Beard Talk.

At Minimum a Triple Violation.

Big Dub wanted a beard post.  I don’t know that I am really qualified to write such a post, but I obviously have an opinion. I know Big Dub could grow a similarly awful beard to the one Hunter Mahan is sporting above.  For my money, it is currently the worst mainstream beard in America, but only after Wilson Valdez shaved his “that thing” the other day. Mahan violates on pretty much every angle.  He’s growing a beard when he really can’t grow one.  His hair has an orange tint (automatic violation), and he’s obviously doing it in some hipster attempt to falsely represent indifference.  Any real beard guy, or anyone who actually is too lazy to shave should be insulted.  I am.  The conclusion I’m coming to here is that beards are only grown for two reasons:  laziness and vanity.  I can personally vouch for this.

Before I get further into the beards, let me take a quick detour to the mustache.  No bit of facial hair is burdened with such terrible stigmas.  “Hey look at that porn-stache.”  “Nice molestache.”  These are things that if you run in my circles you hear just about every day.  Sporting a bad mustache is an invitation for mockery.  The reason you see so many bad mustaches, though, is because on the slim chance you actually pull it off, you are doing something very special.  A power mustache totally flips the script.  As long as there are people like Ron Swanson pulling off the ‘stache to perfection, there will be any number of terrible imitations.


All right, getting back to beards.  Let’s throw out some varieties of facial hair and some of the things that pop into my mind when looking at said styles.

Old Man Bushy Beard:  The Old Man Bushy Beard is a classic.  Personally, I feel like this is an extension of the, “I’m Old, I’m doing whatever I want,” philosophy.  Just like an old guy in blue-blockers will power through a stop sign with nary a care, they’ll rock their beard and not give a darn what you have to say about it.  Also, they may have some mall Santa aspirations.   Those are choice gigs.

Young Man Bushy Beard:  Totally different animal.  I feel like these guys are trying to send a message.  “I’m rustic.”  “I can fell an acre of timber in a single afternoon.”  I think it’s rooted in misconception, though.  I don’t think many lumberjacks or farmers actually rock these beards.  It’s all guys who think that is what they are supposed to look like, but in fact they’re just working at Barnes and Noble or doing the open-mic circuit in Nashville.

The Chin Strap:  Everyone loves a chin strap.  And, I’m talking about the full effort here.  No mustache.  The Amish rock these with an odd grace, but we’ll leave them out of it.  The chin straps you see in the world of electricity are usually worn by guys who cannot grow mustaches and yet have no idea how bad a chin strap actually looks. I feel like people with chin straps have a high propensity for wearing jorts.  They also may or may not have a souped up Mitsubishi.  In extreme cases the chin strap wearer will have designs cut into their hair.

Wanna Go for a Ride in my Impreza?

The Goatee:  I feel like the goatee should have a grandfather clause.  Like the NHL players who were allowed to continue playing without a helmet, I feel that if you can prove you wore a goatee in the 90s, then you are allowed to keep wearing it. Otherwise, I think we can chalk this up to a failed experiment.  I remember being around 12 and thinking that as soon as I was able I was going to grow a goatee.  I’d immediately look harder, older and just walk around in a fog of masculinity.  A few years later, this is exactly what I did.  Of course, I looked like a donkey.  The goatee for me has become the male equivalent of Mom Jeans.  Tiger Woods isn’t pulling it off.  “Oh, sweet goatee, Tiger.  But, can you move your minivan?  It’s blocking an exit.”

Chin Only Garbage:  Any type of “soul patch,” or its brethren.  Can’t believe I just typed soul patch.  Unfortunately, I once had a chin only beard after realizing the mustache part of my goatee wasn’t happening properly.  This was clearly the nadir of my facial hair career.  The thing with these beards is that if you have one I can guarantee that your friends are in a constant debate over how to tell you that you look like an a-hole.  They are almost embarrassed to be in public with you, but duties of the friendship just slightly outweigh the atrocity on your face.  Do everyone a favor and shave.

The Perma-Stubble.  I think this beard has somehow garnered a level of acceptance across all fields of masculinity.  But, I have to say, I find this to be the most vain of all beards.  You know how much work it takes to maintain a beard in this fashion?  A lot.  And, that is precisely what most of these guys don’t want you to know.  I understand the appeal.  We’ve all looked in the mirror on like day 2 or 3, been ready to shave only to find yourself looking absolutely ravishing.  You put off shaving and embrace the perfect stubble, but the next day you are back to looking like garbage.  So, you must maintain, and from that point on you are just chasing the dragon.  So, I’ve got to say, regardless your walk of life, if you have this beard going, you are a bit of a pretty boy.

The Catch All, Carnival Beard Category:  If you happen to have mutton chops, or perhaps a reverse goatee, some wild Fu Manchu, I’d say you are the type of person who is likely to get into an argument about your beard.  Someone will say you look like a douche with your reverse goatee and then you’ll say, “What are you gay?  Why do you care what my beard looks like.”  These guys will preach that their beard is a result of them, “not giving a F–k,” about anything, but we know that isn’t true.  It’s best to just let these guys be, though, because they are very likely to challenge you to a fight.  Of course, if you want to get into a fight, go right ahead, whatever works.

I think that’s all I have on beards.  Hopefully that is acceptable for Big Dub, and everyone else can feel a little more educated on the subject.  Feel free to call BS, or correct any glaring mistakes you see in my analysis.  I feel like I’m probably right, though.

7 thoughts on “Beard Talk.

  1. Neck Beard, my nemesis. Guys that grow a beard, but ONLY on the neck. What the eff is this? How the eff did it start?

  2. I think the most important point is that you can either grow a beard or you can’t. It’s a bright line and everyone falls on one side of the line or other. You’ve got to stay in your lane here. You’re either authorized to grow facial hair or you’re not. Live with it.

    A small exception is some people can grow a mustache who can’t grow a beard. This is permitted, but only if you can actually grow a mustache, as noted in the post. Again, not everyone can do this. Stay in your lane.

    Finally, quirky facial hair is permitted only if (1) you can grow a beard and (2) the current year is prior to 1880 or you are a member of a religious order. Otherwise it is not permitted. (I will recognize a goatee exception for Jeff Bridges.)

    I think that about covers it.

  3. the thing I don’t understand about the neck beard is how uncomfortable neck stubble is. even when i have some nice lazy growth going, what usually drives me to shave is how uncomfortable that hair is on your neck.

    And, I agree, you either can or you caint, no grey area.

    I also realized I didn’t really say anything about just a standard beard. I think that’s pretty much like a mustache, if you can grow a full beard and keep it correct, I think you’re good to go.

  4. There are also costume beards. Like the one year I grew a beard just so I could shave my face to pull off Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

    Whenever a beard arises it is due to laziness so I agree with that. I also do consider myself more of a pretty boy than anything and I do love the 2-3 day growth and wish I could maintain that look ala Roy Halladay. But is Halladay a pretty boy? I say he is.

    The Mitsubishi and jort comment is dead on and by far the best line.

  5. I hope you did more than shave to look like Samuel Jackson. Jules Winfield, our man in Inglewood, cannot be taken lightly.

    I think one thing to mention with the maintained stubble is the role chicks play in this. Like a guy’s GF or wife could be the one pushing for the perma-scruff so he just buckles. I could see that happening with Halladay.

    So, he’s a bit of a pretty boy, but also whipped.

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