Do you think the pig gets enough credit as the King of Breakfast? I’m not sure where pork stands in the meat eating world. I imagine a lot of people would say, “Well, a Pig is no COW.” The cow is our meat overlord. And, there’s some truth to that, but the pig is more versatile than Jose Oquendo. Just look at the breakfast table, or better yet a breakfast buffet. Are the hotel pans alive with the sound of crackling bacon? Sausage? Ham? Pork Roll? What part of the pig is pork roll? I DON’T KNOW. But, it eats pretty good. There’s even scrapple if pork roll is a little too high brow for your tastes. Sure, you can get yourself an order of steak and eggs, but that’s all you get. How about eggs and pork six ways? That’s what I thought. So, when eating breakfast–the most important meal of the day–take a moment to reflect. I think Charlotte put it best, “Some Pig.” A mailbag…
Q: Why does every single website require you to log in? U. Sername, Porch Swing, MI.
A. Part of me thinks it’s because they can. They want to exert that power over you. Oh, you’d like to pay a bill online? Buy a pair boots? Meet your future wife? That’s going to require a bit of information and you just provide it willingly, because in that moment you are a sheep–a slave to commercialism. I think the real reason, though, is that a valid email address is a currency. They can pepper you with SPAM. They track your buying habits. They may even know what kind of YouTube videos you like. All of this is then used to make you buy even more stuff as they cater their promotions specifically to you. They may also sell your information. WHY NOT? I’m sure there is some theoretical value assigned to email addresses. If you had a list of 1 million emails, someone would tell you that it was worth SOMETHING. Now, they wouldn’t give you a dime, but they’d call it an asset. It’s kind of like if your Facebook page gets a hundred thousand “likes.” That must mean something, I just don’t know what that would be. But, if the log in page is really getting you down, I suggest some experimentation into aliases.
Q: Does one sport produce or cater to more pampered/spoiled children than all the others? There’s got to be an inordinate number of spoiled monsters playing sweet lax, correct? Mohr Chocolate, Towson, MD.
A: Well, they don’t call it sweet, sweet lax for nothing, but we shouldn’t really single out the kids here and I don’t know if you can narrow it down to one sport. I think there is a type of parent who just spoils their kid and regardless of the sport they are playing the kid is going to make you want to throw up. The vision of a spoiled kid to me is actually related to baseball. I see batting gloves. The newest batting gloves. More than a bat, or a nice Easton bat bag, a tube of eye black or a Rawlings Gold Glove, the batting gloves always said two things to me–soft and spoiled. No kid NEEDS batting gloves. It’s the summer. The pitcher is throwing 43 mph. There’s no pine tar, BUT the bats HAVE GRIPS on them. So, if you get your kid batting gloves, you’re spoiling them. I never really had a pair despite plenty of evidence pointing to me being spoiled. So, I don’t think this is really a sport specific phenomenon, but if you want to break it down to dollar values you have to go with a sport that doesn’t have a uniform. At least lax parents don’t shell out for various game day outfits. You have a kid on the AJGA golf circuit and he’s going to need about a thousand dollar wardrobe. Ever go to a horse show? Oh, that’s a cute shirt! It should be–it cost SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS.
Q: Did You Know that the Washington Kastles recently won their 34th straight Team Tennis match and they then made claim to the longest winning streak in American Professional Sports. You know, one more win than the Lakers. Is the most ridiculous/embarrassing claim in history? Patrick McInrow, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I’m glad you asked this, because I have no idea what THE HELL Team Tennis is and why it’s played. I always kind of thought it was an exhibition? Like when Pete Sampras plays Roger Federer in front of the oil magnates in Dubai and they split the 1st two sets on purpose and then give 71% in the final set? I guess, according to some light reading I just did that the players are actually trying to win in Team Tennis. There is always an odd mixture of players on these teams. I feel like you occasionally see Jim Courier playing doubles against Jim the club champion at the Port Authority Racket and Skeet Club. Can you make a living playing Team Tennis? Do people go watch it? What the hell is a Kastle? So many questions. I’ve sidetracked myself. So, what could possibly be a more embarrassing claim? It would have to be something that is barely a sport. Maybe the WWE claiming to have a Heavyweight Champion of the World? I’m at a loss. Nothing is more embarrassing than Team Tennis.
Q: Would you rather get a really good haircut and have to sit there for 40 minutes, or take your chances with a five minute special? Assume they are the same price. Nick D. Earlobe, Musket Smoke, Idaho.
