Don't Forget the Rubber Sheets and the Gerbils.

 Just wanted to wish a Happy Holiday to everyone out there in blog land.  Hopefully all you greedy bastards get everything on your wish list.  Bootleg copies of Avatar, Jonas Brothers tickets, that kind of thing.  I know I have to stop at the grocery store, and pick up a sleeve of scratch tickets for everyone.  That Gus the Groundhog really has the right idea.  In summary, eat too much, drink too much, be too merry…push the holiday envelope.  

I would like to say thanks to everyone who makes a habit of coming by and reading, and a special shout-out to the commenters who sustain a lot of the life around here, and have kept things moving during my overly boring and self-indulgent rants.  Starting this, I didn’t have a ton of expectations, and it probably would have been easy to pack it in after a couple weeks, but the support was great.  And, it is nice to have a forum to kick things around with a couple of other clowns.  In a rare moment of sincerity, I hope everyone has a great holiday. 

And to quote Clark Griswold, “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Kiss my Ass, Kiss His Ass, Kiss Your Ass, Happy Hanukkah.”

Don't Call it A Comeback.

Because, it probably won’t be.  I’m feeling a little lost on the NFL Pick “em front.  In all honesty, I’d lost a real good feel a couple weeks ago, and was side-stepping landmines.  Now, I probably only made two awful picks last week, but that’s still two more than acceptable.  With the holiday cheer ready to pour in, I’m going to throw my picks for week 16 up today, and if the other guys show, they show.  Bottom line, we embarrassed ourselves last week, and need some redemption.  Stay fearless. 

GROSSY: 43-28-4 (Last Week, 0-4-1). 

Raiders (+3) @ Cleveland.  Huge letdown week for Cleveland.  Hahaha, but seriously, don’t lay points with the Browns.  And, what’s going to happen, Cribbs is going to take 2 more kicks back?  Remember that Quinn was still awful last week, and that was against the equally hapless Chiefs.  I don’t care who plays quarterback for the Raiders.  They all stink.  But, somewhere deep down in the places I don’t like to talk about, I think the Raiders are the better team.  Oakland 19-13.

Carolina (+7) @ New York.  Carolina looks relieved that Jake Delhomme is no longer at the helm.  They haven’t given up on the season, and seem to be relishing the role of spoiler.  The Giants won’t get the walk they got against the skins.  I think they win, but not big enough to cover.  Giants 23-20.

Jacksonville (+7.5) @ New England.  Little bit of a spite pick.  If you’re not going to bury a team, then I can’t trust you.  The Jags are playing for their season.  The Pats are winning, but look disinterested.  I’ve heard some people like this outright.  I’m not going to get crazy, but I think the Pats, like the Giants, win a tough one, Pats 27-23. 

Baltimore (+3) @ Pittsburgh.  Hi, I love road dogs.  I’m an idiot.  I don’t know.  I don’t see how Pittsburgh stops a Baltimore offense that has refound its stride.  Yes, that was against terrible teams, but the Steelers aren’t stopping anyone.  Green Bay marched up and down the field last Sunday, and I don’t see any reason why Ray Rice won’t be running wild.  The king is dead, long live the king.  Ravens 30-24. 

Denver (+7) @ Philly.  Might as well make it the full 5-spot right?  This way if I go 0-5, at least the Eagles will have won, and we can have some joy in Philadelphia.  This just screams of a game where the Eagles aren’t quite going to put it together.  Whether it be offensively, or if they can’t stop Brandon Marshall….things are going too well.  It’s almost like the irrational theory that a roulette wheel can’t hit black (x) number of times in a row…or not.  Regardless, Broncos 23-21.

Big Dub H:  30-39-1 (Last Week, 0-4-1)

I aint scared none
 
Tennessee (-3) vs. San Diego
How many Chargers are going to hear their wives bitch and moan about them having to play on Christmas day? That alone should cause enough of a headache. Toss in the fact that San Diego is traveling across the country and playing on a short week and you have the makings for a Titans win and cover.
Titans 27 – Chargers 16
 

Pittsburgh (-3) vs. Baltimore
The Steelers play to the level of their competition and the wave continues here. They lost to the Chiefs and Raiders and yet beat the Vikings and Packers? Big Ben plays well in the clutch  Pittsburgh 30 – Baltimore 23
 
NY Jets (+6) @ Indianapolis
How in the world are the Colts not laying a touchdown against this sack of sh&t team? Something is very shady and I am not taking the bait. The Jets…OUTRIGHT!!!  Jets 27 – Colts 26
 
Chicago (+7) vs. Minnesota
There will be picky-poos all over the place in this game with Favre hitting December form and Cutler doing his thing. I will gladly take the points with the home team on Monday night looking to mess up the Vikings at the end of the year.  Chicago 24 – Minnesota 21
 
Dallas (-6.5) @ Washington
I fear the Cowboys more than any team in the NFC right now. Maybe I am scared to lose to them because of how much that would hurt or maybe it is because they are playing well, especially Romo. The former Jessica Simpson sex slave is lighting it up even when the ‘Boys go down. Look for him to stay hot against a team that mailed it in.  Dallas 37 – Washington 17

KRAFT

All I wanted for Christmas this year was for Santa to leave me 5 winners, and lo and behold here they are under the tree. For clarification, I am not picking against myself this week. I refuse to doubt myself on a holiday.

OAKLAND (+3) over CLEVELAND. Oakland is playing frisky, and Cleveland shouldn’t be laying points to D-III Franklin and Marshall.

