It’s been a big 24 hours for the U.S. Olympic Team. Before the games started, most projections had the U.S. squeaking out a slim win in the medal count over China. Through the first 10 days of the games, China kept nosing in front. Meanwhile we got shut out in men’s boxing. AND SAILING. We got skunked in men’s beach volleyball and we still stink out loud at table tennis. I felt like we were well behind pace and we were getting ready for a 4-year inferiority complex. You’d think at some point, China, with their billions of people will pass us by in the medal count, but the U.S. Team has bucked up the last couple of days and stretched out to a 10 medal lead after Thursday’s action. That’s more like it. I’m beyond hyped. To collect myself, to let things settle, I’m going to write a mailbag.
Q: Is the pizza bagel the worst incarnation of both the pizza and the bagel? Finn Agelabagel, Tyler, TX.
A: All I can think of right now is, “Pizza in the morning, Pizza in the evening, Pizza at supper time. When pizza’s on a bagel….you can have pizza ANYTIME!” That was a tremendous, if flawed, jingle. The great part of it is, there’s really no difference from frozen pizza bagels and a box of Red Baron. It’s all frozen pizza. Very mediocre frozen pizza. I love people who think pizza bagels are healthy. It’s on a BAGEL! It probably has the same nutritional value as a pizza doughnut. I’ll tell you what purpose the pizza bagel serves. It’s a bailout for when you end up in some jerk-off bagel shoppe (it’ll be spelled that way–trust me) that thinks it’s reinventing modern cuisine. The menu (it’ll be written on a chalkboard in flowery lettering) is going to be full of sh*t like, “Goat cheese and bok choy tofu melt with aged guyere on a gluten-free soy bagel.” You’re going to be horrified, terrified. And then you’ll see it. The Pizza Bagel. You can just order one of those sumbitches on a plain bagel and get on WITH YOUR DAY. A bagel is not a proper crust for a pizza though, so it’s up there with your worst possible pizzas, but as far as worst incarnation of the bagel? I think you can do worse. How about an everything bagel? What is that horsebleep? Are you a toddler that mixes all the sodas together at Burger King? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Q: So, I peeped your outfits from the JSO last weekend. Good times. My question is, is it more embarrassing to show up at a very fancy course looking like a slob, or to a terrible public course like Pickering decked out in a $200 Tiger replica outfit? Wick Moisture, Tampa, FL.
A: Just in case you’ve never been to a very fancy course, allow me to inform you that there will be people there–Members–who dress like slobs. For some rich people this is their thing. They show up in rumpled khakis, a shirt that looks like it has been stored in their glove compartment. The idea, I THINK, because I always like to look freshly pressed, is that they are evolved above the notion of fancy, crisp-looking clothes. They’re like, “Clothes, oh god, who cares about that stuff…” Meanwhile, the wrinkled shirt is from cussing Hickey Freeman or some such horsebleep. They’ll also take you out and give you a tour of their mid-nineties, 7-series BMW with cigarette burns on the leather. “It’s just a car…YOU KNOW?” I totally know. As far as the people who show up to Pickering looking like a Nike catalog? I want to say that’s more embarrassing, because really–take that money and go play Glen Mills, or Wyncote–get crazy. But, at the end of the day, it’s just because they are trying TOO HARD. Maybe they aren’t good at golf, maybe they can’t afford to play the nicest courses, but they’ll splurge on an outfit, because they want to LOOK THE PART. It’s hard to give people sh*t for something like that. Bottom line, any time you show up at any golf course trying to draw attention to yourself with your outfit (unless it’s the JSO)–that’s embarrassing. Who am I kidding? The JSO is embarrassing as hell.
Q: I was on Grantland today and they’re bringing back the bad quarterback league. They even have a logo this year. Does D.A. Fantasy Football have a logo? Derrick Andersen, Cleveland, OH.
A: A logo? What are we making T-shirts? Of course there isn’t a logo. If you want to know what D.A. Fantasy Football is about, go to Derek Anderson’s career game log. Somewhere, among those storied stats you’ll see the reason this all came about. Grantland’s league is all about flash. Their scoring system is an abortion. Oh, you get points for getting arrested? That’s adorable. Derek Anderson doesn’t get arrested. DEREK ANDERSON THROWS INTERCEPTIONS. I don’t care if Jay Cutler impregnates the entire cast of The Hills (ok, I’d care a little bit if it was LC) and ends up with his own reality show. The only thing I want to know about Jay Cutler is, does he THROW INTERCEPTIONS? Does he still have FOUR CHINS? That’s important. The rest of that garbage is just window dressing. Anyone with a functioning brain knows the D.A. scoring system does a far better job of identifying the worst QB in the NFL. In fact, I got an email from Jon Skelton last year and all it said was, “Thank you. Now I know.” No problem, Helter Skelton*. All this said, we have a rare opportunity for 2012. A spot has opened up in D.A. Fantasy Football. Just one choice position. So, if you read this, and didn’t already run through a wall with excitement, let me know if you want in on a real league.
