I imagine everyone has pretty much shut it down for the week. Four Day Weekend. Amateur Night. High School Reunions. Me? I’m chugging along with the usual schedule. The football must go on. The mailbag cannot be allowed to overflow with “correspondence.” Whether you read this while burping pumpkin pie, or on Monday morning is of no real concern to me. Just read the damn thing. The mailbag…
Q: Would you rather be friends with an Oompa Loompa or one of the members of the Lollipop Guild? I mean actual friends, not acquaintances. Chaz Buckit, Evansville, IN.
A: What about the Lullaby League? Tough one right out of the gate. By the way, would you be able to get away with calling something “Munchkin Land,” today? Wouldn’t someone have an issue with this? Dunkin Donuts, perhaps? But both of these groups of fine gentleman bring similar things to the table. They make unique sartorial choices. Their hair is unconventional. They also have varying degrees of access to candy. The Lollipop Guild is self-explanatory. Care for a Dum Dum? NO PROBLEM. The Oompa Loompas would seem to have access to a treasure’s trove, but is that actually the case? Just because you know someone who works at Best Buy doesn’t mean you’re getting a free 50″ television, am I right? The Oompa Loompas are laborers. They might not even like candy at this point. The Lollipop Guild is a social organization centered around the appreciation of candy on a stick. One area where the two groups differ is in tone of voice. The Oompa Loompas rock a deep baritone, while the Lollipop Guild members sound like a toddler inhaled about four helium balloons. Are either of these deal breakers? For me, despite the lure of Wonka’s factory I would end up choosing the Guild. Those Oompa Loompas are just a little too dark for my taste. They probably sit around all the time watching A Clockwork Orange.
Q: If chickens were the size of turkeys and turkeys were the size of chickens, would chickens still be more popular? And, what would we eat on Thanksgiving? Don Poultry, Baltimore, MD.
A: Chickens the size of turkeys? Sounds terrifying. Also sounds like heaven. I don’t know anyone who thinks that turkey is better than chicken in an overall contest. Turkey is superior in two areas. First, sliced deli meat. I once made the mistake of getting sliced chicken at a deli. Barbecue chicken breast. It sounded good. AWFUL. So, turkey there and ground turkey is better too if you like turkey burgers or are one of these people that makes chili or some such horse bleep. But, anywhere else–it’s chicken all day. Are there turkey fingers? I think not. But if chickens were the size of turkeys, would they become too unwieldy to crush on a regular basis? Have you seen the size of a turkey breast? It’s not like you can just quickly throw that hoss on the grill. You’d need a plan of attack. And someone always around to help you finish the thing. If turkeys were the size of chickens I think they’d be a much more popular roasting option–year round. I’m also certain we’d eat chicken on Thanksgiving. You need that imposing size. You need the wow factor when you open the oven. You need to brag about how big it was to people who don’t care. Oh what? OUR BIRD? Twenty three pounds this year. Thanks for asking.
Q: Is there a number of puppies that could be charging at you that would make you nervous? Klaus Trophobic, Newark, NJ.
A: I don’t think so. Are we being realistic? I suppose if three million puppies CRESTED A HILL and started charging down toward me that would be a bit disconcerting, but that could never happen. How many swans does it take to make me nervous? One. But, puppies are benevolent. They couldn’t trample you. They couldn’t do any real damage. I assume you’ve seen 101 Dalmatians. There’s a great reference point. Did 101 puppies seem like a problem? Not really. The only thing dangerous about seeing a bunch of puppies is that you might end up OWNING a bunch of puppies. But, round up as many as you can find. I’m ready to take the puppy challenge.
Q: I was flipping through the Brooks Brothers holiday Gift Book, IT’S NOT A CATALOG, and they are offering a trip to Scotland to play golf and do some other really high brow sh*t. I don’t remember the exact price, but it was ballpark 15 grand. I don’t doubt that people with means take trips like this, but do they really buy them out of “gift books?” Kat Alogge, Mobile, AL.
