8 Things I’ve Decided To Say About the Olympics.

Class, Class, Class All the Way.

Technically, the Olympics have started.  The highly touted American women’s soccer team dismissed France the other day and women’s team archery is also underway.  But, I’m sure you already knew that.  All this action takes place before tonight’s opening ceremonies, which is a bit of a divisive event.  I would bet you have at least one female relative who thinks the Opening Ceremonies is the best television EVER.  Others will be bored to tears after twenty minutes.  Most will tune in though, regardless, because you want to see that torch lit and you want to see the funny hats.  On that note…

1.  Who will light the torch?  Does the United Kingdom have any famous athletes?  ZING.  Does Sir Nick Faldo have a chance?  Probably not.  What I’ve decided is that I do not care who lights the flame as long as it isn’t Beckham.  It can’t be Beckham.  According to some light research, the favorites appear to be Sir Steve Redgrave (5 straight rowing gold medals), Daley Thompson (two-time decathlon gold medalist), and Roger Bannister.  If Hugh Grant is unavailable, I’d go with Bannister.  

2.  Can we have a brief discussion on why the United States team always wears berets?  Or a version of the beret?  

Melo’s Face Tells the Beret Story.

I’m not sure what about putting on a suit says, let’s top this sumbitch off with a beret.  Do the uniforms require headgear?  I know that the United States has trotted out several cowboy hats in the past, because that’s what we are–deep down–a bunch of ranch hands, but the beret has taken over in recent years.  Are we over thinking it?  I think we are.  I’d honestly rather see the athletes in snapbacks, at least we can attribute that horrible look to the United States.  

3.  Speaking of ‘Melo and KD, and LeBron and Kobe–this is the best American basketball team in some time.  I don’t like NBA basketball, but you know what I know what I like less?  Scrappy, horsebleep, jacked up lane, incorrect 3-pt line,  International basketball.  The only drawback for the American side is that they’re led by Coach K.  We put aside those feelings for the sake of patriotism, though.  It’s gold medal or bust for both of our basketball teams.  No excuses.   And we’ll hope there’s no repeat of the greatest officiating abortion in the history of sports on its 40-year anniversary.  

4.  Usually I would say that you have to pick between two competitors.  You can’t be a fan of Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte.  You can’t be “equally happy” for both of them.  You can’t hope they tie.  This is gutless fan mentality.  It’s  the type of thinking that has penetrated Little Leagues across the country.  But, for the sake of the Olympics, I’ll allow you to wrap yourself in the flag.  You can go ahead and celebrate regardless of whether Phelps or Lochte wins their showdowns.  I will pick one myself, but I’m still flip-flopping.  Usually, Phelps’ dominance would turn me off, but in recent weeks it seems like everyone is picking at Phelpsy.  His fellow swimmers, the media, perhaps we need one more reminder of the greatness before he fades away.  

5.  Usain Bolt better do some crazy, fast sh*t.  Bolt set the standard, now he has to live up to it.  I’m not sure what Bolt could do to top his 2008 performance when he won with ease and celebrated with meters to go, but he better figure it out.  I’m hoping this whole stiff back thing is a bit of a ruse, something to create a little drama.  You know what would be interesting?  A handicap.  Set up Usain’s starting block 5 meters behind the actual start line.  

6.  I think everyone has a random Olympic sport that they like to watch.  In the winter games, I can’t get enough Bobsled.  I love it.  It’s so random.  In the summer games, I go with water polo.  I have no reason to like water polo.  I can barely swim.  I usually avoid pools at all costs, but hey, this is the Olympics.  Also, Mike Emrick, one of the great announcers in any sport covers water polo for NBC.

