Little, Boise, ID.

A:  I wouldn’t want a monkey–NO OFFENSE, Mr. Chimpanzee.  Monkeys are too similar to humans with their mannerisms.  Can you imagine sitting on the couch watching TV, maybe picking a rogue shard of Tostito out your teeth, maybe fiddlin’ with the iPad and you look over and your monkey is DOING THE EXACT SAME THING.  I’d sh*t myself.  I couldn’t handle that.  For a proper pet/owner relationship to occur you have to maintain some of the time-honored guidelines.  There’s hanging out with your pet and then there’s sitting there with your monkey with nothing to say.  Awkward.  So, that leaves us with Tiger and Bear.  I was about to say that a bear would be way too big, but I’m seeing here that Tigers can hit 650 lbs.  That kitty condo would take up a lot of space in the living room.  I’m not even going to get into the litter box scenario.  You’d have to fill the entire East Wing with kitty litter.  But I just can’t get past how cool it’d be to have a tiger in the house.  Just relaxing, basking in the sun, scaring away the occasional mouse?  I’ll go tiger.  

Q: Do you ever wonder what curiosity did to the dog?  Fran C. Feast, Humble, TX.

A: Wow, a lot of pet questions this week.  Are dogs curious?  The dog doesn’t destroy the trash can because he was CURIOUS about what was inside the can, he did it because there was a paper towel in there with a drop of bacon fat on it and they wanted to EAT THAT TOWEL.  I’ve seen dogs that are “curious” about why you aren’t paying them attention, but again, I’m not really sure that counts.  I think dogs are mostly content with their lives and so they are fine sitting on the floor next to you and don’t feel the need to see if they can jump up on top of the bookcase just because it’s there.  I think we need to get rid of this saying all together, because from my experience curiosity doesn’t kill the cat.  It may drive you to a mental institution, but the cat is going to come out just fine.  Standard cat behavior is them eyeing up some impossible jump, wondering if they can make it, attempting said jump, landing awkwardly (knocking over everything), one millisecond of self-awareness as they steady themselves and then they just saunter off–FULLY ALIVE.  Meanwhile, you surround the scene in crime scene tape while you sweep up the shards of glass, spilled drink–whatever.  

Q: Since it’s allergy season, what do you think about people who sneeze and it comes out as “achoo?” Is achoo a word?  I find it all very annoying.  Pet Dander, Coatesville, PA.

A:  Achoo is a word.  As I write it there my spell check is perfectly comfortable.  No issues.  A sneeze is a very personalized thing, much like a laugh.  And you can drive people crazy with both.  When it comes to sneezes, I prefer to let nature take its course.  Just release.  Don’t try to hold it in, don’t do any necessary muzzling–cover your mouth of course, but don’t be ashamed.  Don’t conform to what society thinks your sneeze should sound like.  I think some people modify their sneeze just to better set themselves up for the “bless you.”  They want that attention.  HEY, sneezing over here.  So, maybe they exaggerate it, I’m sure you’ve heard the unnecessary syllable at the end of a sneeze?  Also annoying.  As far as the “achoo” people go?  I guess they must live out their lives like a children’s book.  Achoo is one of those words that is a close approximation of a sound.  So, in these people’s minds maybe that’s what a sneeze is supposed to sound like?  They read Suzie Suffers from Sniffles at age 4 and it made a HUGE IMPRESSION?  They probably think all dog barks sound like “woof,” and horses go “nay,” etc. etc.  I agree, this is an annoying habit, the abbreviated, “choo,” sneeze being even worse.  

Q:  Let’s say we ended the war on drugs.  Not that we won it, we just gave up.  All of a sudden the government was like, you know what?  WHATEVER.  Do what you want.  Are there any drugs out there you’d be tempted to try?  Drugs Delaney, Pawtucket, RI.

A:  Oh yeah, PASS ME THE BLOW.  I don’t know.  I’m not in a real experimental phase in my life right now.  I’m not sure that I ever was.  I don’t want to be addicted to anything, with the possible exception of sugar, so I can say honestly I have no interest in any of the harder drugs.  CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES.  No thanks.  Drug intake would be a stumbling block for me.  Even if it was around I wouldn’t want to smoke anything, or snort anything.  I don’t even like swallowing pills.  Maybe this is why about all I ever do is drink some beers.  Drinking is SO EASY.  So natural.  The only chance you’d have of getting me to do anything would be marijuana in some type of edible form.  I don’t want to take massive bong rips, but if there were no consequences I might try a laced dessert.  MAYBE.  But, like I said, I’m not really feeling too experimental.  And, I spent plenty of time observing stoned people in college.  It didn’t look like I was missing out on a whole lot.  I get my food cravings naturally.  

 

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We’ll Do a Mailbag.

Might Light Your Wrist, But That About It.

Been a while since I’ve posted something.  Last week was a very busy week, and with what was unfolding in Boston, it just didn’t seem like the time to be posting a mailbag.  Not that this blog is a news outlet, unless you consider mediocre gambling advice news, but I guess I wasn’t in the mood for the mailbag’s signature levity.  One of the things you hear in the aftermath of terrible events like the marathon bombing is that now we’ll see what Boston is really like–the city will show its true colors while emerging from this tragedy.  I don’t doubt there is truth in that statement.  Boston, as provincial as they come, will rally around itself.  It’s already been happening for days.  But I don’t need events like this one to be shown the heart of a city.  I am admittedly not a city person.  I can’t envision a scenario right now where I would ever live in an urban setting.  I judge cities through my brief trips, but more so by the people I meet and get to know.  The qualities that will eventually get Boston past what happened last week?  I’ve seen them all along.  So, as we get back to more normal posting here, my thoughts are with Boston and the people who have showed me what the city was really about.  

Q: I think I saw this the other day.  A school bus driver, think off-duty, meaning no kids were on the bus.  He’s in a parking lot.  A woman is walking in the parking lot.  And, I think he “tried to holla,” if you will.  Can you hit on a woman while driving a school bus?  Would this be the best pick up ever?  Otto Mann, Springfield, IL

A:  School bus drivers really have a certain joie de vivre, don’t they?  I don’t know what school bus drivers are like now, but back in my day the ranks were populated with some real interesting folks.  Our district had one crazy old coot, Hank (?), who every kid wanted to have drive their bus.  I forget Hank’s exact routine, but he had a shtick. He was like Max Patkin–only at the wheel of big yellow.  But, it wasn’t all Hanks.  There were some real dicey characters too.  I remember one lady sold the kids sodas.  Sweet side business.  There was the notorious incident of the woman telling me that our grass needed cut–think I touched on that before.  The women were notorious bitches.  There, I said it, but moving on…can you pull a school bus up to a stranger and pick up said stranger?  I suppose anything is possible.  I’d really need to see video of this meeting to decipher what was going on–pick apart the film if you will.  Maybe this is what the guy is thinking.  By approaching the women WHILST in the bus, he conveys two main points.  First, I’M EMPLOYED.  Second, he’s apparently trusted, by someone, to drive kids around.  In today’s market that might qualify as a CATCH.  For all we know, a school bus could be the new puppy at the park.  These guys could be killing it with the ladies.  Just kidding, I imagine the conversation probably went something like: Bus Driver, “Heyyyy, haven’t seen you at this bus stop before…” Woman: (calls police).  

Q: Who do you think would do better on Jeopardy, football coaches or baseball managers?  Turd Ferguson, Hollywood, CA.

A: I’m afraid that would be a case by case type of thing.  I suppose I could speak in some generalities.  Football coaches probably have less time to do Jeopardy beneficial things like read books?  And, we always hear about the “smart” baseball managers.  Football coaches are called geniuses at the drop of a hat, but that’s a football description.  They are an offensive genius.  Or a defensive genius.  They may know NOTHING about EUROPE or POTENT POTABLES.  On the other hand, I think we talk about these brilliant baseball managers, because over the course of a long season we don’t have anything else to say.  Hey, did you know Tony LaRussa has a law degree?  NEVER QUESTION HIM.  And, that’s how Joe Maddon becomes Phil Jackson Jr, because he reads books and wears trendy glasses.  All classic signs of dominating on Jeopardy.  So, I guess if I have to take one, I’d take the baseball guys, because they are slightly less obsessed with their own sport?  It’s a real tough question.  How about my dream game of coaches jeopardy?  I think I’d want to see Phil Jackson vs. Tony LaRussa vs. Bill Belichick.  Those egos competing against Alex’s?  You wouldn’t be able to look away.  

Q:  Why do we need TVs at gas pumps and what are the long term social and ecological implications?  Pissed at the Pump, Phoenixville, PA.