NEW ORLEANS (-14) over TB. Josh Freeman’s Jeri Curl is reminiscent of a young Eriq Lasalle in Coming to America. I don’t bet on teams whose QBs have the curl. Like Mike Singletary said, “Can’t win with ‘em. Can’t coach ‘em. Can’t do it…won’t do it.”

JAX (+7.5) over NE. Too many points. New England hasn’t been putting teams away. Plus, Tom Brady has two houses to visit on Christmas, and you never know, Bridget Moynahan could put some exlax in his hot chocolate.

MINNESOTA (-7) over CHICAGO. Is anyone playing worse right now than Jay “George” Cutler? Minnesota needs a win against this mess of a division rival. Chicago could have a worse record than Oaklans after this week…what happened to that Bears defense?

MIAMI (-3) over HOUSTON. Miami continues to stay in the playoff hunt, and Houston lays another egg on the road.

Always an Eagle.

 I don’t want to say that I forgot Brian Dawkins was coming back to Philadelphia.  I know he plays for the Broncos, and I know the Eagles are playing the Broncos this Sunday.  I guess, it’s just the anticipation for the game has died down a bit since the schedule came out.  At least in my mind.  I think the Eagles success in recent weeks has a lot to do with it.  The Eagles may have been better with Dawkins, but sitting at 10-4 it’s hard to be too disappointed with how things are going.  The defense is far from a juggernaut, but we’re not talking apocalypse either. 

Regardless of how the Eagles are faring, or how Dawkins is playing in Denver, this moment probably shouldn’t have happened.  The Eagles stuck to the letter of the law a little too closely when they let Dawkins walk away, and with only the likes of Sean Jones to replace him…well, Dawkins certainly would still be starting had he remained an Eagle.  Some guys are just associated with one team, have a special connection with the fan base, and Dawkins’ return this week reminds us of that.  He was quite possibly the most loved Philadelphia athlete of the last decade, and the constant face to a usually stout Eagles defense. 

I can’t think of a player who did more during the decade for the fans of Philadelphia.  Every defense should have a Dawkins, a guy that looks as if he’s about to snap at any moment.  The picture above captures the rabid intensity that Dawkins would achieve before kickoff.  I don’t see that on the Eagles sideline this season.  You need a guy to lead you on the field, but you also need a guy who sets the tone with his intensity.  Dawkins was that man.  Perhaps one of the problems with the Eagles defense this year is that they have lost their identity.  Well, it will be at the Linc on Sunday, wearing the opposing colors. 

I’ve heard many fans intend to go to the game decked out in Dawkins Bronco orange.  More of an acknowledgement to him, than a slight to the Eagles.  And, certainly a shot at management.  It takes it a bit far in my mind, but Dawkins certainly deserves the standing ovation he will undoubtedly receive.  We know for sure, that at least one Bronco will be up for this one.  Whether Dawkins’ emotion can lead to a victory like it did so many times in Philly, we’ll have to wait and find out. 

So, welcome back B-Dawk, you never should have left….but you’ll always be welcome.

Cutler Reacts to winning ANOTHER Derek Anderson.

I wonder when Jay Cutler is going to be put out of his misery.  Afterall, even the award’s namesake was shown some mercy and removed from the starting line-up.  Jay Cutler could use some of that kindness.  He’s been the biggest disappointment of 2009, and the fact that he’s done it to the Bears fan base just makes it that much more cruel.  Here’s a city that’s been waiting for a quarterback for 25 years, and Cutler arrives this summer to much fanfare.  Next thing you know, he’s thrown 22 picks, and is piling up Derek Anderson awards.  His masterpiece against the Ravens went like this:  10/27 for 93 yards and 3 interceptions.  That’s a QB rating of 7.9.  Number six ladies and gentlemen.  He dismantled a solid pack of candidates that, as usua,l included Brady Quinn.  At leat the Browns won, though.  The Bears are like Philadelphia Flyers of the NFL. 

I wonder what will become of Cutler after this season.  My headline is a joke, but not really.  Something wild could happen this off-season.  The Eagles could scrap Don, he’d go to Chicago…next thing you know Mike Shanahan has his reclamation project in Washington.  It seems Snyder-esque.  I have no idea what kind of deal Cutler has in Chicago, but if there’s any way they can get out of it, I’m sure they’ll be looking for yet another solution.  Maybe the Birds can trade them Mike Vick and Kevin Kolb.  Make it a package deal?   Regardless, Cutler’s career arc is starting to resemble something along the lines of a Jeff George.  Sweet arm strength, shame about the ten-cent head.  Whatever he does from this point on, though, he’ll always have this moment.  Congrats, Jay.  

NFL Pick ‘Em Recap. 

STANDINGS:  

GROSSY:  43-28-4 (This Week, 0-4-1).  There it is.  Sometime around the time Tennessee was blowing an 18 point lead, I knew things weren’t looking good.  Bad choices, and due to hit a bullet or two.  Not much to say, pathetic.  

BIG DUB H: 30-39-1 (This Week, 0-4-1).  Popular number.  Big Dub’s theory exploded in his face this week, but that’s the game.  He needs to finish 10-0 to close out the season above .500.  I say, highly likely. 

KRAFT: 24-50-1 (This Week, 1-3-1).  Well, monster week by our standards.  The worst week in 3PT History by a longshot.  At least it won’t be hard to pick the call of the week.  

The “You guys went 1 and what?” Pick of the Week:  Well, when there’s only one win (yikes), this isn’t much of a call.  The ironic this is, it was actually a really nice play.  I’m not going to try to pretend to know how Kraft is picking at this point, but the Panthers over the Vikings seemed mighty wise last night.  Hopping on that sinking Vikings ship gets him play of the week, even if it was counterintuitive.  Next week, I hope we at least have 2 games to choose from.  

