The NFL’s Final Eight.

 

Tecmo Style.

 

So, this isn’t going to be useful in any way if you are trying to break down the NFL games this weekend, but let’s be honest, if you want a preview you can find a million of them.  Let’s do something different.  What if these games were being played out in Tecmo Super Bowl?  Who would be the key players?  Who would win?  As far as I’m concerned, those are fascinating questions.  Let’s take a comforting trip back to the Tecmo Era.

Bears vs. Seahawks.

Bears

If only this were Tecmo Bowl.  Those Bears were loaded.  Walter Payton, Willie Gault, Richard Dent in his prime.  The Tecmo Super Bowl Bears are a sorry imitation.  Your new San Francisco 49ers head coach, Jim Harbaugh, will be at the helm.  It’s going to be stereotypical Bears football, ball control to Neal Anderson and Brad Muster.  On defense, it’s Richard Dent as a shell of himself and Mark Carrier/Don Woolford trolling for picks.

The Seahawks

The Tecmo Seahawks would be all the Bears could handle.  Right off the bat you have to give them a little edge at the quarterback position with that wily veteran, Dave Krieg.  Krieg has a myriad of weapons at his disposal, mostly coming out of the backfield.  John L. Williams, Derrick Fenner, and Chris Warren comprise the 3-headed monster and on the outside you have Brian Blades of the infamous Blades bros.  The real difference maker in this game, though, will hands down be Cortez Kennedy.  This guy cannot be blocked.

In Tecmo, I’d like the Seahawks.  Too much balance.  In real life, I am expecting a hideous game.  I’m going to say the key player will be the bald one, Matt Hasselbeck.  Unless Cluster-Cutler totally implodes (a 1 in 3 shot), it’s going to take more hair club magic for the Seahawks to move on.

Falcons vs. Packers.

Falcons

At first glance, the Tecmo Falcons don’t really look like an NFC #1 seed, but there is plenty of talent there.  Their game plan will probably come down to the very erratic Chris Miller.  He’s a little Nuke LaLoosh.  Million dollar arm, and a 10 cent head.  He’s got weapons.  Michael Haynes.  Bad Moon Rison, and Mike Rozier to name a few.  On defense, the Falcons can bring a lot of pressure.  Beware Jesse Tuggle, but the stars are in the secondary.  Deion Sanders will shut down half the field, and your favorite St. Louis Cardinal, Brian Jordan, roams the middle.

Packers

The Tecmo Packers could use Aaron Rodgers, because I don’t see how they can win this game.  Sterling Sharpe is out there, but who’s going to throw him the ball?  The answer of course, is the Magic Man, Don Majikowski.  The rest of the Packers roster is slim pickings in terms of star power.  On defense, they have the murderous Chuck Cecil in the secondary, but I feel like Haynes and Bad Moon will just run right by him.

As you can see, the Tecmo Packers have no shot.  Poof, they’re gone.  In real life, this is essentially the NFC Championship game.  I feel like everyone assumes the Packers are going to waltz into Atlanta and win.  It doesn’t make a ton of sense, but count me among the believers.  Green Bay (Rodgers/Matthews) has the difference makers.  If Michael Turner can’t run effectively, it’ll be time for Atlanta sports fans to start not caring about the Braves.

Steelers vs. Ravens.

Steelers

The Tecmo Steelers are a much less flashy team than their 2011 counterparts.  It starts at the quarterback position with Bubby Brister.  Brister is somewhere in that undefinable area of quarterbacks worse than Trent Dilfer.  Meaning, you can’t win a Super Bowl with Bubby Brister.  The running game, anchored by Merrill Hoge, also leaves a little bit to be desired.  What can I say?  Well, Hines Ward has nothing on Louis Lipps.  The Tecmo Steelers can still bring it on defense, though.  Great linebacking corps, Greg Lloyd, Hardy Nickerson and the last line of defense?  Rod “Pick6” Woodson.

Ravens

But, Grossy, the Ravens didn’t exist during Tecmo Bowl.  Yeah, they did.  They were called the Browns.  We’re talking about the tail end of the Browns glory days here.  On offense they have a King’s ransom of talent.  Kevin Mack and Eric Metcalf are almost unstoppable.  Outside, you have Webster Slaughter, and in an interesting twist current Ravens exec Ozzie Newsome is out there at tight end.  The Browns defense has some holes, but they do have Clay Matthews Sr. Defensive player of the year?  No, but a Matthews all the same.

