Week One NFL Picks

Brought to You by The Shed.*

Brought to You by The Shed.*

*Not really.

I’m not sure how the world will react to the end of the NFL Pick ‘Em Ladies.  My gut says the reaction will be poor, mutinous even, but all great and mildly pervy things must come to an end.  And, if you really need some help finding pictures of beautiful women on the internet–shoot me a private message.  I can help you out,

The theme for Pick ‘Em this year will be beer.  I’m one of those d*pshits that really likes IPA.  I think this puts me between two worlds.  For those who matriculate their way through a 12-pack of Busch every weekend, I’m probably a beer snob.  But, for actual beer snobs, those who drink barley wines and blueberry stouts, I’m a bit of a simpleton.  Someone who doesn’t know any better.

Both of these groups of people, if they are inclined to think this way about my personal tastes can also be inclined to kiss my entire ass.  When did it become a crime to be particular.  So no, I don’t like fruit beers, wheat beers, or nut brown ales.  I will go to my grave arguing that pumpkin is not a flavor.  Pumpkins are DECORATIVE.  Just because something grows, doesn’t mean you have to eat it.  These are my preferences.  If you want to bathe in Punkin’ Ale, go right ahead, I’ll just mind my own business.

When I buy beer, a very complex process in its own right, it usually boils down to one question.  Am I sorry I didn’t just get a six pack of Sierra Nevada?  There’s nothing worse than being cute AND disappointed.  So, in this  spot every week I will offer up one beer that I’ve recently sampled and weigh in on whether or not I was sorry I didn’t get Sierra.  It’ll probably be 95% IPAs and only beers you can get in 6-packs.  This whole, sell you four beers, charge for you a six-pack price is complete and total horsebleep.

Week One:  The Shed Brewery India Pale Ale

The Shed Brewery started in Stowe, Vermont (Sugarbush IS Stowe–hooah), but they eventually sold out and now the beer is bottled in MIddlebury, which I imagine undermines their credibility a great deal.  But, I defy you to not at least try a beer from a place called “The Shed.”  It’s so folksy.  As you can see above, The Shed loses its head quickly and is bit foggy (there will be a hint of beer nonsense in the bottom of your glass), but it’s got a great color and I found myself pleasantly surprised for the price (10 American).

Am I sorry I didn’t get Sierra:  NO, but not quite good enough to become a regular.

***

Final 2012 Pick ‘Em Standings:  

  1. JCK, 49-35-1
  2. Big Dub, 46-37-2
  3. Nichols, 46-38-1
  4. DC, 46-38-1
  5. Kraft, 43-41-1
  6. Grossy, 39-43-3

***

Big Dub (1-0)

Tennessee (+7) over Pittsburgh.  When you trade for Felix Jone and cut your backup I’m going to assume your running game sucks. The Steelers o-line is also rancid. Titans outright.

Tampa Bay (-3.5) over New York Jets.  If Tampa scores 4 points, they cover.

Kansas City (-3.5) over Jacksonville.  Hop on Fat Andy’s bandwagon while there’s room.

Philadelphia (+4) over Washington.  RG3 has to struggle, right?

***

DC (1-0)

Tampa Bay (-3.5) over New Jersey Jets.  Geno Smith, may you be responsible for a play so inglorious that the DA scoring for that play is forever named in your honor.

Cleveland (Pick) over Miami.  CLE is due for a step forward after finally stepping out from the shadows of the Chris Palmer era.  Miami’s best option at RB appears to be hoping for one final healthy season from Bernie Parmalee.

Cincinnati (+3) over Chicago.  The line seems wrong for a team as talented as CIN.  CIN outright, perhaps by a considerable margin.  CIN 26, CHI 13.

Houston (-4) over San Diego.  Oh really?  Only 4 points?  Stan Humphries is not walking through that door.

***

Kraft:  

Tampa Bay (-3.5) over Jets.  Rule #1: When you can’t name one person on a team’s offense, you need 14 points.  You want a decent prop bet for Vegas this weekend?  Put $10 on Geno Smith to “butt fumble.”  Thank me on Monday.

Cincinnati (+3) over Chicago.  As crazy as this sounds, Cincy has been building the right way- actually making solid draft choices. They have built a good defense, gone to the playoffs and are on the cusp. They won’t win a playoff game until their QB starts going by ‘Andrew’, since it is an unwritten rule that ‘Andy’ cannot be the name for a leader of a football team, but this isn’t January. What helps their case is that Jay Cutler stinks.