The “Next Time Just Kick Yourself in the Junk and Avoid the Middle Man” Awful Call of the Week:  Take your pick really, but I want to give it to myself, because I’m really let down by my performance.  Yeah, Mike Tomlin on-side kicked with a lead, but that was just going to be another push, and the Titans and Pats couldn’t close out covers, but that’s no excuse.  That’s no excuse for picking the GD lifeless Texans.  I should know better.   If Brady Quinn is the guy you want to throw for 80 yards in a 40 point offensive explosion, than Matt Schaub is the guy you want to throw for 300 meaningless yards in a field goal fest.  Way to squeak it out against the Rams, Houston.  Thanks.  I suck. 

**Just of note…Look at the Giants being all feisty on Monday Night.  I think this Redskins team is officially on vacation until 2010, which is part of the reason I still think NY is out of the playoffs (Dallas plays Washington next week), but certainly the best Giants effort since October?  There’s a pulse there, I guess. 

And, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention that the career of Derek Anderson (yeah, the award guy), is now in the hands of Mike Holmgren.  Mustachioed Mike is now in control of the Browns football operations.  First task?  I don’t know, take Josh Cribbs and find 54 new guys?

Sssssssuck It Trebek.

Hello All.  Just some blog news before I share a special Monday morning Celebrity Jeopardy Anecdote.  Just to let everyone know, posts will be fairly sparse through the next week to ten days.  I’m sure everyone will be busy with the holiday season, and I’m going to take the opportunity to give myself a little break from the blog.  We’ve gone for about nine straight months, probably logged a couple hundred thousand words, and that’s not only a lot for me to write, but a lot for you to read.  Just a note to my NFL Pick ‘Em guys, those games will still be posted, but perhaps not quite as elaborately in the past, but the picks will go on, along with Derek Anderson Award.  Now, without further ado, a Celebrity Jeopardy Anecdote. 

I flipped on a few minutes of Celebrity Jeopardy the other night, and it reminded me of this story.  Celebrity Jeopardy gets to me a bit though, because it reminds me that if I was a celebrity I could probably win Celebrity Jeopardy.  Of course, then I’d get in trouble for being the first celebrity that tried to keep their winnings.  Regardless, watching Celebrity Jeopardy makes you feel smart, and who doesn’t like that?

This anecdote relates to Celebrity Jeopardy in a different way.  Back in college, I was assigned a presentation for Cost Accounting.  Now, I don’t remember the details.  It was a presentation on Cost Accounting.  You can make an argument that this is the dullest material taught in institutions of higher learning.  It’s tedious, there’s no flash, it doesn’t lend itself to dynamic visuals.  But, it was part of the class, so I sat around with my group, and we attempted to come up with something. 

Now, the members of my group were all intelligent people, but they lacked what I would call a real commitment to learning.  Cost Accounting didn’t interest them, neither did school in general.   I was the group’s most conscientious person, a scary thought in its own right.  The first time we met to discuss the thing, two other guys in my group were sitting around watching SNL clips of Celebrity Jeopardy.  Somehow, this morphed into us performing a Celebrity Jeopardy skit for our presentation. 

Does Celebrity Jeopardy really lend itself to Cost Accounting?  Not really, but there we were.  I played Trebek, and we had Bert Reynolds (aka Turd Ferguson), and I’m forgetting the other characters, I don’t think anyone wanted to attempt a Connery, Tom Cruise?  So, after maybe a three-minute lead-in, we just broke right into the Celebrity Jeopardy skit, and let it happen.  We had three Cost Accounting categories, and some Celebrity Jeopardy staples like Potent Potables, Colors That End in Urple, and Say Anything.   

The class didn’t know exactly how to react when we started, and eventually some of them got into it, but considering the school for nerds that I went to, it was also apparent some of the students were disappointed they weren’t learning.  Midway through the sketch, we ditched the accounting questions, and just stuck with the humor.  I was choosing a “do not make eye-contact with the professor” approach.  We plowed right through Final Jeopardy, did the Turd Ferguson bit, and the best thing I could say was that we didn’t get asked to stop. 

The class was still shaking their heads as they left the room, and dropped off their critiques.  Yes, I forgot to mention that part of grade was made up from a class assessment.  Now, any class made up of normal Americans would just give you an “A”, and expect the same in return.  Not at F&M.  We had to deal with people on their academic high horses.  The comments were split down the middle.  A lot of people thought it was funny, but a lot thought we “didn’t provide any information”.  We did provide information, it just wasn’t necessarily on Cost Accounting. 

So, when the big day came to receive our grade on the project, I didn’t have high hopes.  If we rocked a B- from the class, I wasn’t expecting anything glowing from our professor.  She was a tough cat to read.  Like I said, she didn’t stop us, or give us a verbal beat down after class, but she wasn’t exactly joining in the fun.  I took the first look at the grade, I was comfortable taking the bullet, but to my surprise, there was a nice juicy B+ sitting there to be admired. 

That leaves us with the moral of this anecdote.  There’s always a moral, and this one is: Sometimes Your Cost Accounting Professor has a sense of humor.  And, there it is.  Happy Holidays.

More Available Than the Chicks on Jersey Shore.

Well, on the week my NFL Picks hot streak burst into flames like a marshmallow in a campfire, I guess the only solace I can take is that it’s definitely a wide open league.  Now, there aren’t 15 teams out there that could win the Super Bowl, but there’s more than a handful.  Especially in the NFC, the race suddenly seems devoid of an obvious front-runner.  If you want the Saints to win the NFC right now, shoot me an email, maybe we can make a wager.  If Dallas can go in there and win, then so can other teams.  Throw in the fact they easily could have lost a few other games, they have no track record of playoff success, and all six NFC seeds will have a chance at making the big game. 

