Mid-Week Mailbag.

I’ll Wear This Again…Never.

How about that football game last night?  The good thing about a Cowboys/Giants game is that I’ll always find some humor in the outcome? Did Romo blow it?  Did the Giants get spanked in their home opener?  It’s win-win in a way, but it was very difficult for me to watch the actual game without being repulsed.  I hate so many of those players.  I also have Dez Bryant on my fantasy team, so I spent a good portion of the 2nd half wondering why Tony Romo only had eyes for Ogletree.  That guy is getting abused on the waiver wire right now.  I wouldn’t rush to judgement.  Few teams will be as accommodating to a 3rd receiver.  I was a little disappointed I couldn’t pull the trigger on picking Dallas.  It was a pretty standard “New York looks too easy,” scenario and almost all the dumb money was on the G-Men.  Gives me a lot to think about before tomorrow.  In the meantime, a bag.  

Q:  If you were a retiring professional athlete would you opt for the farewell tour ala Chipper Jones, or go for something a little more abrupt–say Andy Roddick?  Don Mick Nabb, Chicago, IL.

A:  As I watch bits and pieces of Chipper’s tour around the National League, I can’t help but wonder if the Phillies are planning anything for Larry.  In every other National League city the fans have managed to acknowledge Chipper’s career, at least for a moment, and not create an ugly scene.  Is there any way this could happen in Philly?  I DON’T THINK SO.  Considering he’s dealt the Phillies two of their most crushing losses of the season, I’m pretty sure the fans will rain down boos if the team tries to give Chipper a parting gift.  But the question is, do I want to be Chipper or do I want to be Roddick?  For a player like Chipper, the farewell tour is inevitable.  So, even if you say it’s not his idea–he knew it was going to happen.  Did he want to feel all this sun on his face?  PROBABLY.  I’d like to think that I could do without a collection of trinkets from other cities.  I’d want to say goodbye to my home fans, but I don’t need a golf clap in Denver.  So, considering Roddick probably feels the U.S. Open is as close as he has to a “home court,” I’ll say I’d take his approach, knowing full well that my career would more likely end with a blurb in the transactions about my unconditional release.   

Tears in Queens and Brooklyn.

Q:  What’s the worst candy available in the aisle of your standard convenient store?  Cocoa Mounds, King of Prussia, PA.

A:  My initial reaction is to say, “Almond Joy.”  If I “invented” chocolate I would sue the makers of Almond Joy.  Coconut and almonds?  That’s a big, old, double HELL NO.  What is going through your mind when you eat an Almond Joy?  People that like the taste of coconut are full of HORSEFEATHERS.  Here’s a nightmare scenario for you:  getting coconut residue on your donut when they’re all mixed in a dozen box.  I’m fairly sure Dunkin Donuts switched to the flat box for this exact scenario, because if you were getting a coconut in the past, you might as well just get a dozen coconut.  That debris ends up EVERYWHERE.  So, Almond Joy is my first choice.  Runner-up?  Twizzlers pull and peel.  Why?  Because it’s so damn deceiving.  A quick glance and you might think you are getting real Twizzlers–no.  They are nothing like Twizzlers.  Different flavor.  Different texture.  My stomach is starting to turn.  Why must all non-Twizzlers “licorice” be awful?  I think an amendment should be added to the Wawa constitution that states if you approach the counter with Pull & Peel the clerk must ask you to sign a waiver assuring that is the licorice you want.  I guarantee 73% of all Pull & Peel purchases are accidental.  I’m still not over the last time I bought it.  

Q:  Is 40.5 games back a record?  And is there any reason for any team to be that terrible?  I just don’t get it.  I. B. Inked, Goochland, VA.

A:  Let me just check the NL East standings here…no, the Phillies aren’t 40 games out.  Oh, you must mean the Astros.  The poor, poor Astros.  They’ve dug themselves a bit of a hole, and with 25 games left I think it’s pretty safe to say this is a lost season.  Another in a long line of lost seasons.  The ‘Stros are far from being historic, though.  Baseball’s LONG season allows for such humiliating numbers.  In 1899 the Cleveland Spiders went 20-134 and finished 84 games out of 1st.  That’s winning about 3 games a month.  Yikes.  But, how about something a bit more modern?  The 1962 expansion Mets, widely considered one of the worst teams in modern times went 40-120 and finished 60.5 games out of 1st place.  That’s something for Houston to SHOOT FOR.  There’s an old baseball saying that says, “Everybody wins 50, everybody loses 50, what are you going to do with the rest?”  I don’t think I have to tell you that this statement is IDIOTIC on several levels, but the point is, it’s hard to lose more than 110 games.  The Mets did it with ease.  The Astros could be headed in that direction.  How did it happen?  The Astros were a model franchise not long ago, but some hard times and new owner have created a different mandate.  CUT THE PAYROLL.  The Astros have traded away every decent player they had over the past three seasons.  And, unlike other teams who have a small-market mentality, but win with homegrown players–the Astros did NOT have a good farm system.  So, essentially they are cheap and devoid of prospects.  Hence, 40.5 out.  

