Return To Sender, Rejected Mail From the North Pole.

Lots of Bacogon, but the One Bat Mobel with Suffice.

Lots of Bacogon, but the One Bat Mobel with Suffice.

It seems like posting your kid’s Christmas list online has become a new way to try to draw attention to your blog, or to garner Facebook likes, and I can’t say I’m surprised.  Kids are designed to raise your social media profile.  That’s what they’re for, so post away.  It seems like the lists take three forms.  First, they might highlight incredibly bad penmanship and spelling like the list above.  Look at my 5-year old try to spell!  Hilarious.  Second, the kid could be asking for a list of preposterous things: cash, dinosaurs, bat mobels–whatever.  And, lastly, the kid could be doing something cute like, “Dear Santa, can you get my mommy a different job so I can see her when I get home from school?”  Then you post that and wait for the job offers to come pouring in.   In my youth, I believe I was more of a list-maker than a letter writer.  It didn’t matter to me who was getting the stuff.  If you want to outsource to Santa–GO AHEAD.  It’s all the same to me.

*I wrote this before Christmas, when it was SO timely, and then didn’t come anywhere close to finishing the post.  But, I’m not deleting it, so put yourself in a December 19th kind of mood.

Q: Do two people ever meet at a bar, order a couple of sodas and that’s it? I mean, do people meet for a drink if it’s not coffee or alcohol?  And, if they do, where does this happen?  Bud Dry, Golden, CO.

A: I think this happens.  You just need to go back in time, hit up the counter at WOOLWORTH’S, and there will be countless people sharing a soda.  Is soda being phased out by the way?  Between sugared waters, energy drinks and toddlers lining up like fiends at Starbucks, is soda even relevant at this point?  I outgrew soda my freshman year of college when it was all you can drink in the dining hall.  I hit my limit and now probably have three a year. ALL ROOT BEERS–for nostalgia.  Anyway, I think people probably meet for non-alcoholic drinks, but I’m not sure they would go to a bar, and if they did perhaps they’d be one of those people who just drinks club soda straight (for god knows what reason).  If two people are having a nice convo and a soda I feel like they’re probably at the concession stand of a T-ball game, Friendlys, or sitting on a bench outside of a 7-11.  The bottom line is, if you want to talk to someone and no food is involved, you better be a booze bag or know your way around some venti horsebleep.  

Q: Talk to me about clementines.  Those miniature, orange things.  Am I correct in thinking if they were around all year no one would give an expletive about them?  Gray P. Froot, Jacksonville, FL.

A:  I did some research on the clementine, because  I’m not as well-rounded as I’d like to be on produce and it turns out the clementine gained popularity in the United States in the nineties during an especially poor orange harvest.  No word on whether or not the Duke brothers were involved.  But, anyway, as an outsider my main issue with the clementine is why do I have to get 40 of them?  Oh you want a clementine?  Here’s a shipping crate full of them! ENJOY.  I like to pick my fruit carefully (on the rare occasions when I buy fruit).  I would NEVER buy a bag of apples, unless it was for a horse, so I can’t endorse the Costco-esque quantities.  None of this is answering your question.  Is the clementine the shamrock shake of fruits? The Cadbury egg of citrus?  I do think they have a bit of seasonal novelty.  After all, they are known in some parts as “Christmas oranges,” so that can’t be ignored completely, but the clementine does appear to bring something to the table aside from novelty.  That’s sweetness and seedlessness.  Seems like something that would sell, at least moderately well, year round.   To some people, for me, orange is a flavor best experienced in popsicles.

Q: What percentage of the nation’s reading do you think takes place on the toilet?  I’m thinking if people answer honestly, we’re approaching 50%.  Tuck Padd, Boise, ID.

A:  I don’t know, that sounds awfully high.    Sometimes I wonder why reading on the can is so popular.  Does it take people that long?  Is it boredom?  Or are people just taking a breather from life in there?  I could think of better places to relax, but sometimes you can’t pick which door you can hide behind.  I never understood the bathroom reading when I was a kid.  We had a basket full of reading material in our downstairs bathroom, but I didn’t really see the point of it, until I got a bit older.  Now I’m a pretty big sh*tter scholar, but I stop short of the people who celebrate their bathroom reading lifestyle.  I’m sure we’ve all worked with someone who marches around with the sports section and announces to anyone within earshot, “I’LL BE IN MY OTHER OFFICE.”  This is, for my money, not necessary.  I think some people probably do ALL their reading on the toilet and phones make this job a whole lot easier these days.  But, I think the people who read the most do the majority of their reading with THEIR PANTS UP.  So, because of that, I’m going to put the overall number at 10%.  Seems fair.  