The Vikings should be ashamed of themselves.  Laying their second prime time egg in two weeks.  Is this a Brett Favre December collapse?  Maybe, but the Vikings can’t run the ball anymore.  If Adrian Peterson were a quarterback, he’d be in contention for the Derek Anderson.  He’s been pedestrian at best, which is making Brett Favre the same, and suddenly they’re getting walloped by Matt Moore and the Panthers.  Most of the fear has to have been removed from going to Minnesota, and Philly, Arizona, Green Bay, Dallas, NY, whichever team ends up playing Minnesota will have a great chance to beat them. 

The Eagles clinched a playoff berth with a sloppy-ish win over the Niners.  They left a lot of points out there, Don made two extremely bad throws, Andy Reid had one of his “moments”, but the Eagles were in control most of the way.  The offense has that puncher’s chance.  A big play seems to be never further away than some decent pass protection.  DeSean Jackson was running free again, and Don actually missed him on a bomb that would have been another 60 yard TD.  Their five consecutive wins make the Eagles the hottest team in the NFC (no other NFC has currently won even 2 in a row), and they’re not the favorites to win anything, but like I said, if you can score, you’ve got a chance. 

The AFC has two teams that look like legitimate favorites.  The Colts and the Chargers.  But, that’s this week.  We would have said the same about Minnesota and New Orleans a few weeks back.  I don’t want you to get the wrong impression here on New Orleans, that I am writing them off after one loss, but I just want to make the point that the team is very beatable.  And, so are the Colts, despite the fact that they’re 14-0.  The Colts play incredibly consistently, they play with confidence, they can out-score anyone, and so they are extremely dangerous.  That being said, they’ve walked the tight rope this season, and given up 30+ points a couple times, a good offense on the right day can beat this team. 

Aside from the Colts and Chargers, there isn’t a consistent team in the AFC, except for the Browns, who always do amazing things in their wins.  This week, Brady Quinn had to have the worst game ever by a quarterback whose team scored over 40 points.  It was remarkable.  James Harrison had 280-some on the ground, and Josh Cribbs returned two kicks 100+ yards for scores.  So, Cleveland has finally figured it out.  Eliminate the quarterback from the equation.   I would say hundreds of thousands of people could have played QB for the Browns today, and they would have won.  I guess that’s the great thing about playing the Chiefs.  Just another track meet between two terrible teams. 

My Brand Spanking New NFL Top Ten:  You Could Convince Me that any of these teams could raise the Trophy. 

1.  COLTS–How do they win?  No injuries to Manning, Wayne, Clark, and keep getting away with the most one-dimensional offense in the league. 

2. CHARGERS–Beat an inferior team at home, and then go out-score Indy.  It could happen, right?

3. SAINTS–The NFC’s best offense.  Which today means, the best team.  Win two home games=Super Bowl.

4. EAGLES–Five straight wins.  Can score 40 at a moment’s notice.  12-4 could get Birds a bye, otherwise, a tough road to the Super Bowl. 

5.  MINNESOTA–Easier road than Philly, but playing worse.  Where’s AP?  Defense showing signs of vulnerability.  That said a SB trip will likely only be 2 wins away. 

6.  DALLAS –Cringe.  Hate to say it, but that win in New Orleans could really help Dallas, who has looked tough for stretches this year.  The recent losses couldn’t even be pinned on Romo, who’s actually played decent. 

7.  GREEN BAY–Tough loss Sunday ended a hot-streak for GB.  Why are they ranked above teams like Cincy?  Well, Green Bay can pile up points.  A Super Bowl trip could rely on them finally figuring out Favre.

8.  NEW ENGLAND–Team in a malaise it looks like.  No real killer instinct since the Saints game.  But, the playoffs could light a spark.  If Indy’s the best team in the league, then NE had them beat…in Indy until the last minute.  Enough said.

9. ARIZONA–Not playing great, but a good offense, and is this team worse than the one that went to the SB last year?

10.  CINCY–Actually, I don’t think Cincy has a chance to go to the Super Bowl, and I don’t think Denver does either, so depending on how this AFC wild-card thing finishes, I might want to put another team in here, but considering Cincy’s closing schedule, they’re going to be in the post-season…something I can’t yet say for the Baltimores of the World. 

**We Had Some Bowl Games Over the Weekend Too–Check out the Standings In the Bowl Season Challenge..Slow Starts for the Fearless Handicappers**

Gladwell's Hair is an Outlier.

Ok, so I’m trying something new here.  Something new for here.  The idea is a complete and total rip-off of what they do at Kissing Suzy Kolber every week to Peter King’s column.  It’s usually hilarious, and the the comments are sometimes even funnier than the actual piece, but it’s one of my favorite things to read on the web each week, and so I’m stealing the idea for the 1st half of Bill Simmons’ effort today…it made me want to drive into a bridge abutment.  I had to do something.  So, the column (hacked to bits is in regular type, and then I comment in the bold…you can figure it out.  Let me know what you think, so I should know if I should ever be so bold again as to attempt such heresy.  Oh, it’s really long….

You know Malcolm Gladwell as the best-selling author of “The Tipping Point,” “Outliers” and “Blink.” You know him because “What The Dog Saw,” his latest best-seller, has been flying off bookshelves for the past two months. You know him from his award-winning New Yorker articles. You know him because we tried this gimmick two other times for ESPN.com: in 2006 and earlier this year.

