Mailbag.

 

Not Pictured:  Me.

Not Pictured: Me.

Some guy asked me if I had the “correct” time yesterday.  It happened to be 1:23 pm.  I told the guy.  I wondered, does this guy get told the incorrect time a lot?  Are there people out there who attempt to provide misinformation in this situation?  But I really wondered about the guy, because in this day and age it’s pretty easy to have the time appear somewhere on your person.  Watches, cell phones, I assume this guy didn’t have the only car in the world without a clock?  It all seemed so old-fashioned, like I was walking down a bustling avenue in 1865.  Oh, the time?  Well, I forgot to wind my pocket watch so let me just take a look at the sun here for a second….

Q:  If you played one game for the 1995-96 Bulls, I’m talking all 48 minutes, what do you think your stats would look like and would the Bulls have any chance of winning?  Danny Cominoff, Downingtown, PA.

A:  Those Bulls went 72-10.  They were a well-oiled machine.  They routinely beat teams by 20, 25 even 30 points.  But they did this with five players on the court.  If I was out there, it wouldn’t even be like playing 5 on 4.  It’d be worse than that, because the four ACTUAL NBA players would be exhausting themselves trying to make up for my deficiencies.  I’m afraid the Bulls would lose.  Maybe once every couple hundred games we’d win, just by accident, but if you take Jud Buechler off the ’95 Bulls and put me on the floor for 48 a night–they’re in big trouble.  As for my actual stats?  I’m sure I would accumulate some things on the stat sheet.  I imagine at the beginning of the game the other team wouldn’t even cover me, they’d have two guys on Jordan and I’d be wandering around, clapping my hands and screaming “BALL!”  I’d like to think that I could get a few shots off before they were blocked over the course of 48 minutes.  I’m not a terrible shooter, I might make one or two before someone started to guard me and block EVERY shot I took.  From there, the other team would try to trick the Bulls into giving me the ball (they wouldn’t) and I’d basically just be trying to stay upright running up and down the court.  Final Prediction:  4 pts on 2/6 shooting, 1 rebound, 0 assists, 0 blocks, 6 turnovers.  

Q:  I just read the top-3 most hated companies in America are JC Penney, Dish Network, and T-mobile.  So, pretty much exactly who you would expect.  What’s your most hated company?  John Wanamaker, Philadelphia, PA.  

A:  Do people hate Penney’s because it’s not Target, or because it reminds them of Sears?  I DON’T KNOW.  I haven’t even thought about Penney’s in a decade.  I know they have a new logo, or marketing campaign.  Guess it’s not working out too well for them.  The next two make a lot of sense.  Television and mobile phones.  Why do people hate this type of company?  Quick thoughts:  They think the phone and TV should be almost free.  OK, you have to pay a NOMINAL fee, but no one likes to feel like they’re getting taken.  That’s what the cell phone industry is based on.  Remember roaming charges?  Wow, that’s the greatest scam ever pulled on the American public.  People also think their phones and TVs and internet machines should always work.  Never one glitch.  So, little thunderstorm pops up, knocks out your Dish and you have a meltdown.  WHAT AM I PAYING FOR?  I am one of these people so Comcast and Verizon are probably going to be in my Top-5.  But, if I’m going for my most hated company?  How about Exxon-Mobil or any other oil company.  Thanks for the privilege of paying $3.75 a gallon.  I know everyone is really living hand to mouth over there at Exxon headquarters and while they’re getting rich off our driving addiction they mix in an occasional ecological disaster free of charge.  

Q:  Wouldn’t it be awesome if really nice restaurants has the equivalent of “happy meals,” meaning you got some type of prize with your food?  I imagine walking in some place, grabbing some Kobe beef and being pleasantly surprised with a nice pair of driving gloves?  Maybe a tennis bracelet?  Don’t tell me that rich people don’t love getting little prizes.  Sue Veneer, El Paso, TX

A:  I like this idea.  Is the Happy Meal not classy?  This would be a great thing for restaurants too, because you know rich people love being handed things.  You are correct about that.  Swag bags, various BAUBLES, you know what I’m talking about.  The more things you can afford, the more stuff you get for free.  So, I don’t think there would be any stigma to collecting a nice gift to go along with your $500 dinner.  I think the biggest problem would be the cost to the restaurant.  From my understanding restaurants operate on pretty slim margins.  This is why they so gleefully charge you 400% markups on anything with a drop of alcohol in it.  I’m not sure even the most prosperous restaurants could afford to outfit you in the style which you’ve become accustomed.  

