3-PT D.A. Week One: Blaine Gabbert.
Do you want a fun exercise? Go to Blaine Gabbert’s career game log and try to hone in on the 3rd best game of his career. He had a couple of decent starts last year (in two losses, but still), but past that you’ll find his 3rd best start is going to be something like, 19/33 for 217 yards with 2 TDs and 2 INTs. That’s a candidate. For the 3rd best start of his career, a career that has him inexplicably pushing 30 starts. Blaine Gabbert is never good. He’s sometimes historically bad, but he’s never EVER good. And, that’s why he’s a no questions asked, D.A. 1st ballot Hall of Famer. You wanted to get cute with Geno Smith this week? Gabbert reminds you to never leave The Blaine on the table.
The performance against KC was notable for the final score, an inherently laughable 28-2 ass-kicking at the hands of the Andy Reid Chiefs. This was a home game. You are welcome, Jaguar season ticket holder. Gabbert did what I’d basically call, “The Usual.” 16/35. 2INT, 1 Pick-6. After the game Blaine said, “If I had to do all over again, I think I could throw for less than 100 yards.” He ended up with 121. A gaudy 3.5 per attempt. Somehow this added up to a 30 QB rating, once again proving this is a broken statistic.
In a World where D.A. options seem to be dwindling, it’s nice to know that someone will always have to start for the Jags, Gabbert or otherwise. FREE HENNE!
Fake Chow Crushes HVTM, 80 to 4.25
Fake Chow seemed the most excited about the possibility of winning a D.A. Championship shirt and they came out of the gate connecting on haymakers. Brandon Weeden had a week one high 54 points, announcing to the world, Hey, I’m Bradon Weeden–I throw incompletions. Somehow Christian Ponder also fell into Fake Chow’s lap and that was just 26 points worth of gravy. Ponder is awful. Happy Valley Tickle Monsters were overwhelmed, and Geno’s Smith disappointing 11.25 points was just insult to injury.
Horse Face Begins Title Defense With 24 to (-6) win over D.A.iry Queen.
Horse Face is methodical. Interesting game from Phil Rivers. Yes, 4 Tds, BUT, a pick 6, a loss, 50% completion percentage. He’s viable, even on his better days. D.A.iry Queen lost their debut thanks in large part to EJ Manuel’s competence. Who knew? Fairly accurate, mistake free–where will some of these rookies get drafted in week two?
Carlos Danger (Nee Shiva Cry) Clips Tampa Ticklesh*ts, 31 to 28.75
The Game of the Week. If memory serves correct, Kraft ends up on the wrong end of these an extraordinary amount of the time. Even Gabbert’s brilliance couldn’t carry him in week one, as his game was offset by Sam Bradford and his special connection with Marv Cook. Carlos Danger got Josh Freeman late and several people should be sorry. The man, who was voted most likely to have multiple 5-INT games by his high school class, could have a big D.A. year.
Doubleback Vineyards Skates by Eli Esses D, 14 to (-1.25)
Bit of a snooze fest. Doubleback got fifteen points out of Terrelle Pryor, who may be the only QB who could have a good regular fantasy game and a good D.A. game on the same night. We should appreciate that. Doubleback was counting on Ryan Tannehill to carry the load, but forty-five throws to Hartline later, old Tanny had himself a win a decent game against the Browns.
D.A. Football Standings:
- Fake Chow, 1-0
- Carlos Danger, 1-0
- Team Horse Face, 1-0
- Doubleback Vineyards, 1-0
- Tampa Ticklesh*ts, 0-1
- Happy Valley Tickle Monsters, 0-1
- D.A.iry Queen, 0-1
- Eli Esses D, 0-1
Week Two Draft Order:
- D.A.iry Queen
- Tampa Ticklesh*ts
- Eli Esses D
- Doubleback Vineyards
- Carlos Danger
- Team Horse Face
- Fake Chow
- Happy Valley Tickle Monsters
Week Two Matchups:
- HVTM vs. Tampa Ticklesh*ts (The Tickle Bowl)
- Eli Esses D vs. Team Horse Face
- Fake Chow vs. D.A.iry Queen
- Doubleback Vineyards vs. Carlos Danger