A Mailbag.

And, We're Broken Up.

And, We’re Broken Up.

I know it wasn’t possible, but it would have been damn entertaining if the guys had to play golf through that snowstorm in Arizona Wednesday.  In theory it would have been “fair,” right?  It’s match play.  Who’s better at playing through a heavy dusting?  It would have made for captivating TV and hearing the players whine about it afterwards would have been incredible.  I spent the vast majority of my college golf career complaining about the weather.  Springtime in these parts is a great time to play golf if you love wind, torrential rain and the occasional snow shower.  Yeah, I played in snow.  Not accumulating, but what I’d call a real steady squall.  The tour pros need to toughen up.   In lieu of another Oscar preview, try the mailbag…

Q: I was in convenience store the other day and I heard a guy talking about what he gave his significant other for Valentine’s Day.  I wasn’t paying close attention, I assume there was the usual stuff, card, Whitman Sampler (?) but then the guy goes, AND A HAMSTER.  What?  Worst Valentine’s gift ever?  Ginny Pigg, Topeka, KS.

A:  If someone gave me a hamster I would lose my mind.  I’d accidentally set the hamster loose in a moment of terror and then the person who gave me the rodent would have approximately 90 seconds to catch the hamster and find it another home or else we’d probably have to “TAKE A BREAK.”  I need to make this less personal, though.  Some people are delighted by various relatives of the rat.  I think you can do worse than hamster.  Any appliance?  An economy sized bottle of Tide?  Anything in the reptile family?  Is a hamster better than a turtle?  Which smells worse?  That would be my tie-breaker.  Here would be my concern if I got a hamster, assuming I was someone who liked any kind of pet.  Does a hamster reflect the proper level of commitment?  What is the average lifespan of Mr. Freckles?  Couple years tops?  I think someone gets you a kitten, or a puppy they’re probably a little more invested in the long haul.  But seriously, don’t give hamsters for Valentine’s Day, even if your significant other loves hamsters.  A hamster is more of a Happy Wednesday night, here’s a hamster, type of gift.  

Q:  Why do all guys’ public restrooms have urinals but no one’s home has one?  Tinkle Standing, Newark, DE.

A:  Well, some people do have urinals in their home.  I guess you never saw the episode of Cribs with ‘Sheed Wallace.  Mr. Wallace had a nice bathroom that was outfitted with a urinal.  Class for days.  So, why don’t you see more urinals?  This is pretty easy.  I’ll lay it out for you.  You clearly don’t run in an affluent enough circle to see them.  SORRY.  Why do you have to be rich to have a urinal?  Well, the first reason is simply  bathroom space.  I’m not sure if you knew this, but women can’t really use a urinal.  At least not effectively.  Also, you can’t READ A MAGAZINE on a urinal if you catch my drift.  Your everyday bathroom has almost no extra space.  And, if it did have extra space a urinal is way down on the list of how to utilize that bounty.  You see, no woman wants to look at urinal.  It can be the trendiest, sleekest, designed in flippin’ Norway looking urinal ever–it’s still a urinal.  Your average woman will not have that in their bathroom.  No way, NO HOW.  So I think most people with urinals have their own personal bathroom.  That’s another level of wealth and house size that eliminates a large group of people.  So, I’m going to say, be patient.  One of these days you’ll see the elusive domestic urinal.  

Q: Is the French 76 masculine or feminine? I ask because it seems like it is catered to women, yet I’ve only ever seen men drink it.  Rose Spritzer, Ocean City, NJ

A: Well, I needed to do some research here.  A French 76 isn’t really in my drinking vocabulary.  Did you say gin and tonic?  NO?  It’s definitely called a French 76–then I have no idea what that is.  According to various search engines, there is a French 75 and a French 76.  Both include champagne, but the 75 is gin based and the 76 has vodka.  Also, there appears to be some disagreement about whether or not the 76 should include grenadine syrup.  This is a big deal, because pretty much anything with grenadine syrup is going to turn out pink in color.  Assuming its pink, then I suppose the drink is, at least superficially, feminine.  In the annals of drinking, alcohol was sweetened, given FUN COLORS (things of that nature) to appeal to non-drinkers.  If a shot of whiskey was the only option at a bar–they wouldn’t do as well.  Personally, I don’t like sweet drinks and I don’t particularly like champagne either, so I don’t think the French 76 would be for me, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t for men in general.  I’d say drinking a French 76 for a guy might be like wearing a pink shirt.  It’s a feminine color, but a guy can still wear it and be masculine.  At the same time, it’s not something every man would choose to do.  But honestly, if you’ve seen enough people drink this cocktail to draw a conclusion, I’ve got some questions for you.

Q:  Daniel Day Lewis: Great Actor, or a little annoying?  Both?  Doesn’t the guy owe us a terrible movie?  Hawkeye Lincoln, Devon, PA.