Ok, so we know who Malcolm Gladwell is.  Now, who the f*ck are you?

 GLADWELL

Wait. How did I get roped into this again? Oh, right. Because both of us released books this fall and we thought we should engage in a little shameless self-promotion during the Christmas rush.

SIMMONS

Yeah, this could end badly.   (Well, it certainly started badly)I also worry about the third act of anything. For instance, when Hollywood follows a sequel with the dreaded “III,” the concession is usually, “We knew this was going to suck, but we couldn’t resist cashing in on this franchise one last time.”  (So, just so everyone’s clear:  this column is going to suck)I hope that’s not us (it is). But you got me thinking(about how dynamite Jimmy Kimmel is in the sack) … third movies (re-sequels?) can veer in one of four directions:

(I’m the Sports Guy!  I make Lists! Moving On…..)

GLADWELL

The ultimate re-sequel? Jenna Bush running for president in 2040 (Personally, I think it’s going to be when Joe Gibbs comes back to coach the Redskins in 2040, but hey, I didn’t write Tipping Point). I’m not sure we’re at that level yet.

Shall I kick things off?  (What were the first 1,500 words then?)I know we’re only a few weeks into the NBA season (Another NBA fan?  Someone get me a noose and a wobbly chair), but I was curious if anything has happened so far that makes you want to rethink your Hall of Fame pyramid (you know, that thing in your book that you made up that no one cares about?). Do you have any regrets about “The Book of Basketball” (The Title?  The fact it’s about Basketball?)? I know I do. I botched the introduction to your book(Don’t worry, everyone just skips to the pictures). I was trying to suggest to the reader, as gently as I could, that you were a kind of Rain Man (Wait, Bill Simmons is retarded?  That explains a lot) when it came to pro basketball — someone whose extreme basketball knowledge might be considered, as the psychologists like to say when they are treading delicately, a “compensation strategy” — and I left out my two best examples!

First story: I go to a party in New York (They love me in NY) and run into a man who proceeded to tell me a long story about this affair he had when he was a teenager with an older man who, it turns out, happened to have been an NBA star at the time. If memory serves, I gave you the city where the affair took place. First guess: bull’s-eye! (No one knows their gay NBA stars like Simmons!)

SIMMONS

Great, you just started a 17-day frenzy on the Internet of people trying to figure out that player’s identity (no, you didn’t). Also, I think my editors just had a collective heart attack. Hold on, I have to revive them. I’ll be right back. (Take as long as you need)

GLADWELL

Second story: Maybe three years ago, I’m in Paris (They f’ing love me in Paris), walking through the lobby of one of those seriously swanky and stuffy Parisian hotels (You were in a Parisian Hotel in Paris?  Wait, Paris, France?) on my way to meet a friend (female escort), and I run across an NBA player deep in conversation with the concierge about what shows were up at the Louvre (Now, is that the Louvre in Paris?). I e-mailed you immediately. Remember?  I believe the exchange went something like this.

Me: “There is a 7-foot NBA player talking art in the lobby of the George V “
You: “Adonal Foyle is in Paris???”

Did you ever wonder how much better off humanity would be if you had put your brain to more productive uses? (Like being a mime)

SIMMONS

Come on, who else would it have been?  (Shaq?) It wasn’t going to be Chris Kaman. I also think I tried (unsuccessfully) to persuade you to do a feature on him. He grew up in the Grenadines (the place that make that red sh*t?), graduated summa cum laude from Colgate with a history degree, founded a nonprofit organization called Democracy Matters that tries to curb spending in political elections (that’s like starting a charity to try to curb the Yankees spending), and was more intelligent and well-rounded than anyone covering him (except for me). Putting Foyle in the NBA was almost a social experiment (Almost but not quite). Why hasn’t he written a book?(He’s not a fame whore?) Why hasn’t someone written a book about him?

GLADWELL

We have such incredibly narrow views of what sports celebrities are like. We just can’t imagine them as having the full range of human needs and interests. I mean, why shouldn’t Adonal Foyle be an art lover? (Because NBA players are thugs.  Hello, where have you been)

SIMMONS

It reminds me of the time those three guys came up to you in a restaurant in Chicago and told you that they were reading “The Tipping Point” in their book club and were big fans. (all three of his fans were at the same place at the same time?)

GLADWELL

How could I forget? (these guys never forget anything.  It’s Amazing!)

SIMMONS

Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson and Matt Barnes. (baron davis, Steve Jackson and who?)

GLADWELL

Greatest moment of my life. (Third greatest, after our first two mutual banana peeling sessions)

SIMMONS

You know who was on that Warriors team? (Tim Hardaway?) Adonal Foyle!  (Damn!)

GLADWELL

Years ago, I did a story on Tupac, and I tracked down some poems he wrote when he was in high school. They were all about flowers and sunsets and warm kisses. Before there was thug life, apparently, there was hug life. Who knew? (hate to break it to you guys, but Tupac was just trying to get Tu-laid)

SIMMONS

I can guarantee that “Hug Life” would not have sold 5 million records (Would he have released it before or after Biggie Shot him?). With all of that said, though, if you had told me that Chris Kaman was in Paris asking about shows at the Louvre, I would not have believed you and would’ve started glancing around to see if I was being videotaped for some pranking pilot (you’re not famous enough to be on a show like that.  Neither is Cousin Sal.  Or J-Bug).

GLADWELL

My friends and I used to play a game where we rated celebrity sightings according to the “sight-site” index. The celebrity was ranked on a 1-10 scale (Of bang-ability). Then the place where you saw the celebrity was ranked on a 1-10 scale, according to its unlikeliness, and the two numbers were multiplied to rank the sighting (Sweet Friends); 100, of course, is a perfect score(Oh, 10 times 10 is 100, thanks). No one’s ever gotten that. Chris Kaman talking art in the lobby of the George V would have been close.

