Watch Some Network TV!

Excuse Me, What's on Channel 13?

Summer television is officially over.  Say goodbye to Big Brother.  I don’t think people pay any attention to the television seasons anymore.  Cable shows are only on for 3 months, the networks trot out swill for the summer season, people don’t have the attention span to watch something that isn’t on Demand/DVD/Netflix, you get the idea.  The major networks don’t really adjust to modern tastes, though, or they do, but it takes them too long and they always make the wrong choices.  So, as soon the grocery stores start filling every square inch with mini-pumpkins, the networks have some new fodder for you.  I’m going to go through each night this week and tell you what to do…

Monday: Word association with Monday is Monday Night Football and the Bachelor.  But, unfortunately it’s Dancing with the Stars season, and Monday night football is now on ESPN–disqualified.

Watch:  Hell’s Kitchen (8 PM Fox).  Hell’s Kitchen is hilarious.  It’s the profanity.  It makes you wonder how you ever get a decent meal at a restaurant and also what happens to all those rubbery scallops?  My other favorite part of this show? Everyone that works in a kitchen looks like a mess.  Just chain-smoking, clawing onto the steep edge of sanity, messes.

Don’t Watch: Two and a Half Men (9 PM CBS).  Ashton Kutcher replaces Charlie Sheen on a show that hadn’t been funny (ever?) in a long time.  I loathe Ashton Kutcher.  I’ll never forgive myself for liking the first episode of Punk’d.

New Show:  Two Broke Girls (9:30 PM CBS).  Hey, it’s Kat Dennings.  You loved her in the 40-year old virgin.  This is by far the best reviewed new show that I’ve seen this year.  Is that like being the best reviewed Tyler Perry movie?  I don’t know.

Tuesday: Tuesday boils down to people who watch Glee vs. people who don’t watch Glee.  If you watch it, I feel like it consumes your whole day and you can’t do anything else.

Watch:  Parenthood (10 PM NBC).  Why?  Because I sometimes watch Parenthood and I don’t want to be the only person in the world who watches the show.  It’s not really good.  I can’t give it a ringing endorsement, especially now that Minka Kelly is gone, but I think it could have been good.  I must still be waiting to find a groove.

Don’t Watch:  The Biggest Loser (8 PM NBC).  Come on, people.  The show is two hours long.  And, that includes 20 minutes of crying. Also, the last 1/2 hour is just people getting on a scale.  Would you go down to the Chick-Fil-A and watch people weigh themselves for a 1/2 hour?  Ok, bad question.

New Show: The New Girl (Fox 9 PM).  Test exactly how much you like Zooey Deschanel.  I’m pretty sure she’s playing her Elf character in this one.  Score!

Wednesday:  Wednesday just brings heat.  It’s a DVR’s dream.  Really it’s a question of: do you like actual shows, are you stuck in your ways, or are you a flavor of the month singing contest ho?  Everyone fits into one of those categories.

Watch: Modern Family ( 9 PM on ABC).  The premiere of Modern Family is an hour.  That’s amazing news.  I’m fairly sure it picked up an Emmy last night.  A year late.  I think Parks and Rec was funnier last year, but still you have to watch this show, it’s a real gut-buster.

Don’t Watch:  Survivor (8 PM on CBS).  Survivor is like the Simpsons of reality shows at this point.  And, people still watch it, which scares me, because it makes me think the Celebrity Apprentice is still going to be on 12 years from now.  Worst part?  Jeff Probst is probably rich beyond belief now.  Nothing makes me angrier than “hosts.”

New Show:  The X-Factor.  (8 PM on Fox).  Somehow Fox tricked you into watching American Idol year round and made you think it was your idea.  Suckers, but hey, Paula’s back.

Thursday: Seinfeld is still on, right?  I was thinking recently, when is Seinfeld going to stop running in syndication?  I figure the last actual Seinfeld fans were born what, in like 1984?  So, that means it’ll pretty much last forever.  The Office, on the other hand, won’t do as well.

Watch:  Parks and Recreation (8:30 PM on NBC).  The Office needs this lead-in at this point.  That’s all I’m saying.  I’m hoping for 23 episodes of Bobby Flay Throwdown style burger challenges with Ron Swanson, but that’s just me.  It’s the new funniest show on network TV, which is interesting, because I hated the 1st season.

Don’t Watch: The Mentalist (10 PM on CBS).  Really people?  The Mentalist?  I don’t like shows based on someone being clever.  Ok, I just made that up, but really the Mentalist is garbage.

New Show:  Whitney (9:30 PM NBC).  I’ve been hearing about Whitney Cummings for a couple of years, but I’m not sure I’ve ever really laughed at any of her stuff.  She’s funny, but not in a carry a TV show kind of way.  At least, that’s according to me.  I’m predicting small things for her sit-com.  The previews look dicey.

Friday:  I’m now into season two of Friday Night Lights and I’m seeing how the show torpedoed itself on DirectTV, or whatever happened.  Strange season.  Love that Buddy Garrity, though.  TV on Friday is never exciting, because they assume if you were exciting, you’d be out doing something more fun than watching Dateline Mystery.