A: As a kid I went to a pretty reputable hair place and there was also a period where I would not allow my hair to be washed in the sink, so while that did save me a couple minutes the process still easily took 30 minutes. This is how long I thought a haircut took. And, we’re talking guy haircuts here. I’m pretty sure 40 minutes is practically a drive-thru experience at the salon for the ladies. But, I really didn’t know it was possible to get my haircut in under 30 minutes until I went to my first butcher shop. The longest part of that afternoon was me trying to explain I didn’t want my ear outlined like a Jack-O-Lantern and then POOF I was done. A whirlwind of scissors and best guesses. Have I ever been pleased with this type of haircut? Not really. Generally, it takes a week or so for it to grow out and start looking a little less violent? But there is something to be said for the efficiency. No appointment. No small talk. Having someone try to make conversation with me WHILE touching my head for 40 minutes? That’s up there on a list of all-time nightmare scenarios. And, I don’t go for the head massage, or the hot towelette, or the flirting, that doesn’t really do it for me. I imagine at least 25% of all men want to be MORE THAN FRIENDS with their “stylist,” but not me. This question all comes down to the quality of the haircut for me, and I’ve got to take the quick one in the end. After a couple of weeks it’s going to look the same anyway, right? RIGHT?
Q: I just noticed that over at Grantland Russell Wilson is considered the second most valuable trade commodity in the NFL. Any thoughts on this, and can we get a preview on your level of Russell Wilson hate for 2013? Dan McGuire, Seattle, WA.
A: You know right up until I got this question I had spent a long and peaceful off-season without Russell Wilson in my mind. I was so haunted by that playoff game against the Falcons, sitting in that bar, watching what I assumed was a room full of Eagles’ fans swoon. It was disgusting. Go ahead and take a rooting interest, but try to at least keep a grip on a bit of integrity. The good news is that with Chip Kelly in Philadelphia I think I can avoid an onslaught of Russell Wilson coverage. Why talk Wilson when you can talk Matt Barkley vs. Nick Poles? It’s the national people who will be obsessed with Wilson (and Griffin/Luck/Kaepernick) and hoping they can rebuild the monument that may have eroded a bit in the off-season. One of the things that bothers me with Wilson is that the people who write about him are so satisfied with themselves for praising him, and fall head first for this “born leader charisma” horsebleep. At least the article at Grantland focuses on Wilson as a football player. That said, I think you have to be brain dead to list Wilson as the 2nd most valuable trading commodity in the NFL. The list, has its odd moments, in my opinion. Grantland also has him ranked at the 7th best Fantasy QB, which is a bit easier to stomach. If I’m an NFL GM, assuming I can get any of these QBs back, Wilson is out the door: Rodgers/Luck/Griffin/Kaepernick/Ryan/Stafford and I’d think very hard about the veteran guys like Brady/Manning/Brees despite their contracts and small windows. I think three great chances to win a Super Bowl might be better than having Russell Wilson for 10 years. Then there are other players I’d consider, stop me when you’ve heard enough, JJ Watt, Megatron, AP, AJ Green. I think that about covers it. Guess that’s why I don’t write for Grantland. I think Wilson is still going to torment me for a bit, before he gets figured out, dinged up and turns into what I’m going to call the poor man’s version of Don McNabb. Burn.
Q: What if there was a car horn that instead of making the regular noise could utter phrases, like “Stop Texting,” or “You’re Driving is Mediocre.” Honk F. Urhornee, Mustard Seed, IA.
A: That would be pretty funny. I’m sure it’s not legal, because it would be too startling. I know a horn is supposed to snap you to attention, but you are conditioned to hear that noise. It alerts you, but at the same time–you know what it is. OK, car horn, put down the phone, go through the green light. That’s life. If it was a loud voice–you might freak. You’d panic, crush the accelerator and plow into a gully. We couldn’t have that. It’d probably also ramp up road rage. Drivers already lose it when someone blows the horn at them–even if they are in the wrong. I KNOW I’M NOT PAYING ATTENTION, but (expletive, expletive) you anyway. When I hear a horn I think, Oh, they better NOT be honking at me. My driving is PERFECTION. I think we’re getting close to everything being hands free and at some point text-driving probably will no longer be a concern, just like no one cares anymore about having a place to tie up their horse outside the bank. Of course, at that point, we’ll probably be onto a whole other set of driving concerns–people getting run over by whisper quiet hybrids–or something.