*Copyright Kraft, 2011.
Q: I watched the US vs. Australia hurdles finish and I don’t understand how these tight races are decided. The American’s arm seemed to cross first, but the Australian’s foot? Does it matter which body part crosses? Belle Hossler, Phoenixville, PA.
A: I’ve been operating under the assumption my entire life that any part of your body that crosses the line counts. I thought it was like breaking the plane with the ball when scoring a TD. As it turns out, I was QUITE WRONG. I’m going to now relay an answer I saw on the internet, which also could be complete horse bleep. It sounds official, though. It says, head, arms and legs do not stop the clock. You need to get that toned midsection across the line first–maybe a shoulder. Perhaps some of our numerous track experts can check in with a quick remedial course on the photo finish. When I watch a hurdles race I think of questions like, how the hell do they jump those things? Amazing. I guess the whole thing would be a lot easier if we ran like horses. Then we’d know that you win by the nose.
Q: Chris Johnson said today he could beat Usain Bolt in a 40-yd dash. This comes on the heels of Micky Rourke claiming he beat Bolt in a race after a night of drinking. Are the wrong people racing Bolt? Are we missing out on some epic battles here?
A: Usain Bolt has one of the biggest egos I’ve ever encountered. And, really, how couldn’t he? The guy is without a doubt the best at something. We’re not sure who the best quarterback ever was, or who the best hitter of all-time is. But, thanks to a handy-dandy thing called a “clock,” we can know for certain that Bolt is the fastest man to ever run 100 meters. That has to be some feeling. And, Bolt BARELY TRIES. He’s just loping along. He celebrates before he gets to the finish line. This is the kind of stuff that builds a big ego. Now, think about the kind of ego it takes to think you are faster than the unquestioned fastest man who ever lived. It’s not like Chris Johnson said, “I’d like to get Bolt on a football field.” He said, 40 yards–he’s coming out on top. Bolt certainly starts slower than he finishes. Forty yards hardly would give him a chance to get going. There may be some WORLD CLASS sprinters out there that could get the better of Usain for a few seconds, but last time I checked Chris Johnson wasn’t running heats in the Olympic Trials. He’s fast–for a guy in the NFL. With pads on, maybe he’d have a chance of keeping it close, but there’s no way Bolt loses a race to a civilian. He always breaks out enough speed to win–then celebrates.
Q: I’m so tired of people bitching about the Olympics being on tape-delay. I understand why it’s a nuisance, but can you just shut up about it, already? Wanted to see them live? Hop a flight to London. What it made me think is, it’s really the fault of the internet. And that made me think, what good is the internet anyway? I mean, really–what is it good for? Robert Kostis, New Haven, CT.
A: First and foremost, I’d say blogs. I do dislike many things about the internet. I hate what it’s done to my attention span. I found myself looking at my phone while waiting for my computer to boot up the other day. I couldn’t wait those precious seconds. I needed to check sh*t out on my phone’s browser. That’s so embarrassing. I want to say, get A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN, and then throw all my electronics into the river. I won’t do that, though. Another thing I dislike about the internet is that it’s made me aware of how awful sports fans are. Across the board. All cities. All sports. All we do is whine and bitch, bitch and whine. We’re petty, classless, fair weather frauds. This is a generalization, but I think we were better off when sports didn’t come accompanied by the internet comment section. Sports bitching should be done among a small circle. It should be intimate. The internet has brought everyone into the circle and it just sucks the life out of most things. Take the Phillies’ 2011 season. That 102-win season wasn’t much fun. It should have been, but we spent all summer hearing about what the Phillies weren’t. Wouldn’t you take 102 wins this year? I think the bottom line is, the internet is a great thing, but humans aren’t responsible enough to use it. Who doesn’t like having the answer to every random question at the tip of their fingers? But, it never stops there. What I mean is, you can’t blame the internet. You have to blame the user. It’s not oil’s fault that it’s a fossil fuel and is useful in millions of products. It’s our fault for abusing the resource, poisoning the planet, starting wars over it and not being smart enough to look into alternatives. I’m not ready to give up on the internet, but I MIGHT delete my Facebook account. I’ve already pretty much abandoned Twitter. Hard part’s over.