The Spam folder has kind of ruined everything, hasn’t it? I remember back in the day, I’d get 50 emails a day. Now, 49 of them were junk, but that was still 50 moments of hope that someone actually wanted to contact me. Now, it just gets shuffled into the spam folder. I thought it might be fun to take a look at what we’re missing every once in a while. A real message:
(starts off kind of familiar, don’t you think?)
Honestly I am glad that you honour my mail, how are you today? (I’m ok. Like 7/10 maybe. Thanks for asking.) My name is Anita Kipkalya Kone (you shot who in the what now?),from Kenya 24 years old and a daughter of the former Kenyan road minister late Mr Kipkalya Kones who died on Tuesday 10th June 2008 along the Cessna 210 plane crash which was heading to Kericho in a remote area called Kajonga in western Kenya. (all these details from Google make is sound so true).
Although this mail might comes to you as a surprise because we haven’t met (feels like we’ve known each other for years, though) but please consider it as a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humanity, I believe you will look into my condition and listen to my cry and consider me to be like your own sister or close friend (I actually already have a sister. Friends, maybe we can talk). After the funeral of my dad,my stepmother and my uncle with their african mentality (you know the problem with Africa? African mentality) conspired and sold off my father’s properties worth milions of dollar to an italian expertrate and shared the money among themselves living almost nothing for me.
One faithful morning (this happened at church I guess?) as i tried to open my father’s briefcase,i found an important documents with which he had deposited some money in my name as the next of kin at the African development bank, Burkina Faso (Burkina Faso is an actual place, no sh*t).. I travelled down to Burkina Faso to withdraw some of the money but the Bank Director whom I me told me that only on the account that i am married (You’re losing me Anita) or i should present to the bank an honest and worthy trustee who will assist me in reclaiming the fund and transfer it into his account for an investment as i finish up my education. (hopefully you are studying English along with computer fraud) In my search for a reliable person i have found you a man i can count on(must have been a long search). I believe that you will not betray my trust on you but rather take me as your own sister or close friend because right now i am suffering terrible here in Burkina faso in the refugee camp as i have no body to rescue me from this strange situation in a foreign land. (Africa is pretty much Africa, no?)_
I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and i was convinced that you will be the true one to rescue me from this trouble,I have the money confirmed in the bank $7.2 million (we’re talking Jamie Moyer money) in their records as unclaimed in my father account and i have the death certificate and the deposit certificate of the fund stating as proof of my geneuity. I shall compensate you with 30% of the whole money in as much as you could help me make the transfer of this money into your account successfully. I wait upon your positive response showing your interest and ability to carry out this transaction. Thanks and God bless you as i look forward to seeing your reply.
(sounds good Anita. Let me just locate my Social Security Card, and we can get underway. Imagine my luck getting chosen by a Kenyan heiress who happens to be stuck in the only refugee camp in Burkina Faso that has an internet connection. Things are looking up.)