A:  Believe it or not, I think this is going to be a short-lived phenomenon.  I think the people at the gas stations will soon realize that everyone’s phone is far more interesting to them than whatever they could show on TV.  It’s not even real TV, it’s bootleg, pre-packaged TV.  I can’t imagine anyone saying, “Oh, I’ve got to go to that gas station because they have TVs.”  Like I said, you can just look at your phone.  I always feel great about myself when I leave my phone in my car while I pump gas.  LOOK AT ME–completely independent from modern technology.  Of course, then I scurry back in there, PRAYING that someone has messaged me.  No messages?  But I was out there for an eternity.  Anyway, a TV, or some distraction is a nice feature for a urinal maybe, but what purpose do I think it serves at the gas stations?  DISTRACTION.  They’re thinking maybe this guy will lose focus for a second and accidentally fill up his whole tank.  Instead of “Give me $7 on pump four,”….BOOM–sixty dollars!  I think some people that can afford to fill up all the way, just don’t these days because of the psychological toll.  They put in $39 and fill up more often, just because they don’t want to see those meters run up over $50, $60 or $70.  The other day I was filling up and some old-timer asked me for directions to the Valley Forge Casino.  I said, “I’ve got a deck of cards in the car.  If you want to just give me your money and save the hassle–I’m game.”  But, he was insistent on going, probably a Wheel O’ Fortune slot man, so I have to tell him how to get there.  Next thing I know, my tank is full.  Ouch.  Anyway, distraction–that’s my final answer.  

 

Q:  If you could somehow research this accurately, what percentage of pets do you think like their owners?  I don’t want to get dark here, so I’m talking about people who take good care of their pets only.  And, let’s keep it to the major pets.  We all know that reptiles feel no emotion.  Brad LaDoodle, Augusta, ME

A:  I’m not sure what the MAJOR pets are.  Cats and Dogs?  This is an interesting question.  I think the results would be a bit like asking kids if they liked their parents.  It might all depend on when you catch them.  You take your typical, happy family and the kids will probably say they like their parents the majority of the time, but god forbid you catch little Bradley after he got his video game device taken away or after he was FORCED to continue with his piano lessons.  He’d probably give you some real COLORFUL language to describe his parents.  I could see the same thinking happening for pets.  What if your dog is at the tail-end of an six hour session in their crate while you galivant all over town?  If I ask your dog, “Thoughts on Becky?”  They might be all, “You mean the slut?”  I think the moral here is that the world would be a lot more entertaining if all pets biting senses of humor.  But really, pets are more like young children than aloof, awful, freak show teenagers.  They rely on their owners for a lot, so that builds up a ton of loyalty.  I’m going to say that 95% of dogs like their owners and I’m going to put the cat number at a bit lower, 91%, because some cats are notorious misanthropes and cannot be helped.  

Q:  Have you had a chance to try the new Entenmann’s Raspberry Crumb Minis?  I want to dip a toe, but I don’t want to be disappointed.  Minnie Danish, London, England.

A:  Funny.  What’s your next question, have I ever seen the Phillies bullpen blow a lead?  Of course I have tried the Entenmann’s Raspberry Crumb Mini Cake.  It’s in a very sporty package.  Caught my eye right away.  I don’t want to ruffle any feathers over at BIMBO bakeries, but I MIGHT have a few issues with Entenmann’s.  First, the pricing is getting a little out of control.  Let’s not pretend we’re some organic, boutique bakery on the Main Line.  Know your role, Entenmann’s.  You are a TAD ghetto.  A while back I was having a healthy impulse and I grabbed some Super Cinnys and a bottle of chocolate milk on a weekend morning.  Hit the self checkout, and the device is telling me the total is like, “$8.39.”  I actually thought I had scanned something twice.  But, no, those Super Cinnys are SUPER expensive.  It’s cut into my Entenmann’s habit a bit.  I’ve got to be honest.  And, the miniature danish was never their strong suit.  They’re just trading off the success of the larger products.  You see a small little package and you think you are getting a miniature Raspberry Danish TWIST–but alas, that is not the case.  Some of the same ingredients are there, but the composition is OFF.  Same scenario with the new Mini Crumbs.  Some good flavors, a possible step in the right direction, but still a sorry substitute for real thing.   Entenmann’s is just not a single serving size company.  You buy the whole crumb cake, and eat it in 2 days.  

Q:  Why do people insist on going through the NFL schedule game by game, before the draft, and trying to predict a team’s record?  John Raworski, Medford, NJ.

A:  People are starved for the NFL.  Can you believe it’s been about 10 weeks since the Super Bowl.  That’s a LIFETIME.  I actually think they should release the schedule earlier, because now we’re right up against the draft.  The draft makes the schedule release look like Spring Training.  It’s another benefit of the NFL’s short season.  No other sport could get away with something like this, but people can take the time to hand out 16 L’s or W’s.  Speaking of which, here’s the Eagles rundown:   

1. @ Washington–L
2. vs. San Diego–W
3. vs. Kansas City–W
4. @ Denver–L (ulz)
5. @ NYG–L
6. @ Tampa Bay–W
7. vs. Dallas–W
8. vs. NYG–L
9. @ Oakland–L
10. @ Gren Bay–L
11. vs. Washington–L
12. vs. Arizona–W
13. vs. Detroit–W
14. @ Minnesota–W
15. vs. Chicago–L
16. @ Dallas–W

So, 8-8.  Unless they draft Geno Smith.  And he actually plays.  In which case, 4-12.  Speaking of the Draft, I’m going to Mock it up this.  Andy Reid is going to mess it up.  I can feel it.

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Amen Mailbag.

“Golden Bell? More Like Golden Hell” ~ Rick Reilly

Blistering 84 degrees today.  Inappropriate.  There was a scene in the Mad Men opener, a solid start to the season I thought, where some squatters were lamenting the winter.  Living without heat one of them said they missed the summer when they were hot all the time.  I suppose this is the only answer if you are living in an uncontrolled environment, but assuming it’s not a life or death situation, I’ll opt for the chill in the air.  Maybe it’s just the shock to the system.  Fifty degrees to eighty, but it feels like 95 out there today to this guy.  I had to break out the short pants.  My legs are in Mid-January form.  They’re whiter than Gonzaga.  In the spirit of the Masters, I may have to take them out for some type of golf activity to get some color.  Let’s mailbag, some golf, some not…

Q:  What do you think is the best hole at Augusta National?  Ronald Ross, Jeffersonville, PA.

A:  I feel like there is answer to this question if you’ve played the course, or at least seen it in person, and then an answer for those of us who watch it on television.  If I went and played the course, I would probably choose the one hole where I made a par (assuming I made one) or something along those lines.  But, let me approach this as an armchair critic with a very high opinion of his taste.  First, some holes of note.  One is just too damn hard for an opening hole.  The par fives on the front nine don’t really stand out.  I always loved the green complex around 7, but have heard too much about the hole being “ruined” in recent years.  I like eleven, sixteen, and I love the tee shot on 18, but I’ve got to choose twelve.  Is that the biggest cliche answer in the history of this blog?  MAYBE.  Twelve is great because it’s not 230 yards and because it’s a perfect representation of Augusta.  Elevation change, hazards, small targets, a treacherous putting surface.  I’ve always felt Augusta was about the individual shots.  So, why not choose the best individual shot on the course as the best hole?  Please feel free to correct me in the comments.  

Q:  Can you ever interject into a stranger’s retail purchasing experience?  Say they are about to pick some horrid mustard off the shelf, or emerge from the dressing room looking upholstered…can you speak up?  SHOULD you speak up?  

A:  I’ve had this happen to me in the positive way.  I was once pulling a bottle of Sticky Fingers BBQ sauce off the shelf and a woman standing there felt COMPELLED to tell me how much her husband like that sauce and how she sometimes had to go to GREAT LENGTHS to secure it for him.  It made me marvel at her social instincts.  If I saw someone doing the same it would definitely register in my mind, “I’ve had that sauce–It’s good.”  But, I would never open my mouth.  You’re in a grocery store aisle.  Not an open forum.  We’re not filming for QVC.  ARE WE?  I can’t imagine my reaction if someone told me my selection was a poor one.  The unsolicited part of this is what makes it a tough question.  If someone hold ups a bottle of Hunt’s ketchup and is like “Yay or Nay,” you are free and clear to make gagging noises, but if they just pick it up off the shelf?  I don’t believe you can intervene.  That crosses the line into forcing your opinions on someone else.  After all, if there is an entire rack of Hunt’s ketchup–someone must like it.  People without taste buds, people who put on elaborate Halloween stunts–they need their ketchup too.  So, as usual, best to just button it up.  

Q:  This would never happen, but say it did.  What if Augusta National auctioned off a membership?  What price do you think it would go for?  Donald Trumpp, Miami, FL

A:  Assuming the membership would come stigma free, it would go for an astronomical figure.  I did some research and it appears the golf club with the highest initiation fee is Sebonack, the relatively new course in Southampton with the legendary neighbor, cost $650,000 when it opened its doors.  That number is now rumored to be closer to 1 million dollars.  There are others in this rare air.  The Bear’s Club, Jack Nicklaus’ spot in Jupiter FL, reportedly will set you back a 1/2 million, but that comes with some equity.  Equity or not, Augusta would blow these figures out of the water.  I imagine like at most exclusive clubs, the annual dues at Augusta probably aren’t as high as you might think.  They create a ton of revenue, they have a vast membership, so we’re really talking about a one-time outlay of cash.  On the low end, I’d guess 10 million.  And, honestly, nothing under 50 million would even make me bat an eyelash.  Mark Zuckerberg in a bidding war with an Oil Sheikh?  100 million?  Sky is the limit.  