I don’t think the Steelers have the firepower in Tecmo to keep up with the Tecmo Ravens nee Browns.  In real life, this is a very tough game to pick.  I do think, however, that the Ravens are getting a little too much credit for beating the Steelers without Big Ben, and for rolling a terrible Chiefs team.  If you want Joe Flacco in this spot, you can have him, but I’m not interested.

Patriots vs. Jets

Patriots

Oh, my.  The Tecmo Patriots are one of the worst teams in video game history.  The AFC East was the domain of the Bills and Dolphins in these years and the Pats were perennial doormats.  The problem starts at QB.  Steve Grogan, Marc Wilson, take your pick.  Terrible arm strength.  The only chance for any offense is dink and dunk to John Stephens and Marv Cook and maybe you catch Irving Fryar on a deep ball.  If the Pats can put up any points at all the defense isn’t all bad.  Andre Tippett can rush the passer and Maurice Hurst and Ronnie Lippett should be able to shut down Al Toon.

Jets

The Tecmo Jets are a team without much of an identity.  No windbag coach, no Revis Island, just a middle of the road type of club.  Ken O’Brien is probably an upgrade from the Sanchize, but I’m not sure he has the same post-season shamrock shoved up his hind end.  We all know Blair Thomas is a bust, and Freeman McNeil can’t do it alone.  The Jets best weapon could actually be, Pat “automatic” Leahy.  When the Jets defense is on the field it’ll be a test of who’s worse, them or the Pats anemic offense.

This Tecmo game would certainly be the stink bomb of the week.  Something would probably force me to take the Pats at old Foxboro, though.  Even in 1991, I don’t want to pick the Jets.  In real life, this game has become a war of words, and that’s great for New York, because they can’t win it on the field.  I’m trying to talk myself into some scenario where the Jets give the Pats a better game than 45-3, but New England is pushing a double-digit favorite for a reason.

 


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15 thoughts on “The NFL’s Final Eight.

  1. hahaha…now I understand why my brother would always say, “q-ie, you sure you wanna go with the Pats,” and i’d be like, “of course.”

    see that’s loyalty on two levels:
    1, love before my Bradyboo
    2, i was happy if my brother was happy (crushing me)

    Q

  2. I hate the Jets, but I’m rooting for them this weekend strictly b/c Cromartie called out Brady for being the D he is. Good to see an athlete finally be open and honest, and basically point out that Mr. All American Fuzzy Feelings gets a wildly free pass for taunting and junk talking every game.

    Talk about synergies: This season Devin Hester broke the record for punt returns for TDs in a career. Who held the record previously? Eric Metcalf.

  3. Thanks for the Metcalf video and making me feel uncomfortable.

    Why can’t the Jets win?

    The year the Pats went unbeaten they were big favorites in the playoffs and won by 11 against Jacksonville and 9 against San Diego minus LT.

    So why can’t the Jets keep it within 8 and have a shot to tie the game on their final possession? I’m not sold on the Pats defense even a little bit and I honestly think Sanchez can have a decent day while LT runs all over the place.

  4. well, 2 things.

    first, what the pats did against the jags and chargers 3 years ago or whenever….that was has absolutely nothing to do with this game.

    and, much like last week with the Saints where I happened to be wrong, but I’m not going to let that change my mind…

    I’ve decided to avoid including the “well, of course the jets have some chance, this is the NFL, anything can happen” line

    I hate that crap.

    I think the Jets are going to get destroyed. So, I’m saying it. I don’t feel the need to hedge. I may be wrong, once again, but so be it.

  5. This is the post I have been waiting for.

    First, I have to correct you on Walter Payton. He was in Tecmo Bowl but not Tecmo Super Bowl. The Bears had Neil Anderson and Brad Muster in TSB. Anderson was one of those guys who was pretty good when you played with him, but stepped it up to a whole different level when the computer controlled him. With Muster blocking, he was tough.

    I’d have to go with the Bears, Falcons, Steelers, and Jets.

    Like I said, the Bears running game is pretty solid. Mark Carrier is probably the 2nd best safety in the game, and the rest of the secondary is also very good. Dent and Singletary can bring the pressure. The Seahawks are just very very average.

