I’m sure everyone has heard by now that the Rapture is coming this Saturday to be followed by the official end of the World on October 21st? Does that conflict with the World Series? Anyway, according to Harold Camping (above) some 200 million people will no longer be walking the planet this weekend. It’s Rapture Part II (playing into the summer blockbuster theme), he unsuccessfully called the date in 1994, but apparently this year was his back-up all along. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be one of the 200 million who turn to pixie dust, so I was thinking who do I definitely want around with me? If this thing goes down, who can I least afford to lose to Rapture? A list…
1. Chase Utley. That would just be cruel, wouldn’t it? We’ve waited all this time, watched the Phillies struggle on offense, and Chase finally is looking well. Saturday he’s in the cage before perhaps a final rehab start and suddenly…he’s gone. Now does his salary come off the books if he’s raptured? Because, I think you have to then really go after Michael Young, assuming he’s still around.
2. John Velazquez. You are saying, who? This is Animal Kingdom’s jockey. Animal Kingdom won the Kentucky Derby, and if the world is going to end, I wouldn’t mind seeing a Triple Crown winner in my lifetime. You figure if it is going to happen at this point, it’s going to be a sleeper, not a horse that has been over-hyped. How much would it suck if Animal Kingdom was DQ’d because Velazquez was raptured in the stretch?
3. Vancouver Penalty Box Girl (Deadspin Story/Not Work Safe). The people of Canada need a Stanley Cup. It’s just a fact, and the Canucks might be their best shot in a long time. Last night, they throttled the Sharks to go up 2-0 in the Western Conference Finals. During the game, an exuberant lass flashed San Jose’s Ben Eager while he was in the penalty box. This is why people like Canadians. On the Eastern seaboard you’d be pelted with beer bottles, spit, who knows what else. Up in British Columbia? It’s Girls Gone Wild. Keep her around for the Finals.
4. Matthew Weiner. The creator of Mad Men. Mad Men has already been shelved until 2012. Are they serious? There has to be enough syndication money to go around, but AMC is being a little greedy and Jon Hamm is stretched a bit thin. I know that in theory, it won’t really matter, because October is it, but just in case, I’d like Weiner to be around to hammer home the next season…whenever the hell it’s ready.
5. Turkey Hill Driver #457TH32-Niner. Better known as the guy who is responsible for delivering delicious ice cream to my area. Any committed blog reader will know that I swore off chocolate and dessert in general almost three weeks ago, promising to hold out until Memorial Day weekend. Well, I’m still going strong, but in about 8-10 days you’re going to wanna “Get Out The Way,” if you see me in the ice cream aisle of any local supermarket. The T-Hill better be there.
6. Billy Payne. He’s the Chairman of Augusta National. Now, I certainly wouldn’t want anything to happen to the Masters, but I have this feeling that Payne is eventually going to come to his senses and offer me some type of honorary membership to Augusta National. Now, originally I predicted that he would get in touch with me on August 12th, 2003, but that didn’t happen. So, I went back to the texts and came up with May 22nd, 2011. You talk about bad luck…
7. Derek Anderson. I’ll be honest. I’m worried more about DA’s career than I am about the lockout. Is this guy going to have a team in 2011? And, more importantly is he inexplicably going to find his way back onto the field once again? DA is one of the cornerstones of this website. We need him around, even if he isn’t playing, we need the threat of Derek Anderson. Don’t take away our secret weapon. October 11th, 2009. We will never forget.
8. Tony & Joe. These guys make great pizza and ridiculous cheesesteak strombolis in Conshy. The circumstances of my life right now dictate that I am in Conshy for several key sporting events a year. To compliment those events you need a full Tony and Joe’s buffet. For some reason these two evil dough geniuses have not franchised their delicious goods. One location only. Two men with all that pizza knowledge. That’s playing with fire, right? I think if the world is crumbling around us, we’re going to need a good pie.
9. Dennis Farina. The Host of Unsolved Mysteries. It’s a shame that Robert Stack is no longer with us, because he’d probably really be the man for the job, but I figure if 200 million up and disappear on Saturday…well, that’s pretty f-ing mysterious.
10. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model, Kate Upton. I have this funny feeling she’s going to cure cancer, or something.