I was making some food the other day. Little bit of rice, some steak and I was mixing it all together in a frying pan to “finish” the dish. Gotta finish that rice in the pan, but my pan is SO non-stick that the rice was too much to contain. I stirred with too much gusto and a mouthful of rice comes flying up the side of the pan, ejects itself and lands on my foot. I was wearing a flip-flop. Searing pain. I dropped a standard double profanity, kicked the rice all over the place–it was a real scene. The moral, as always is don’t cook barefoot. The mailbag…
Q: With the Eagles record at 3-8 and only two teams with a worse record (Jax at 2-9 and KC at 1-10) do I start rooting for the Eagles to keep losing and Jax and KC to win a few so the Eagles get the first pick? If this was last year, I think the answer is yes so the Eagles could pick either Luck or RGIII, but this year there doesn’t seem to be a franchise QB coming out in the draft. So, what do I do? Mr. Corteleono, Great Valley, PA.
A: This is the scenario you never want to find yourself in if you are a fan. Here’s my stance. You never root for the team to lose. It’s not something a true fan can do. The Eagles are playing Dallas this Sunday night. Are you going to tell me that an Eagles fan can sit there and root for Dallas to win? NOT POSSIBLE. The fact that there is no franchise QB available this year just seals the deal. It would be nice to have the top pick, but there will be no RG3 and also Howie Roseman is making that pick? Are you comfortable with that, because I’m not. God forbid Daniel T’e0-whatever has a younger brother. So, here’s what fans do in this scenario. They say and do things to make themselves feel better. You’ll hear a lot of Eagles fans saying things like, “I hope they lose out.” This is like when the bully stole your ball from you at recess and you said, “I was done playing ANYWAY.” Nice try. So, you try to lessen the blow, laugh when they blow yet ANOTHER coverage, but at the end of the day it’s going to hurt like usual. That’s just what being a fan is, rooting for them to win and taking it hard when they lose–regardless of the stakes.
Q: If you were a waiter do you think you would ever get to the point where you would tamper with a diner’s food? You know what I’m talking about. Dice E. Mayo, Collegeville, PA.
A: There’s a classic scene in Road Trip where the kid said he didn’t want powdered sugar on his french toast so the waiter takes it back to the kitchen and removes the sugar…with his crotch and undercarriage areas. It’s the type of scene that often pops up on TV and in the movies and makes you want to forget about anything that might go on behind closed kitchen doors. Considering how much trust you put into the waiter or waitress, it is surprising how poorly they are treated at times. I was never a waiter, but I have spent a lot of time cleaning golf clubs. Weird things can happen in a bag room. Clubs disappear. The head of a driver can snap off. Maybe that fancy ball marker takes a walk? I never stole or damaged property, but the nicer you were to me, the nicer I was to your stuff. If you were a little slow to the wallet, I probably wasn’t going to clean your clubs that well. You’d get a tw0-swipe special with a damp towel. I don’t think I could ever spit in someone’s food. That’s disrespectful. TO THE FOOD. And, at some point, someone has to take the high road, right? I might be tempted to explore other passive aggressive avenues, though. I might eat 1/2 your fries on the way to the table, or let your soup sit and get cold for a while. But let’s be honest. I could never be a waiter.
Q: The Powerball jackpot got absurdly high this week. Over 500 million. The question is, if one of your close friends won the jackpot, what would you expect to get out of it? Kenny Sponge, Louisville, KY.
A: I would like to be one of the leeches that causes these people to lose hundreds of millions of dollars within a few years. I’d be like, “Let’s start an Airline!” I’m joking. It is interesting to think about what you would do if someone you knew won the lottery, because you usually picture yourself with the winning numbers. I don’t daydream too much about winning a big jackpot, but I have thought enough about it that I have thought about what I would do for other people. What would I buy my family? Would they want my gifts? If you win the jackpot are you OBLIGATED to pay the college tuition of your 7th cousin? I DON’T KNOW. It’s nice to say that you wouldn’t expect anything, but I think you would. I probably would too. You’d at least like to get a trip out of it, right? Do you expect the person to pick up the check every single time? That probably causes some tension, because sure the guy with 100 million can grab the check, but you’d get tired of it and then you’d feel guilty for not picking it up when your buddy is making 23.5 LARGE a year. Catch-22. There are a lot of pitfalls to winning the lottery. If one of my friends did, I think I’d try my best to act like it didn’t happen. And, hope like hell we get to go on that trip before things get weird.
