Good old Pennsylvania. It’s not always that easy to get a drink in my fair state. State stores, beer distributors, people from other parts of the country come here and generally throw fits when they find out they can’t march into a Winn Dixie and pick up a coupla, five 30 packs of the Silver Bullet. I’ve grown accustomed to it, although there are times when I get a bit frustrated. The old, 2-six pack limit is probably the worst offender, but at least you can now get a case on a Sunday. We’re making progress. That’s speaking only in terms of being able to get beer the same day they play professional football, not actual societal progress.
Of course, the regulation isn’t just limited to beer and handles of Popov. If you want to open an eatery and you’d like serve your share of G&Ts and Vodka Cran-Splashes, you’re going to need a liquor license. This makes sense. Alcohol is a dangerous product. You have to have some type of accountability regarding its distribution, or else shady restaurant owners would be handing out drinks like Halloween candy without any consequences. DUIs, underage drinking, there’s a lot that can go wrong there. What I don’t understand though, is why we can’t get similar regulation with less dangerous products? And really, what is the definition of dangerous?
If you’ve been to a Wawa recently, you’ve likely seen the picture above in some capacity. It’s pepperoni, cheese and “sauce” on a hoagie roll. They’re calling it the pepperoni pizza hoagie. No. Just no, Wawa. You are not allowed to use the word pizza to describe what you are serving. What we’re dealing with here is several food outlets insisting on serving food they are not capable of making. Pepperoni shouldn’t even be allowed in a Wawa. And, Dunkin’ Donuts, I reject your tuna sandwich. There are countless offenses, but we’re tackling one thing at a time here. The Wawa pizza hoagie is the last straw. We need a pizza license.
Now, maybe you’re saying, what about the theory that there is no such thing as a bad piece of pizza? Well, there is some truth to that, but what you are really saying there is that you prefer a mediocre piece of pizza to a lukewarm hamburger or something of that nature. But the bottom line is when you get pizza, most of the time right before that moment of resignation when you realize you’re eating bad pie, you are hoping for the best. I think we can limit the bad experiences.
Before you are allowed to open a pizza place, you need to prove to me that you can make a piece of pizza. Then, you get your license. No, Wawa. You don’t get one. How many pizza places open and close within a year? Now, some of this is due to the ridiculously saturated market, but also it’s because places open up and serve stuff that tastes like 3-day old Red Baron. We can put a stop to that. Weed out the offenders. And, are you worried about all the pizza jobs that would be lost in today’s troubled economy? Well, think about the manpower you’d need to start the National Pizza Authority? It’d be like the modern day TVA. I’m ready to spearhead this thing. Who’s with me?