The Debut of the Mailbag.

Oh, Hey.

Q:  What are your general thoughts on running red lights?  Personally, I never want to be the first car that stops at the light. Hank LeCroy, Shermer, IL.

A: I like that motto, Hank.  Sounds SUPER safe.  In fact, if everyone adopted that theory, we’d be in India.  Anyway, here’s my story with red lights.  I go through cycles.  I start pushing it further and further, and then I’ll get to the point where twice in the span of one week I go, “Wow, that was VERY red.”   Then I do the 360 degree neck spin to check for flashing lights.  This usually scares me straight for a while and I become the guy who is almost constantly getting rear-ended.  A lawyer once told me that if you look up in the middle of the intersection and the light is still yellow–you’re golden.  So, take that to the bank.  

Q: Is the lime the most overrated cocktail addition of all-time?  All we really want is the booze, correct? Dolores Flint, Augusta GA.

A: Very poetic, Dolores.  I’d break this into two categories.  The lime is certainly the most overrated addition to beer of all-time.  Every time I see someone mash up a lime and shove it into a Corona, I want to take the bottle and smash it over the person’s head.  And, don’t get me started on Bud Light Lime. Why, Bud Light, Why?  As far as cocktails go, sure any mixer or accoutrement is just a way to dress up the alcohol delivery.  It’s like when your mother made airplane noises with the spoon while shoving carrot puree into your hole when you were a kid.  And, certainly I can crush a gin and tonic without a lime in there, but perhaps you should embrace the luxurious nature of cocktail hour a bit more.  Go for the lime from time to time, I think you’ll like the results.  

Q: Did You Notice that Tiger Woods Jacked Dustin Johnson’s caddy, Joe LaCava, just a couple of weeks after they won together?  If DJ is considered one of the best young stars in the game, how is Tiger pulling this off?  Considering his current form, I wouldn’t invite him to a Nine & Dine.  Thom Tucker, Jupiter FL.

A: Did I notice?  Of course, I did.  But, what I really noticed was the reaction.  You know what this whole Tiger thing has taught me?  That people love to be up in arms about something.  They can’t stand Tiger still dominating the media.  They can’t stand he got picked for the President’s Cup team.  Now, he’s got his pick of caddies despite slipping out of the top-50 in the world.  It’s not fair!  No, it’s not, because Tiger doesn’t play by the same rules as other people.  He’s Tiger.  You can’t take that away with missed cuts and lost endorsements.  He is still, BY FAR, the most captivating and marketable figure in golf.  If Luke Donald walked into your local golf shop, 1/2 the people wouldn’t even look twice.  If Tiger strolled in, the entire area would SHUT DOWN.  Chaos.  And, LaCava is taking a chance to be a part of that, a part of possible history as well, because he can see it from the inside, and he’s not some hater who wants Tiger to be punished by the courts of morality and karma.

Q: I recently had a burger that was 60% ground beef and 40% ground pork.  This probably won’t come as a surprise, but it was really good.  Have you dabbled?  G.T. Washington, Marshfield MO.

A: You know what, G.T.?  I have dabbled.  I’ve gone through a big learning curve with burgers.  There was a time when I had no idea what I was doing.  I’d buy ground beef that had 6% fat, because I thought that was the best and it cost the most.  ERROR.  Those burgers turned into dense hockey pucks.  Since then I’ve settled into 85% lean.  Anything less, and you venture into grill fire territory.  The pork combo was a nice revelation for me.  I don’t have the sophisticated palate to talk about the exact differences in flavor, but what I really liked was the texture–and it was extravagantly juicy. They are a bit fatty, so you’ve got to watch them, but I am pro-pork.  Who isn’t?

Q: Every single one of my friends has at one point said they’d want to own a bar.  I certainly understand the appeal of a bar, but it seems like too much work.  Also, I’d likely go out of business serving up free drinks to friends and hot women.  If you take the bar out of the equation, what should be my dream business?  I need some goals.  Dan Pine, Coatesville, PA.

A:  This is a great question.  Who doesn’t have a little entrepreneurial aspirations?  It’d probably be a lot easier to tell you what kind of business not to start.  A video store, for example.  NO.  I have my share of ideas, but considering they’re protected by copyright and you strike me as a somewhat lazy individual, I’m going to go off the map a bit.  I think you need to exploit people’s sensibilities with a do-it-yourself type thing.  You know, like one of those car washes where people come in and pay for the privilege to man-handle the suds gun?  But, again, you seem especially lazy, so I’m going to be inspired by your name and tell you to open a Christmas Tree farm.  First, Christmas is recession proof! Secondly, people love cutting down their own trees.  It’s woodsy and rustic.  And, of course, you only have to be open for a couple of months a year.  So, start planting buddy and get back to me in 10 years when the dough is rolling in.  

Q: Is the window unit A/C the most inferior product in the world to its immediate successor, meaning central air?  Once you live with A/C  you can’t live without, and I imagine once you go central, the same thing applies.  Thank god it’s Fall.  I want to drop kick my window unit off the top of my building.  Sally Draper, Ossining, NY.