    The Falcons run the singleback set with Rozier, who is pretty good. Another one of those guys who became a star when the computer was in control. Rison was sick, top 5 WR in the game. Michael Haynes was solid. On D, Sanders wasn’t really a star yet, but he was still good. Jordan was also alright, and Tuggle pretty good. The Packers had Sterling who was very good, and the Majik man was decent. Nothing great comes to mind on D. Their default plays were ridiculous, so if they don’t change those up, they have no chance.

    The Steelers win easily over the Browns. Bubby Brister had a cannon. Not accurate at all on the run, but decent when his feet were set. Lipps was pretty good too. Their running game was not good. One wildcard though is Dwight Stone returning kicks. One of the best kept secrets in the game (the others being Sam Graddy on the Raiders, and Jim Jenson on the Dolphins). I didn’t play with the Steelers often, but I returned a lot of kicks back with Stone. He was the best kick returner in the game. Rod Woodson was the best corner in the game, Carnell Lake was very good. Also Greg Lloyd at LB. The Browns had Bernie “QB Browns” Kosar, and a decent running game, but their defense was basically garbage. No chance.

    This last game is pretty ugly. Both teams were bad, but I don’t think the Patriots would even score. Toon is catching at least one deep ball, and Dennis Byrd and Erik McMillian are holding down the Jets D. Tippet and Lippet are solid players for the Pats D, but Grogan is just too terrible for them to have a shot.

    • You were in such a hurry to get to your analysis that you misread what I said about the Bears Rbs, but…

      That’s a lot of good insight. I admit I almost exclusively played with the Eagles and Pats, so I probably don’t have the most comprehensive knowledge. It probably skews my Pats pick as well, because I coached them up so nicely.

      I think you might be selling the Browns a bit short, but I really can’t argue.

  6. Anything can happen, the only teams that “can’t win” are the ones who are already at home golfing. I’m with Gross on this though, that with the way the Pats have been rolling people, it seems highly likely that they pound the Jets. At least Seattle had “The 12th Man” (i just threw up in my mouth a little) to lean on. Jets are going into hostile territory and were dismantled the last time these two met. Can the Jets win? Of course there’s a chance they could pull it off-a plethora of things could occur. It’s just not the most likely scenario. Also, at this stage of the season you can win by 11/9 (both two scores, so not entirely “close” either) and never have the game be in doubt. I don’t recall the games specifically, but the Pats could’ve been up and just milking the clock or whatever.

    To Gross’ point, that’s the case in all the games so instead of straddling the line and hedging bets, he’s just hopping into one camp firmly.

  7. I hear what everyone is saying, but the Pats have no been the most dominant home team in the playoffs in terms of lighting teams up on a consistent basis.

    In the Jags game they were up by 8 in the fourth quarter, added a field goal and then milked it.

    Against San Diego they only led by 2 going into the fourth quarter, scored a TD and then cruised.

    I’m just not sold on the Pats scoring when they need to if the game is close going into the 4th quarter.

    In all of the home playoff games with Brady as QB the Pats have won by 3, 3, 10, 17(Colts), 25 (Jags), 21 (Jets). Now those last three games are impressive. But I just don’t see them blowing out the Jets at all. In fact, I would shocked if it were a blowout.

    The remaining home playoff games were wins by 11 and 9 from above and a loss by 19 to Baltimore.

    The Pats have too many holes on defense and are dying to get them exposed. I know Sanchez may not be the guy you want to expose them, but the Pats pass defense can be had by anyone (see Matt Flynn)

  8. What team wins every playoff by 20 points? I know that is kind of your point, but Brady’s 8-1 at home with 6 wins by 9 or more? Is that what those stats say? Because that makes me pretty comfortable…

    Regardless, the only thing that matters is you think this Pats defense isn’t good enough. All these past games are pointless to look at…

    I also don’t think the Pats D is great, but they’ve played much better aside from the Packers game (letdown from no Rodgers?).

    The last time they played it was 45-3.

    That was an extreme case, but still, 45-3.

    You have to think NE’s going to approach if not surpass 30 points…

  9. mike n’ mike was funny this morning, in the least…while i don’t mind looking at Sanchez…i have to sing with Elton:

    Sssssssancchhhheeeezzzz and the Jets, doot doot doooda…

    are gonna get crushed.

    Q

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