They’re calling for snow tomorrow. Inappropriate. I played golf in shorts a few days ago. It’s still, by a nose, only October. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, winter. I’m sure the cold temperatures will put a bit of a damper on your more revealing costumes, or at the very least make sure the people working the coat check are nice and busy. Good news is, things should be cleared out for the Trick-O’-Treaters. Like you could stop them. Hope everyone gets to siphon off some good candy from a kid, or can indulge in their own extras. Here’s my Halloween candy rankings from last year, if you care to revisit one of our finer posts. Anyway, enough about candy. I’m distracted. Let’s talk about something equally sweet: Winners. Another terrible NFL slate, let’s slog through the muck…
JCK: Record, 22-12-1
- Carolina (-3.5) over Minnesota
- Jacksonville (+9.5) over Houston
- New Orleans (-14) over St. Louis
- Cincinnati (-3) over Seattle
- San Diego (-3.5) over Kansas City
Big Dub: Record, 19-13-3
Dub’s Full Analysis, as usual. This time it sheds some light on his confidence regarding the Cowboys Pick.
Minnesota (+3.5) over Carolina. Carolina’s run defense blows.
Pittsburgh (+3) over New England. New England’s defense blows against the pass.
Dallas (+3.5) over Philadelphia. Philadelphia’s defense just flat blows across the board.
Buffalo (-6) over Washington. I don’t care if the game is in Tokyo.
Houston (-9.5) over Jacksonville. Didn’t Tennessee lay an after beating Baltimore? Same thing happens to the Jags.
Kraft: Record, 17-14-4.
Detroit (-3) over Denver. The perfect Rx for a team coming off two losses…Denver. If this Tim Tebow thing continues much longer, Gross is going to have to get back to the drawing board and come up with D.A. scoring for the run game.
Arizona (+13) over Baltimore. After that Monday night showing, and weeks prior, Baltimore just doesn’t have an offense. Unless they win this game 14-0 with 2 defensive TDs, I like the 13 points. Joe Flacco needs a Trent Dilfer costume for Halloween.
New England (-3) over Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh allows like 50 yards a game rushing. New England says great, we’ll just spread you out and throw for 450. And, you can’t stop us. I really hate Pittsburgh, can Hines Ward please retire?
Dallas (+3.5) over Philadelphia. This hurts, especially since I hate Dallas more than any other team. But, let’s be honest, Dallas is talented. They can run the ball effectively (which is the Eagles biggest weakness) and their defense knows how to stop Philly’s offense, evidenced by the last couple of years when they have dominated Philly’s horrendous offensive line. Get Antone Davis off “The Biggest Loser,” and throw his ass in there on DeMarcus Ware.
San Diego (-3) over Kansas City. Stop the madness. Phil Rivers steps up and has his first normal game of 2011.
Grossy: Record, 18-15-2.
New Orleans (-14) over St. Louis. Normally New Orleans terrifies me in road games like this, but St. Louis is really in bad shape right now. Mr. Heather Mitts is still starting. Their offense isn’t good enough to put pressure on the Saints (who should run wild like they did last week against Indy), and Drew Brees was insane last Sunday night. He’s been accurate all year and last week we saw what can happen against a bad team when he limits mistakes. Too many weapons in New Orleans. Rout City.
Baltimore (-13) over Arizona. Have I seen the Ravens play offense? Unfortunately, yes. I think they were bad enough last week to realize they’ve been going at it wrong for a couple of weeks here. Also, the Jags were tough on defense. The Cardinals on the road will not be. What is constant is the performance of the Ravens defense, who will shut down the Beanie-less running game and make Kevin Kolb look like a poor man’s Timmmm Rosenbach.
New England (-3) over Pittsburgh. This will be Bill Belichick’s friendly reminder that the Steelers aren’t that good. The Patriots blew Pittsburgh off the field last year with their offense, and the exact same thing is going to happen this time around. Sure, the Steelers will score some points. Go ahead and feel good about Mike Wallace, but they’ll be chasing the beast. The Pats have had a bye-week, it’s just not a good spot for the Steel City. Also, the Steelers best win is against the Titans. For reference. The team that lost a billion to 7 last week.
Philadelphia (-3.5) over Dallas. I think I’m too close to this one listening to Philly talk all week, but the Monday night game is not an option it’s so putrid and involves the Chargers on the road, so this is my 0-5 safety net. I think Philly has talked themselves into Dallas being better than they are. Dallas has their own problems. Let’s not get carried away with DeMarco Murray. That was the Rams. Ryan Torain was supposed to gash the Birds for 220 yards, too. Dough Boy’s post-bye record has to mean something and to keep the theme going, Dallas’ best win is a loss. To New England. If the Birds were in serious trouble, the line would have dropped.
Detroit (-3) over Denver. I’m terrified that Stafford won’t play the whole game, but a spite pick is a spite pick, is a spite pick. I think they’re still 2-1 this year. I’d have to check the records. You can get however jacked up you want about Tebow. That was a once in a career type miracle. Fact remains, the Broncos would have been losing 15-0 to Hofstra last weekend. All Timmy’s pre-game cheerleading led to the worst 3 quarters of football I’ve ever seen. Detroit knows it has to get back on track. Ndamakong Suh calls for the cart early and often.
Commissioner’s D.A. Top-10:
- A.J. Feeley–You saw Painter against NO, right?
- Matt Moore–Official Name Change, to “Sack/Fumble” Moore
- Kevin Kolb–Skelton!
- Tim Tebow–Secret: Denver has no plays.
- Seattle/Whiteknuckles–Play Dan McGwire, who cares.
- Colt McCoy–S.F. ain’t any easier than Seattle.
- Blaine Gabbert–Off tackle right, off tackle left.
- John Beck–Go Leafs, Go.
- Curtis Painter–Bounce Back week.
- Andy Dalton–Seattle’s a house of horrors.
All right, that’s it everyone. Get your D.A. Picks in. Enjoy Halloween. Gorge yourself. Send in pics of any classic costumes you see. I think there’s some type of clock adjustment too. Look alive. See you Monday.