Q: I have a question about overweight actors and actresses.  Do you think they ever tire of the fat jokes?  Isn’t this a bit sad, or are they just happy to be playing a part?  Polly “pass the biscuits” Pendergast, Manakin Sabot, VA.

A:  I’m sure it bothers them.  I don’t think anyone is ever fully immune to a joke.  Not completely.  It’s like when I watch a celebrity roast and these comedians are saying awful things about one another.  They are all laughing, and you hear about comics having this inner circle where anything goes, but I don’t know how you can brush something like that off completely.  Another way you know it must bother people?  There are always actors and actresses who start out heavy and then drop a bunch of weight.  Jonah Hill was pretty ROTUND, but he slimmed down to give himself an opportunity to play something other than the chubby, funny guy.  I don’t think the weight loss is really for the specific role as much as it is for the opportunity to get a wider range of parts.  I also wonder what overweight actors think of skinny actors who “gain 50 lbs” for a part.  Are they like, “HELLO, right over here.  Already BIG-BONED.”  But, seriously, I think it is so tough to get into acting that most are probably happy for the work.  I think most actors and actresses have to lower their standards a bit, or come to terms to play some early parts.  I’m sure the young women playing Topless Girl #4 aren’t necessarily dying to show off, but next time around maybe they’re in a bikini, maybe they get a line–who knows?  

Q:  What do you think Bobby Jones would shoot at this year’s Masters if you took him in his prime, transported him to modern times, gave him a new bag full of Titleist swag and let him practice for a month?  Hootie Johnson, Auguta, GA.

A:  Bobby Jones last played the Masters in 1949, but that was long after his prime.  You’re talking about a golfer who was at his best in the 1920s.  The equipment would be a shock to him.  Even though it would be way more forgiving than his set of butter knives, he would probably have to adjust to the weight, the feel of the new ball on the club face, etc.  People are talking about Rory McIlroy struggling to make the adjustment from Titleist to Nike, well that’s just different versions of the same technology.  But, even with having to make the adjustments, the golf swing is the golf swing and Bobby Jones certainly swung it well enough, and was powerful enough to not be phased by the shocking length of Augusta National.  The extra 1,000 yards wouldn’t be much of a factor in my opinion.  The biggest difference might be around the greens.  Augusta had different grass on the surfaces back in his day and I don’t think the speeds were quite as extreme.  Getting a feel for the short game would probably be the biggest obstacle.  I think an in his prime Jones, with a month to get ready shoots around even par.  I would say he finishes in the top-30.  I hope that’s not too disrespectful.  It is, isn’t it?  

Q:  The top-5 shows in 1988 were: The Cosby Show, Roseanne, A Different World, Cheers and Golden Girls.  This is what people liked 25 years ago.  Say none of these shows ever existed, which one would be the most popular today?  Rusty Dalrimple, Queens, NY.

A:  Golden Girls was a top-5 show?  That’s a bit shocking.  I mean, Golden Girls had that ROLLICKING theme song and some moments, but was it that good?  Maybe it was.  Lot of sass on that show.  LOT. OF. SASS.  So, none of these shows existed and they are all getting pitched in 2013?  Well, I think with the possible exception of A Different World–they’d all get made.  A Different World was a spinoff of the Cosby Show, so maybe it has the least merit standing alone?  Shows about college kids don’t usually do well.  Is that a fair statement?  Something happens between high school and college that makes people less interesting?  No, I think it’s more, kids in middle school watch shows about kids in high school.  Kids in high school and college don’t really watch sitcoms?  There’s a theory.  I’m booting Golden Girls, too.  Can’t get past it.  So, you have the Cosby Show and Roseanne, two family shows centered on famous comedians, and Cheers, which is more of an ensemble production centered in a bar.  Shows about families are still popular.  There’s certainly some Roseanne in The Middle, for example.  I think Cheers would be critically acclaimed and have a real loyal audience, but ratings wise would probably be doomed to Office and Parks and Rec type numbers.  Pressed to make a final decision, I’m going (based solely on ratings):

1. Roseanne
2. The Cosby Show
3. Golden Girls
4. Cheers
5. A Different World

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In Honor of Easter, A Mail Basket.

The Horror

Made some history recently when I finally sampled the MEGA STUF Oreo.  It was the Golden Oreo variety, and it was special.  It was everything a Vienna Finger should be.  Back when we first touched on the level of STUF, I said that MEGA STUF was probably my limit.  Well, these Oreos go down so smooth, that I’d be willing, if Nabisco was willing, to try a MAGNA STUF, or even SUMMA STUF.  I may have to go out and try the chocolate MEGA STUF before they disappear from the shelves.  It baffles me in this day of gourmet cupcakes and obscenely ornate flavor profiles that something like the Oreo can still dominate, but they do.  It’s kind of like how you keep coming back to the mailbag.

Q: Do you think reviewers, people who critique food, movies, books, etc., ever feel bad about what they write?  Obviously, they must remain credible to be a reviewer, but is there any conscience involved?  Grant Stevens, Executive Chef, “Universally Panned Pizza,” Pottstown, PA.  

A:  Are you kidding me?  I think most reviewers probably love a good take down.  The profession comes with a built-in superiority complex, so you must remember that they think they are doing FAVORS.  You, the reader, are better off knowing their opinion and the poor chef, or writer is also better off, because now they can forget their silly dreams and GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES.  Of course, the truth is anyone can be a reviewer.  Have you seen Yelp, or Urbanspoon, or any other website?  They’re chock-a-block with people who think they are experts.  Most online reviews are either glowing or scathing.  No middle ground, and what that reveals is an agenda.  The professional reviewers have an agenda too, they’re just better at disguising the ulterior motives.  But, do you want to know why reviews and professional reviewers still exist?  It’s because people are always dying for someone to agree with them.  They want their own taste validated.  So, if you go to some restaurant and despise the CHEESE PLATE, you want to know that other people are out there who also hate that dish.  When you see that scathing review, you pat yourself on the back.  I KNEW I was right.  

Q:  I’m reading a story this morning about how John Beilein, head coach at Michigan, cuts his own lawn and edits his own game tapes.  I remember a story from way back lauding Tiger Woods for ironing his own pants–or something.  Using the Tiger example, we’ve pretty much proved this isn’t a great indicator or character, right?  Noah Starch, Trenton, NJ.

A:  Sports media is always trying to create a balance between deification and humanization.  On the playing field, the athletes, the stars, are god-like.  They do things we cannot imagine.  It’s myth making.  But, off the field, it’s important to realize that these athletes, coaches, personalities are just like us–the fan.  We want to identify with them on a human level, because we can’t identify with them on an athletic level.  Some of these stories can turn out quite well and can be very interesting, but they often require an actual angle or some genuine research.  What happened here is John Beilein’s team made the Final Four, so we’re in a rush to get things on paper.  Humble coaching beginnings?  Cuts his own grass?  GOLD.  In terms of whether this is an actual indication of character?  Like you said, there are probably too many examples to the contrary to make such a ridiculous claim.  What do I think?  Famous people who still DO THEIR CHORES could be humble, but they are equally likely to be control freaks.  Tiger probably ironed his own pants because he was very PARTICULAR about how they looked.  He didn’t want to sacrifice even a tiny bit of control over his appearance.  What Tiger didn’t know is that back in the day no one in their right mind would have ever taken any credit for his look–Tiger was the last skinny guy in the World to switch over to flat front pants.  But, I’m not here to turn this into a discussion on pleats.  My feeling on Beilein is that he’s probably an OK guy, who also happens to have a fit if is grass cutting pattern is even the slightest bit off.  

Q:  Can you believe licorice (the hard stuff, black licorice) was actually considered a candy flavor or whatever you would call it?  Surely if licorice was invented today it would never taste like licorice? Red Vines, Detroit, MI

A:  Black licorice is the stuff of childhood nightmares.  Is there a monster in the closet?  Probably not, but I’m quite certain I will shriek in horror if I accidentally ingest a black Jujy Fruit at a movie.  The taste is so powerful.  You have to eat about 30 regular Jujy’s just to get your taste buds back to square one.  They don’t even include the licorice flavor anymore do they?  DO THEY?  I’m not sure, but anyone who has ever lived has reached for a box of Jujy’s and found only the black pieces sticking to the walls at the bottom.  SO SAD.  I think back in the day people had much less rigid standards about what they’d chew.  I honestly think if it was more socially acceptable people may have just started gnawing away on bones like your common retriever.  What were the other options?  A PIECE OF STRAW?  I assume that tastes like nothing, so the switch to licorice must have been a real eye-opener.  This tastes terrible, but at least it TASTES.  Or maybe it was an appetite suppressant?  Not enough corn pone to go around the table?  Have a piece of licorice–it’ll turn your stomach until morning.  But the novelty of chewing has worn off, we need tasty treats, the black licorice is only around for the die-hards and emotionally disturbed.   

