Can Bacon be All Six of My Toppings?
What happened to Matt Schaub? Really. Ok, so maybe he wasn’t ever going to win you a Super Bowl, but he certainly wasn’t a consistent D.A. performer. He’s been on the fringes, at best, for the history of the league. He’s kind of like the poor man’s Matt Stafford. Sure, there are some bad games here or there, but he could also throw for 400 yards at the drop of a hat. Something isn’t right with the Texans’ offense. Does anyone actually watch the Texans? is it all Schaub’s fault?
For our purposes, we’re going to assume it’s all Schaub’s fault. That’s the narrative that supports our mission here. And last week, the effort that produced the sign above, you could certainly argue that it was all on Matty Buckles. That was one backbreaking pick-6, but the one he threw this week had to be equally deflating. Here we go again. We’re watching the worst stretch of Schaub’s career unfold before our eyes. He is on a pretty tough run of defenses: Tennessee, Baltimore, Seattle and SF. In the secondary-less NFL that’s about as hard as it’s going to get, but like I said, something isn’t right with Schaub. The confidence may be rattled. The Texans had no shot in SF and I think everyone, including bald Joe Flacco, knew it before the coin toss. The result: 19-35, 0TDs, 3 INTs, 1 Pick-6 and a meaty 32.2 QB rating. Matt Schaub, ladies and gentlemen!
D.A. Fantasy Football Standings:
- Team Horse Face, 4-1
- Eli Esses D, 3-2
- D.A.iry Queen, INC, 3-2
- Fake Chow, 2-3
- Happy Valley Tickle Monsters, 2-3
- Carlos Danger, 2-3
- Doubleback Vineyards, 2-3
- Tampa TIcklesh*ts, 2-3
D.A. Quick Summaries:
Tampa Ticklesh*ts upsets Undefeated Horse Face, -3.25 to -21 in a Stinker.
D.A. is wide open and look no further than this game. Horse Face, riding a huge winnings streak dating back to last year was showing no signs of trouble, but suddenly BOOM–Geno Smith, -18 points. That stings, especially on a Monday night. The disgusting competence of Smith allowed Tampa to sneak into the fringes of contention with a second straight win. Ryan Tannehill was the top performer in this mess with a measly 9.75 points.
D.A.iry Queen, INC gets by Happy Valley TIckle Monsters, 21 to (-17)
Solid performance for DQ, who noses above .500 with a pretty easy win. Kick-started by 14 points from EJ Manuel on Thursday, DQ used Colin Kaepernick’s inactivity on Sunday to pad their total a bit. For HVTM Carson Palmer was solid, but Jay Cutler continues to throw for too many yards (-30 points) and not enough picks to be a viable D.A. option.
Eli Esses D Takes Down Carlos Danger in 53.25 to 42 Thriller.
This is what you wish all D.A. games could be. No negative points. High scores, terrible play. Carlos, not surprisingly, snapped up Ryan Fitzpatrick with the second pick and the genius rewarded him with 36 points. First start in a while, immediately produces. That’s what we like to see. But, Fitzy’s performance was negated by the D.A. of the Week. Matt Schaub’s 41 points led the league and a mediocre game from Andy Dalton wasn’t enough to make up the difference for C-Danger.
Doubleback Vineyards Stays Alive with 47.75 to (-33) rout of Fake Chow.
When people ask me about D.A. I don’t have a lot of great strategies to give them. I preach inaccuracy, but the real rule of the league might be, “never leave a Jacksonville QB on the table.” Regardless of who it is. There was no way I was passing with the 1st pick, and Gabbert responded in style with 32 points and another benching. What’s going to happen in Denver this week? Oh my. Fake Chow got a huge game out of Eli Manning, but that was negated by Tony Romo and one of the worst games in D.A. history. 500 yards don’t help. At all.
***
Week Six Draft Order:
- Carlos
- Horse Face
- Fake Chow
- HVTM
- DQ
- Tampa
- Eli
- Doubleback
Week Six Matchups:
- Happy Valley Tickle Monsters vs. Eli Esses D.
- D.A.iry Queen INC, vs. Tampa Ticklesh*ts
- Doubleback Vineyards vs. Team Horse Face
- Fake Chow vs. Carlos Danger
3-Putt Territory 
DA ALERT DA ALERT DA ALERT
*ACTUAL DA SIGHTING*
And down in Carolina, the local faithful are beginning to stir for the head of Cam Newton, the former first overall pick who appears to have stagnated at quarterback for the Panthers. After a three-interception performance against the Cardinals in an ugly 22-6 loss last Sunday, the buzz about Newton losing his job began to build on local sports radio and Twitter. Those are admittedly two of the worst places in the world to look for coherent, logical opinions, but it’s fair to say that a notable subset of Panthers fans aren’t satisfied with Newton’s play.
To them and those worried about Newton’s development: chill. This is probably going to work out, because Newton is playing pretty well right now, just as he has over the course of his pro career. And even if Newton doesn’t end up being the long-term answer in Carolina, consider that the guy who would be picking up the starting duties for the Panthers would be one Derek Anderson. You know, the guy who is last in completion percentage and passer rating and third-to-last in yards per attempt among passers with 1,000 attempts or more since he joined the league in 2006. The guy who lost jobs to Brady Quinn, John Skelton, and Max Hall the last time he got NFL reps. Did Panthers fans see what Mike Glennon did for the Buccaneers and decide they needed a more mature, less-promising version to take over their team?
(Bill Barnwell)
Great News for D.A.
Less great news for my awful fantasy team which features Cam Newton as the starting QB