I was walking down my hallway the other day and I heard someone behind a door say, “Santa sent all the letters back this year.” Now, this was just a snippet of conversation. Perhaps the woman was joking, or perhaps she was dosing out a bit of recession reality to a confused toddler. I’m not sure, but the fact is, even if the chances are slim that Santa Claus is out there reading letters, you don’t know for sure unless you send one. So, just in case, if I was writing to the large fella this year, I’d ask for the following sporting gifts:
1. Please do not allow the Phillies starting rotation to have a nickname. R2C2 makes me sad. Any pun using the word “Phour,” makes me sorry I can read. I’m not sure why Phillies fans aren’t content with, “Holy bleep, we have 4 great starting pitchers.” They have to be named. Nicknames arise organically, like Cliff “Mother Lovin” Lee. I don’t know how many times this has to be pounded into our head. I thought once something was on Seinfeld, people understood phour-ever.
2. I’d like you to eradicate kickers from fantasy football. I wasn’t even burned by a kicker this year, but there is nothing in the fake sports universe that confuses me as much as having a fantasy kicker. It takes a game which is already governed to a certain extent by luck and throws in a total wild card. And, don’t tell me you can predict kicker production. We all know that’s complete bullcorn. Actual real life football players are annoyed by their kickers. Why do we have to suffer? Call Yahoo, ESPN, and anyone else, let’s make it happen. Apologies to David Akers.
3. I’d like Brett Favre to throw one final TD pass. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t personally care about Brett Favre and I think the way he keeps leaving games in a tangled mess of limbs after throwing yet another pick-6 is oddly appropriate. But I’m afraid unless Brett gets his own personal curtain call, the one he envisions, we will never be rid of him. Surely this is why he was playing last night. There was no other explanation other than Favre didn’t like that final taste in his mouth. Now, he’s gone out on a bad note again. Trouble. So, heal him up, and whoever Minnesota plays in week 17 let’s see Favre throw a TD and somehow avoid his last throw being a turnover.
4. I want football teams to cultivate their own TV announcers. Every team can be assigned two guys, I don’t really care who they are, but they should be homers. Football is the only sport where you can’t get a good homer broadcast on television. There is nothing, nothing more painful than watching a Flyers game on a national channel and not getting the biased whining about the officiating, the natural uptick in excitement when the Flyers are on the rush. It’s amazing what it adds to the games. Watching the Flyers play the Canadiens in the playoffs on Versus was a gosh dang nightmare. And, I’m growing tired of the whole Joe Buck/Troy Aikman, “Goooooo Dallas” routine. Maybe it’s in my head. I don’t care. Hometown announcers.
- Let the Lakers destroy the Heat on Christmas
- Keep the Vikings in Minnesota
- Kevin Kolb never takes another snap for the Eagles
- Tiger Woods wins by March 1st
- No Lockouts
- A watchable Super Bowl (Read: Anyone but the Jets)
- A left-handed reliever for the Phils not named Mike Zagurski
- A serviceable putting stroke for this guy