Mid-Week Mailbag.

Mailbag is back after a bloated holiday edition.  No questions about the Kindle this week!  Maybe we can get back into that next week, maybe not.  I’m not sure yet.  It’s all about the readers.  Your questions dictate how good or bad this post is, so feel the pressure.  And, when you all come up a little short, I supplement and cultivate.  Let’s see what is on the tips of tongues this week…

Q:  If you had a restaurant or something of that nature, would you allow non-customers to use the bathroom?   I am not in this position, but I don’t know how you can look at another person and tell them they can’t use the old water closet.  Seems like a dick move.  Mary Prescott, Johnsville, PA.  

A:  I also have never lorded over a bathroom.  It’s on my bucket list.  Especially if there were a key involved.  Oh, you want the key?  Tough luck, I deem you UNWORTHY.  I think the problem here is, if you open up your bathroom to one person, you have to maintain that policy.  Then vagrants from three counties will be using your restroom.  You’ll have some hobo symbol carved on your door frame that lets the occasional passerby know you are liberal with your can policy.  I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure paying customers don’t like to wait for the bathroom while Homeless Hank paper towels his armpits.  So, that’s really who’s at fault here.  It’s the highfalutin customers and not the poor owners who are just trying to squeeze out a living.  If it was me, I’d go case by case basis.  If someone comes in on their last nerve with a kid who let it happen in their Osh-Koshes, then I probably yield.  If it’s some weirdo who looks like he’s going to set up shop?  Try the Wawa, Buddy.  

Q:  Why are people on television shows and movies always charging into the ocean, pools, etc. when they are fully clothed?  In a word, it’s troubling.  Shannon T. Shack, Manakin Sabot, VA.  

A:  This is a reality show staple.  I think the idea is to make the people at home feel badly about their lives.  Oh my god, look at these two love birds!  They’re so caught up in the moment that they’ve thrown caution, and the rules of suede to the wind.  Drink in their carefree attitude.  Then the person on the couch says, I wish I had someone to charge into the ocean with.  Then they call the girl a slut and go back to eating ice cream.  That’s just a thumbnail.  An approximation of what happens.  That’s what I DO.  Of course, in real life, the chick would be like, “Oh, Hell Naw.  I just got these boots at DSW for $47.99.”  So, unless you have a wardrobe department, a change of clothes and a camera crew–no, this isn’t something that’s ever going to happen in real life.  In real life, you just strip down and get weird.  

Q:  What’s the most random sports event you’ve ever gotten into?  The other day I found myself with a rooting interest in televised bowling.  Then, I snapped out of it and put the Real Housewives back on.  Fritz Mathis, Odessa, TX.  

A:  I’ve gotten into bowling.  Some of those bowlers can be real ASSES, and you want them to look foolish.  Nice bowling glove, Mullet.  Good luck with that split.  I don’t think bowling is that bad.  I have a pretty definitive answer to this.  It’s the America’s Cup.  A lot of people probably don’t even know what the America’s Cup is, and yet there was one year that I watched it religiously on ESPN.  It’s a yacht race.  For a 100 years some blue-blood skipper from Newport or something won the thing every year and no one cared.  Then, the United States lost.  NATIONAL TRAGEDY.  So, for a while there, people got all patriotic.  They made an epic sailing movie (Wind–a must see), and ESPN got on board.  I don’t think I was the only person following the outcome, but I might have been the only person watching.  Have you ever seen boats race on TV?  It’s NOT compelling.  They’re nowhere near each other, and they constantly show these graphic representations of where the boats are in relationship to each other.  It’s a little like watching your progress on a GPS.  That’s watching sailing on TV.  Luckily, my patriotism over the America’s Cup has waned.  

Q:  How creepy is it that when you type a woman’s name into Google the first thing in the auto-fill is always like, married, or boyfriend?  I mean, I know that’s what the internet is for in a way, but what are these guys checking?  Do they think the celebrity is going to date them?  May Showers, Houston, TX.

A:  Here’s some insight for you:  Yes, they think the celebrity is going to date them.  Wait, Mila Kunis is single?  Here’s where I swoop in for the kill.  Also, I think guys inherently like female celebs who are single more than married women.  It gives you that glimmer of hope.  You know, on the 0ff-chance that you happen to be swinging through the same Starbucks at some point and the fireworks GO OFF, you don’t have to worry about Ms. Starlet already being tied down.  And, also, newsflash this happens with guys too.  Go type Prince Harry into Google and see what comes up.  That’s right.  And, in conclusion, this could be some type of rudimentary test of your overall hotness.  Not every woman falls victim to this phenomenon on Google.  I type in Cond0leezza Rice and “Stanford” is the first thing that comes up.  Kate Upton on the other hand?  Boyfriend.  

