Which Team Would You Coach?

Lou Brown had to be talking into the Indians job.

As the Sixers embark on their latest coaching search, it makes you think what these coaches/managers think when they are taking these jobs.  There aren’t many coaches out there that can afford to be too picky, but certain jobs are more appealing than others.  Do coaches take some of these jobs thinking, “well at least I get a pay check for three years.”  Honestly, will the next Sixers coach think they can turn this team around any time soon?  And, don’t tell me there aren’t several other positions in the NBA that someone would prefer to coaching out beloved Sixers.  It makes you realize how lucky the guys are that can call their shots, and got me thinking which team I’d like to be the head man of.

We’re setting aside certain blatant facts here, like that I have really no credentials to coach any team.  This isn’t about my ability to game plan. We’re talking pure fantasy.  So, with that…

First, I eliminate the NFL.  Yeah, there’s only 16 games, but I’ve heard enough tales of sleeping at the stadium, getting up a 3 am and everything else.  Three in the morning isn’t a time to get up.  Also, there seems to be too much watching film.  Watching football film seems to be about the most boring thing you could possibly do.  Even if you like football.  Last, but certainly not least, the Gatorade bath.  I would be furious if someone dumped that crap on my head.  Spraying beer and champagne all over each other is one thing, the Gatorade bath is just straight BS.

The NBA is obviously eliminated.  Watch 82 basketball games a year?  Are you serious?  Although I think, even taking into account my current credentials, I could coach the Cavs.  There can’t be much to that, right?  Positives for the NBA?  Well you can rock a real solid suit game on the sidelines, and as far as time commitment goes…from the outside it doesn’t look as daunting as the NFL.  Other bonuses, I could challenge my players to 3-point contests and make them run suicides.  None of this can overcome the fact that you have to feign interest in the NBA, though.  It’s just not happening.

The NHL is extremely tempting.  I can’t decide if we can ignore the fact that I can’t skate.  Is that a deal breaker?  Part of me thinks it would be endearing to see me out there coaching in metal golf spikes.  Positives about the NHL are that you have a great view of 82 hockey games, and hockey games are amazing in person.  You only get one timeout a game, so no need to worry about mis-managing the clock.   Downsides?  Well, all those trips to Calgary.  Just kidding, love Canada, but I think the money wouldn’t be too great, especially since I’m a nobody.  Also, the changing lines.  Too much attention to detail.  I can’t make a decision every 45 seconds.

So, that leaves us with baseball, and obviously I’d choose to manage the Phillies.  The current Phillies, not the mid-eighties, trapped in the Vet, spend no money Phillies.  The baseball season is long, and baseball coaches put in sneaky long hours, but there’s a couple huge positives.  One, you get to wear the uniform, so you can latch onto that last gasp of your glory days.  Secondly, you can kind of relax for a good portion of the game.  Just sit there and eat some seeds, whatever, it’s all good.  You get your winters off.  You know what that means…vacation house, bitches!  But lastly, and most importantly, you can throw BP if you want to.  Who doesn’t want to go out there behind the L-screen everyday and whip some BP?  Just give up bombs all day?  That’d be awesome.

Who would you coach?


All Joking Aside…

Moyer Needs A Mirror.

I fear the takeaway points from Sunday Night’s thrashing of the Mets are going to be, “Moyer improves to 3-2.”  “How about that walk Moyer drew?”  And, “The offense is Back.”  It’d be hard to blame someone for having these reactions.  How glorious it was to stomp on the Mets for the last two games of the series.  All that Met momentum fizzled out pretty quickly didn’t it?  The Mike Pelfrey bandwagon and the Johan Santana Cy Young renaissance went up in 21 runs worth of flames.  It was an important series win for the Phillies, and it was important to get some of these guys hitting again.  Ride the streaks, and we could be on the verge of another good one.  As fun as the last couple games of the series were, there’s still a menacing hole facing this Phillies team and a big part of it was on the mound Sunday night.

Jamie Moyer just simply isn’t a Major League pitcher anymore.  When six innings and two runs against the Braves was a “gem.”  And when six innings and five runs against the Mets is “typical Jamie Moyer,” it’s time to start thinking about hanging it up.  I heard some of the TV and the radio broadcast on Sunday.  Both ESPN announcing teams seemed in pain watching Moyer pitch.  They delicately side step his blatant lack of stuff, and you can tell they are rooting for him on some levels, but you can also tell that it is a little painful for them to watch.  Moyer clearly hasn’t realized this himself.   He still believes he can contribute, and I imagine retiring is about the hardest thing to do in professional sports.   Moyer isn’t going to, but he should.  The fact is, he can’t contribute.  Not really.   This team is trying to win a World Championships.  Moyer, at this point, couldn’t be trusted with a post-season start.  What else is there to say?

I’ve had a grand time taking shots at Moyer for the entire history of this blog, and yet I don’t think I’ve been unnecessarily harsh.  I think he was greedy to want two-years after 2008, but that’s partly Ruben’s fault.   On the field since last year, his ERA is over 5.00, and if it wasn’t for miraculous levels of run support, he’d be well below .500.  A lot of Moyer’s wins are like tonight, starting pitcher irrelevant.  You’d think Moyer would want to contribute more than just being a body out there.  And, maybe you say, well who else are the Phillies going to go with?  Kendrick?  Figueroa?  Just as bad.  And, you’re right, but this is where Moyer becomes an even bigger problem.

The Phillies will not complete this season with this group of starting pitchers.  Kyle Kendrick looks like a lost cause, they have health issues with J.A. Happ and Joe Blanton.  Moyer is Moyer.  You talk about a group that is crying out for an upgrade….and I think the Phillies will do something, but what can they do?  They’re strapped for cash this year.   Pedro?  Do we want to go down that road again, or would we rather make a different move around trade deadline time?  What if a starter becomes available, but he’s owed 5 or 6 million over the last 3 months?  The Phils won’t be able to afford that.  The solutions right now, the cost-effective ones?  They aren’t likely to be too inspiring.

So, it’d be nice, you know if Moyer gets knocked around for another month, if he’d just hang ’em up.  Save himself some face, and save the Phillies about 5 million dollars.  We all know the second year of the deal was a stars aligning miracle anyway.  How about cutting out with some money left on the books?  Give the Phillies some wiggle room.  Like I said, it’s not going to happen, but it’s nice to fantasize about.