A:  I suppose Daniel Day Lewis doesn’t really cooperate with our modern perception of an actor.  Haven’t seen him on many US Weekly covers.  Not sure if he’s in the mix for Jennifer Lawrence.  Are actors more or less interesting if all they do is act?  I’m not sure about that one.  DDL is selective and I guess that’s why he could be annoying.  Suppose you are a HUGE FAN and have to wait three years for him to make a movie.  Zach Galifianakis gets hot and suddenly he’s in 30 movies in six months.  Your desire for Zach HAS BEEN SATED.  It’s always helpful to have a counterpoint in an argument too.  If someone is telling you how great Galifianakis is you can quickly say, “Did you catch Dinner For Schmucks?”  Because that is EASILY one of the worst comedies ever made.  It’s a real black eye on Zach’s record.  Most actors have this, from Affleck’s famous turn in Gigli to Jack Nicholson in Mars Attacks to Denzel in Book of Eli–no one is perfect.  But, the perception is that Daniel Day Lewis is perfect and I will say I find that annoying.  He’s been high-brow the whole way, no money grabs, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t made a terrible movie.  I haven’t seen The Crucible, or The Unbearable Lightness of Being but I guarantee one of them is awful.  

Q:  What is the best decade in which to be born (last 100 years)?  Doc Brown, Hill Valley, CA.

A:  Tough question.  I assume everyone would have their own criteria, but I am going to use a few to quickly narrow down the field.  First, I don’t want anything to do with the Great Depression or the Dust Bowl so I’m going to nix the 1920s and 1930s.  I also don’t think I have the fortitude to be involved in any war so that does a number on the 1940s and 1950s as well.  So, that cuts the field almost in half right there.  We’re down to the last fifty years.  I think to pick between the remaining decades you’ve got to decide how married you are to technology, when you want to retire, your opinion on global warming, gas prices and whether or not you wanted to be a heavy smoker as a teenager.  I like modern technology to a certain extent, but I see people becoming more and more dependent on it and I see kindergarten kids running around with cell phones and I’m not sure I would want to be that kid.  Is an iPad more fun than throwing a ball around INSIDE THE HOUSE?  I don’t know.  Is Xbox better than original Nintendo?  PROBABLY NOT.  So, I’m going to pass on the 2010s and 2000s as well.  Too high-tech for me.  I want my childhood imagination cultivated by boredom, not by the Apple store.  The remaining contestants are the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s.  I’m no hippie, I don’t really care about music and I’d like the Civil Rights Act passed before I enter the world, so I’m booting the 60s.  Being born in the 1990s means too much competition for jobs, too much college debt, and too much reliance on Twitter for your social life.  Nixed.  That brings you to the only two real choices.  70s vs 80s.  Now, there’s a big difference here between born in 1971 and 1989, but hardly any at all between 1979 and 1980.  When I think of children of the 1970s, I think GenX, I think about people who saw John Hughes movies IN THE THEATER and not on the couch with their older siblings.  But, I think 80s kids have better TV, they got to experience college with the internet and they’re still young enough to plan on retirement without social security.  Forced to pick an actual decade, I’d take the 1980s.  Ten year span, I’d go 1974-1984ish.  

Q: Have you seen the Oreo Mega Stuf?  Is there a how far is too far discussion that needs to be had here?  Gordo Kreme, Boise, ID.

Don't You Dare Spell Stuff Correctly.

Don’t You Dare Spell Stuff Correctly.

Oh, these?  Yeah, I’ve seen them.  Oreos are the best cookie for debate.  What flavor is the best, what level of STUF do you like, you could do seminars, college courses, weekend think tanks–all on the Oreo.  You know a cookie is good when you can’t decide what is the best part.  Do I like the cookie more?  The STUF?  Personally, I like the combination.  I’m not one to eat the cookie first, or to eat the STUF out of the middle.  When I was a kid I did those things, but that’s because I was bored (it was the 80s) and it was a convoluted way to make them last.  Now, I just shove them in my overactive mouth.  I like regular Oreos, but I’m afraid I might like double STUF a bit more.  What is the STUF made of?  I DON’T KNOW.  Is there a tipping point?  Is there a ratio question like with M&Ms?  There could be, but I think the flavor of the Oreo cookie is so distinct, so bold, that I think it can balance MEGA STUF.  That’s my professional opinion without trying the cookies.  I am afraid this is the limit, though.  If the go MAGNA STUF, I’d probably have to pass.  (yeah right)

Belated Photo Bag:

Tom Kite Violates the Shorts > Glasses Theorem.

Tom Kite Violates the Shorts > Glasses Theorem.


4 thoughts on “A Mailbag.

  1. that photo is tooo disturbing.
    once again, out-did yourself…i loved the French 76 report and the comparison of man with a pink drink like man handling a pink shirt, spoke to me and is GQ mag worthy.


    i’d really like to see some oreo Mega Stuf – hint hint, might make a Mega Vday gift.

    and for the next mailbag: does a comparison of two like things – ie, Scarlett v. Calista, better actress name? constitute a game?

    i think so. because why does every GAME have to require explicit winners? in my world, this game – everybody wins, it’s SUBJECTIVE.


  2. So I thought of a fun way for me and the Mrs to bound: gambling on the Oscars. Really tells you a lot about me there. Anyway. I ask her who she thinks the favorite is and I put some coin on it. The woman knows her stuf (ode to the Oreo, which is another topic for another day). She rattled off who she likes and they’re all the favorites. Sounds like easy money to me. Well, it’s too easy. Argo is -800 for best picture. I thought that was extreme until I got to Daniel Day Lewis. He is -30000. Yes, the gambling odds don’t have commas so I had to count those zeros closely. That’s THIRTY THOUSAND to win one hundred. I’m not sure you can have more of a lock. Do you think someone could actually toss down 90,000 to win 300? Or 300 to win 1? Wild.

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