SIMMONS

My most unlikely celebrity sighting ever (let me guess, yourself in the mirror?): During the horrible Super Bowl week in Jacksonville, I was attending the Maxim party in 50-degree weather that had barely any celebrities (except me and Corolla) attending because, again, they decided to hold the Super Bowl in Jacksonville (That’s Jacksonville, France). At some point during the night, I was next in line to use one of the port-a-johns (Wait, you were at a Super Bowl party or the infield at the Preakness?), which were stacked behind the party in some seedy, dark field. So I’m standing there thinking, “This sucks,” and the port-a-john door opens. Who comes out? Katie Holmes (Or some random brunette chick). Taller and much more beautiful than I expected (definitely not Katie Holmes then). We locked eyes, and she made that cute/crooked Katie Holmes “Some weird dude is staring at me incredulously” smile that she used to flash all the time before Tom Cruise got ahold of her. Then she walked by me (called the police) and headed back to the party. And I headed into the disgusting port-a-john..

GLADWELL

I’ve actually shelved the sight-site index. John Hollinger’s celebrity rating system is way better (Who?).

GLADWELL

How much would I fall in your estimation if I admitted I’ve never seen “Boogie Nights”? (Well, Malcolm, once you’ve googled the screenshots of Marky Mark’s prosthetic wang, seeing the movie is a little superfluous)Go on …

SIMMONS

I can’t say that I’m surprised . You’re the same person who fell in love with the NBA as a kid by reading Sports Illustrated issues in your local Canadian library(what does that have to do with Boogie Nights?  Did I miss a paragraph?). The other obvious change (Let’s get back to talking about me…):

GLADWELL

I think you’re right (No, I love you more). As a general rule, I think we should always give special consideration to longevity(It’s not the size of the boat…), and weight a good season late in someone’s career more than a very good season early in his career. To me, Olympic swimmer Dara Torres is far and away the greatest athlete of our generation (Stop It.  You just have an ab fetish.). She’s been a world-class athlete for 25 years, in a sport where women often peak in their late teens(are we still talking about swimming?). She set an American record in the 50 free when she was 40 (Or, was it the 40, when she was 50?). And the finest athletic performance of the past decade has to have been Tom Watson’s win at the British Open this year at age 59, with an artificial hip no less — and I say “win” because even though he finished second in a playoff, I think we can all agree that the difference between his play and Stewart Cink’s play that weekend was effectively zero (Obviously not a golfer…Um, yeah, except for the playoff where Cink made a bunch of pars and Watson went 5-23-7-11). When you revisit the Hall of Fame pyramid, I’d love to see you factor in age-weighted performance: Surely the ability to compensate for the inevitable effects of getting older is a hugely important part of the definition of a great athlete.

(let’s jump way ahead)

GLADWELL

What we’re talking about is what are called capitalization rates, which refers to how efficiently any group makes use of its talent. So, for example, sub-Saharan Africa is radically undercapitalized when it comes to, say, physics: There are a large number of people who live there who have the ability to be physicists but never get the chance to develop that talent ( I Think this is my problem as well). Canada, by contrast, is highly capitalized when it comes to hockey players(and Mounties): If you can play hockey in Canada, trust me, we will find you. One of my favorite psychologists, James Flynn (the guy the T-Wolves drafted?), has looked at capitalization rates in the U.S. for various occupations: For example, what percentage of American men who are intellectually capable of holding the top tier of managerial/professional jobs actually end up getting a job like that (100%?). The number is surprisingly low, like 60 percent or so (Damn!). That suggests we have a lot of room for improvement (Much like this column).

.

SIMMONS

I like the capitalization concept ( I don’t get it.  At all). The best NBA example: From 1990 to 1996, the league’s lack of a rookie salary cap combined with skyrocketing salaries led to absolute chaos (Not actual chaos….blah, blah, blah, more NBA) … that’s a lost generation, to some degree.

GLADWELL

In that generation, the people with extraordinarily long careers were true outliers (Have you read my book, its called…wait for it…Outliers): They were physical freaks(Like the Yak Woman?). Roger Craig has run a half-dozen or so marathons since retiring from the San Francisco 49ers. Can you believe that?  (Yes.  Didn’t even “Blink”) I’ve been a long-distance runner my whole life. I weigh 100 pounds less than Craig (You weigh how much?  120 lbs?), and I did not spend my formative years getting beaten up on a football field — and I would never race at that distance (So, by distance runner you mean???). It’s too punishing. But I’m not Roger Craig (No sh*t) — who somehow emerged from 10 years of getting pounded on every play in the NFL feeling so spry that he decided to take up marathoning. What’s happening now is that medicine is allowing the rest of us to catch up with the outliers. The impact of scientific progress on human performance is greatest not at the top but in the middle: It helps the guy who would have played five years play 10 years. It doesn’t help the Nolan Ryans or Roger Craigs all that much. They don’t need any help.

SIMMONS

This topic can even extend to Hollywood (Did you know I live there?). Sandra Bullock(my female celebrity besty) is still carrying chick flicks and heartwarming Disney-esque movies at age 45, with no signs of slowing down (Couple signs). She’s like the Nolan Ryan of chick flicks. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t had any major work done (HAHAHAHA). And even though you’d never put her peak against Meg Ryan’s peak, at this point, you’d have to give Bullock the career edge, the same way I gave Malone the slightest of edges over Barkley in my book (we’re comparing power forwards to actresses, but wait…it’ll get more effeminate). But comparing her historically to other leading actresses from earlier generations, it becomes unfair. For instance, look at Goldie Hawn’s best movies from 1974 to 1980 (Actually, Let’s not…:

***CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO***

(That’s right.  That was only about half of half of the nonsense.  And, yes, Bill Simmons makes me bitter)

Why? Cause Vinny Hasn't Thrown 5 Picks in the Fiesta Bowl Yet.