Q:  Is having a kegerator in your house the least practical idea ever, or the ultimate sign of masculinity?  Natty Barrel, Norman, OK.

A:  About a month ago I stumbled upon a college kid who was contemplating getting a kegerator for his apartment.  Where do college kids today get their disposable income?  MY LORD.  Anyway, I tried to list the numerous ways this was a terrible idea.  The cost.  The fact that it was ALMOST GUARANTEED to be broken by some idiot during the very 1st party.  The possibility that drunk people would try to steal it.  The fact that you don’t want to be the place that always has a keg.  I was making a great argument, but the only thing in this kid’s eyes was “I CAN HAVE A COLD KEG IN MY HOUSE AT ALL TIMES.”  Sometimes you just have to step back and let people make their own mistakes.  Every time we got a keg in college the place got absolutely DESTROYED.  Now, a kegerator is cleaner than your standard keg bucket, but some variables remain the same–like 40 strangers trashing your place.  In terms of the kegerator as an adult accessory?  There is something incredibly satisfying about pouring a draught beer, but for me–still too many negatives.  Even if you love a beer, do you really want a keg of it?  And, say you want to have parties–the thing only has 1 tap, so you’ve got beer line issues, you have to maintain a glass supply.  It’s troublesome.  I posted once about trying to get to the point where I had a well-stocked bar at my abode, but that’s different.  That’s low maintenance.  I think if you’re going for class, a dedicated beer fridge with a real nice variety kills a kegerator every day.  

Q:  Do you think politicians ever cringe when they get a celebrity endorsement.  When Nicki Minaj comes out pro-Romney–what kind of ripples does that create in his camp?  Bee Lister, Madison, WI.

A:  I’m sure there is some type of massive panic, followed by research on who Nicki Minaj is, followed by a long debate over whether Mitt should come out and say that he has Minaj’s FULL CATALOG on his iPod.  I’m sure there is a pecking order for celebrity endorsement, just as there is for political endorsement.  Clinton really drove it home for President Obama last night, and that’s big, because tons of people STILL LOVE Clinton.  I don’t think many people are going to go out and pull the lever for Romney because Nicki Minaj is on board.  I think it’s more of a curiosity.  Athletes are republicans.  Entertainers are democrats.  Isn’t that the rule?  Anyway, the whole idea of a celebrity endorsement is a bit troubling to me.  I’m not a voter, and part of the reason for that is the whole political process makes me ill.  The thought that someone would vote for a candidate based on someone else’s endorsement is idiotic.  I don’t care if it’s Bill Clinton or J-Lo–make up your own mind.   But as far as cringing goes?  I’m sure endorsements are like checks when it comes to politicians.  No matter the origin, they’ll find a way to utilize them.  

Q:  Do you think watches will ever be designed as strictly decorative pieces?  What I mean is, will someone try to sell something that looks like a watch, but doesn’t actually tell time?  Who checks the time on their watch theses days?  Thyme Peace, San Diego, CA.

A:  I suppose watches would be cheaper if you didn’t have to include a precise Swiss movement, but if you are going to wear one on your wrist–it might as well tell time, right?  I think they already make watches that don’t tell time–they’re called BRACELETS.  Is this a roundabout way of asking if I think it’s OK if you wear a bracelet?  GO RIGHT AHEAD.  I’m sure you’ll find it liberating.  I think some people still wear watches for the benefit of knowing what time it is.  I know it’s very easy to check your phone, or the screen of your computer, but it’s a lot more graceful to check your watch.  I used to wear a watch all the time, but since I started carrying a cell phone I only put my watch on every once in a while.  The truth is, I’ve gotten used to not wearing it.  It feels a bit CUMBERSOME when I strap it on.  It even looks a little odd.  What is this device on my wrist?  But, I think if you are an adult, a real adult, you probably wear a watch.  We don’t need another reason to look at our cell phones, do we?  



6 thoughts on “Mid-Week Mailbag.

  1. nice. hey, do you think jennifer aniston will endorse brad pitt when his ego runs for pres? i say, her kids might, but she wouldn’t. Q

  2. I think Aniston would publicly claim not to be interested in his political career, but then she’d vote for him. Hard.

  3. I converted a chest freezer into a 4 tap kegerator. Homebrew kegs are only 5 gallons (2 cases). It’s variety without the beer taking forever to finish.

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