Q:  Do you think you could, at your current age, smoothly assimilate into a college party?  Shawn “Jackie” Gleason, Frazer, PA.  

A: I didn’t really smoothly assimilate into college parties when I was actually in college.  I usually went in, looked for the Beirut table, played a few games, got overheated, had a minor claustrophobic FREAK OUT and then left.  That’s normal, right?  RIGHT?  I cannot overstate how hot it got inside college parties–nightmare.  I can’t imagine what the college kids do these days.  Do they actually have “parties?”  I’m kind of picturing a bunch of kids (high as sh*t) sitting around a room tweeting.  Is that a party?  In general, I have no desire to hang out with twenty year-old kids in a party setting.  I would likely project this feeling and creep out everyone in the room within five or ten minutes, so the answer is going to be no–I could not assimilate.  Thankfully.  What could I do?  I could probably handle the music.  I’d just play everything I used to hear back in the day, and the kids would go crazy.  Is that Nelly?  Old School stuff always kills it.  

Q:  What do you think is the worst food smell that can come from a microwave? Colonel Singed, Portland, OR.  

A:  Oh man, you know what I really hate?  Communal microwaves.  Whether it was in a college dorm, or at a place of employment, for some reason a microwave in a public place always makes me more sensitive.  If I burn some popcorn, in the PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME, I can live with that.  But, if I walk into a break room of some kind and someone has burnt something in the microwave?  Irrational levels of rage.  Popcorn is probably the easy answer here.  The smell of it burnt in a microwave is right there on the tip of your nose.  I think you can do worse, though.  Some foods, even when not burnt, smell atrocious.  Cup O’ Noodle, for example, can TURN A STOMACH.  Then, there’s any type of microwave “pasta.”  Anything with a gnarly meat sauce.  From Chef Boyisthatawful to the more fashionable Smart Ones, if you put that horsebleep in the microwave–the whole building will know and they’ll be pissed.  But, the worst smell I’ve encountered in the microwave is burnt hot dog.  When I worked at the golf course, we had guys from all WALKS OF LIFE in the caddy pool.  The microwave in the bag room should have had a bio-hazard sticker on it.  There was this one caddy who would bring in packs of hot dogs and microwave them.  Best case scenario the smell is TROUBLING, but when he burnt them….Ahhhh.  I’d know as soon as I took one step down the stairs.  It would ruin my whole day.  

Q:  Do you think people with really cute dogs get tired of strangers approaching and asking to meet said dog?  Do they ever think, I hope this isn’t the one person in the world my dog is going to hate?  

A:  I suppose if you walk your dog for utilitarian purposes every day that a constant barrage of well-intentioned strangers could grow a bit tiresome.  Just let me get my walk in, or maybe you didn’t NOTICE, but I’m holding a bag of my dog’s crap right now and I’d like to get it out of my hand as soon as possible.  And some dogs aren’t quite as friendly as they look.  If my dog was a bit temperamental, I’d be worried that some idiot would come over, all awkward and abrupt with their threatening motions and my dog would choose that moment to snap at someone.  But, those situations are the outliers.  Most of the time, people love to be approached about their dog.  Much like a kid, everyone thinks their dog is especially adorable and so they want that validation.  I’d say it even gets to the point where they could be disappointed if they aren’t approached on occasion.  Say you just had old Buster groomed, maybe you put him in a little jacket or something, A KERCHIEF?  You’d probably be walking around thinking, HELLO?  Is someone going to talk  to me about my dog, or what?  

 

 

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One thought on “Mailbag.

  1. hahhaa. how did i miss this? i love brussels sprouts these days. LOVE as in LOVE Iron Hill has appetizers of them. love, as in I could eat them every night. however. I admit, they smell awful. the other day, someone at work, had the audacity to nuke some at around the odd time of 3pm. we all congregated around the caf which is right near the bathrooms and were like, “is that…what is that? no, what is that?” someone said smoke and i wanted the smell to be smoke. and i hate the smell of smoke. anyhow…

    if you can’t get a prize for eating at nice places, i’d at least like a compromise, so that when these nice places offer like restaurant.com certificate promos, they don’t snub you when using them.

    also future mailbag question: at what age do you have a citizenship responsibility to act like an adult in your apartment? for instance, right now, my 30ish year old neighbor is competing in a very loud whistle contest, and very high and laughing at himself. his girlfriend thinks this also hilarious. we’re going on 30 minutes of competition. they also think the walls are thick, at 5:30pm, if you know what i mean. PG hours. and that heavy base is awesome at 1230am or that slamming doors at 4am, also normal.

    desperate for maturity, Q

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