Q:  What’s going to happen to all the pot dealers in Colorado?  

A:  I hope they can put a little kiosk at the end of their driveway and continue to ply their trade.  I have no idea what the long term effects of the legal pot trade will be, but I’m not particularly worried about the pot dealers.  NO OFFENSE.  I’m sure if they want to they can move into another realm of illegal drug trafficking.  I hear prescription pills are a growing industry.  And, from the looks of the lines going down the street in Colorado, they might want to hire some dealers to work at these legal dispensaries.  I imagine the money would be somewhat less lucrative.  And, I also imagine that individuals will continue to sell pot in Colorado, right?  Not everyone is going to go to these new places. I am a little lukewarm on the idea of legalizing pot.  I don’t know why.  I’ve had generally bad experiences with people who smoke A LOT, so maybe that’s it, or maybe I’m just being a huge hypocrite.  

Q: If you had to play in Green Bay this weekend (possibly coldest NFL game ever played) do you think you’d be the guy out there in short sleeves, or the guy wearing a full head sock and a fanny pack hand warmer?  E. Muffs, Kenosha, WI.

A:  Well, it’s very cold in Pennsylvania today.  Not Wisconsin cold, but it was cold enough to freeze my hair solid as I extricated my car from my parking spot.  That’s a real, REAL solid look.  Let me tell you.  And later in the day I popped outside for a brief moment in my shirtsleeves and that was not comfortable–at all.  You know that some fan is going to be at the game without a shirt on, but that fan is also going to be completely sh*t-housed and as a player you’d have to be sober.  I never played football, so I don’t know about the warmth or lack thereof in wearing pads, etc., but I do know that physical activity can keep you warm for short periods of time in very cold temperatures.  I used to wear gloves during a jogging phase and they were great until about two miles in when it felt like I had stuck my hand in a furnace.  And, do forearms get particularly cold?  I think if you kept your core and extremities warm that you could conceivably get away with short sleeves.  But, what would I be doing?  If I was “in” that game, it’s probably likely I’d be safely on the bench, which means I’d be in full hood, parka, fanny pack hand warmer, etc.  This despite being a generally warm person, 20 below is no joke.  

Q:  Am I the only one offended by the notion of, or the quest for a hangover cure?  You got hammered.  That’s what happens.  Suck it up, or don’t drink–baby.  Harry O’Dogg, Atlantic City, NJ.

A:  My drinking now is governed by a severe aversion to being hungover.  I try not to complain too much when I overindulge, but it does seem a bit pointless.  What did you think was going to happen when you sucked down seven different kinds of alcohol over the course of one evening?  I read recently about a guy who started a business that offered hangover cures.  Essentially he drops in the morning after you burn that mother down and hooks you up to an IV bag.  He hydrates and replenishes you much faster than you can yourself with Gatorade, four bags of fast food, pedialyte, or a bloody mary.  I think this service costs nearly a thousand dollars, so you know, it’s not QUITE mainstream.  More economical hangover cures in my experience, do not work.  A sampling of what I’ve heard over the years:

  1. Exercise
  2. Drink 7 gallons of water before bed
  3. Raw eggs in some form
  4. More liquor
  5. Grease
  6. Consenting adult time
  7. Pedialyte (from bottle or in popsicle form)
  8. Drink only Coors Light (might actually work)

Like I said, almost none of these work.  I was only so desperate to try more drinking one time in my life and OH MY was that not a great idea.  The only thing that works for me is the 2nd sleep.  You wake up the first time and it’s like you never went to bed, because your body was doing gymnastics trying to process those 11 G&T’s.  So once that’s finally over, the next time you sleep is your cure.  Unfortunately, as a functioning, non-c0llege student adult this usually has to wait until the evening when you go to bed.  Thus, the full-day hangover that haunts us all.  Not that I’m complaining.

 

 

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