How do I know the holidays are upon us? People start driving like maniacs. It’s like we all moved to Connecticut. Parking lots have become especially dicey. The problem is, they usually feed several lanes into the same exit. I was minding my own business the other day, in a modest line of cars when some moron with a ton of Grand Theft Auto experience goes flying around me and almost clips off my front bumper. I was so shocked I didn’t even get to give the offender the hand gesture of my choice. So, while he races to some other exit lane I continue to make progress. Of course we meet again at the stoplight where everyone must go, and he’s now two cars ahead of me. You know, it all was totally worth it.
Q: Do you think people will ever use land line phones ironically? I mean, will hipster kids ever be begging their parents to get a sweet land line in their bedroom, because it’s just so…you know? Alex Bell, Coatesville, PA.
A: I think talking out loud, TO PEOPLE, would have to make a big comeback first, then maybe you could have something like this happen. I see what you’re getting at. Maybe we find out down the line that cell phones really are terrible for us and that causes a return to the beloved land line. And, if that’s happening, the idiots among us will want to go the whole way. Oh, you have a rotary phone? NOT BAD, but check out my switchboard and full time, live-in operator! Anyway, the way young people communicate is troubling. Text messaging has become pretty archaic at this point. Or, the way I text message. Between Twitter and Snapchat and whatever else I think we might be closer to language becoming extinct. In 100 years, people my just be iPhoning rudimentary drawings back and forth.
Q: Has anyone ever successfully used a full roll of wrapping paper? Scott Taipe, Fresno, CA.
A: I assume you mean no waste? That has to be a pretty rare feat. The perfect roll? I’m sure Martha Stewart probably thinks she could do it–but, I wouldn’t trust her. I bet your grandmother did this all time time. She was like a Native American with a buffalo. Oh, there’s a 2″x 4″ piece left? Perfect for wrapping this marble! People played with marbles back in the day–look it up. I waste a lot of paper. I admit it. I don’t have enough small items to wrap and so I play it pretty fast and loose with the scraps. I’m also terrified of the undercut. Nothing says butcher job like the wrapping paper patch. So, what I usually do is cut a giant piece of paper and then trim repeatedly. I’m not one of these people who is all, “I cut once and use 1 piece of tape.” Ok, showoff. I use my tape and scissors liberally. That’s what they’re for. Most people will tell you bad they are at wrapping presents, or how difficult it is, but it’s really not hard at all. You just need to take your time. Think about what you’re saying? Folding paper is too hard? Really?
Q: Do you think Judd Apatow puts his own kids in his movies because he thinks a) they’re good little actors, b) he’s an egomaniac, c) they’re way cheaper than a Fanning? Stephen Spielberg Jr, Yonkers, NY.
A: I wonder what those little Apatow children make? There’s no way it’s Fanning money, but I bet it’s a decent chunk of change. Especially now that Apatow is THE comedy writer and probably gets nice, bloated budgets for his films. I’d like to thank the studio for employing my ENTIRE FAMILY. Is he an egomaniac? Not in the way that Will Smith is with his children. He’s dying for his kids to be famous. I feel like Apatow probably finds the whole thing amusing on some level of comedy you don’t understand, because you simply aren’t funny enough. I think the girls are going to have much bigger roles in the upcoming This is 40, so maybe we’ll get a look at their chops. I think they’ll probably do a decent job in the sense that all children actors do when given funny lines. But, I really get that this is kind of an inside joke among the Apatow family. He casts his wife. He puts his kids in there. It’s no different than Adam Sandler continuing to give Rob Schneider work. The problem is, what if little Apatow gets the acting bug and starts wanting to branch out from Daddy’s hand-written roles. In five years, Maude Apatow might be like, “So, there’s this audition. The movie is called, Teenage Meth Hookers: The Musical. Can I do it?” That’s when old Judd will be wishing he’d just buckled to the Fanning’s outrageous salary demands.
Q: Did you know vegans can’t eat honey? Isn’t that ridiculous? Anne Byproduct, Charleston, SC
A: I only have a rudimentary knowledge of vegans, but from my understanding there is a quite a bit they cannot eat. Honey seems awfully strict, though. Yeah, it comes from bees, but do the bees really need it? Does it hurt them to make our honey? DOES IT? Do vegans look down at bears because they eat honey? The discipline required to be a vegan must be off the charts. You can’t eat cheese, you are a nightmare dinner invitation, and you constantly have to deal with people’s reactions. “I’m a vegan.” (power sigh from everyone in the world). That has to wear you down a little bit, constantly explaining what vegan means and deflecting the constant barrage of, “would you eat a cheeseburger for a million dollars?” Honey is not something I’d particularly miss, but did you know that the following are also off-limits for vegans:
- White sugar
- Most Beers
- Gummy Candy
Now you’re just hitting close to home. Here’s a question. Are vegans allowed to use leather? Wool? Can they play an old piano? I DON’T KNOW.
Q: Did you know that certain fast food restaurants use off-site call centers to handle drive-thru orders? And, is that the most boring job in America? Mick Nugget, Tupelo, MS
A: I had no idea. I’ve got to admit, I don’t utilize the drive-thru as much as you might think. I like to seek out empty calories in other ways. But, this really blows my mind a little bit. So the person at the window isn’t who I talked to on the intercom device? There’s no way this happens at Chick-Fil-A. I refuse to believe that. I guess this is an effort to get less orders wrong? Part of the gamble of going drive-thru used to be that there was a 65% chance you weren’t going to get what you ordered. The technology in drive-thru speakers had to be pre-World War 1. I remember when the big advancement was your order would display on a screen so you could see exactly HOW WRONG it was. That just made things more frustrating. My sister doesn’t eat condiments, so she’d say I want such and such ‘plain’ and then she’d be hollering from the back seat, does it say plain? DOES IT? Now I find out I’m on the phone with someone in a call center? That’s crazy, and it has to be a terrible job. At least if you work in the actual restaurant, maybe you get to play with the soda machine for a while, dunk a basket of fries, have some actual human interaction? Eight hours of orders only? I’d last 1/12 of a day.
Q: What would you do if this thing was hopping around your backyard? Pretty sure you can’t make a good luck charm out of one of those feet. Mongo Rabbit, Detroit, MI.
A: Damn. How about the forearm strength on the guy holding it up? That’s just pure farm boy strength right there. The thing looks pretty docile, but I think I’d be terrified. At least momentarily. My initial thought here is: MUTANT. So, if the rabbit has grown to abnormal size, has it also turned carnivorous? Probably don’t want to run that risk. Plus, it may be able to beat you senseless with those thumpers. Yet, it’s still kind of cute. I honestly cannot stop looking at that picture. You know that rabbits actually make terrible pets? They’re too cute for their own good and little idiot kids think they’re great and will talk like Bugs Bunny, but a rabbit is one of the last pets I’d get my kid. We had a rabbit once, Roscoe, and I really liked Roscoe, but Roscoe wasn’t THAT friendly. You can’t play with a rabbit like you can a dog, or even a cat. So, Roscoe just chilled in the hutch 99.9% of the time. But, man did I want that rabbit. So, if your kid ever wants a rabbit, I’d suggest renting this guy’s “pet,” and giving it to your kid. One look and little Timmy probably sh*ts himself, leaves the room screaming and you’ve quickly navigated the “bunny” phase.