A: I think you’re on the right track, Sally.  The window unit is an invention of desperation.  Central air is true innovation.  In the dead of the summer my window unit cools MOST of my bedroom.  Things get a little sticky near the door.  Plus, the noise.  Good god.  I’m trying to think of other things that qualify.  I suppose plugging in a ‘fridge instead of hauling a chunk of ice into your kitchen was a pretty big step.  I’m not a real technology buff.  I’m going to say you are correct with the A/C until someone proves you wrong in the comments.  

Q: Would you rather have all the books you have read or all the money you spent buying them?  And, what about CDs and DVDs?  Aside from filling shelves, I’m not sure what the point is, if I could trade in my 50 DVDs right now for a quick $750, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  Lee Thomas Jones, Carson City NV.

A: I don’t know that these questions can be grouped together, Lee.  Would I trade in most of my DVDs?  I probably would, but at the same time, you never know when you are going to want to catch The Big Lebowski.  I have slowed my purchases in the movie category, and I suppose if you are Blu-Ray’d up, the DVDs are about as useful as a 28K modem. You’ve convinced me, I’m trading in the DVDs.  Books, on the other hand, no chance.  We’re not talking about a life-changing amount of money here, so while the DVDs could spark a little bender, the reward for not having my books isn’t great enough.  I’m not a Library guy.  I don’t do well at returning things.  And, I like my copies.  I like to look at how pretty they are.  Plus, I think of the pedestrian vocabulary I would tote around if it wasn’t for my books, and I say, keep your dirty money, Sir.

Q: The Phillies are about to embark on another playoff run.  What are your thoughts on selling non-decisive game tickets?  If the Phils make the World Series against the Yankees and I can get 4-figures for game-2 seats, aren’t I a moron not to take the cash? Russell Aguayo, Haddonfield NJ.

A: Of course someone from Jersey sends this question in.  Money is obviously tight with all this pawning on people’s minds.  Well, what I’d say to you, Russell is, what if Cliff Lee throws a no-hitter in game 2 of the World Series while you are sitting on the couch watching that money pour into your PayPal account?  Then how will you feel?  Also, do I need to remind you that you are getting ahead of yourself?  Let’s enjoy the NLDS.  To your actual question, you gotta do what you gotta do, Russ.  If your kid needs a new retainer or something, go for it.  Just don’t lie about being there down the line if something amazing happens.  



14 thoughts on “The Debut of the Mailbag.

  1. this is funny.
    i like a lime with my gin and tonic. i like the taste of my limes that way.
    that is the only time i like a lime.

    i also prefer olives on martinis.
    but why would 3 be the perfect number of them?

    yeah, you know it.

    oh, and here’s a question: if you have one ticket to a sporting event, selling the other (upsold and scalping method), how does one endure sitting next to that person?


  2. For the last question, do circumstances change the answer? For example, having seen the phils win a ws and then giving up game 4 NLDS tix this year?

  3. I don’t know, isn’t the whole point of going to a game to say you were there when something happened, or to be in that atmosphere. Obviously you can be just as big of a fan watching at home, but I don’t think 2008 takes anything away from this year.

    If someone can barely afford their seats and they sell them to pay for next year’s plan, or if you just tried the lottery as an investment, then whatever, but selling them just makes me question the fandom a little bit.

    Like, if the Phils were down 3-0 in a series and you sold game 4 because the best that could happen is they get to another game…I’m not really feeling that mentality.

    • haha…i didnt even notice the sally d thing til DC’s highlighting, merci.
      youz all ok in Vermont?

      hey, and i just had this thought while filling in my second of two excel projects of the day..speaking of inventions…

      Q: Could Excel be the most useful, yet easiest to mess-up and least understood of the Microsoft enterprise of softwarium?

      Q for qorporate

  4. Wow. The timing was incredible. Sox blow it, ESPN hangs around to see the players dejected, they cut to the rays, and like 3 pitches later longoria ends it.

    Was that stever berthume calling them game? Worst home run call ever.

    • I jumped back on my dvr to re-watch the sox player’s moping into the clubhouse. When I went to live tv, it was right as Longoria’s home run pitch was being made. I was really confused for a second because of how terrible the home run call was. One of the most exciting things in Ray’s franchise history and the dude didn’t show a fraction of emotion.

  5. My god. I went to bed and it was 7-0 Yankees and the Red Sox were in a rain delay. What on earth happened? (I mean I know what happened, I’m asking what HAPPENED?)

  6. well, i thought a one-game playoff would have been cool to watch tonight, but obviously nothing was going to top that. Love the wild scene in Baltimore with the 3,000 loyalists still in the stands. Those poor bastards haven’t had anything to cheer for in the last 15 years.

  7. haha…crazy night of bball last night. i was also seriously hoping for an NL playoff, tire out the opponent. but, we are Philly, home of the rally towel.

    funny you mention orioles fans, cause, i was thinking why the cuss would the orioles care to win. kind of like the astros. but then again. i though, don’t you wanna be that team refueling the curse…

    i have to say, i almost cried when i watched the post game highlight of the sox dig out. heart. they still tug at my heart.

    hey, and did anyone see the ESPN clips when they go back and forth between cardinals game and phils game…and then as phils finish, we see the cardinals cheering in their locker room. pretty darn funny.

    i hope the cards celebrated hard,
    hangover baby. but pujols is all goody goody so…hmmm.


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