I Had A Dream I Knew Tiger Woods.

Stevie Was Nowhere to be Seen.

I don’t usually remember my dreams.  Probably for the better.  I feel like most of them are strange.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream and think about how crazy it was for a second or two¹, but then by the time I get up in the morning it has vanished from my memory.  You’re probably thinking I need a dream journal.  Someone who thinks up such incredible things while they are awake probably has a real untapped resource in their dream scape.  I feel like things have occasionally come to me in dreams.  Epiphanies.  Nothing worthwhile like a lottery number, but I think one or two writing ideas have come to me while I was asleep.  Or, maybe I just dreamt that I thought of the ideas in a dream. Wrap your head around that one.  This was not a dream with any value, other than I find it mildly amusing.  Why would I dream about knowing Tiger?  And, more importantly, why was I such a d*ck about it?

It started out having nothing to do with Tiger.  I was a spectator at a PGA Tour event that doesn’t exist.  I wasn’t conscious of being at the Masters, or anything like that.  I was watching guys hit shots, Phil Mickelson was there, and it was all relatively normal.  It started to get a little odd when I made my way over to what was supposed to be the first tee.  You should have seen this hole.  It was a par-3.  So, right off the bat you know it’s a figment of my imagination, because what course on Tour starts with a par-3?  This is no ordinary hole, though.  It’s like the 17th at Sawgrass on steroids.  I wish I was an artist² and could relay a rendition of it, because it was something else.

It was all carry over water.  It wasn’t a pond or lake, though.  It was like this lake/ocean hybrid.  It was a mini-ocean.  That’s what I’m calling it.  I guess I should mention now that it was extremely windy, and this was causing some serious whitecaps out on the mini-ocean, and at one point a wave crashed down onto the putting surface and that sent the announcers into a frenzy.  I was standing right next to the first tee, but I could also hear the announcers.  Behind the green was a massive stand of bleachers, one-level stadium seating, creating this amphitheater effect.  I can’t imagine what the rest of the golf course looked like if this was the first hole.

So, up to the first tee saunters David Toms.  I am within earshot, and he is incredulous.  He can’t believe he has to play this hole.  The green looks like a ribbon of land with this wall of humanity rising up behind the putting surface.  Toms takes out a hybrid³ and asks where is he supposed to hit it?  The caddy looks at his yardage book, and then down at this ridiculous hole (did I say it was aggressively downhill yet?), and tells him to hit it into the grandstands behind the green.  That’s the only safe play, right?  So, D-Toms kind of curses a few times under his breath about the shot and then rips hybrid into the gallery.

Are you wondering where Tiger comes in, yet?  Well, this is it.  After D-Toms hit his shot I take one of those sudden in-dream trips and I am sitting on a couch watching the same tournament.  I either don’t remember the transition, or there wasn’t one.  I’m sitting there with a guy I don’t know and the announcers start talking about Tiger.  Oh, Tiger isn’t here.  He’s having all these problems, and no one knows when he’ll be back playing.  Pretty standard stuff, but the guy sitting next to me all of sudden throws out, “It’s his drinking.”

I can’t believe what I’ve heard.  “What?”

Guy:  “He’s got a drinking problem.  That’s what started everything.”

Now, this is odd, because of all the theories out there on Woods, I actually haven’t heard the drinking problem hypothesized by anyone.  Does vodka weaken your Achilles?  I get defensive, like the guy has just accused a dear friend of a moral deficiency.

Me:  “He doesn’t have a drinking problem.”

The guy isn’t really buying it, he rolls his eyes, or whatever.  Then comes the kicker.

Me:  “When I was down in Florida with him, I only saw him drink water and Red Bull.”

WHAT?  When you were down in Florida with him?  You see what I did there?  I didn’t explain that I knew Tiger Woods to this guy.  I just threw it into the conversation like everyone plays a quick nine with him now and then.  Talk about your name-dropping.  So pitiful.  Clearly, I wanted the guy to challenge me.  I wanted him to say, “You know Tiger Woods?” Because then I was going to come over the top with the big hammer about how we were boys, and yes I was in a position to know that he only drinks water and Red Bull.   Dreamland me is a douche.  A little troubling.  And, Tiger too.  Who drinks only water and Red Bull?  What the cuss?

1–The best dreams come after you are out drinking.  Everyone knows that.  But, you can’t be hitting the bottle every night. For a substitute, eat a big bowl of chocolate ice cream about 15 minutes before bed.  It’s like hopping on the Wonka boat.

2–I’m now taking applications to be the official illustrator of 3-Putt Territory.

3–Classic Toms move.

You’re welcome for the footnotes.




11 thoughts on “I Had A Dream I Knew Tiger Woods.

  1. couple things:

    1, yeah, good line…Or, maybe I just dreamt that I thought of the ideas in a dream.

    2, i’m impressed by the footnotes. very classy.

    3, pam jones might have a few comments for you – i’ll speak on her behalf, “if you drink high end vodka, the achilles won’t be bothered.” also, pam jones would be glad to be your artist. she just might never ever get around to it. she rolls on pam time…besides, her stuff might be a little abstract femme for this 3-Putt scene.

    4, this is my final comment…drum roll…
    your next book: “IF I HAD A DREAM…”
    (don’t you ever EVA deny I gave you my genius to borrow)


  2. you’re pretty cavalier offering up someone else’s thoughts and services there…

    if i had a dream sounds a little mitch albom for my taste.

    • I couldn’t really tell you much other than what his stats say. He’s done well on a very average team, so you’d think you put better people around him and he could step up even more. I think he had 6 or 7 shutouts, and the flyers didn’t have one all year with a decent defense, so make whatever conclusion you want there…

      he’s unproven in the playoffs, though. average numbers at best, but again his team has been kind of overmatched.

      they have to sign him. I don’t know what the cap is going to go up to, but they might have to make a complimentary move to cut some salary. they are right up against the cap.

      i feel better about him than Bob, but I’m not dancing in the streets or anything.

  3. Can you give me 65,000 words on the most recent video game you played? We’ll need it by tomorrow 10:00 am EST. Thanks.

    • saw that one.

      obviously didn’t read it. I think i’ll be skipping over a lot of stuff there, but still hold out some hope for some interesting (to me) stuff.

      i wonder if they aren’t trying to take on too much. With TV, pop culture, movies, sports, etc. i know there are a lot of writers, but the question is, if you are only interested in 1 in 5 or 6 articles will you keep coming back to wade through the stuff you don’t like just for that.

      gawker and other web media groups have their websites (deadspin/jezebel/gizmodo, etc) separate and specialized.

    • I am thinking it will get better as these guys start responding to current events. I mean, I am making fun of them, but they do have a bunch of really talented writers and a lot of connections to inside information.

      • I’m sure. There’s certainly some room for improvement. I mean, the neighborhood quality of Wrigley Field? It was ok, but are we supposed to be extra impressed because Dave Eggers wrote it? That’ll fade.

        They gotta step it up a bit.

        But yeah, I’m just making fun for the sake of it.

        I also don’t have much sympathy for Simmons trying to claim he’s taking any kind of risk here.

  4. so, this weiner story is a budding Tiger without the grrr Tiger…

    my favorite name of the women, thus far, who have disclosed info exchanged:

    Ginger Lee

    do we think this is a real name?

    Taffy Q Delmar

  5. After my moratorium on junk shots a couple of days ago, I don’t know if I can really promote weiner discussion.

    The guy’s a stone moron. Case closed.

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