Q:  What would be better, shorter games or shorter seasons?  You know, last night Houston beat Texas and it was a great scene but that probably won’t stop them from going 62-100.  So, would a real short season make sense so that game really meant something?  Or, would something like a 20 minute basketball game or hockey game be a better alteration?  To compensate for the fan experience, every night could be a triple-header.  Alexander Duckblind Derringer, New Orleans, LA

A:  I get the logic behind this.  If you’ve ever watched the end of a hockey, football, or basketball game you know that is the most exciting time.  The intensity is higher.  The sense of urgency is insane.  For a long time I wondered, if NFL teams try so desperately to conserve clock at the end of the game, why do they waste it so freely for the 1st three quarters?  I guess the answer is that while a few teams maximize their plays, going at that pace for a full 60 minutes wouldn’t be possible.  You could say the same for the NHL’s nothing to lose overtime period.  Exciting, but can guys keep up that level for 60 minutes?  I see a few problems:

1.  The triple-header thing wouldn’t work, because you’d end up with “1st games” that are just as boring as “1st halves.”  If the hockey season is suddenly 246 mini-games long, that 2 points in game one of a triple header isn’t worth much.  So, the games would actually have to last 20 minutes, which pretty much ruins the whole, “going to the game” experience.  

2.  Basketball would be brutal because of the fouling.  The end of a basketball game can be exciting, but it can also be a tedious nightmare because of constant fouling out of desperation.  So, 1/3 of your game could be spent watching people go to the line.  

3. It’d be a bit too arbitrary for some people.  If you give up a fluke goal in hockey in the 1st period, or if a guy runs back the opening kickoff, there is time to recover from those blunders.  If NFL games were 20 minutes long, as soon as a team got a lead they’d be milking the clock and making things as boring as you remember in a 60 minute game.  Sports are ideally designed for the better team (or player to win) and the length of the event is commensurate with that premise.  You don’t see guys playing one set to decide Wimbledon or nine holes for the green jacket.  

So, noble idea, but shortening the season is the real answer.  I could have turned this into an argument for baseball not having a clock, but at 162 games they’ve got their own set of problems.  Some baseball fans have already been worn out by 33-game Spring Training schedules.  

Q: Which is mostly likely to cause an injury:  your first time water skiing or snow skiing?  Chet Ripley, Chicago, IL

A:  Well, you are speaking to someone who does not participate in winter or water sports of any kind.  I do not ski, I do not board, I do not “ride.”  I do nothing you would ever see in any type of X-game.  You have to know your limitations.  Pretty much all of my athletic ability is focused from the waist up.  Need me to catch something?  NO PROBLEM.  My longest hacky sack streak ever?  1 TOUCH.  I remember the first time I ever attempted a skateboard.  I was at a friend’s house.  I was probably 8 or 9 years old.  This kid wasn’t any good, but he could at least ride it in a straight line.  I took one step on the thing and immediately fell.  INSTANTANEOUSLY.  Scraped the horsebleep out of my palm and that was all she wrote.  I knew right there I would never try that again.  Did you know there were wheels on the bottom of that thing?  JAY-SUS.  So, water skiing or snow skiing?  I’m going to say snow skiing, because I think it’s easier to get yourself in more trouble.  If you can’t water ski, from my understanding, it’s very hard to even stand up so you’d  just immediately fall over before you got going fast or got yourself headed toward a rogue buoy.  With snow skis, I feel like one wrong turn down a trail and you are headed into a forest.  You can let go of the rope when you are water skiing.  You can’t make a mountain stop going DOWNHILL.  I’m certain I’d hurt myself on my first trip down a slope and I know this happens to people–so don’t try to change my mind.  

Q:  Who’s going to win the NCAA pool?  And, any general thoughts on the tournament?  

A:  Every year when the tournament rolls around it feels like you are watching a “great” year or an “off” year.  You completely forget a couple of weeks later which year it was, but in the moment there is a keen sense of whether or not you are being entertained ENOUGH.  There have been some highlights this year (Dunk City, the Kansas/Michigan ending), but I think for the most part it’s been a bit of an off year.  There have been multiple horrid shooting displays, Wichita State wasn’t our CHOSEN underdog, the other teams in the Final Four are from the major conferences, but don’t have a particular identity like Kentucky did last year. So, we’re left waiting to see if Louisville will get upset.  Right now, I wouldn’t bet on it.  As it happens, in the pool we are also just waiting to see if Louisville gets upset.  

The Current Leader is “Grossy Stop It Bakery” which is a team that I sponsored in the name of my bakery–which doesn’t exist.  I’m joking.  That’s Suz’s team.  Unfortunately, she has no more possible points left.  So…

If Louisville wins another game, doesn’t matter if it’s one or two then the “Louisville Contingent” will surge past Grossy Stop It Bakery and the rest of us.  The leader of this pack is Zeffy Pen, aka DC, aka Team Horse Face–the winner of 2012 D.A. Fantasy Football.  That would be quite the embarrassment of riches in one year, but we’ll see.  I just checked with the internet and I’m told we’re not quite out of Shocker puns.  And wheat shocker sales on Ebay are through the roof right now.  Enjoy the Final Four.  

 

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Put Out Your Bracket Fire with the Mailbag.

Is There Anything Left on the 3-PT Registry?

As I write this I’m not out of my NCAA Pool yet.  I don’t think.  No disasters.  Did I think about putting Wisconsin in the Final Four?  SURE.  But, I held off because even someone who doesn’t watch college basketball knows that Wisconsin can play terrible at any time, plus they were going against fabled gunner, Marshall Henderson.  Hend0 went 3-12 from downtown on Friday.  Shooters gotta shoot.  The benchmark to any pool is surviving through Sunday with your Final Four intact.  If you don’t have that–you’re just rationalizing your failure.  I understand this as well as anyone.  WELL, if I get 6 of 8 and then 3 of 4 and I have the winner?  NOPE.  You’re out.  As an aside, I’ve got to say well done to the Philly teams (LaSalle and Temple).  I’m happiest for the real fans of those schools (especially LaSalle) and also for the fringe like me that vicariously jump on anytime they win a game.  Big Five pride!  So, that’s enough basketball, how about some more pressing topics in the mailbag?

Q:  My soon to be husband and I are pretty well set for “stuff.”  We’ve thought about not registering for gifts anywhere (fingers crossed for a cash explosion) but he had the idea to register at Total Wine.  Not formally, but you know what I mean.  Is it OK to have our wedding guests stock our bar for the first year of our marriage?  Jaqueline Daniels, Newark, DE.  

A:  For those not in the know, or those lucky enough to live somewhere where liquor sales aren’t ruled with an iron fist, Total Wine is a BOOZE EMPORIUM.  Exhaustive selection of wine, spirits and beer and all at bargain basement Delaware prices.  It’s quite a place.  Now, I’ve never really participated in a wedding registry.  I’ve never registered and I don’t buy off the registry.  When I’m flush, you get cash.  When I’m not–you get well-written sentiment and a hearty thanks for the meal.  I imagine some people get very ENTHUSED about the registry gifts.  ”Where’s that last place setting…..YES!”  For me, it would kind of defeat the purpose of presents, but then again–so does cash.  I think the rules of registry are becoming a bit blurred these days.  You can register for your honeymoon, which feels a bit awkward to me (two person jacuzzi tub’s on Aunt Gretel) and who knows what else people are fleecing their guests for.  I’d like to register for the down payment on a Buick–cool?  I think Total Wine is an inspired idea.  It’d be a great chance to get those liquors that you don’t use everyday.  You could build an adult bar and there would be price points for everyone.  If this doesn’t happen, it should probably start–immediately.  If I don’t register at Hershey Park I may steal this idea.  

Q: What’s the more annoying left turn maneuver, the preemptive left as soon as the light turns green, or the never-ending left where people just keep running the light and dare you to do something?  Vi Olation, Fort Myers, FL.

A:  The left turn arrow is such a roller coaster of emotion.  You love it when you are making the left, but waiting for it when you want to go straight through the intersection?  It’s like TIME STOPS.  Someone once said to me that driving would be a lot easier if there were no left turns, and that’s true, but then of course…never mind.  To set the record straight, both of these scenarios have caused me to lose my temper in the car.  The quick left in front of you isn’t really dangerous, what are you going to do, floor it immediately?  It’s just so arrogant.  It’s like the other driver is saying, hold on a moment while I go ahead.  I’m more important than you.  That bothers me.  If I even have to hesitate for .1 second that person is going to get a sarcastic go-ahead wave or a one-handed WTF?  But, the continued left after the green arrow has gone away is definitely more annoying.  It can be dangerous, because once you have the green you kind of assume the other guys are going to stop, but it can also lead to the clogged intersection.  One time I’m sitting in traffic and the left turners just kept coming right into the middle of the intersection. I’m looking at green and can’t move an inch.  The last time this happened to me, I left the road rage to the guy in front of me.  I actually thought he might just plow into the intersection and leave the rest to chance.  