Q: So I was watching someone clear a parking lot of some snow the other day (with a plow, not manually) and they might have run into a parked car. I can’t be sure, but it looked shady to me. I didn’t have the benefit of audio. How often do you think this happens? A. Drift, Wheeling, WV.
A: I imagine it happens on the regular. Attaching a plow to the front of your truck gives you all kinds of liberties. Damage done by a plow is pretty much just eminent domain, right? Mailbox destroyed? Shouldn’t have put it there. The plow is NOT RESPONSIBLE. You know what always amazes me? The youthful enthusiasm of the plow guy during that first snow of the season. Certain parts of the area got an inch or two of “fresh pow*” the other day and I was at work watching a guy go to town in the parking lot. Keep in mind the parking lot didn’t REALLY need to be plowed. It made things a bit easier out there, but it’s not like we had 45 disabled Honda Civics out there spinning their tires. Things were pretty much under control, but this guy was going to clean the lot. He was out there forever. It was a meticulous effort and I’m not sure if he was just trying to earn his money, or if he loved his plow that much. Of course, you’d rather they be conscientious. Back in the day we had a circle in the driveway (fancy) and some other obstacles. The snow plow guy would routinely churn up an acre of dirt. Stone moron.
*If you are a person who uses the term “pow” as an abbreviated form of “powder,” when describing skiing or snowboarding exploits, you need to reevaluate. It’s life coach time.
Q: Heard a commercial for Smirnoff “Iced Cake” Vodka the other day. Where’s the line for flavored liquor? Peach Rumm, Miami, FL.
A: The line has been obliterated. Do they even sell plain vodka anymore? Is that what it’s called? Plain? If I was an actual drinker of vodka, I’d be offended. There have to be some vodka purists out there who take this personally. You go to a bar and there are 63 bottles of vodka lined up all highlighted in a different pastel color. Vodka has become the wine cooler of the spirits aisle. At best. At worst, it’s approaching Boone’s Farm. Here’s what I don’t like about hard liquor. So much of its consumption is based on masking the taste. At least I can say with a straight face that I enjoy the taste of beer. If you are sucking down a flavored vodka with various other ingredients, you are mostly just trying to get drunk, right? And, what’s the deal with iced cake? As a bit of an icing savant, I say “Unhand my 10-x sugar, Smirnoff.” Stay in your damn lane. People shouldn’t be getting drunk off cake, at least not literally.
Q: How many mulligans do you think you would need to shoot even par at Augusta National from the tournament tees? Hit M. Tillurhapi, Honolulu, HI.
A: I assume you mean in non-tournament conditions. If I have to shoot 72 at Augusta with 40.000 people around, we might as well just move on to the next question. I’d be there all day. But, what if I had the place to myself? It’s an interesting question. What kind of opinion do I have of my own golf game? How many pars could I make legitimately? Birdies? Do I dare predict a birdie? I don’t think I can be so bold. I’m going to say I could par 4 (four) holes though, without any help. This involves getting lucky on a few greens, maybe a 3-putt par on 13? Who knows, but we’re now down to 14 holes I need to finish with the assist of our friend, 1 for 5, 3 for 10…the Mulligan. I’d need two off the first tee, just out of principle. Just to get the ball anywhere near in play. Honestly, I think I’d spend most of them on chip shots and/or lag putts, because I don’t see myself making many putts outside of about 30 inches at Augusta. And, not only that, if you miss a 3-footer, you might have an 8-footer coming back. VICIOUS CYCLE. Gotta figure out a grand total here. Thankfully, Augusta isn’t that penal off the tee. Off the tee on the 14 holes I have left I’m thinking I need 7 Mulligans to keep par on the table. From there, I’ve got maybe 12 approach shots. I’ll take another 6 here. This is where things get tricky. With mulligan help, let’s assume I can two putt par, or accidentally get up and down on half the remaining holes. That leaves holes where I need multiple mulligans. Let’s say one each on four, another two on two additional holes, and a 3-mully putting debacle to close it out. So, the grand total becomes….26 mulligans. Does that mean I’d shoot 98 from the tips at Augusta? Sounds about right.