For some reason I got to thinking about Pop Tarts. I used to eat a lot of Pop Tarts. They were my preferred after school snack. Strawberry. No icing. The icing on Pop Tarts was disgusting. If you like that junk I feel sorry for you. It’s about the only scenario I can think of where I turn down icing. Usually even your standard canned, or mass-produced grocery store cake icing is OK. You can live with it. Not Pop Tart icing, though. What always struck me about the Pop Tart was how difficult they were to toast. You don’t want to over-toast them because then the filling turns into hot magma and you’ll burn your tongue…badly. Also, you don’t want to burn the edges. The Pop Tart was great at locating hot spots in your toaster, because it would all be perfect except for one part of the edge, which would be singed like someone had taken a pass with a blowtorch.
If they are that delicate, you think, err on the side of caution. Take that nonsense out early. But, I can’t go for the lukewarm Pop Tart. And, I certainly can’t eat them cold. Every time I’d be at lunch and someone would whip out that telltale foil package and dive into a cold Pop Tart it’d make me cringe a little bit. For me it’d be like taking an Eggo out of the freezer and just diving in. Why? And, how? How can you eat that cold? But, people LOVE cold Pop Tarts. It’s their preferred method of eating America’s favorite toaster treat.
I blame this on bad parenting. Some kid is about to leave for school. Their parent let them sleep in until 3 minutes before the bus or allowed them to play video games all morning. They haven’t eaten. It dawns on them they don’t want to be the parent that sends their kid to school on an empty stomach, so they shove the Pop Tart package into the kid’s hands and send them to the bus stop.
“But, Mommy, they’re not toasted!”
“They’re fine that way. Shut up and go before you miss the bus.”
Thus, the kid starts eating cold Pop Tarts out of desperation and eventually acquires a taste. That’s the only reasonable scenario I can drum up in my mind. The Pop Tart is at the top of the list of foods that some people eat cold, but I need to be hot for proper enjoyment. Again, the main culprits here will be bad parenting and laziness. Here are the big 5. Foods you gotta keep piping hot.
1. Pop Tarts–see above.
2. Pizza. To people that say they prefer Pizza cold, I say that is utter poppycock. Now, I can eat a piece of pizza when it’s cold-ish. Like, 1/2 hour after it gets there you decide, “Yep. I AM going to have that last piece.” It’s still retaining some heat at that point. I’m talking about taking it out of the fridge the next day and shoving into right into your teeth container. It gives me the chills just thinking about it. I can dabble in some tomato pie, but throw the cheese and topping into the mix and I’ve got to say, NO. And, people just don’t want to take the time to heat it up. More laziness. Of course, putting it the microwave is actually worse.
3. Pasta. Perhaps you’ve heard the terms “wet noodle,” or “limp noodle.” They are not positive images. This is what I think of when I think of cold pasta. And, ok, I’ll admit that if it is done properly you can probably reduce the “slimy” factor, but I don’t even like pasta that much when you go back for a 2nd helping. Or god forbid you’ve got a draft going through your dining room. By the time you get to the edges of the plate you’re talking ice cube rotini. Plus cold pasta gets mixed with weird things. Very strange things. Keep it warm, keep it classy.
4. Potatoes. There’s nothing worse than going to a game and grabbing a carton of fries only to find out they were made during batting practice. That one fry on top that’s close to the heat lamp is room temperature and all the others are freezing cold. I actually had fries at the Winter Classic. In 30 mph winds up on the 400 level. They cooled off quickly. Delivery fries must be re-heated. And, it’s so simple. They snap right back to life. The french fry is, of course, the best cold potato. Potato salad? Hell naw.
5. Rice. This is all about people shoving in your face how much they like cold Chinese food. Oh, it’s BETTER the next day. Shut up. I dislike everything about the leftover Chinese food cliche. Oh, the only thing in my fridge is expired milk and Chinese Food containers. I said, shut the hell up.
**Playoff Locks coming later this afternoon.