Summer television is officially over. Say goodbye to Big Brother. I don’t think people pay any attention to the television seasons anymore. Cable shows are only on for 3 months, the networks trot out swill for the summer season, people don’t have the attention span to watch something that isn’t on Demand/DVD/Netflix, you get the idea. The major networks don’t really adjust to modern tastes, though, or they do, but it takes them too long and they always make the wrong choices. So, as soon the grocery stores start filling every square inch with mini-pumpkins, the networks have some new fodder for you. I’m going to go through each night this week and tell you what to do…
Monday: Word association with Monday is Monday Night Football and the Bachelor. But, unfortunately it’s Dancing with the Stars season, and Monday night football is now on ESPN–disqualified.
Watch: Hell’s Kitchen (8 PM Fox). Hell’s Kitchen is hilarious. It’s the profanity. It makes you wonder how you ever get a decent meal at a restaurant and also what happens to all those rubbery scallops? My other favorite part of this show? Everyone that works in a kitchen looks like a mess. Just chain-smoking, clawing onto the steep edge of sanity, messes.
Don’t Watch: Two and a Half Men (9 PM CBS). Ashton Kutcher replaces Charlie Sheen on a show that hadn’t been funny (ever?) in a long time. I loathe Ashton Kutcher. I’ll never forgive myself for liking the first episode of Punk’d.
New Show: Two Broke Girls (9:30 PM CBS). Hey, it’s Kat Dennings. You loved her in the 40-year old virgin. This is by far the best reviewed new show that I’ve seen this year. Is that like being the best reviewed Tyler Perry movie? I don’t know.
Tuesday: Tuesday boils down to people who watch Glee vs. people who don’t watch Glee. If you watch it, I feel like it consumes your whole day and you can’t do anything else.
Watch: Parenthood (10 PM NBC). Why? Because I sometimes watch Parenthood and I don’t want to be the only person in the world who watches the show. It’s not really good. I can’t give it a ringing endorsement, especially now that Minka Kelly is gone, but I think it could have been good. I must still be waiting to find a groove.
Don’t Watch: The Biggest Loser (8 PM NBC). Come on, people. The show is two hours long. And, that includes 20 minutes of crying. Also, the last 1/2 hour is just people getting on a scale. Would you go down to the Chick-Fil-A and watch people weigh themselves for a 1/2 hour? Ok, bad question.
New Show: The New Girl (Fox 9 PM). Test exactly how much you like Zooey Deschanel. I’m pretty sure she’s playing her Elf character in this one. Score!
Wednesday: Wednesday just brings heat. It’s a DVR’s dream. Really it’s a question of: do you like actual shows, are you stuck in your ways, or are you a flavor of the month singing contest ho? Everyone fits into one of those categories.
Watch: Modern Family ( 9 PM on ABC). The premiere of Modern Family is an hour. That’s amazing news. I’m fairly sure it picked up an Emmy last night. A year late. I think Parks and Rec was funnier last year, but still you have to watch this show, it’s a real gut-buster.
Don’t Watch: Survivor (8 PM on CBS). Survivor is like the Simpsons of reality shows at this point. And, people still watch it, which scares me, because it makes me think the Celebrity Apprentice is still going to be on 12 years from now. Worst part? Jeff Probst is probably rich beyond belief now. Nothing makes me angrier than “hosts.”
New Show: The X-Factor. (8 PM on Fox). Somehow Fox tricked you into watching American Idol year round and made you think it was your idea. Suckers, but hey, Paula’s back.
Thursday: Seinfeld is still on, right? I was thinking recently, when is Seinfeld going to stop running in syndication? I figure the last actual Seinfeld fans were born what, in like 1984? So, that means it’ll pretty much last forever. The Office, on the other hand, won’t do as well.
Watch: Parks and Recreation (8:30 PM on NBC). The Office needs this lead-in at this point. That’s all I’m saying. I’m hoping for 23 episodes of Bobby Flay Throwdown style burger challenges with Ron Swanson, but that’s just me. It’s the new funniest show on network TV, which is interesting, because I hated the 1st season.
Don’t Watch: The Mentalist (10 PM on CBS). Really people? The Mentalist? I don’t like shows based on someone being clever. Ok, I just made that up, but really the Mentalist is garbage.
New Show: Whitney (9:30 PM NBC). I’ve been hearing about Whitney Cummings for a couple of years, but I’m not sure I’ve ever really laughed at any of her stuff. She’s funny, but not in a carry a TV show kind of way. At least, that’s according to me. I’m predicting small things for her sit-com. The previews look dicey.
Friday: I’m now into season two of Friday Night Lights and I’m seeing how the show torpedoed itself on DirectTV, or whatever happened. Strange season. Love that Buddy Garrity, though. TV on Friday is never exciting, because they assume if you were exciting, you’d be out doing something more fun than watching Dateline Mystery.
Don’t watch TV on Friday. Just trust me. There’s nothing there. It’s a 4-day a week habit. Five if you count football on Sunday (which I don’t, that’s recreation).
Ok, there you go. Your week’s planned. You’re welcome.