Q: I heard something on the radio the other day about toast.  Bear with me.  The question is, with so much technology in this world, why does it still take so long to make toast, and why doesn’t said toast ever come out how you want it?  Chris P. Corners, Marshfield, MO.

A: If you could microwave toast that would increase the importance of that appliance tenfold, but to me it seems like bread just doesn’t want to be toasted.  Have you ever seen an antique toaster?  It’s quite a contraption.  And I’m sure it didn’t work.  There are countless problems with toast, most notably you need even heat and it takes a while for any type of oven (toaster or otherwise) to heat up.  That first minute your toast is in the toaster oven?  Pretty much NOTHING is happening.  You don’t just put a cake in the oven, you preheat, but that’s cake.  Toast is rushed, it’s ghetto.  It should be much easier to make, but the same rules of ovens apply.  An actual toaster probably does a bit of a better job, but toasters are cheap.  When you pay 8 bucks, you get 8 bucks worth of toasting quality.  This isn’t to say that expensive toasters work well–because they don’t either, really.  I think the best way to make toast is under constant monitoring (with a flip) in a toaster oven.  You don’t have to worry about bread size or a rogue coil being super hot and burning the horsebleep out of one corner.  This takes incredible patience, though, and a bit of a time commitment.  No one wants to do this.  IT’S JUST TOAST.  So, we settle.  That’s the bottom line.  Society, as a whole, has accepted this mediocre toast situation.  Everyone is still out there buying the cheap, ineffective toasters.  It’s a bit like setting out to get a tan, I think.  Do you want to make the full commitment, the SPF, the slow and steady process, or are you OK with a nice foundation burn?  When it comes to toast, people love that foundation burn.  

Q:  Since Tiger Woods has found new love (obviously the real key to his golf game), what would you think if a relative of yours started dating Tiger?  Mortified, or psyched for the Masters badges?  Tinsley Vonn, Denver, CO

A:  We’re talking female relative?  That’s a tough one.  I think most guys have that one friend (or more) that they love, but would never want their sister, or even their 9th cousin to date.  You’ve seen too much of their repertoire, so to speak.  It’s funny that guys can exclude, “how he treats his girlfriends,” from friendship criteria.  I’m sure girls do this as well.  But, Tiger seems like an extreme case of this phenomenon.  His checkered history is right there to read on the internet.  Guy is an allegedly recovering, alleged sex addict.  WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!  But, as far as Tiger’s potential as a “guy friend?”  It’s high.  Forget Masters badges, Tiger could take you to play Augusta National.  Throw in free Nike stuff for life, access to all kinds of golf courses, professional golfers, a substantial pile of money, Tiger’s reputation as a decent guy’s guy and it’s quite a tempting scenario.  The flip side of the coin is just too rough, though.  Do you want your relative to be the butt of constant text message and Perkins jokes?  Would you want them plastered all over the internet in creepy, posed photographs?  I believe in Tiger’s golf game, but I also think he might run his marriage total to three or four over the years.  I’d vote to keep my family out of it.  

Q:  Pretty significant argument going here.  A friend of mine consistently tries to order, ‘extra steak,’ on his cheesesteak, even if the place doesn’t offer it on the menu.  He claims that cheesesteaks are notorious for “skimping” and he wants a full meal.  I say he’s doing a dangerous dance and is likely just messing up “the ratio.”  Please advise.  Whitney Whizz, Ardmore, PA.

A:  I think I’ve covered cheesesteak construction pretty extensively over the years, but for the benefit of new readers, the most important parts of a cheesesteak are #1–roll,  #2–cheese/meat ratio, and #3–overall meat quality and flavor.  You can eat filet cheesesteaks all you want, but that choice meat doesn’t make it a better sandwich than your typical rib eye.  You paid 13 dollars and maybe it was good, but if it wasn’t on the proper roll, or if it was mis-cheesed then you’ve made a very big mistake.  My basic thoughts on extra meat are it’s an option to do at some place that doesn’t make a great cheesesteak.  If you are getting an average product, at least pack that thing with beef.  I’ve found the extra meat is never properly cheesed and you end up with a loose, crumbly layer of meat on top of the sandwich.  It falls out, it doesn’t taste as good, and it gives you an idea of what a plain steak sandwich might taste like.  My god, who would EVER order that?  Inevitably, the best bite is next to last one when you’ve worked your way into the base of the roll where the cheese tends to gather.  Finally you get what you’re looking for, but this is what a good cheesesteak can do on every bite.  Is John’s in Frazer great because of the bread, or because “Chris” is a master cheese ratio man?  Toss-up.  When I order a cheesesteak, I’m looking for a distinct taste and experience.  I’m not expecting the Carnegie Deli.  I’m going to side with Whit on this one.  

Q:  What takes more athleticism, dunking a basketball or quickly recalibrating the shower temperature after a flush, or similar incident without burning yourself or suffering an embarrassing injury?  John Commode, Omaha, NE.

A:  I can’t dunk a basketball, but I feel like both of these require great instincts.  You just do what comes natural.  My shower doesn’t have a problem with flushed toilets, but the temperature shoots around in all directions on a whim.  The hot and cold faucets are MOSTLY DECORATIVE.  When I feel that first scalding drop of water it’s a calculated process.  Divert the shower head, duck and lean around the stream, adjust the faucet and then ESCAPE to the safety of the back of the shower.  All this happens in a split second and while you are compromised by your own nudity.  Assuming you are in your own shower and not the one at sleepover camp where everyone is in swimming trunks.  Everyone has that concern about the shower fall in the back of their heads.  So humiliating.  I say all this, because I do understand your question.  But, like I said, I cannot dunk a basketball.  I’m not even sure if I can fan the bottom of the net at this point.  The move in the shower is a SKILL that requires precision, like shooting billiards.  The dunk is still more athletic.  

 

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Because There’s No Saturday Delivery: The Mailbag.

Z.Jay69@gmail.com?

Yesterday was Geno Smith’s pro day at West Virginia.  A pro day is essentially a beauty pageant for a top NFL prospect.  What I’ve never understood is why teams put so much stock into these performances.  You have QBs, running around without pads, throwing scripted routes to familiar receivers.  What about an NFL game is anything like that?  Would you go to a driving range and watch guys hit 5-irons to decide who you’d want to make a crucial 8-foot putt for you with 20,000 people ringing the 18th green at Augusta?  I understand there are certain throws that a QB has to be able to make, but hasn’t he made them over the course of his college career in game situations?  To me, QB pro days are just chances for NFL scouting guys to fall in love with players they’re dying to love on the players’ terms.  We’ll see if Geno Smith, now likely a high 1st round pick, can live up to his tantalizing performance from Thursday.  Anyway, a mailbag, which may or not be the blog’s equivalent of a pro day…

Q:  I’m sure you’ve noticed that a lot of people use their birth year or another significant date in their email addresses.  It’s not terribly creative, but what can you do?  My question is, what’s the protocol when you’re born, married, graduated in 1969?  Sean Carter, Brooklyn, NY.

A:  I haven’t created a new email address in a while, but it’s always a bit of a struggle.  How exciting was it when Gmail debuted and there was a chance you could get your actual name?  Damn, that could make you feel important.  Oh, my email address?  It’s just MY NAME at Gmail.  Let the significance of that waft over you.  It’s a bit like having had your grandpappy sail over on the Mayflower.  But, so few of us can get our names, and so there must be modifications.  The question is, what do you want these modifications to say about you?  I see a good number of email addresses and I ALWAYS draw some type of conclusion.  That’s just my way.  I saw an email the other day that was like, Scuzzzylax99…I’m serious.  There was an extra “z.”  Extra letters, especially z’s and x’s are HUGE red flags.  But, getting back to significant years, it is a common practice in email addresses.  Should people born in 1969 be excluded?  I like to be inclusive, but you’ve got to be aware of the general immaturity of society.  Think about how many people are sullying your birth year as they log into various websites of ill repute.  In the end, if I’m a ’69er–so to speak–I think I’ve got to use the full year.  ThreePuttTerritory1969@gmail.com.  Someone check the availability of that for me?  

