We’re always searching for absolute truths, right? Isn’t it nice when there is a hard and fast rule that never fails? Maybe it is my gambler’s heart that seeks out such locks, but I think there is a market for a new set of golden rules. To lead things off, I’ve got to go with: Under absolutely no circumstances should you take a picture of your own junk. Nothing good can ever come of this.
Obviously, this was hammered into my mind once again by the plight of Representative Anthony Weiner, who has submarined his political career by admitting to having lewd online exchanges with a half-dozen women and accidentally posting a photo of his (clothed) junk on his Twitter account. That’s not what Twitter is for, sir. Apparently Weiner liked to use his political clout to lure female “fans” (lack of a better word) into sexy conversations, chats, and even phone calls. The relationships, according to the Congressman, never got physical, but Weiner is a married man, and to reiterate an important fact, happens to be a gosh darn member of Congress.
Now, I really don’t want to get into a long rant against politicians. I’m not really a political guy, but I know they are prone to their share of problems. I’ve seen The Wire. But, in this instance, the troubles facing our trusty Capitol Hill members are no different from you might face, because really, in this age of cell phone cameras and social media, who hasn’t sat around thinking, I wonder if I should take a picture of my junk?
I’m here to tell you that the answer to that question is always you should not take a picture of said junk. I don’t know how many celebrities, politicians, athletes, etc. have to be humiliated in such situations before people realize there are other ways to go about things such as low-brow Twitter wooing. I’m sure you are thinking there are exceptions. What abotu Greg Oden? What if you have a big movie coming out like Blake Lively, and you need a little publicity boost?
My answer to that? Do Playboy. The pictures will look hotter, you actually get paid, and we don’t have to go through the old hacked cell phone charade. And, to debunk a myth, whose career has been ruined by Playboy, again? Oh, that’s right, no one’s. You’re Blake Lively, not Meryl Streep there chica. Ok, but what about if you are in a very crucial, “show me yours and I’ll show you mine,” situation.
Well, first of all, I’d doubt the urgency of said situation. Clearly, this is what befalls people like Congressman Weiner. I’d guess the majority of these junk shots are taken when people aren’t thinking straight. They’re all hopped up on adrenaline and hormones. You can’t make good decisions in that state. You ever hear about people who freeze their credit cards in a block of ice? I guess this was pre-internet shopping, but you get the point. There should be a program that disables your webcam or cell phone camera the moment you visit Facebook or Twitter (there probably is something like this, I know nothing). No one thinks they are going to be the one that gets caught, but then while you are busy typing out B-grade smut on your blackberry keyboard, you accidentally tweet the whole world your junk. The only way to avoid that is to not take the picture in the first place.
If things are desperate, the internet is a virtual treasure’s trove of junk shots. Find one that speaks to you and pass it off as your own. Or maybe, if you think things are about to get to weird, it’s time to ask to see that junk for real. Like, in person. Wild concept.
Look, I’m not anti-junk pictures. They have their place, but my general thought is that it’s better off to have someone else taking them. Then, you are being paid for a business transaction. Or, there is someone else present to think this whole thing through. Just to be clear, mirrors do not count as having someone else around. And, let’s be honest, who ever took a real flattering picture of their own junk? Probably no one.
So, if you are thinking of running for office, thinking of cheating on your significant other, or thinking of being a creeper on the internet, my advice to you friend is to put the damn camera down and pull your shorts up. This is not going to end well.