It is crunch time. In the NFL, in Pick ‘Em, in your fantasy league, but I’m not interested in exploring that incredibly original content. I want to talk about crunch in food form. I have a texture complaint against a lot of healthy food. It’s not necessarily the flavor of the berry, or the GRAPE, that bothers me–more the texture. If these things were crunchy like an apple, I’d love to eat them all the time. YUM–fruit salad for days. It’s a matter of smoothness vs. mushiness. Mashed potatoes? Smooth. A green bean? MUSH. Ice cream? Smooth. Random melon? MUSH. Crunch is a little more complicated. There is good crunch and bad crunch. It needs to be handled on a case by case basis. Some examples…
Good Crunch: Chips in a Sandwich
Why have the chips on the side when you can just condense? The key here is that the chips are neutral in temperature and hold up well. Which brings me to…
Bad Crunch: Lettuce on a Burger
A piece of lettuce will remain crunchy, if it ever was, on a hot burger for ABOUT…three seconds. Then it turns into a wet tissue. So, we want to heat up the lettuce and cool down the burger? Is that the strategy here? No lettuce on hot sandwiches. JESUS. And, the next time someone puts hot chicken in my Caesar wrap…strongly worded complaint coming.
Good Crunch: Oreo Cookie
Crunchy cookies can be a real red flag, but you want the chocolate part of the OREO to snap to attention. Anything less than that and they’re probably stale, which is unfortunate, but doesn’t mean you should stop eating them.
Bad Crunch: Nestle Crunch
People insist on ruining good chocolate. Even if you are a chocolate snob and think Nestle is junk (get over yourself), you still shouldn’t condone putting crunch into a chocolate bar. And, what the hell is that stuff anyway? Is that f*cking rice? IN CHOCOLATE? What is wrong with you people?
Anyway, I could go on and on like this for some time, but there are picks to make, lives to lead.
Week 12 NFL Picks:
Big Dub, Record: 26-19
- New England (-7) over Detroit
- Baltimore (+3.5) over New Orleans
- Denver (-7) over Miami
- Seattle (-6.5) over Arizona
- Green Bay (-9.5) over Minnesota
Grossy, Record: 27-23
Cleveland (+3) over Atlanta. Josh Gordon is back. He’s vowed to tear up the league. Not sure what else you need to hear. The guy sets his mind to something–it’s done. Sold cars like a champ for 11 weeks, now he’s going to go off on the Falcons–who could lose to anyone at any time. OUTRIGHT.
Tennessee (+11) over Philadelphia. I know the consensus is the Eagles will easily bounce back and crush Tennessee. They probably should. There’s only room for one ‘berger QB in this league and it ain’t Mettenberger. BUT, I think the Eagles could start slow here, there’s some turmoil going on with Shady I think, and I just see a sloppy win. Visionary stuff.
Green Bay (-9.5) over Minnesota. We’re just going to ride this one until it bucks us. It’s a road game, which means the Packers might not score 50 points, but they had 70 last week if they needed them. Know that. I’m not sure bringing in Ben Taint is the answer for the Vikes.
San Francisco (-9) over Washington. Was last week rock bottom for the Redskins? Or can things get even worse? I think there’s room. Going on the road to the west coast seems like the perfect time to put a final flourish on this implosion. Do we know who Washington’s 3rd string QB is? He could see a few snaps.
Baltimore (+3.5) over New Orleans. The name recognition of both these teams outpaces their actual talent level at this point by miles. Might as well take the points.