Alternate Final Fours: Uses of Cheese.


How come no one reminded me about my Alternate Final Four meme?  That was a golden idea.  Now the dang tournament is almost over.  Oh well, it’s likely that none of them were going to be as good as the first one, but I might as well try one more time.  Back in the day I wrote a fake resume for this piece of writing I was doing.  It was pretty classic. Anyway, under the “Interests” section, I listed: Uses of Cheese.  I think this is going to be a hard one to break down, but if it was easy, everyone would do it.

The Final Four:

  1. Cheesecake
  2. Deli Cheese
  3. Melted Cheese Main Campus
  4. Melted Cheese Snacks and Apps.


Cheesecake was the number one seed in the dessert and specialty foods region.  Cheesecake is an interesting story. They’ve been around forever.  It’s a respected academic institution, but they needed someone to come in and revive the program.  A coach, a recruiter, whatever you want to call it.  Enter The Cheesecake Factory.  Since this guy burst onto the scene, Cheesecake has been a perennial contender in the Cheese Final Four.  It took the vision of a non-apologetic American chain to maximize the effectiveness of Cheesecake.  Cheesecake is a born closer.  You don’t want to be in a tight game with Cheesecake.  It finishes strong.  The only problem is, sometimes there isn’t enough time or “room” for Cheesecake to work its magic.  Real Life Comparisons: UConn, Dallas Mavericks

Deli Cheese:

Deli Cheese emerged as the #3 seed in the “Just Cheese” bracket.  It burst past string cheese, Philly Cream Cheese, and others to make a nice run to the Final Four.  Starting with its demolition of Kraft Singles in the first round Deli Cheese has looked like a team to beat all season.  The variety of their game is really the strength of Deli Cheese.  Inside, outside, they can win bland and they win with a little kick.  They can slice you, hunk you, shred you, whatever you have in mind. When they run the pick and roll with the cracker, it is something to behold.  The only problem with Deli Cheese is endurance.  It’s a long tournament and sometimes Deli Cheese just doesn’t quite have the shelf life to take them all the way.  Real Life Comparison:  Bob Knight’s Indiana

Melted Cheese Main Campus:

Melted Cheese “MC” was the #1 seed out of the “Lunch and Dinner” Region.  If this were basketball, Melted Cheese MC would be John Wooden’s UCLA team mixed with whoever John Calipari happens to be coaching in a particular year. When you are at Melted Cheese MC you don’t even have to bother recruiting.  It’s more of a struggle to keep the players around for more than one year.   Would it be nice to have grilled cheese around for his Senior season?  You bet your ass it would, but the kid’s got offers.  Same goes for pizza.  Cheeseburger was drafted by 4 separate professional leagues, he’s the Dave Winfield of Cheese.  Juggernaut probably doesn’t do this team justice.  The only trouble is trying to get all these superstars to work together.  Real Life Comparisons: 2011 Miami Heat/Showtime Lakers.

Melted Cheese Snacks and Apps:

Melted Cheese Snacks and Apps, also known as MC S&A, is a little like a country club that formed when people couldn’t get into the old money club down the street.  There is all this beautiful talent to draw from, but only five spots on the floor at the same time.  You have a kid like Mozzerella Stick come along and what are you supposed to do with him? Make him watch Lasagna for 3 years until he finally gets a chance to play?  The only reasonable thing to do was to create a satellite campus, and thus, Melted Cheese S&A was born.  They didn’t come out of a marquee conference and as a result only got a #4 seed in the Empty Calories region, but this team was built for tournament play.  Complete with an us against them attitude this team is dangerous, very dangerous.  Real Life Comparisons:  Sebonack Golf Club, BYU Hawaii.

The Semis:

Cheesecake falls victim to Deli Cheese.

Kind of an old-school vs. new school thing happening here.  Cheesecake has plenty of talent, chocolate cheesecake is a double-double machine and virtually unstoppable on the low-post, but Deli Cheese knows that one player can’t beat a team working as a unit.  The hero of the game was Pepper Jack, who filled the stat sheet up with a triple-double and combined with Creamy Havarti to run an exhausting full court press that eventually melted Cheesecake’s attack.  It’s back to the drawing board for Cheesecake who maybe needs to turn their shoulder on Cheesecake Factory and get back to their roots.

Melted Cheese S&A SHOCKS Melted Cheese M.C.

It isn’t the year of the upset in basketball alone.  This was a classic case of the student surpassing the teacher.  I don’t want to say overconfidence or arrogance played a part, but I think it did.  I’ll tell you what made all the difference in the world though, and that was Quesadilla.  A controversial recruit from day one, no one really knew where Quesadilla was going to end up.  Main Campus?  Snacks & Apps?  They both went so hard after this kid, but in the end he chose S&A.  I don’t blame him.  Why waste an opportunity to be part of a sampler plate?  Make your own history.  Main Campus let Snacks & Apps hang around, and in the end, Quesadilla buried the shots that made the difference.


Deli Cheese Restores Order, Thwarts Melted Cheese S&A.

I think most people thought once S&A beat Melted Cheese Main Campus that they were on their way.  I guess what they failed to realize was that game was their Super Bowl.  Where else do you go from there?  A letdown was inevitable, and when you letdown, Deli Cheese is laying there in wait with their sniper rifle, ready to make you pay.  Deli Cheese had S&A out of rhythm all day.  And, for all the pomp and circumstance surrounding Melted Cheese, the Deli boys eventually won the crowd over as well.  I mean, who doesn’t love going to the fridge and just peeling off a slice or hacking off a nice chunk of cheese?  No assembly required.  Worthy champions.

Quiz of the Day:  History by Numbers.  Category: Read a Book Once in a While.  My Score: 35/55

I bombed this one, but you know, it happens.  Some of the categories threw me a bit.


6 thoughts on “Alternate Final Fours: Uses of Cheese.

  1. I managed a 37*, with the star being one spell check on one of the Russian leaders. I had no idea what the hell the whole “six flags of texas” thing was about. You come to me talking about six flags, I am thinking, waterslides.

  2. Yeah, I had no idea on that one either. Is that related to the theme park? Did they start in Texas? Serious question.

    • According to wikipedia . . . yes. Six Flags Over Texas was the first six flags theme park, and the company was founded there.

  3. 31, Eff Canada and my misspelling of Khrushchev.

    Shocked that Pizza didn’t dominate this Final Four. Wildly easy to accessorize, insanely versatile and really just a joy to partake in.

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