Kansas City (-3.5) over Jacksonville.  How was Blaine Gabbert a 1st round pick?

Carolina (+3.5) over Seattle.  I feel like the Seattle Bandwagon is a little full and the cross country trip gets them.  Cam Newton has a big game and they actually beat a good team.

Philadelphia (+4) over Washington.  I don’t buy Washington. Ill take the points and rely on my blind faith in chip Kelly. I also cannot take any more of the RG3 saga: operation patience and the 3 part espn series on what a winner he is….the NFL films recap of the Washington redskins 2013 season will be titled:”Operation .500′.

***

Grossy:

Tennessee (+7) over Pittsburgh.  Here’s a tasty nugget for you–the Steelers stink.  Big Ben isn’t just their best player on offense, he’s their only player.  One of these years, Ben is going to go from big and durable to chunky and awful.  Could be this year.  Rumor is, the Titans are actually going to play this year with offensive lineman–bet accordingly

New Orleans (-3) over Atlanta.  I love the Falcons, but this is the worst spot in the history of spots.  This is the “We’re Back,” game for the Saints and Sean Payton.  He’s been game planning for this for about 18 months.  It might be 49-45, but it’ll be a cover.  Brees’ game might make Peyton’s look “adorable” by comparison.

Green Bay (+5) @ San Francisco. What if the Niners aren’t as good as they were last year?  I’m floating that theory, see if it can get any legs.  Five points seems like a good deal when you’ve got Aaron Rodgers.  My whole fantasy season rests on Randall “Cunningham” Cobb, so might as well be optimistic.

Tampa Bay (-3.5) over New York Jets.  How original!  But, really I think you have to bet against the Jets until they prove you wrong.  They couldn’t even run a pre-season camp.  I don’t think they have any good players.  Bilal “Colin” Powell?  Did they get Al Toon’s son?  Please don’t take this as an endorsement of Tampa–they’re a steaming garbage pile also.

Dallas (-3) over New York Giants.  I think that Dallas will be at their best early, when everyone is healthy and there is relatively low pressure.  This could be a pretty good regular season team and they definitely will be a dangerous offense.  All I hear about the Giants is people continue to get hurt at alarming rates.  Feels like a home game where the ‘Boys give Jerry and his mega brain some false hope.

***

Nichols:

  1. Tampa Bay (-3.5) over New York Jets
  2. Carolina (+3.5) over Seattle
  3. Indy (-10) over Oakland
  4. Green Bay (+5) over San Francisco
  5. Houston (-4) over San Diego

***

JCK, (1-0)

  1. Tampa Bay (-3.5) over New York Jets
  2. Green Bay (+5) over San Francisco
  3. New England (-10) over Buffalo
  4. Houston (-4) over San Diego
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19 thoughts on “Week One NFL Picks

  1. That’s huge. Thanks for the info. I never liked the Tumbler, and mourn the loss of the ESB. I’ll definitely have my eyes open for it.

  2. Meant to say I appreciated the lead-off spot being given to a Vermont beer. I’m not sure I’ve had the IPA from Shed but I’ve had the Mountain Ale a number of times which is one of my personal favorites, although perhaps a little more brown than you might like.

  3. Well, as long as it’s not too brown and nutty…

    vermont has a lot of good beers, you’ve got to give credit where credit is due.

    • I didn’t know rules of gambling applying to the preordained Super Bowl Champion Seahawks. I mean, you’d like to think they could fly to Brazil and beat the Panthers. We’ll see.

  4. Oh boy, Greg sciano needs to meet with a real estate agent tomorrow morning…and so will josh freeman. Wow is that a bad loss.
    And thank you Blaine- my DA stud comes out of the gate strong: shutout at home and a 30 QB rating.

  5. I want to have chip Kelly’s baby- and the scary part is that I don’t think they had any pass yds in the 2nd half…Vick still holds on to the ball way too long which will be this teams downfall, but that was fun to watch. And lesean McCoy is the most elusive RB in the NFL
    Espn can shelve the RG3 mini series

    • I love that ppl are fawning over one week of chip kelly’s offense and “all the plays they run”. NE ran more, but a lot. So did I think 2 other teams. Womp womp, it’s still going to be a cluster eff.

  6. Just A Note, the Tuesday Morning Self-Esteem Check will be replaced by the Sometime Tuesday Self Esteem Check this year. Should be up by this evening.

    I think most of the DA Games were pretty straightforward. But Carlos Danger did nip Tampa Ticklesh*ts in a thriller. More later.

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