Q:  Do you ever wish grocery stores were a little more honest with their meat packing?  Everyone knows the fat and the junk is shoved underneath the chicken breast, right?  Couldn’t we just be more honest about it?  Tuck Ribmeat, Houston, TX

A:  This practice doesn’t really bother me with chicken, but with steaks and pork chops it can be a real nightmare.  In an ideal world, your meat isn’t coming in a prepackaged container, but who has the money for that?  I can’t pay to have my meat grass fed, bottle nursed and hand-trimmed.  You’ve got to make certain sacrifices or sometimes you’re just in a time crunch.  There have been times when I’ve gotten a pork chop home from the store, turned it over and found  out it’s the ass end of the loin and there’s a huge vein of fat running through the thing.  It makes me SEE RED.  I want to take the offending piece of meat back to the store and slap someone in the face with it.  DOES THIS LOOK LIKE CENTER CUT?  So, with certain meats you must be very careful.  But, at the end of the day, I think we’ve come to a compromise with the grocery store butcher.  It’s a game, a little dance we do.  Do you really want your chicken packaged haphazardly?  Don’t you want to see those breasts front and center?  I think you do.  

Q: Ever wonder how much of a pain in the ass it would be to have long hair?  I can’t even begin to think about the agony it must cause.  Everyone who has long hair must think it looks better, right?  Surely there’s nothing practical about it.  Buzz Cutte, Dallas, TX.

A:  My hair is a little long right now–for me.  I’m not throwing it into a pony tail or french braid or anything.  Yesterday it was very windy.  I walked out to my car, was outside for a grand total of 45 seconds and my hair was all over the place.  It looked like I had just emerged from a cave after a two year hibernation.  I had to quickly piece it back together to try and look presentable.  Luckily for me, my hair kind of falls back into place, but if you have long hair can a stiff breeze ruin your whole look?  Does hairspray or some type of “product” work in this situation?  I keep my locks product free.  The last time I used anything was an ill-advised mousse phase in ~4th grade.  I like my hair luxurious, not the texture of raw pasta.  There are so many drawbacks to long hair where do you start?  I couldn’t deal with the heat.  I’d spend all summer saying, “GET  THIS SH*T OFF MY NECK!”  And, then drying it after a shower?  Another nightmare.  So, I really don’t think anyone has long hair for practical reasons.  It’s gotta be for the look.  And I think most of us probably appreciate a nice long hairstyle on someone from time to time.  We should be more grateful for their sacrifices.  

Q:  Would you rather have a good caddy, who’s a know-it-all and a bit of a prick, or just nice a kid to carry your bag around who’s mostly clueless?  Spalding Smails, Bushwood, IL

A:  Caddies are a bit of a mystery.  So few people who play golf get the experience of taking a caddy on a regular basis.  They are an upper class golf accessory.  And for people who get to take a caddy every once in a while, they often aren’t comfortable.  It’s another reminder that you are out of your comfort zone, or it’s one more pair of eyes on your hideous golf game.  You’ll often see golfers apologizing to their caddy if they are a guest at country club.  That’s an odd dynamic, right?  You’re paying the guy to do this job, but apologizing for not being JACK NICKLAUS out there.  Sorry, you had to rake six different spots in that same bunker–here’s an extra twenty.  But assuming you are comfortable and experienced with loopers, which of the above is the better scenario?  In my opinion all caddies are either good or bad, but that doesn’t mean you are going to have a good or bad experience.  Often times the better caddies are the bigger pricks, just because of the elite status they’ve gained in their little world.  They are used to good loops, good pay, and so if they get STUCK with your group, you could end up getting a little bit of attitude.  Of course, there places like Pine Valley, one of the best courses in the world, where the caddies are allegedly encouraged to be critical/sarcastic/generally unimpressed.  Apparently this is part of the experience.  For me, though, golf can be enough of a hassle just trying to hit the shots.  I don’t want to think about my caddy’s mood.  So, if I can’t have a good caddy who is also a good guy (they do exist), then I’d always take the happy idiot.  A couple of good reads isn’t worth four hours of attitude.  

Q: You know how your pets know exactly when it’s time to eat.  To the exact minute?  I always feel for them when we change the clocks.  If humans only ate twice a day and we didn’t have any way to tell time, how close do you think we’d get to the same times every day?  Miss A. Meal, Purina, MO.  

A:  How good are our internal clocks?  I think they’re pretty good, and honestly I think they could be better.  Because we live in a world with alarms and clocks at our disposal it is easy to get pretty relaxed, but I find that I’m one of those people who wake up before their alarm goes off.  It’s annoying in the sense that I rarely maximize my sleep time, but I also very rarely oversleep.  When I come to a minute or two before my alarm is about to go off, that always creeps me out a bit and at the same time I feel very POWERFUL.  Could humans apply this power to their eating schedules?  It must be rough being a pet and having to rely on others for your food.  Hey, PSST, it’s 4 pm.  HEY, how about a little food over here?  Assuming we still were in charge of feeding ourselves, I think we’d probably be slaves to our schedule.  If you were done work and home at 7 pm every night, that’s probably when you’d eat regardless of whether you knew it was 7 pm or not.  If your schedule was less consistent, I guess you’d probably know when it was getting close to 7 pm–you’d get a little stomach rumble, but that wouldn’t necessarily mean you’d eat at that time.  My concise answer is that our guts could help us tell time if we didn’t have clocks, but most of us are probably still too busy to address that hunger at the same time every day.  

Q:  I saw that Seinfeld the other day where George wants to name his kid “Seven,” after Micky Mantle and then another couple steals the name for their own kid.  George, rightfully, is furious.  Do you think real life friends ever disown each other over baby names?  Bob Cobb, Newark, NJ

A:  Great episode.  And, really a fine moment for George.  He’s often so petty, and yet he offered them a second choice for a name, “Soda,” with no hesitation.  Everyone loves soda!  One of my favorite things to do with Seinfeld episodes is to look up the plots.  I HAVE ISSUES.  But, when you think of a Seinfeld episode you usually think of just one of the story lines.  That’s what I do, anyway.  In my memory, that whole episode is about the baby name.  That’s NEVER the case.  For example, this episode was also the one where Jerry’s girlfriend wore the same dress every date and Kramer fixed Elaine’s bad back in exchange for her “girl’s bike.”  Two classic subplots.  And, that’s why Seinfeld is the best sitcom ever.  By a thousand miles.  Getting back to the question, I’m sure this has happened.   People fight over anything.  The only question is, how often does this happen?  Is it prominent?  I have no personal experience, but I think if I had a baby name I liked I might sit on it.  People CANNOT be trusted.  Imagine being the person who thought up Michael?  The epiphany!  Then all of a sudden people are getting named Michael right and left.  Frustrating.  I think there has to be some type of unwritten rule, right?  You can’t name your kid the same name as your friend’s kid?  Unless you have valid familial reasons, or something?  It’s like a first come, first serve thing.  Seriously, say your friend has a 1-year old son named, oh I don’t know, Morty (sticking with the Seinfeld theme), is there any way you can call them up and say, “It’s a boy!  We’re going with Morty!”  That’s a clear violation.  OF SOMETHING.  And, I think the original Morty parents have a right to be pissed.  Whether they get over it or not, I guess that’s up to them.  

Q:  Are you going to have an NCAA pool this year, and how about a prize this year?  

A:  I will set up a pool, as is my custom.  For the stragglers, the downtrodden and the degenerate.  Bring me your tired and weary.  I’m not sure how much action it will get now that I’m semi-Retired.  We’ll see.  Will there be a prize?  We’ve always handed out pride as a trophy for the NCAA’s, but maybe I can think of something.  I’ll try to get the pool information up by Monday Morning at the latest and then I’ll harass people until tip-off next Thursday.  Can’t wait to lose two Final Four teams on day one (again).  

 

 

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Karl Malone’s Luggage.

A Low-Carb Classic.

There’s a beer in my fridge that’s been there for approximately two years.  Maybe three.  It’s the product of a failed trip to Total Wine where I got a selection of odd and extravagant beers.  The majority of them turned out to be terrible.  I bought them before I knew that I had an alcohol content limit for beers.  I’m just not a guy who enjoys 20 proof beer.  Double, triple whatever?  No thank you.  But for some reason I can’t get around to tossing this beer.  There are always a few things in my fridge just taking up space.  Am I self-conscious about having an empty fridge?  Am I too lazy to throw something away?  I’m not sure.  But if you ever come over to have a drink, beware the 23 proof Double Dog Double Pale Ale.  To sober you up–A mailbag.

