Definitive Entenmann’s Hierarchy.

The Pride of Bimbo Bakeries.

To the surprise of no one I decided not to push my no chocolate/no sweets streak past Memorial Day.  Mission accomplished, and let’s get back to reality.  For example, on Sunday, I had some funnel cake.  Funnel cake, after some research is not one of the superfruits.  After the funnel cake I’m sure you’d expect that I crushed some ice cream, maybe a bag of Oreo cookies, but when confronted with the option to break my streak in any manner of my choosing at the grocery store, I decided waiting until dessert was not an option.  I wanted something gordo, and I wanted it before noon.  Where else to go but to that beacon known as the free-standing Entenmann’s display?

There I was confronted with a very difficult choice.  What should I get?  Normally, I’d go Raspberry Danish Twist, but under the circumstances, I didn’t trust myself.  The danish has no portions. I’d cut off pieces of that thing all day until it was gone.  Instead, to ease myself back in, to extend the joy a bit longer I got a box of Super Cinnamons.  I have enough willpower to play along with the giant servings offered inside that box.  It was a strategic play, but one that made me want to look into the full Entenmann’s line and create a top-10 list.

I’ll accept comments on this, but I won’t accept any corrections.  I will be happy to tell you why you are wrong.  The two glaring omissions for most people will probably be cheese danish and chocolate donuts.  Cheese danish isn’t good.  Bad use of cheese.  Very bad.  And, the chocolate donuts violate a little known rule of icing that states you cannot get good results icing a “white” or “vanilla” cake product with chocolate icing.  If you want to check out the Entenmann’s line, including the unfortunate cereal bars, check out their website.

10.  Individual Cinnamon Danish.  One weakness of the Entenmann’s line is their individual danishes have actually gotten worse over time.  It must be a matter of scale, because you say cinnamon and you say danish and it should be idiot proof. This is a decent product when you really need that portable jolt of cinnamon goodness, but it’s hardly a go-to.

9.  Glazed Honey Bun.  The honey bun is totally old school.  It’s like the graham cracker of breakfast foods.  I have no idea if that is a good analogy, but it did kind of make me want some cinnamon graham crackers.  When you’re perusing the Entenmann’s singles, sometimes it is best to trade flash for a simple honey bun.

8.  Glazed Pop Ems.  These are donut holes.  Here’s the thing with glaze:  it doesn’t really translate to shelf-life that well.  At least at Entenmann’s I wouldn’t say their glaze is their strong suit.  If you need a donut hole, though, and can accept no substitutes, these work pretty well.

7.  All Butter French Crumb Cake.  You see all-butter in the title of something and you have to respect that kind of branding.  This product is a little under radar, and you don’t see it everywhere Entenmann’s is sold.  It’s a very solid crumb cake, but it’s not the best crumb cake, so it’s number 7.

6.  Softee Powdered Donut Bag.  These are mini-donuts and not donut holes.  There’s a difference.  I imagine there are two camps here, and I’d be hard pressed to pick between the donut hole and mini-donut.  In Entenmann’s case, however, they do powdered sugar a lot better than they do glaze or pop ’ems.  They come 20 to a bag.  Not sure if that is the suggested serving size.

5.  Original Crumb Cake.  You’re probably wondering, where is the Ultimate Crumb Cake?  Well, they overdid it with that one.  Too much crumb.  Sounds impossible, but I’m serious.  This ghetto version is the perfect blend.  Delicious crumbs and just the right amount of cake as well.  Criminally underrated.

4.  Ultimate Super Cinnamons.  I’m not sure what these are called exactly, but you know what I’m talking about.  Cinnamon buns are an odd thing, because there is a huge difference between a homemade cinnamon bun and a store-bought one.  It’s a little like frozen pizza.  They are barely the same food, but they are still both good in their own way.  The Super Cinnamon does a decent job of impersonating a gourmet or homemade bun.  The downside is they are terribly pricey.

3.  Crumb Donuts.  Whoever thought to put those little donut crumbs on top of the donut is an absolute genius.  They’re fun and delicious.  It seems like these days the crumb topping is more uniform.  This is unfortunate, because it decreases fights over who got the donut loaded with “crumbs.”  Added bonus is eating the last donut and getting all the rogue crumbs that fell off the others.

2.  Soft-Baked Chocolate Chip Cookies.  I’m not going to distinguish between Milk Chocolate and the Originals.  The milk chocolate tends to be a little more moist, but is approaches a sickening level of sweetness.  The original usually is a bit more cake like cookie and offers that traditional flavor.  These are, without question, the best dessert to get at 2 am after you’ve been drinking.  The late-night hoagie/box of Entenmann’s cookies run built Wawa.  Believe that.

1.  Raspberry Danish Twist.  Such an elegant name for a great product.  First of all, it has raspberry in the title, so right off the bat you know it is healthy.  But, more than that, it combines everything Entenmann’s is great at.  It has the icing.  It has that crumb like topping, which tastes like chunks of sugar butter, it’s got great texture, and like I said it doesn’t portion itself.  When no one is looking you can just go ahead and hack off a slab.  I recommend keeping the knife in the box.



16 thoughts on “Definitive Entenmann’s Hierarchy.

  1. I’m with you on the crumb donuts, absolute stroke of genius. There should be a statue erected in that man’s honor.

    I have to disagree with your placement of the original crumb cake though, it’s still underrated at 4. From the crumb crust on the outside, which is amazing, to the moist cake it’s just an all around cacophony of extravagant tastiness. It’s sexual….and violent.

  2. Great list. My parents always have Entenmann’s when I visit them and it’s a shock when I open up the All butter crumb cake box and there’s no knife. Entenmann’s is the only (line of) products that I can think of where it’s expected that there will be a knife in the box when you open it.

  3. that’s a really good point.

    of course, the downside of that is that I’ve tossed Entenmann’s boxes, with knives still inside, right into the trash.

    I think this is the result of someone not wanting to fess up to finishing the thing. Also, though, a knife can work its way under the little tray in some cases. Disaster.

  4. It’s the premise of a Ween song, kind of a Jimmy Buffett parody. Stuck in my cabana, living on bananas and blow.

  5. oh, right.

    shocking i didn’t get that reference.

    (adds there’s a band called ween to my mental encyclopedia)

  6. My favorite Saturday morning ritual, back when I was pushing 3 hundos, was to sit with my coffee and my crumb cake with a stick of butter. Piece of cake, pat of butter, repeat. I would go through a whole cake in one sitting – and this was when I was sober. My third triglyceride test that came in over 500 was my trigger that it had to stop.

    Speaking of butter – I was introduced to the concept of butter on hot (straight out of the oven) brownies. Gordo.

  7. wow, that is large.

    butter makes everything better.

    it takes real panache, though, to put it something already fattening like a warm brownie.

    but, there’s plenty of horizons out there for butter.

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