Don’t watch TV on Friday.  Just trust me.  There’s nothing there.  It’s a 4-day a week habit.  Five if you count football on Sunday (which I don’t, that’s recreation).

Ok, there you go.  Your week’s planned.  You’re welcome.


Vick Hurt.

Kafka Begins Quest to get Traded for '12 First Rounder.

About 20 minutes before Mike Vick left Sunday night’s game with a concussion I sent out a text asking how much longer he could possibly stay upright.  For the second straight game, Vick was taking a beating.  It finally caught up to him, and the Eagles as well.  The Falcons flipped a double-digit deficit after Vick was replaced, and the Eagles went from getting away with a sloppy game to flying home 1-1.  It’s not a certainty that Vick will be out next week against NY, but it’s a strong possibility and now we’ve gone two straight years with the Eagles’ QB suffering an early season concussion. Nothing against Mike Kafka, he came in and looked all right considering the situation, but this team is built around Michael Vick covering up its deficiencies. They’ll need him back.  

Vick’s injury, and the subsequent shift in how the game played out just highlighted how much of a QB league the NFL is right now.  The 32 most important guys in the league are the ones taking the snaps every week.  If you think anyone other than a QB deserves to win the MVP every year, you’re crazy.  You want an idea of how your team is doing?  Look at your QB.  Is it Matt Cassel?  If it is, you’re probably screwed.  If you’ve got Tom Brady, you’re doing all right.  That sounds obvious and simple, but with the amount of points being scored, and the total lack of defense being played, if you’ve got a game manager, you might as well have Luke McCown.  


Ok, these seasons really are over:

1.  Kansas City.  Wow.  Sometimes you have a (-79) point differential after two weeks.  And, I’m not entirely sure the Chiefs have played a good team yet.  The Bills and Lions have scored plenty of points, but I don’t think anyone expects them to meet in the Super Bowl.  Add in Jamaal Charles’s knee injury and you’ve got 4 months of agony left in K.C.  The only question is, do they even bother firing Todd Haley?

2.  Indianapolis.  I’m glad I got picking the Colts out of the way, because now I won’t touch them for the rest of the year. Will a Colt be starting on any fantasy team by week six?  I’ve got Reggie Wayne available.  Fifty cents on the dollar.  I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for the Painter era.  Then draft Luck, cut Peyton and he can go play in Buffalo under new coach, Tony Dungy.  

3.  Seattle.  What were the odds on a shutout?  1:1?  How many quarters would it have taken for the Seahawks to score?  I couldn’t understand why Big Ben was still in there when it was 17-0.  That game was over.  The Seahawks aren’t going to go quietly in the Luck sweepstakes.  We can’t score, but we can’t really stop anyone, either.

4.  Miami.  Tony Sparano has that twitchy look that only NFL coaches can get when they’re slowly going crazy and waiting to be fired.  When it gets to the point, it’s best to just put the guy out of his misery.  Is Nick Saban available?  Bobby Petrino?  Any of the last several years Houston going on the road would have been a stink bomb, and the Texans may still be a fraud, but the Dolphins’ stank takes precedence over the Texans’ having no heart. 

5.  Minnesota.  Great game for Don, but he’s only one man.  Did Adrian Peterson actually sign that deal or was it a 30-day trial?  My goodness, the Vikings should play the Dolphins.  Winner moves to Los Angeles, loser joins the Big-12.  


The Three Games Will be a Trend Fantasy Watch:

1.  Cam Newton.  Will the Panthers throw the ball every play?  Will they always be coming from behind?  Will Newton get 10-15 points running the ball a week?  The answer to all of those is probably yes, so on the off-chance he’s still available, pick the guy up.  He’s not going to come crashing back down to earth until people start playing him. 

2. Kenny Britt.  The most annoying fantasy wide receiver of 2010 has turned himself into Andre Johnson this year.  Isn’t it strange that the Cardinals went a whole year without being able to get Larry Fitzgerald the ball, but the gosh dang Titans can make it rain to Britt every week?

3.  Fred Jackson.  Yes, he’s a Bill.  Yes, the Bills are lighting up scoreboards.  And, the guy is doing it on limited touches.  He’s not even a workhorse and he’s killing you as some clown’s flex back. 

4.  Gronkowski.  Why isn’t Randy Moss coming back to the Pats?  Because they have Gronkowski, and he’s going to catch 20 TDs this year.  Last week I said to myself, I hope Gronkowski has a bad week and then I’m going to try to trade for him.  Well, this guy’s value doesn’t look like it’s dropping anytime soon.

5. Vs. the Chiefs.  Obviously, this is the only real defensive option available.  Any other team might accidentally put up 30 points, but not the Chiefs.  I figure it’s only a matter of time before teams start returning kicks against them too.  


The “Rams and Giants Won’t Make it Anyway” Week 2 Top-10:

  1. New England
  2. Green Bay
  3. New York Jets
  4. New Orleans
  5. Detroit
  6. Philadelphia w/Vick
  7. Baltimore
  8. Pittsburgh
  9. Houston
  10. Atlanta