As the Sixers embark on their latest coaching search, it makes you think what these coaches/managers think when they are taking these jobs. There aren’t many coaches out there that can afford to be too picky, but certain jobs are more appealing than others. Do coaches take some of these jobs thinking, “well at least I get a pay check for three years.” Honestly, will the next Sixers coach think they can turn this team around any time soon? And, don’t tell me there aren’t several other positions in the NBA that someone would prefer to coaching out beloved Sixers. It makes you realize how lucky the guys are that can call their shots, and got me thinking which team I’d like to be the head man of.
We’re setting aside certain blatant facts here, like that I have really no credentials to coach any team. This isn’t about my ability to game plan. We’re talking pure fantasy. So, with that…
First, I eliminate the NFL. Yeah, there’s only 16 games, but I’ve heard enough tales of sleeping at the stadium, getting up a 3 am and everything else. Three in the morning isn’t a time to get up. Also, there seems to be too much watching film. Watching football film seems to be about the most boring thing you could possibly do. Even if you like football. Last, but certainly not least, the Gatorade bath. I would be furious if someone dumped that crap on my head. Spraying beer and champagne all over each other is one thing, the Gatorade bath is just straight BS.
The NBA is obviously eliminated. Watch 82 basketball games a year? Are you serious? Although I think, even taking into account my current credentials, I could coach the Cavs. There can’t be much to that, right? Positives for the NBA? Well you can rock a real solid suit game on the sidelines, and as far as time commitment goes…from the outside it doesn’t look as daunting as the NFL. Other bonuses, I could challenge my players to 3-point contests and make them run suicides. None of this can overcome the fact that you have to feign interest in the NBA, though. It’s just not happening.
The NHL is extremely tempting. I can’t decide if we can ignore the fact that I can’t skate. Is that a deal breaker? Part of me thinks it would be endearing to see me out there coaching in metal golf spikes. Positives about the NHL are that you have a great view of 82 hockey games, and hockey games are amazing in person. You only get one timeout a game, so no need to worry about mis-managing the clock. Downsides? Well, all those trips to Calgary. Just kidding, love Canada, but I think the money wouldn’t be too great, especially since I’m a nobody. Also, the changing lines. Too much attention to detail. I can’t make a decision every 45 seconds.
So, that leaves us with baseball, and obviously I’d choose to manage the Phillies. The current Phillies, not the mid-eighties, trapped in the Vet, spend no money Phillies. The baseball season is long, and baseball coaches put in sneaky long hours, but there’s a couple huge positives. One, you get to wear the uniform, so you can latch onto that last gasp of your glory days. Secondly, you can kind of relax for a good portion of the game. Just sit there and eat some seeds, whatever, it’s all good. You get your winters off. You know what that means…vacation house, bitches! But lastly, and most importantly, you can throw BP if you want to. Who doesn’t want to go out there behind the L-screen everyday and whip some BP? Just give up bombs all day? That’d be awesome.
Who would you coach?