Q:  Back in college there was this pizza place that served spaghetti pizza. Tasty.  Filling.  Since then I’ve seen the spaghetti pizza pop up at a few other places and we all know that bread mixes well with pasta.  My question is, how come the “pasta sub” doesn’t exist?  Just your favorite pasta dish served on a hoagie roll.  Seems like a billion dollar idea to me.  Alfredo Sandwich, Lansing, MI

A:  I’ve never really gotten into spaghetti pizza.  I’ve got to be careful about how filling my pizza is, because I like to eat a lot of pizza.  I was at this place once that had these huge, stuffed slices.  Every slice was like eating an entire cheesesteak.  But there I was, thinking, two slices?  You’ve GONE SOFT, man.  Long story short I had to lay very still and digest for a long time after that dinner while my body calibrated itself.  But, anyway, pasta sandwiches.  So, we’re talking fetticuine hoagie, baked ziti panini–things of that nature.   I started out a little skeptical, but as I type that out, it sounds PRETTY GOOD.  The question is, does the pasta add anything?  A chicken parm sub already exists, would it be better with some spaghetti thrown in?  I DON’T KNOW.  When I heap some pasta onto a piece of bread at dinner it just all melds together.  I can’t distinguish the carbs.  Maybe my palate isn’t sophisticated enough, but I think what you really like is the sauce and bread in combination.  The pasta is just another delivery system for the sauce.  So, maybe the Italian sandwich market can be expanded, but I don’t see Wawa introducing the lasagna shortie any time soon.  

Q:  Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson have a new movie coming out.  It’s called The Internship and basically they go intern for Google.  Actual Google, not something like Google.  So, along with it being a comedy, it’ll be a 2-hr ad placement for Google.  Anyway, while I’m sure many people are thrilled for this development (GOOGLE CRASHERS!), I have to say I don’t really like Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.  I didn’t like Wedding Crashers.  Oh, Vince Vaughn is talking fast–Great.  But I feel like I can’t bring this up, because people think I’m insane.  What are the most popular movies that you hate?  Sack Lodge, Annapolis, MD.  

A:  I was not aware of The Internship.  And, this is going to annoy you, but as predictable as this movie looks I will probably watch it and might even enjoy myself.  I like Vince Vaughn.  Swingers was a very important movie for me.  I can see how he can wear on you, though.  He long ago gave up trying to play any kind of character and just churns out the Vince Vaughn shtick in every movie.  Remember the Psycho remake?  Domestic Disturbance?  AWFUL.  The same could be said for Owen Wilson who kind of whines and rambles his way through every part.  These guys needed this reunion I think and the nostalgic audience will be there.  It’s been 8 years since Wedding Crashers.  How old do you feel now?  I respect your choice to dislike these films, though.  I have plenty of movies that fit this category.  Star Wars anyone?  Star Wars (I’ve only seen the 1st? 4th?) is a terrible, terrible movie.  But, I think a better example for you might be Anchorman.  Now, I don’t hate Anchorman, I just don’t run around quoting it at all times.  I’ve seen it 1 (one) time.  I think many of the scenes cross the line to plain dumb, as opposed to “classic.”  It’s a fine line, but for me, Anchorman is on the other side of it.  Coincidentally, they are making a sequel to Anchorman and I’ll be as lukewarm to that as you are to The Internship.  But I imagine they’ll both be better than Hangover 3.  

Q: Is outdoor drinking better than indoor drinking, or am I just really looking forward to spring?  Glenn & Tammy Wednesday, Oxford, PA.

A:  There’s something more festive about outdoor drinking.  Games, tailgates, cookouts, outdoor drinking always seems to come with an occasion.  Or, if you’ve just ambled out onto the back deck, it’s relaxing.  Fresh air, MAYBE AN ADIRONDACK CHAIR, it’s more appealing than a couch or a bar stool, isn’t it?  The last thing that makes outdoor drinking great is that it often is working in concert with day drinking.  Day drinking can be awfully liberating.  You feel like you’re getting away with something.  Back in college that first warm day of the year it was always tempting to just stand around outside and drink instead of going to class, or doing anything productive.  I remember the weather breaking one day and I decided to head out to the driving range with a few guys and a six pack.  WELCOME TO AMERICA.  But, outdoor drinking isn’t all fun and games.  It can get too hot.  You can get eaten alive by bugs.  A bee could fly into your Coors Light.  It might be more difficult to see a television.  These are just minor inconveniences, though.  Outdoor drinking is better all the way.  It’s a rout.  

Q:  With the Chicago Blackhawks sitting at 21-0-3, is it time to start betting against them every game?  Surely, this cannot go on forever.  Winn M. Hall, Las Vegas, NV.

A:  It’s quite a start to the season.  They’ve now gone 1/2 the shortened schedule without a regulation time loss.  When you put it that way, it’s incredible.  If you watch the Flyers flail around and be mediocre on a regular basis, the thought of points in 24 straight games blows your mind.  Of course, the Blackhawks are in pursuit of the Flyers’ all-time streak, they once went 25-0-10 over a 35 game span so the Blackhawks are only 2/3 of the way to eclipsing that record.  Of all the failed gambling theories, inevitability might be the worst one.  One of my first trips to a casino included watching someone roaming the roulette pit looking for a streak of one color to bet against.  Of course, the illuminated history of winning numbers is just ANOTHER cruel trick by the casino to take you lunch money.  A hockey game isn’t quite as arbitrary as a spin of the roulette wheel, though.  Certain teams are harder to beat than others, teams have back-to-back games, etc.  Chicago is about to face Colorado for the 2nd time in three days tonight, this time in Colorado.  That’s a lot of anecdotal evidence supporting an end to the streak.  The Blackhawks have been incredible in 1-goal games and in the shootout, but who am I to stand in the way of an earnest young gambler?  Pound the Avalanche tonight.  You will be rewarded.  

Q:  I’ve always heard that backup quarterback is the best job in sports and I tend to agree to a certain extent.  You’re getting paid, right?  But, do we overlook the basketball walk-on?  They’re universally loved.  They get great seats for big NCAA games.  They never have to play under any pressure.  If they do get in the game everyone just wants them to jack up 3s–pretty golden, right?  Towell Waver, Devon, PA.

A:  Basketball on the amateur level is really a sport that caters to the underdog.  Middle schools, high schools, college programs of all levels, many seem to have a player or two who is on the team but almost never plays.  This exists in most sports, but I feel like the last guy on the bench is treated differently in basketball.  At least by the spectators.  I have played on baseball teams with guys who couldn’t play a lick and no one was really too excited about getting them at-bats.  The crowd didn’t become electric in the bottom of the last inning, when were down a million and some scrub came up for an obligatory punch out.  I think some of the phenomenon might have to do with the 3-point shot.  I’m not going to say it’s easy to make a 3-pointer, but it’s not the hardest thing to do in basketball.  Anyone can hoist one up, and there are a lot of guys who are good shooters that aren’t great at any other part of the game.  That’s what I think about when I think of the walk-on.  PURE GUNNER.  A crowd will always appreciate that.  As far as it being the best job, I’m not so sure.  Certainly there are the positives you list, but I have a feeling most of these kids take a beating in practice every day.  Do the starters even acknowledge their presence?  Are they allowed to celebrate wins with the team?  I’d have to do more research into the life of a walk-on to answer this properly.  

Q:  Which group of people do you think are more insufferable, members of Augusta National or members of the All England Club?  Martha Birke, London, England.

A:  Sometimes I forget that Wimbledon is held at a private club and that club is not called, “Wimbledon.”  It’s the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.  Quite the mouthful.  I think on name alone, the All England has the upper hand.  Augusta National is just run of the mill pretentious.  It’s not called, The Golf Course for All of The Americas.  Though, that would be the name of my course if I ever built one.  So, score one point for the home of Wimbledon.  Second deciding factor?  History.  Wimbledon was founded in 1868, so it has a longer history than Augusta, but Augusta was founded by Bobby Jones, an all-time great and America’s preeminent gentleman golfer.  I think you’ve got to give a slight edge to Augusta here.  Let’s move on to clothing quirk.  The All England Club still insists on having the players wear white during Wimbledon.  The Masters hands out a green jacket to their members and the tournament winner.  Advantage Augusta again.  No one would be caught dead in that jacket if it didn’t have the Augusta logo, while you can go to Jim’s Racket Club and he’ll probably insist you wear white.  Not that fancy.  Are the British more insufferable than Americans in general?  Tough call, but I’m going to say YES.  The last thing I’m going to consider?  Jealousy.  While playing tennis at the All England Club is probably quite the thrill, the actual tennis is not going to be much different than you’d find on any grass court.  Where Augusta National is considered by any measure to be one of the ten best golf courses on the planet.  So, I think far more people are DYING to play there than the All England Club.  Being able to brush aside the longings of the common man is a big advantage for Augusta members and what I think gives them the ultimate edge.  

 

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Mailbag Activity.

Fourteen American.

Not my best week of blogging.  Not sure what happened.  Sometimes the blog windows are locked.  Not that I’ve ever skip a mailbag, but there wasn’t much to prop it up this week.  I can feel my inactivity in the dwindling page views.   They were never spectacular but the more I wrote, the more people read.  There was a relationship.  Or, exactly the opposite situation the Sixers are in with Andrew Bynum.  He doesn’t play and those checks keep going out the door.  Not a blip, just a plateau of wasted cash.  The worst thing about the whole scenario is that the Sixers must be contemplating giving Bynum even more money, just to try to chase their initial investment.  Being tall sure has its advantages, but I feel terrible for true Sixers fans who have been kicked around for much of the last decade.  As a peace offering to them, a mailbag…

Q:  At a fancy restaurant would you rather pay 45 dollars for a steak and 12 for a salad, or 50 for the steak and 7 for the salad?  I know those are the same total price, but don’t you think it’d be better to not feel like you were getting ripped off on everything?  Julio Cesar Salade, Brooklyn, NY.  

