Well, the Phillies have hit five homeruns in their last 10 innings. At that pace, they’ll hit 648 more homers this season. That would be a record. It was nice to watch the Phils get a win last night. They’ll try for a .500 trip this afternoon, which is pretty remarkable considering it already feels like they went 2-8 if you listen to the fans. Just hop on Laynce Nix’s back and set your sights on the 1st place Nationals. Little tougher pitching matchup today, but the Phils will counter with Cole Hamels. How about a mailbag to get you in the mood for the matinee?
Q: I’ve been waiting a good 18 months for you to go to a storage auction and report back on your findings. How has this not happened? Please tell me it’s in the works. M.T. Locker, San Diego, CA.
A: It’s not in the works. Who do you think you’re talking to here? I certainly could not do something so ENTERPRISING on my own. Just wander into a storage auction with no knowledge, with no wingman, with no one to show me the ropes? Not happening. I assume you are addicted to Storage Wars. I’m partially addicted. If I could shoot over to Public Storage Exton and Barry, Dave and the crew would be there, then I’d certainly attend. I might even ask for an autograph. But I get the impression your local auction is not like the ones they show on TV. I think 9 times out of 10 it’ll be thirty schleps standing around bidding on particle board, mystery Hefty bags and loose CDs. There goes some of the luster of Storage Wars, no? That said, if someone wants to invite me along, I’d absolutely go. Just don’t expect me to help you sell the used Queen mattress you pick up for $375.
Q: I heard the other day that Tiger’s son Charlie is quite the little toddler golf prodigy. This kid’s got no chance of a golf career, right? Wouldn’t he be suffocated to death the first time he qualified for the US Amateur? Brandi Chamblee, Jacksonville, FL
A: This rumor was started by the legendary Tida Woods, the Woods family matriarch. She said that little Chuckles Woods was better as a 3-year old than Tiger was at the same age. Not exactly a scientific finding, but it stands to reason that Charlie Woods would have a decent amount of natural talent. His dad is OK. History hasn’t been too kind to the children of superstar athletes. Two of Jack Nicklaus’ sons had modest professional careers and from what I understand his grandchildren are much more into SWEET LAX than golf. Some famous sons of golfers had fathers who were good players, but not great. Guys like David Duval or Davis Love III surpassed their father’s accomplishments, but no one was hounding them since birth saying, “OH MY GOD, THERE GOES BOB DUVAL’S SON.” I can’t imagine the amount of attention Charlie Woods would get if he became a golf phenom. It would be, as you say, suffocating. I’ll say this, Charlie Woods has a better chance of having a golf career than YOUR KID, but I still wouldn’t make any ambitious futures bets on him picking up a green jacket.
Q: Do you ever wander what dogs and/or cats do when they are left home alone? Assuming they aren’t put in a cage, would you want to see surveillance camera footage of what goes on while you’re away? Goldie Labb, Springfield, IL
A: If you watch that footage—you can never go back. If your dog hops up on the bed and starts humping your pillow, you can’t erase that memory. It happened. If your cat is gallivanting around the counter and licking everything in your utensil canister, again, you can’t turn back time. These are extreme and disturbing examples, though. I don’t think your cat actually does that, even though some people think cats are EVIL. The truth is, your pets probably sleep the majority of the time while you’re away. There’s nothing subtle about a dog. If he/she was getting into things while you were gone, you’d know. Dogs can’t cover their tracks for s—t. They don’t have our conspiring minds. The reason they sleep all day while you’re gone is so they can annoy the hell out of you when you get home. If you want your dog to sleep when you sleep, it probably needs to be awake while you’re awake and not crushing the couch while you crush your 9 to 5. What I’d really like to see is footage of the dogs that can’t be trusted to roam free in the house. Watching the decision process that leads to a destroyed couch cushion would be fascinating.
Q: Don’t you think pizza boxes should come with little legs you can pop out so it sits level on the seat of your car? I mean, how much more could a little more cardboard cost? Dee Livery, Aston, PA.