A: I bet they do. You have to put it in perspective. Say you are listening to the radio and you hear about a charity golf scramble over at Goat Farm Hills to benefit the local fire department. It’s $150 bucks–for a foursome. Maybe your uncle was a fireman. Maybe you’ve always wanted to play Goat Farm Hills? But regardless of the reason you grab a few guys and play that outing. Now, multiply your income by one hundred. That trip in the gift book = Goat Hills Outing. Some fellow of means is flipping through, and thinks, “I’ve been talking about going to Scotland for years. Isn’t that right Mitzy?” Mitzy agrees and they book that sumbitch. The price is negligible. Brooks Brothers is an interesting store, because I’m not going to say that they sell things that are inexpensive, because they certainly don’t, but they dabble in things that aren’t outrageous. But you have to be careful in there, because right next to a $80 sweater might be a $480 sweater. Is that cashmere? Of course it’s cashmere! *
Q: I have a friend who claims to be immune to Nyquil due to the amount of alcohol he consumes. Putting aside things like immune clearly being the wrong choice of word, do you think something like this is possible? Bit Sniffly, Aston, PA.
A: Well, Nyquil, as far as I know isn’t ALL BOOZE. There is some medicine in there, correct? I suppose you could build up a tolerance to the medicine, but I don’t see how drinking would play any part in that. Sometimes I wonder how much Nyquil I should take, because they give you that tiny little cup and say it’s for an adult. Have you seen adults lately? They come in varying sizes. I can’t imagine some size 0 chick should be taking the same amount of Nyquil as King Dunlap, but I always stick to the cup, because I don’t want to anger the Nyquil. I want to make sure I wake up in the morning. Here’s a thought–maybe your friend’s body is so busy processing Vodka that it doesn’t have time to worry about things as petty and insignificant as viruses? Could that be it? I think he’s (she’s?) probably just using this as an opportunity for some bravado, though. Sometimes I like to brag about odd things. I’ve claimed several times to be immune to all meat-borne illnesses. How could meat hurt me? Is that true? PROBABLY NOT. But, it’s a fun thing to say, just to watch people react. I’m putting Nyquil immunity in the same category. Or, just tell him to switch to the straight Tussin.
Q: Is three NFL games too many for Thanksgiving? And, who do we think is coming out victorious today?
A: I’m tempted to say the night game is overkill. Are you going to stay up? Can you sustain the momentum? It’s a long day of watching football and like the players, you are coming off a short week too. We just did this on Sunday. But, for a long time the Thanksgiving games were duds. There was a long stretch where if you didn’t like the Cowboys, Thanksgiving was torture. They’d beat someone, Troy Aikman would make you vomit and if he didn’t the Lions surely would. So, maybe the night game is a good idea, just to have one more chance at a decent matchup. Though, that’s certainly not the case this year. I can’t imagine many people care to see the Jets. The good news is, the earlier games aren’t that bad this time around. Hey look, it’s RG3! Megatron! Arian Foster! There is some real star power. Who’s going to win? Let’s ask some people in the know…
Nichols, 30-25 & JCK, 32-22-1
- Houston (-3.5) over Detroit
- New England (-7) over New York Jets
Big Dub, 29-24-2
As the King of Thursday Night games I’m going for the clean sweep on Thanksgiving.
Houston -3.5 over Detroit: If the Texans play halfway decent against Jacksonville this line is up near 7. But since they were in a trap-game situation they nearly lost and now the line is a bargain. Oh, and the Lions stink.
Washington +3 over Dallas: When you get two awful teams, take the points. I wish ths line was 3.5 so there wasn’t a chance for a push. Doesn’t it seem like that’s the most likely scenario,
New England -7 over New York Jets: The last time the Jets had a prime time game against a quality opponent they pulled off the miracle cover against the Texans. This time around there is no miracle. The “-7” should represent the number of Patriot touchdowns.
- Houston (-3.5) over Detroit.
All right, that’s the mailbag everyone. A bit abbreviated. What are you going to do? Hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving. Did that sound genuine? Eh, whatever.