Here we go. Back in the saddle again. I thought the protests surrounding last week’s lack of a mailbag would be a bit more vocal, but the numbers didn’t lie. I lost millions of page views. But that’s OK. Maybe you got a chance to read a few other blogs last week. Dip your toe in the world wide waters, see what’s out there. I imagine what you saw sent you running back here and now finally the wait is over. Back to the mailbag. It’ll feel like we never left. As a great man once said, just “Let it Happen.”
Q: I parked my car the other day and was heading into a friendly neighborhood retail outlet when I spotted an adult male taking cell phone pictures of a pretty fancy looking sports car. Is that the new Miata? As it turned out, it was a Ferrari and the guy taking the pictures didn’t own it. How embarrassing is this for the guy with the cell phone? Cameron Frye, Chicago IL
A: I think a “car guy” would probably say his behavior was completely rational. I’m not so sure. Was it a 1961 Ferrari GT California? Because if so, fewer than 100 of those were made. And, then maybe you should take a picture because you might need to prove what you saw, but if this was some regular old Ferrari then I think the grown man is embarrassing himself. Feel free to walk by the thing slowly, drink it in, ADMIRE THE LINES, but keep your phone in your pocket. It’s an age thing. At one golf course I worked at back in the day there was a lot of new money floating around and one of the guys drove a lime green Lamborghini. Several of the caddies were obsessed with this car. It was their dream that the guy was going to come down one day and say, “You know what? A hundred bucks seems a little cliche. TAKE THE LAMBO.” I’m sure if cell phone cameras had existed at that time, the car would have been featured frequently on Instagram. Sick filter choice, Bro. But, what I never saw was other members drooling over the ride. Even if you covet something material, when you hit a certain age, you’ve got to keep that stuff to yourself.
Q: Do you think if great food (bacon, filet mignon, chocolate cake) came in pellet form, as in something you see a rabbit or guinea pig eating that those pellets would sell well? Chuck Purina, St. Louis, MO.
A: How much of food is visual enticement? Those pellets are really disgusting, by the way. It’s something about the mass-produced uniformity that turns you off, plus THAT’S NOT THE SHAPE OF FOOD. They don’t smell great either. I really don’t know how these people keep caged animals in the house with the combination of smells. I assume you don’t mean bacon compressed into pellet form. That’s not all that different from a bacon bit, but you want to bring in that dusty, ominous appearance? These feed pellets look like a piece of straw humped some chalk and they had a food baby. If I’m having a piece of chocolate cake, I want to drink that in visually. I want to see the texture. I want to see the artisan’s swirl of the icing. I want to be able to control my cake to icing ratio on each bite. And, this speaks to eating food as an experience and not just for survival. The pellets are utilitarian. No experience included. So for your examples, I’d say they would all be wild, spectacular failures.
Q: I heard a kid say he was going to “call the police,” on his father the other day for not allowing him to download a game onto his (the father’s) phone. At first I thought, aww the little 5-yr old dips*t knows about the police, but then the Dad said, “Don’t call the police, you already did that once and they had to come to the house.” Who’s running this asylum? Nyne Wonwon, Bismarck, ND.
A: You can’t let young people near your phone. That’s a hard and fast rule and it applies to everyone, not just parents and kids. If you do not know how to do something on your phone you can ask a question, but it’s always a mistake to turn the actual device over to your kid, a rouge nephew, anybody of that nature. The reason is, technology is exponentially easier for every younger generation. If you drop a new iPhone off at a day care those kids will have the thing streaming cartoons in minutes. If you dropped one off at a Rotary club meeting you could come back a month later and they’d still be perusing page one of the manual. Kids are always doing annoying things to your phone. I changed the language to Japanese…lulz. Or, now every time I call you the Boss, Rick Ross’ Ballin’ is going to be ring tone. The police call seems to be an extension of this. How can I use your own phone against you? This kid sounds like a special type of brat, though. If a kid ever complained about something like that to me, I’d probably hand him a tennis ball and tell him to go “look alive” in the backyard or something.
Q: Halloween is coming up again and I think you once ranked your favorite candy, but I got into a debate with my fellow candy purchaser the other day. Should we get one type of candy, or a variety? Candy Courne, Portland, OR.
A: As with all decisions relating to Halloween candy, the best way to approach this problem is to be as selfish as possible. I know as a Trick-O-Treater that variety was the spice of life. That’s where that saying came from. There. You learned something. YOU’RE WELCOME. As amazing as 400 Fun Size Milky Ways would have been, you would miss your packs of M&Ms, the rare Twix, etc. And, without variety you can’t trade and pass off all your horrible candy to that one weirdo who loves Nestle Crunch bars for some reason. As the person serving the candy, the primary concern is your leftovers. Do you want your own little sampler? Do you buy on the low-end to make sure you have nothing leftover? I think it’s best to have a variety, because then you can either be nice…meaning you tell the kids to take a piece or two and they pick what they want. Or, you can be very mean about it and hand out the candy based on costume merit. It’s a nice feeling if a kid shows up in a set of plastic fangs and nothing else claiming to be from Twilight to then hand that kid a pack of Smarties when you’re holding onto a big bowl of Kit-Kats. Last thing, I’m fairly sure about 90% of today’s youth is allergic to something, so if you want to be hypoallergenic–GOTTA GO VARIETY.