A: For decades people have been waging a war against cheese slide. Bringing a pizza home is rife with danger and requires PRECISE timing. If you get to the pizza place too early, the cheese will still be mobile and in danger during the car ride. If you get there too late, you might be enjoying a pizza that isn’t QUITE hot enough when you get home. Pizza places are aware of this phenomenon, and they’ve responded with the two most useless inventions in the history of time. The delivery bag and the mini plastic table that keeps the lid off the cheese…I’d love to hear a story about either of these working. They’re just for your peace of mind. Oh, look at us trying hard with our little plastic tables. It’s all HORSEBLEEP. As far as your idea—I’ve heard worse. We’ve all tried to do the pizza box balancing act when bringing the pie home solo. In this case the safety of the pizza SUPERCEDES your own safety. Are car seats uniform enough that your legs would work? Or, would it just exacerbate the problem? How about this? The Shotgun Pizza Beanbag Table. It’s flat and firm on one side, and soft and beanbag pliable on the other. You mold the beanbag into your shotgun seat and then place the pizza on the flat top surface. Problem solved! Or else, just bring someone along to get the pizza.
Q: Are there any honest people in professional sports? This Saints thing keeps getting more egregious, but it makes you wonder—is anyone out there not cutting corners? Some sports like track and cycling are jokes in regard to PEDs, football is apparently a hotbed for espionage, can we safely assume that golfers are fluffing their lies in the rough when we aren’t looking? Pete Rows, Cincinnati, OH.
A: Competitiveness causes people to do crazy things. And people involved in sports seem to think they’re always going to get away with something. Secret tapes? Bounties? Steroids? You can’t catch me. I’m the gingerbread man. I don’t want to get too morose about this, though. Let’s try to keep a grasp on some of our naïve sensibilities. If we get too cynical about sports, what’s the point? Are NFL coaches looking for edges? Sure, but does it really matter? We’ve got to let some things slide, right? The little things? There’s a nice little double-standard when it comes to how we conduct ourselves and how we expect professional athletes to conduct themselves. I’d say 1 in 10 recreational golfers even approaches playing by the rules. We cheat at board games when we’re playing with our families for no stakes, is it honestly that surprising that things get shady when millions of dollars are on the line? As long as health and safety aren’t compromised, I think we don’t necessarily ignore what’s going on, but there’s no need to get up on a very tall horse, either.
Q: If you could open up a restaurant that was guaranteed to be successful, but you didn’t like any of your own food, would you do it? Ty Fusion, Hartford, CT
A: I’m not really in a position to turn down successful business ventures. This is an interesting dilemma, though. I think part of the fun of owning a restaurant is being passionate about the fare and maybe sampling more than your share of the offerings. But the problem with that is, are your tastes representative of what a mass audience would like? Sometimes I think about what I’d serve in a restaurant and it sounds great to me, but would anyone else like the food? Would it be something you’d want to order at a restaurant? I DON’T KNOW. I think a trap you could get into when owning an eatery is thinking your food is better than it actually is, just because you happen to LOVE IT. If you think of it that way, the scenario you propose might actually be best. You can’t muck things up if you don’t taste the food. You’ve got your customers, so be grateful, and take yourself down the road to Arby’s for your own dinner. So, yeah, I’m totally OK with this. If 3-Putt’s Sushi Castle wants to take off—I’m on board.
Q: If there was a reality show about your life, how long do you think it would stay on the air? Geoff Probst, Hollywood, CA.
A: Oh, decades upon decades. I’m fascinating. Every person I know is fascinating. People should be falling all over themselves to listen to my thoughts while I sit on the couch watching Sportscenter. Isn’t that the world we live in? Isn’t that why you read this blog? Honestly, I think I’ve got enough material to get through a pilot. I’d put on a good little show, introduce all my best friends, drown everyone in a sea of inside jokes and catchphrases….and then that’d be about it. Release the DVD Box Set! It’s over. When you boil it down, you only need to create about 22 interesting minutes a week. That doesn’t sound like a tall order, but 22 minutes is a long time. I know a couple of people who could produce at least a season’s worth of shows—if not more. They’re closer to the fringes of society. They create fascinating tales of adventure simply by going out on the town. I’m more of an observer by nature. So, if there comes a time when I hit the small screen, you can probably go ahead and save the room on your DVR.