This time of year you start hearing the word “salvage.” If you are an NFL team that is 1-3, you’ve only got a couple of more chances left to save the season. If you’re 1-3 in D.A. Fantasy Football the playoffs could be just a few more losses away from becoming a mirage. The biggest consequence of all of this, aside from the aforementioned self-esteem, is that your fall sports entertainment hangs in the balance in the coming weeks. Is your NFL team going to play any meaningful games this season? Are you going to have any chance to run down the leader in NFL Pick ‘Em? Questions abound. Let’s get things started with the Pick ‘Em standings where we’ve got some separation and our first 5-0 week of 2011.
NFL Pick ‘Em Standings:
- JCK: 14-6 (4-1 This Week)
- Kraft: 11-7-2 (5-0 This Week)
- Big Dub: 10-9-1 (1-4 This Week)
- Grossy: 9-11 (1-4 This Week)
- Nichols: 8-10-2 (2-3 This Week)
The “Sherman McNeil” Pick of the Week: This was a bit of a no-brainer. We don’t do perfection around here too often, except every time I craft an analogy, but hitting 5-0 for the week is pretty special. Kraft has taken a 3-5-2 start and turned himself into a contender. I guess it gives hope to us bottom feeders. For the best pick, I think I’ll settle on Detroit over Dallas. Maybe it was a lucky comeback, or maybe someone just knew the Cowboys had another back-breaking choke in them? Either way, the Cowboys stink and everyone’s got Lions fever.
The “How Many Elastic Trees Died to Make C.C. Sabathia’s Waistband” Awful Pick of the Week: Plenty of losing picks to choose from here. But, really, how could I ignore the fact that I took the Bucs. This goes against everything in my being. Why did I turn my back on spite? Getting distracted by Curtis Painter is absolutely no excuse. The Bucs can never, ever be expected to cover a big line. Learn your damn lesson, Grossy. I never will.
D.A. Standings and Game Summaries: We’re slowly getting back into the D.A. groove. A nice handful of awful performances this week. One side-effect of the tremendous amounts of passing offense this year is the increase in incompletions thrown. Go look at Blaine Gabbert’s stat line. Winning D.A. has really become an art. You’ve got to pick losers, and you’ve got to stay away from guys that throw for 350 yards. Or, you can just take Mark Sanchez.
Standings: (Total Season points in parentheses)
- Neckbeards and Codeine: 3-1 (125.25 points)
- Team Horse Face: 3-1 (68 points)
- Kraft 2-2 (102.5 points)
- The Shiva Cry 2-2 (90.25 points)
- Fake Chow: 2-2 (31.75 points)
- JCK: 2-2 (-5.75 points)
- Eli Esses D: 1-3 (12 points)
- The Slop Jocks: 1-3 (-16 points)
The Streak is Over. Eli Esses D Notches 67.5 to 13.75 win over Fake Chow.
This was bound to happen eventually, right? Dub just needed a bit of luck, a bit of timely research, and a historic D.A. performance out of Mark Sanchez. Sanchez accounted for 3 Ravens TDs, completed barely 30% of his passes and reaffirmed the fact that New York is not a contender in the AFC, all on his way to piling up 69 points. This breaks the record Luke McCown established just a few weeks ago. The good news is, Sanchez will stay on the job. Fake Chow, despite a reasonable performance by Kevin Kolb (25 points) was powerless against this juggernaut, and dropped to 2-2.
The Shiva Cry Knocks off 1st Place Team Horse Face, 67 to 17.
The 1972 Dolphins crack the champagne as our last undefeated D.A. team leaves the ranks quite early. This was a great match-up on paper, but the Eagles continue to disappoint as a D.A. defensive opponent. Alex Smith should never put up (-11.25 points), especially against 3 Pro Bowl corners. That hole was too much for Team Horse Face to overcome as Blaine Gabbert and his wild inaccuracy (46 points) led The Shiva Cry to an easy win. The victory evens their record and gives them a hold on a playoff spot.
JCK Wins Smashmouth Contest over The Slop Jocks, 4 to (-12).
Penalty yards played a big role in this game, as Colt McCoy and Cam Newton both slanged well into the 300s. Newton (-8 points) continues to be a solid D.A. performer aside from his prodigious yardage stats. Luckily JCK was immune to his running TDs and balanced his effort with the 0-win stylings of Don McNabb (12 points). The Slop Jocks were probably assuming they’d cruise to victory with Colt McCoy dropping back 61 times, but C-Mack didn’t have his usual inaccuracy and combined with his 350 yards passing it was a disappointing (-11 point) day.
Neckbeards and Codeine Takes Over 1st with a 53 to -12.25 win over Kraft
Curtis Painter went 1st overall in the draft this week. That came as no surprise. What did come as a surprise was his special connection with Pierre Garcon. I’d gotten to the point where I expected no Colt would ever have a productive game again. For Painter to stink it up in his D.A. debut was quite the disappointment, and it killed Kraft. For Neckbeards, it was a smooth 20/43 performance by Sam Bradford that led the way to 35 points and a win. Remember when Bradford was an up and comer? Looks like he’s got a better chance of becoming a D.A. stalwart.
The 3PT D.A. of the Week:
If you took Mark Sanchez out of the equation this week, it would have been a heck of a battle. Andy Dalton started with an early pick-6. We mentioned how bad Bradford was, and Joe Flacco, though undrafted, was absolutely terrible in Baltimore’s win. None of that mattered, though. Mark Sanchez was a man on a mission. The Fumble-6 is one of the underrated, hilarious plays in all of football and Sanchez managed to turn the trick twice in the 1st half. His 2nd half pick-6 was just showing off. Throw in 10/31 and barely 100 yards passing and this was the easiest call of the season. Sanchez’s 30.5 rating for the night exposes an obvious flaw in the statistic. It’s about as useful as the RBI.
Check out the top of the page for Week 5 D.A. Info and another Historically bad QB performance.