Someone asked me the other day what the worst part about living near Philly was, and right before I said something about the cheese saturated female population I changed my mind. There’s nothing worse than a Philly fan. They’ve got no balls. When their team is bad they whine or ignore them completely. When the team is good, they still whine, but they throw in gutless panic, as well. Oh no, the Phillies only won 102 games? What are we ever going to do about the Cardinals? I can’t wait until they lose game one and things really get kicked up a notch.
If you really want something to worry about, try the Eagles. When they lose this week you can go ahead and settle in for a rousing 7-9 campaign. That’s what coming. The Eagles brought a Ferrari to a demolition derby. Oh, you’ve got skill position players? That’s great. Too bad they’re all going to be broken and battered by mid-season. Get ready for November when Vince Young to Jason Avant is your go-to combo when you are piling up backdoor cover touchdowns.
The Eagles stink. And, San Francisco is just the team to prove how bad they are. Don’t get me wrong. The Niners are just south of mediocre, but to think the Eagles should be laying 10 points to anyone with that defense is laughable. You’ll hear the pundits talk about how the line can’t go high enough for them. The higher it goes, the bigger a lock the Eagles are, and maybe that’d be true if Michael Vick had any real shot of finishing the game. He doesn’t. And, how long until Maclin/McCoy/Jackson (combined weight 305 lbs) join the parade to the MRI machine? Let me know when they start playing flag football in the NFL. Then I’ll get on-board with Eagles. In the meantime, do what you do best, Philly fans, panic. Because, Sunday afternoon is going to be a nail-biter.
The Contraction Special:
Every week I’m going to highlight a game that should be taken off the schedule. Ideally, both teams would lose. I love the NFL. I have 4 fantasy teams. I have a moderate gambling problem, and yet there is always at least one game a week that the baseball morons could point to as a response to the, “baseball is boring and awful,” argument. This week, that game is Vikings/Chiefs. Zero combined wins. Zero combined competent quarterbacks. Zero combined coaches with a clue. One great running back who doesn’t get the ball enough and one very good running back who no longer has a working knee. If there was a prop bet that I could make about Todd Haley going 0-17 this year, I might take a quick taste—because you never know. If I was an executive at DirectTV, I’d blackout this game. What if someone accidentally puts it on? They might cancel the whole package. Just thinking about the game makes me want to vomit. You’re better than this, NFL.
The AFC Special:
What is it about the AFC? There always seems to be an AFC game each week that looks like a good matchup on paper, but is secretly awful. There’s nothing that kills me more than hype over Ravens/Steelers games. Those games are brutal. These games probably aren’t exclusive to the AFC, but I don’t like the conference, and I’m sticking to my guns. This week, the prime example is Houston/Pittsburgh. Two winning teams, two probable playoff teams, what’s the issue? I wish I could pinpoint the problem, but I just don’t care about this game. I think it’s Schaub. He’s got the charisma of artificial Christmas tree. Runner Up AFC Special: Jets/Ravens.
Game of the Week: Lions/Cowboys.
I can hear the cries of disbelief. Where’s the love for the Pats/Raiders game? That’s guaranteed to feature a minimum of 70 points, and I agree, but this game intrigues me. I seek knowledge. The NFC is wide open. It is. If you want to hitch your wagon up to the Packers, go ahead, but they are very beatable. And, regardless, other contenders are going to have to emerge. And, we know it ain’t going to be Philadelphia. I’m not sure the Lions are any good, but they’re 3-0. I think the Cowboys still have room for improvement, and probably should be 3-0 themselves. It seems like there is no way Detroit is ready for this game on the road, but the Cowboys don’t bury anybody. So, like I said, intriguing.
Five Fantasy Implosions:
- LeSean McCoy
- Arian Foster Part III
- Benjarvis Green Ellis
- Joe Flacco
- Daniel Thomas
- Jay Cutler
- Denarious Moore
- A.J. Green
- Michael Crabtree
- Stevan Ridley