The Easter Basket and the Mystery of Easter Grass.

What the Cuss is Easter Grass?

So, the Easter basket.  I guess it was like the poor man’s plastic Halloween pumpkin at one time?  When you were running around the meadow you needed something to put all your eggs in, and despite the cautionary moral, a single basket was the best option?  Who knows if Easter would still have legs if someone didn’t come up with the idea of replacing the actual eggs with, oh I don’t know, anything but eggs.  I did some plastic easter egg hunts back in my day, and then maybe one or two with actual eggs.  The thing with those was, you got done, handed off your basket of eggs to someone and said, “Ok, where’s the chocolate?”   That’s not what I said, because at four years old, I hadn’t learned to speak so concisely, but that is certainly what I meant.

I feel badly for the Easter basket.  It’s so easily overlooked, and I feel like it suffers from a lack of identity.  I’m asking this honestly, what the hell is going on with this thing?  Forget the fact that the whole egg/bunny thing makes Easter confusing as all get out to begin with, but why do people try to turn their Easter baskets into this make believe ecosystem?  What I’m saying is, what’s the deal with the grass?

So, you’ve got the fake grass (or some type of real grass–I’ve seen it), and then maybe you prop a chocolate bunny on top, mix some chocolate eggs in there, maybe a peep or two, a stuffed animal, maybe a feeble little chick?  What is lesson, there?  Kid, I want you to tear through this idyllic animal community like a sugar crazed predator?  Oh, look, an adorable chocolate bunny, it’s hopping around on some plastic grass…now, bite its damn head off.

This would be like serving a cheeseburger in some type of elaborate corral set-up.  You’d erect some  barb-wire fencing around your plate, have some french fries for straw, and then an all beef patty shaped like a little smiling  baby cow. Would that be appetizing?  I guess the real truth is that you can make chocolate in any shape you want, and people will eat it without hesitation.  Oh, what is that, a chocolate urinal?  Give me the thing, I’m starving!

I want to get back to the fake easter grass for a second.  This is without a doubt the most frustrating part of Easter for a kid.  It’s filler.  It’s like when you open up a giant bag of chips and realize it’s 80% air.  Your mom got you this ornate, giant basket, filled it with this mysterious, stringy bio-hazard material and then propped a single chocolate bunny on top of it all.  And this stuff is like quick sand for jelly beans or any actual product you might want.  I remember sifting through the grass with a fine tooth comb looking for stranded jelly beans or chocolate eggs.  Then there was that day, like a week after Easter when you got so desperate that you picked all the grass up and shook it out, looking for that last needle in the haystack.  Inevitably the only thing to pop out would be a licorice jelly bean or something.  At that point you just play Taps, or maybe check out your brother or sister’s basket.

Our cats were strangely attracted to the fake Easter grass.  There was no positive end game there.  I guess it looks more like real grass than we give it credit for, or we’ve vastly overrated the intelligence of cats.  I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want a cat lurking around my candy.  Every once in a while you wake up and see the cat wandering around with a piece of that grass sticking out of its hind quarters.  Inappropriate.

If we must create this simulated outdoor environ, why does it have to be grass?  How about a nice mulch of jelly beans? How about filling the bottom of the basket with about 2,500 M&Ms?  Ok, it’s not grass per se, but I talked to the chocolate bunny, and he’s cool hanging out on M&M gravel instead of the green plastic straw.


7 thoughts on “The Easter Basket and the Mystery of Easter Grass.

  1. hilarious and adorable…but what’s that one paragraph about fearing a car hanging out with your candy? i think you just q’d…

    happy easter and passover, y’all!


  2. the m&m gravel is a great idea.

    so i don’t really get the point of this robot throwing out the first pitch at the phillies game. what is supposed to be impressive about that? the thing didn’t even get it there and apparently it only hits 40mph. hasn’t a baseball throwing machine been done already, like at batting cages around the world? seems like a step back to me.

  3. From what I understand, the robot has the ability to throw up to 90-100 mph. The Phils mandated it only throw 40–for whatever reason.

    I guess the difference from those old, swinging arm pitching machine would be that it’s mobile. It rolls around on a segway, I guess. Other than that, it doesn’t seem like a huge deal.

      • i imagined, for instance, that it’d resemble human form and go through the full pitching motion…i felt like the career days of baseball aces could be numbered…so i was disappointed.


  4. Something tells me that your sister’s cats would hang out with an Easter basket sans grass.

    I also am in favor of the M&M gravel as a suitable replacement for colored Easter grass. If one truly wants to be fancy, they can personalize the delicious gravel with a picture of their adoring cat(s).

  5. My sister’s cats cannot be trusted around easter baskets or anything else.

    I’ve often thought they need their own indestructable habitat.

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