A:  I don’t know a single upscale restaurant that has good salads.  Some of them are OK, but they are never the caliber you expect.  I often get Caesar salads and you know you are getting pretty much the same thing at every restaurant.  Sometimes a fancy place will give you the full leaf of romaine.  WOW.  Or, a giant crouton.  Can we ban the jumbo crouton by the way?  IT MAKES NO SENSE.  Why must I divvy up my own toasted bread?  Anyway, unless someone fills me in with better intelligence, the best salad and bread combo you can get is at Outback.  If I went into Capital Grille and they gave me an Outback loaf–I’d be ecstatic.  But, your question is about the pricing.  I don’t think it really makes a difference.  When you walk into one of those places, you know you’re getting gouged.  It’s a decision you’ve made before you make the trip.  Would you go to Dunkin Donuts and ask to see the calorie totals?  You know you’re being gordo, why fret the details?  Same with the meal.  It’s going to be expensive.  If you want to save a few bucks, skip the salad all together, like I said–they’re usually underwhelming.  

Q:  Rory McIlroy withdrew from the Honda Classic with a toothache.  He was 8-0ver through eight holes and in the water on his ninth.  Where does this rank among the all-time weak excuses and how much damage does it do to the whole “golf as a sport” argument.  Whiz Domteeth, Ocean City, MD.

A:  You’re saying that NFL players fight through tooth pain?  Is molar discomfort covered by the Toradol shots?  I think this is something people would say is “typical” of a golfer, but they hardly need fresh ammunition.  Golf has wind delays, funny pants, and a Senior tour.  Rory’s toothache will be forgotten in a few weeks.  But, that doesn’t mean I won’t take the opportunity to take a few shots at Rors.  The World #1 has spent 2013 playing like an interloper from the mini-Tours.  A pair of 75s, a first round exit at the Match Play, and then 26 holes this week at 8-over par.  Three tournaments isn’t much of a slump, but when are in the conversation with Tiger Woods, you deserved to be dissected.  I’m not sure Tiger ever played this poorly over a stretch of three events in his prime.  Rory has long been praised for his maturity, for “getting it,” etc., and I’ve never seen that explicitly.  It felt like a concoction of the media who liked Rory because he was affable and gave a far better interview than the previous #1.  What I see as a golf fan is someone who struggles when things aren’t going his way.  Give him a lead and forget it, but when everything isn’t lined up perfectly, where’s the fortitude?  He couldn’t play 9 more holes at a venue where he’s defending champion?  That’s hard to believe.  He’s going to bail on his playing partners Ernie Els and Mark Wilson, let them wait that much longer on every shot on the back nine?  I don’t know what Rory’s deal is, but I don’t think it’s the equipment.  Unless Rory thinks it is, which could really be a problem.  Maybe he’s not cut out mentally to be the 250 million dollar man.

Q:  Is there a tipping point where you are no longer responsible for your friend’s drunkeness?  I don’t mean an alcoholic.  I mean, you are out with someone who just happens to have way too much to drink.  Can you ever just walk away and leave them to their own devices?  Constance Buzzed, Hollywood, FL.

A:  You can’t.  Not in an isolated incident.  If this is something you do every weekend then maybe you need to have a more serious talk, but if we’re talking about just some random night, the rules of friendship require you usher the drunken mess to their hangover landing spot.  There’s a big debate out there about whether you have more fun when you are drunk or when you are sober and I suppose that is up for discussion, but shepherding around someone who is drunk is definitely not fun.  It has MOMENTS, but on the whole, not a great time.  They embarrass themselves, maybe they fall, you take a few funny pictures, but in the end–it’s probably not enough compensation.  I think about the people who had to babysit me on my 21st birthday and THANK GOD they didn’t have a tipping point.  Who knows what would have happened.  I might have spent the night spooning a fire hydrant.  But, the only way to get out of something like this is to perform a hand-off.  Pass the drunken person off to someone else and then you can abandon them with a clean conscience.  This is actually a good test of friendship.  If you are being belligerent, the only people around are going to be your true friends.  The rest of the crowd doesn’t care if you live, die, or get arrested for public urination.  

Q:  Coach K. sh*t himself Thursday night after UVA students stormed the court and he felt that it was an unsafe situation for him and his players.  He demanded changes and in the aftermath I found out the SEC actually fines schools for rushing the court?  What?  How do they enforce that?  There’s no way the students care about the fine, right?  Cameron Crazie, Durham, NC.

A:  Coach K really is a piece of (fill in the noun of your choice).  From what I hear, Duke lost, the fans stormed the court, some students talked some trash and at that point Coach K turned into an expletive spewing monster.  In his explanation after the game he essentially said he didn’t trust himself not to attack a celebrating student.  He was afraid of the headline, “Coach K punches unsuspecting botany major in the throat.”  Then he said how HE’D be the story if he did that, instead of the hooligan that provoked him.  HOW DARE YOU?  I honestly never thought that much about safety of the players and coaches when people storm the court.  I was involved in one or two court storms in college and no one was harmed.  I think I lost a flip flop for a few minutes once, but other than that NO INJURIES.  Of course, this was maybe 200 people as opposed to a couple of thousand, so it’s not quite the same, but I think much of the danger lies in the stampede charge and not for the people on the court.  Surely, trying to contain the fans would produce even worse results.  The last thing you want is rent-a-cops and a temporary barricade.  This is what the SEC does, though–I guess.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  If I was a student I wouldn’t care about the fine AT ALL.  College students don’t have such concerns.  They just run around screaming, BILL MY PARENTS.  

Q:  I just saw a commercial for a celebrity diving competition.  Two questions, how is a current NFL player (Ndamukong Suh) allowed to participate in this, and after dancing, skating, diving, etc., what is left for celebrities to try?  

A:  It’s going to be hard to look away from celebrity diving.  I saw that Kareem is doing the show.  This just in–Kareem’s 7’2″.  Are you even allowed to dive if you are that tall?  How deep is the pool?  A MILE?  Kareem will shoot through the water like a missile.  Of course, one misstep and it’s going to look like someone threw a telephone pole off Niagara Falls.  I can’t believe an active NFL player is doing the show.  Especially one like Suh who is in the middle of a huge contract.  I could see T.O. doing the show, but Suh theoretically has a lot to lose.  Of course, it is the Lions, so they’ve got bigger concerns than Suh doing a diving show.  And since the contract isn’t guaranteed, the risk lies mostly with the player and not the team.  We’ve seen in recent years that people will watch celebrities do most anything, from dancing to boxing.  This diving show is really going to push the envelope.  From here the final frontier might be more winter sports.  Celebrity Luge?  Ski Jumping?  Celebrity Kung Fu?  I don’t know.  

Q:  Can you explain golf’s status as a gentleman’s game?  From what I gather at least half of the people who play golf regularly don’t play by the rules.  I mean, don’t even attempt to hide the fact that they cheat rampantly.  Foot Wedge, Tampa, FL.

A:  Well, I think at some point golf was literally a gentleman’s game and somehow that morphed into a figurative interpretation.  It’s not a game for rich white guys, it’s a game for rule followers and people of the highest character.  Hmmm.  I’m not so sure.  I don’t really consider playing golf by less strict rules cheating, as long as everyone is doing the same.  It’s like playing basketball on a 9-foot rim or something.  That said, people constantly cheat at golf.  I played a few sports growing up and golf was easily the one where people cheated the most.   It’s too easy.  That’s the issue.  It’s an individual sport, you have opportunities left and right.  Kids can’t be trusted to behave by the rules in this situation.  Balls will be moved, kicked, and dropped.  Penalties will be ignored, putts will be taken and I saw it all happen in my tournament playing days.  I remember a kid cheating when I about eight or nine years old and I remember kids cheating in college.  Once in college I hit an incorrect ball.  I was way off in the deep rough and I saw a ball with our school’s logo on it and played it.  When I got to the green I realized it wasn’t my ball.  Someone had either lost it earlier that day, or in a practice round the day before.  An unfortunate coincidence, but a black and white rules violation.  I didn’t call it on myself.  I contemplated it for a few holes, debated DQ’ing myself, but ultimately did nothing.  CHEATER.  Right here.  It’s almost human nature to try to get an edge and when you see golfers so in line with the rules at the highest level, I think a large part of that is because they are being watched like hawks.  Not that everyone is a cheater, but if it was easier to get away with you’d have your percentage who tried.  Just like guys doctoring a baseball, or corking a bat.  So, I think professional golf is one of the more transparent games, but not necessarily filled with an extraordinary amount of gentleman.  

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