Q: Pretty Die-Hard Red Sox fan here.  Any thoughts on Bobby Valentine?  I feel like the Sox should be able to make a bigger splash.  I still can’t believe we couldn’t wrestle John Farrell away from the Jays.  Quincy Cod, Boston, MA.  

A:  The amazing thing about Valentine is that all anyone remembers about the guy is that he put a fake mustache on in the dugout.  He’s really been away from the game for a long time in terms of MLB, so it’s a bit of an interesting signing.  I feel like managerial candidates this year were a bit like the starting pitchers.  The market wasn’t flush.  The guy who left Boston, Terry Francona, was the biggest name and he’s taking at least a year away.  There also seems to be a trend toward younger managers.  Do they fit better with the younger GMs?  Are teams tired of paying managers 2-3 million a year, when that money could be better spent on players?  I’m not sure.  And, it’s a decent victory for the Jays to hang onto Farrell.  It does feel like something the Sox assumed they could pull off.  As far as Valentine goes, he did have some success with the Mets, so it’s not like he’s incompetent.  The bigger problem for Boston is figuring out that pitching staff.  Valentine won’t be any help there.  

Q:  The holiday shopping season has officially begun.  You know how I know?  You can’t move two feet in a store without running into someone or something.  And, the worst offenders?  Parents who just let their kids roam free.  A kid was blatantly in my way the other day, the parent saw this, and did nothing.  If this is the case, do I have the right to sweep the leg?  I feel like I should.  Corporal Megan Punishment, Exton, PA.  

A:  I think stores should have corrals or something like that this time of year and you just dump your kid off with the rest of the heathens and beasts and get your shopping done.  No one should have to be subjected to your kid clogging up the aisles and grabbing things off the shelves.  Can I have this?  No, but you can have a boot in your ass.  In all honesty, I sympathize with people who have to drag their kids along.  I’m sure they’d rather be shopping in peace, but they can’t, because little Timmy probably has a reputation with every babysitter in town.  You’ve got to keep your kid in check, though.  For their own safety.  People are out there with pepper spray lighting up crowds, the old Corporal here wants to sweep the leg–It’s not your grandmother’s Toys R’ Us.  That’s for sure.  So, if your kid is camped out in the middle of the aisle, just yank them out of the way.  They’ll get over it.  

Q:  Would you ever “occupy” anything?  Seems futile to me.  Plus, tents?  No thanks.  Juan Percent, Villanova, PA.  

A:  No, I don’t think you’d ever see me downtown with the Occupy people.  Is there wi-fi down there?  And, I’ve never even been in a tent.  Not even as a joke at a sporting goods store or something.  I’m trying to think of what could possibly get me that fired up, that I would have no choice but to protest.  Perhaps if Entenmann’s discontinued the Raspberry danish, I might be forced to go camp out in their parking lot.  Of course, they’d probably just lure me inside with the promise of crumb donuts and all would be FORGOTTEN.  No, I think it takes a certain mentality to get caught up in a protest, and I am not of that personality.  I’m not real thrilled with the economy or the political climate of the country, but I don’t think camping out is going to help any of that.  Maybe I’ll run for mayor instead.  

 

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9 thoughts on “Mid-Week Mailbag.

  1. Bobby V will be interesting. He’s certainly nothing like Francona.

    And, curling, for sure. We need more sports with brooms.

      • anything with horses or dogs, entertaining (i have a big threshold). cats die off too quickly…interest wise.

        and um, did anyone see the E channel this morning…apparently there is OSCAR buzz for a 9 yo Jack Russell starring in the silent film, “The Artist”

        the dog was on E news, this morning. honestly, i think his performance is pretty standard.

        Q

  2. running for mayor? would that be like a remake of bad santa, but just a different context?

    anyhow, another fascinating week at mail bag. you answered a few questions i had re: Bobby V (and WTCuss). thanks, though…i can now officially concede lingering interest in that ball club. pedroia the final string of attachment and that good base stealer who is native american, forget his name, but i like him too.

    and hey, you know about the Iphone ap where you can locate the nearest public potty? i do, but i still dislike the Iphone with 88% of my body water. which is like 78% of me. and
    “You’ll have some hobo symbol carved on your door frame that lets the occasional passerby know you are liberal with your can policy.”…saw something like this on Mad Men. good application.

    finally, just for the record. the potential girl in such “let’s dive into water” scenarios (and really they do that on reality tv??) actually has a position like “top? eh, i can replace it…rest of this good will get-up? can upscale it…but the boots are usually priced at under 20 dollars and regardles, no way, no how i’d mess with messin’ up pleather made in China comfort.”

    Q

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