The NFL Season is winding down.  Sad.  You have to balance the rush of the coming playoffs with the knowledge that there’s only a few more full weeks left on the schedule.  Of course this means that there’s limited time left in the NFL Pick ‘Em Season as well.  We’ll have to ask the boys if they want to pick the playoffs, but in the meantime, 3 weeks to make that final impression.  Big Dub tries to get over .500, Kraft (fill in something inspirational here), and I just keep being awesome.  Ok, let’s do this…

KRAFT:  23-47 (Last Week, 1-4)

So, I make the move to pick against myself, and I go 1-4.  Well, 13 weeks isn’t a coincidence.  So, I am not going to abandon my theory because of 1 unsuccessful week (which could have been successful if I just went with my gut).  Without further ado, my picks will again be the opposite of what my initial gut reaction chose…
 
Buffalo +7 over NE
NE needs to win to stay in front in the division.  Buffalo starts a stiff named Ryan Fitzpatrick.  In my world 1+1=3, so I’ll take Buffalo.
 
Arizona -12 over Detroit
Zona was impressive last week, turning the ball over 4 times in the 1st half & they also missed an XP. Detroit was equally as impressive, providing little resistance to Baltimore in a 48-3 pasting.  My inital reaction was that this was too many points, which means ‘Zona will blow them out of the building. 
 
Pittsburgh -2 over GB
I like the Packers in this spot.  They are playing good football right now and the Steelers have lost 5 straight. 
 
Carolina +9 over Minnesota
John Fox should say thanks to the Carolina fans by playing Jake Delhomme in this game.  Hell, why not retire his number @ halftime?  
 
 Washington +3 over NY Giants
Giants are still alive in the playoff hunt.  Washington doesn’t have the passing game to take advantage of the Gmen’s awful secondary.  I like NY in this game, so I’ll take the ‘Skins

BIG DUB H: 30-35 (Last Week, 2-3.  This Week, 0-1)

The new theory worked well last week as it landed me two wins. I on the other sucked and produced three losers. Thank sweet Jesus there are four games that fit into my Super Power Play System. Bang, bang, bang, bang.
 
Buffalo (+7) vs. New England
How many people had this game in week one of their suicide pool and squeaked out a win? This game fits the system and it gives me a chance to catch a touchdown against a team that is 1-5 on the road. Cha-ching. Tom Brady, the Derek Anderson award is comin your way.  Buffalo 26 – New England 17
 
Denver (-14) vs. Oakland
If the Broncos were Tiger Woods then the Raiders would be one of their naughty girls that they have sexy time with. The Broncos had their way with the dirty girl at her place. Now Denver has home field advantage and things could get really kinky. The game fits the System.  Denver 48 – Oakland 14
 
Washington (+3) vs. New York Giants
I had the Redskins back in week one and they brought me to coverville. I will go for a second tour as they covered on the road and catch points once again.  Washington 24 – New York Giants 17
 
Tennessee (-4) vs. Miami
The Dolphins played on the road in what can be considered a playoff game against Jacksonville last week. They must take to the road once again and play another game that is essentially a playoff game. Two road games in a row is too difficult for the ‘Fins.  Titans 30 – Miami 10

GROSSY:  43-24-3 (Last Week, 4-1).

Well, I’m still waiting for the inevitable fall.  Ok, that was me being humble.  I actually kind of think I can keep this up.  The NFL has been strange this year as always, but I don’t think impossible to figure out.  I’ve paid more attention than ever, and honestly I think in the last 5-6 weeks it’s really paid off.  That’s a long time to be lucky.  Even for a genius. 

Tennessee (-3.5) vs. Miami.  Now, you’re saying…Gross, you’re all over the place.  You pick Tennessee, you pick against Tennessee.  Well yeah, I do.  And, I’m usually right.  Do I want to bet against Chad Henne’s eye-popping and man-crush inducing arm strength?  No.  But, Miami has….wait for it…no chance here.  They ain’t that good, the Titans are trying to propel themselves into the playoffs and Chris Johnson to 2 grand on the ground.  Tennessee 27-13. 

New England (-7) @ Buffalo.  For me, this comes down to one thing.  Are the Patriots going to fold up and die like a bunch of bitches?  Is Randy Moss really going to act like a toddler for the rest of the year?  I’m just leaning toward, no.  Buffalo is dreadful.  The Pats don’t have to score 40 cover this (see last week, ugly 10 point win).  We know Welker will be running wild, the rest takes care of itself.  Pats 24-9. 

Pittsburgh (-2) vs. Green Bay.  Grossy, what are you going to do?  Make a living by picking teams in disarray?  Well, I’m going to try.  This line doesn’t make any sense to me.  Green Bay is the better team.  So, I guess we’re looking at some type of national Steelers bias here?  Well, I usually don’t stick to bad theories two weeks in a row, but here, I’m going to go with it.  The Packers aren’t going to cruise to 12-4.  It cannot happen!  Steelers 24-20. 