Q: A lot is made out of the hours NFL coaches keep, especially the head guy. You hear things like 20-hr work days, sleeping at the stadium, etc. First, do you believe these numbers? Second, do you think that head-coaching tandems will ever emerge? A pair of guys who are completely on the same page, but could say both work 12 hrs a day, maintain a somewhat normal life and still gain 4hrs a week on the single coach? Juan “Vinny” Castillo, Medford, NJ.
A: Interesting question. I’m ready to be part of a coaching tandem. I’ll take 50% of the salary and I’d be willing to complete 1-2% of the work. Telling players they are cut? I can handle that. You take the game planning, Boss. As far as the long days are concerned, I’m not going dispute the hours, but I’m going to dispute the amount of work. What you might not know is that coaches at the highest level are addicted to coaching. They need to be “at the office.” So, they just start showing up at 4 am. IT’S GREAT FOR THE MARRIAGE. But, I don’t think any human can be productive for 20 hrs a day, six days a week. It’s got to be more of a contest, more of an ego thing. Who was first in the parking lot? Sure they might get there at 4 am, but the first couple hours could be spent nursing coffee and blankly staring at “film.” The worst part is, god forbid you want to show up at 7 am. You’d probably get harassed. “Didn’t know you kept banker’s hours, Mortie.” The coach’s name in this scenario is Mortie. You get the idea. So, it’s a lot of work coaching in the NFL and also a bit of SHOWING OFF. Could a tandem work? Sounds great on paper, but logistically it becomes more of a Friends with Bennies situation. One of the guys is going to become emotionally attached to the head coach position and want it all for himself. INEVITABLE.
Q: What is the most absurd fried food? Fried Krispy Kreme? Double Fried Chicken? Ralph Willson, Buffalo, NY.
A: The possibilities seem endless. It would have to be something that’s already fried? Double Fried Mozzy sticks–do they exist? I feel like we need to narrow the field down a little bit and for that I am going to use the wonders of Google’s image search. Drink this in:
Let’s just go off this list. It seems the people running this stand know what they are talking about. Three things stand out on this list to me. 1. Fried Butter, 2. Chicken Fried Bacon, and 3. Fried Honey Bun. It was tough to eliminate anything, but fried catfish is the iceberg wedge of this menu and at least a fried s’more has a graham cracker–you could eat something worse than a graham cracker. I’ve got to eliminate fried butter, because that doesn’t seem fair. Fried fat? Obviously that wins the fat contest, but that seems like a novelty. I imagine people LINE UP for the other items. When I see honey bun, I’m thinking cinnamon bun. I’m thinking Deep Fried Cinnabon. That cinnamon/sugar/sticky bun goop/icing combo that resides in the middle of the Cinnabon? I’m pretty sure that’s about 1,000 calories per ounce. On the other hand, we’re chicken frying bacon. I remember being a kid and seeing “chicken fried steak,” on a diner menu and having NO IDEA what chicken frying was–is a chicken involved? MAYBE. As it turns out, there is no chicken, just that signature fried chicken breading. Put that around bacon and you are ON TO SOMETHING. In the end, I think the chicken fried bacon would taste a lot better, but fattest? I’ll go Deep Fried Cinnabon.
Q: Is anyone picking the Thursday game this week? And, isn’t it nice to see that the NFL has gone back to the Thursday Night Stink Bomb?
A: It’s very comforting. Tennessee should play every Thursday night. I MEAN THAT. It’s an interesting game, because we’ll probably get a good indication of whether or not the Steelers are a good team. If they wipe up Tennessee on a short week, then maybe they can actually be a contender, but I don’t like them as a playoff team. What happened to that running game? I’m pretty sure they could bring back Jerome Bettis, have him fall forward, and he’d average more ypc than the trio of stink the Steelers currently employ. One positive from tonight’s game? Chris Johnson screws the few loyal fantasy owners still playing him early in the week. Get it over with. The lone pick…
Big Dub, Record: 13-11-1
Tennessee (+6) over Pittsburgh: Steelers are old enough and beat up enough to let anyone hang around on a short week. Wouldn’t be surprised if the Titans won outright.
There you have it. The rest of the NFL picks will be up by happy hour tomorrow. Drink and peruse the locks. What a way to start the weekend.