Cold snap the last few days. Possibly colder than it was all last winter. Who can remember? When it’s this cold out people cannot stop talking about the weather. BURRR. It made me wonder, what type of weather produces the least amount of comments? Isn’t it always too hot, or dreary, or miserable, or sticky, or freezing, or beautiful, or HOW ABOUT THIS WEATHER? Would 59 degrees and partly cloudy produce silence? I guess it depends on the season. Hopefully it warms up soon, because people are already running out of their cold weather material. The mailbag, much like the mailman, come regardless of weather…
Q: I saw a limo pull into a parking lot the other day and I found myself getting excited. What is it about limos that are so fascinating? Keep in mind I’m an adult and have ridden in limos before. MGG, Media, PA.
A: I’m the same way, and I don’t really know why. I’m not a car person. I know some people who will start humping their car door if a Bentley pulls up next to them in traffic, but that’s not me. It’s not the cost, or the luxury that draws me to the limo, so I have to assume it’s the novelty. Or the positive association. It’s like when I smell a candle burning out and deep down in the recesses of my memory I’m thinking about eating birthday cake. When I think about the few trips I’ve taken in a limo in my life, it was always a precursor to something exciting happening. So, when you see that limo, you’re just thinking to yourself, IS THAT FOR ME? Am I going somewhere? You’re not, of course, but there is that fleeting moment when anything is possible. The other reason limos are stimulating is that there is always a chance someone famous could be inside. Why are the windows so tinted? Is J-LO in there? IS SHE?
Q: Do you think the Harbaugh parents have a favorite child? There’s no way they are rooting for them both equally, right? Three Putt Territory, Media, PA
A: I don’t think so. Is anyone ever truly impartial? I’m sure you know someone who is the darling child of their family. ALL WORLD EVERYTHING. When parents get asked about their kids, there’s usually one they talk about first, right? Oh, Buster? He’s clerking for Chief Justice Roberts–IN HIS SPARE TIME! Then they get asked about their other kid, the one who’s a freelance tattoo artist and they suddenly don’t offer up as many specifics. Is this the case with the Harbaughs? At first glance, the boys seem to be on pretty equal footing. Both NFL head coaches. Similar personalities, both well-regarded in the industry, but this hasn’t always been the case. Remember that Jim Harbaugh had a decent NFL career. Captain Comeback anyone? John Harbaugh played defensive back at Miami of Ohio. Which is fine, unless your brother is an NFL quarterback. So, even though Jim is younger and had the more glamorous career, I think there may be a bit of an underdog factor going on here. John could very well be his family’s Cinderella. And since coaching is more his THING, while playing was John’s THING, I’m going to say the Harbaugh parents are going to be all Raven’d up for the Super Bowl. Plus, they probably don’t want any part of being on the opposite side of Ray Lewis…and God.
Q: What do you think would happen if the fans walked into the Super Bowl and they weren’t serving beer in the stadium? Mass hysteria? Rioting? The worst parts of the bible? T. Blogger, Media, PA.
A: I think we’d get an idea of how many people go to the Super Bowl to actually WATCH THE GAME. One of the criticisms of the Super Bowl is that the crowd is this unaffiliated blob of corporate drones who are there for the spectacle and the week of parties and not the actual game. Certainly there will be plenty of Ravens and Niners fans in attendance, but not enough to create any type of real atmosphere or advantage. I’d love to see a Super Bowl played at a team’s home stadium once, in front of its usual crowd, just to see what that looked like–but it’ll never happen. So, speaking of things that will never happen. Back to the beer. I think confusion would be the first response. You would doubt yourself. WAIT. Do they not serve beer at Super Bowls? How did I not know that? But once a few other people insisted that there should be beer people would start getting pissed. They’ve spent all day building to a particular level of drunkeness and now that plan is RUINED. I think the scene would get pretty wild. People would be lurching at the beer taps over the counter, making petty and embarrassing bribes, there would be several personal attacks against the poor concession stand employees. But, then the game would start. I think about two-thirds of the crowd would resign themselves to their fate and watch the game. The rest of the people would either leave, or wander the concourse like nomads hoping to stumble upon that one stand that was serving up a $10 Coors Light.
Q: A friend of mine called me when he was completely hammered the other day. It was annoying. Not long ago I would have been immensely entertained, but all I could think about was hanging up. What are some things that you don’t think are “fun” anymore? Imaginary Friend, Media, PA.
A: I’d like to take this moment to apologize to everyone I ever called when I was drunk. Of course, I was under the impression at the time that I was DOING THEM A FAVOR. Oh, I’m awake at 2 am, I’m feeling pretty conversational, I wonder what (______) is up to? The person would usually humor me for a little while, even have the courtesy to say it was an entertaining call the next day. I’d be all…WHAT DID I SAY? And, this isn’t to say I wasn’t amused many times in my youth by inebriated people. In college I would sometimes get up OUT OF BED when drunk people came home just to see what was happening. You don’t want to miss anything. But all that fades. It’s almost like, I’ve seen it all. Oh, you’re shoveling peanut butter into your mouth with the Playstation controller? YAWN. So, in addition to drunk calls, what else is no longer fun? A quick list:
1. Carnival Games. a) I don’t get the same satisfaction out of winning a stuffed animal and b) they are all more rigged than ever, too expensive and the prizes suck. Booo carnies.
2. Goldeneye Video Game. The most dead video game that’s ever been dead.
3. The buffet/happy hour combo. Oh, from 4-6 pm it’s dollar well drinks and all you can eat hot dogs and ziti? Vomit.
4. Miniature Golf. I’m sorry, is putt-putt really a good time? I’ve just missed too many putts in my life. I don’t need to do it for recreation.
Q: How do you think of all the made up questions for the mailbag? Randall Stevens, Media, PA.
A: Well, I’ll tell you what, it’s not easy. I have to be keenly observant on every day life. I have to take down notations. I have to live my life attached to a little journal. I’m a professional chronicler of the human existence. That’s my art. OK, none of that is true exactly, but I do try to remember things to “bag” about. But, I’ll tell you what, it’s becoming more and more difficult to accumulate the questions. So, I’m sending out a real request here–If you enjoy the mailbag–send me some questions! Any questions. Take them from other websites. PLAGERIZE. Do whatever you need to do, but I could use some help over here. My life isn’t that interesting. Pretty soon the mailbag questions are going to be like, “I had a chicken sandwich three straight nights for dinner–thoughts?” NO ONE WANTS THAT. Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.