Houston (-12.5) vs. St. Louis.  The Texans handle bad teams.  They’ve already basically tanked their season, so this is where they start building momentum to get to 8-8, 9-7, whatever.  Andre Johnson is a force of nature.  I have no idea who the Rams are going to play at QB.  What was that mutt’s name from last week?  Ryan Leaf Jr…It doesn’t matter.  Texans 38-17. 

Denver (-14) vs. Oakland.  I say Charlie, you say Frye.  Charlie! Frye! Charlie! Frye!  Can we get government intervention on some of these teams.  I’m tired of it.  It makes draft day sad, because the Raiders or the Browns take the podium, and you think in that moment before the name gets called…they’re about to ruin some kid’s career.  This sets up like a lay-up for the Broncos in front of the home faithful.  Broncos 30-10.

Peyton Ordering a #2 At Chick-Fil-A.

Well, I guess those fantasy owners didn’t have anything to worry about.  Peyton went all “Manning” (not Eli) on the Jaguars Thursday night, and kept the Colts dream of a perfect season alive.  Everyone just assumes this is their dream.  I don’t know that anyone has bothered to ask.  Well the Jags came with an offense that was a little more charged than usual, but they had to settle for a field goal on one of their scoring drives, and that ended up being the difference.  Two things come to my mind when looking at this one…

First, is the best one-dimensional offense of all-time?  You know, Joe Addai is going to run for 800-some yards (ick), they’re pass to run ratio in yards is nearly 4:1.  They have the third worst rushing offense in the league.  If you look at the league’s other offensive juggernaut, the Saints, they are 3rd in pass offense, and 5th in rushing offense.  They average 50 more yards a game on the ground than the Colts do.  So, if the Colts can’t really run the ball, or just flat-out refuse to do, then why can’t they be stopped? 

This is why Peyton gets all the MVP talk, because the Colts are doing it with 3 guys.  Peyton, Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark.  There’s no one else that plays a skill position for this team that isn’t a dime-a-dozen.  Put a decent quarterback on this Colts team, and what is their record?  Someone like David Garrard, or Matt Ryan…are they a .500 team?  I don’t know.  It’s not like they’re shutting teams out every week either.  They need to score to win. 

That brings me to my other observation or point,which is, is this the most offensive era ever in the NFL?  Or, I guess with so many terrible teams out there, I should say have the good teams in the league ever been so offensively oriented?   Who’s playing good defense out there?  Really, who is shutting down the good teams?  The Jets are the best statistical defense league giving up 16.2 points a game, but it isn’t about the stats.  Is there a defense out there that you’d take to shut down the Colts, or the Saints, or a team like that?

And, it’s all throwing the ball.  The notion of running and stopping the run is dying.  It’s about passing and stopping the pass.  Or just passing, and surviving.  See the Eagles win last weekend for an example of that.  It provides for some wild games, but every once in a while someone get a stop.  Damn. 

Leave you with the Mathematical formula…

Chick-Fil-A > Pey-Pey in Primetime > Big Dub H’s Theory.   

(by the way I won Chick-Fil-A on this game, hence the thousands of references)

Hedging Bets? Playing it Safe?

I’m sure everyone is probably tired of this trade, and this is usually the spot where we look at some of the upcoming NFL match-ups, but I have to say the Cliff Lee thing is still intriguing to me.  The NFL games?  Eh, there are games with wild-card implications, but nothing will be figured out on Sunday.  There’s no must-see match-up.  So, I’m going to offer the final parting shot on this flurry of Philly moves that depending on who you talk to, may have just taken the team in a giant circle. 

I’ve wavered back and forth on this one, and the element that is of concern and up for debate is whether or not the Phillies should have kept Cliff Lee.  The word coming out of the organization is mixed.  Ruben says it was a baseball decision (can’t have an empty minor-league cupboard).  Dave Montgomery went on the radio yesterday and talked about how the Phillies operate in the red (Ok, Dave).  Take your accounting magic tricks somewhere else.  But, it just seems odd that there isn’t a completely united front on this. 

You can make both arguments.  The Phillies can set their payroll at whatever they want it to be.  If they don’t want to go higher, whether it’s 90 or 140 million, they don’t have to.  If they’re afraid of having only one legitimate prospect above High-A ball, then I guess you could make the prospect claim too.  Prospects have other functions than just someday being Major Leaguers.  It just seems odd that depending on who you listen to, you get a different response.  Which leads to my take on what went down. 

The Phillies are afraid to take the leap.  Keeping Cliff Lee here means one thing, and one thing only:  World Champions or Bust.  You have those two pitchers, coming off back-to-back World Series appearances, and a playoff appearance is no longer acceptable.  You’d have to go the whole way.  Essentially, they’d become the Yankees (National League version).  Then, if somehow they didn’t win the World Series with both aces (highly likely by the way, which they know), the team has to keep putting the pedal down.  They have to keep chasing it.  That’s what they were afraid of.  They don’t want to be that team who keeps looking the situation in the eye, and throwing money at it, caution be damned. 

That’s what the Yankees do for the most part.  They have the budget to make mistakes, and the Phillies don’t have that, but they don’t want any part of even the notion of doing business that way.  They don’t want the expectations that come with  it.  World Series or bust?   That’s an easy way to lose your job.  The Phillies have this warm thing going, where the city is in love with them, and they win, and it’s all a miracle because the team was awful for 93 out of the previous 100 years.  They got the series win, and now they want to ride the wave….Eagles style. 

Don’t get me wrong, the championship remains the goal, but the Phillies don’t want it to become the expectation.  That’s the key difference.  Does a Phillies team without Cliff Lee have a chance to win the World Series?  Yes.  Can they ship off Lee, get some prospects, and mumble about money, while indirectly keeping expectations in check as well?  Yes. 

And, there it is.