7.  You’ve got to keep an eye on the Medal Table.  This is something I remember doing as a kid.  The patriotism started at a very young age.  In 1992 my two biggest enemies were Soda Popinski and The Unified Team.  What the hell was the Unified Team?  Cheaters!  You aren’t one country any more!  I demand a recount.  Anyway, the Russians and former Russian states don’t “get after” the Olympics quite as hard as they used to.  Now the Chinese team is the new rival.  For the next few weeks I’m going to be staunchly anti-Chinese.  I suggest you join me.  

8.  The Olympics will be available in their entirety online.  You can watch all 302 medal ceremonies.  Other than the web machine, the games will broadcast on NBC, NBC Sports, MSNBC, Bravo–you know pretty much every random channel that NBC owns.  You should actually be able to see a decent amount of the sports you want to watch, assuming the time differential is not a problem for you and you have tons of free time.  Here’s a place to peruse the TV listings.  The first must-see event after tonight’s pomp is the 400 IM Final tomorrow night.  I finally decided.  Team Lochte!



11 thoughts on “8 Things I’ve Decided To Say About the Olympics.

  1. I’m on board with Lochte. There’s something about Phelps that I don’t like. It may have been the comment he made the other day that he doesn’t enjoy getting into the water and how he hates practicing, etc. Lochte thoroughly enjoys it. Give me the guy who cares that much more.

    My random event: Gymnastics. Sh*t you not. I think they’re freaks of nature and it blows my mind how they can do the things they do.

    For the men, I can’t get enough of the rings. When I was doing some physical therapy I had to do pull ups on rings. It was brutal. I can’t imagine suspending yourself horizontally in the air or doing a GD handstand up there. Hell, I can’t do a handstand on the ground.

    For the chicks I like the uneven bars. Always a risk of banging a limb and taking a bad spill.

    On a different note: Here’s some action from St. Andrews.

  2. Nice. Nice. The pants didn’t disappoint. I give you a lot of credit. I would have hit the hotel.

    Also like the springer spaniel punt return video.

  3. I think Freddie was inspired by Dub’s video of sick ballstriking. To be fair I am being serious. With people watching and taking video of me on the first tee at St. Andrews? Almost certainly I am taking out 3 iron and bleeding a safety shimmy out there a buck seventy five. And on 17, I am thinking I probably wouldn’t hit the hotel because there is 100% certainty I would smother a rope hook into the left gorse.

    • On the first hole I absolutely snip hooked my ball. It took of straight and then about 150 yards later it went dead left. If they didn’t have a record rainfall I would have been OB or in the burn. Fortunately I only had 142 left and hit a 9 iron to 15 feet, 2 putts and a par. Literally was shaking on the first tee by the way.

      I was terrified after the hook, but the caddie said the best thing he could have said all day: “If you’re going to miss, miss left.” He wasn’t BSing me either. The left side is wide open thanks to double fairways and greens.

  4. Too bad you have to putt in golf. Fred really could have been something. What a classy display of ball-striking. Pure as the driven snow. Plus, he’s in the Open field for next year, which will be cool. I can’t describe how hard I was pulling for him a couple weeks ago at the US Senior Open. If he got into Merion, I may have literally skipped.

    I think what you don’t see in that video is the ball almost going OB left on the 1st hole. He hides it well. But, classy work through the finish. And, if I hit a shot that bad on the first tee I would have to just walk off the course, because I would be cooked for the day.

  5. im very anti-lochte. i heard he refers to his facebook or twitter as “lochte nation” … thrilled he’s been doing poorly the last couple days

  6. can we get missy franklin out there for the gymnastics team final please? don’t wanna take any chances out there. ESPECIALLY since china is talking about landing on the moon. gotta swing this momentum back our way ASAP.

  7. It’s pretty much impossible to make it through the entire day without knowing who won what at the Olympics. So why does NBC insist on televising the tape delay at night as if there were actual drama? Why don’t they instead make the nightly show a package of “these are the most amazing things that happened today in any sport?” Then we could actually see some amazing athletic accomplishments instead of lots of puffy pretend drama. It’s really not that much fun to watch some random Russian child falter on television and burst into tears.

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