2013 D.A. Fantasy Football — Week 5.

One Eyebrow, Five Picks.

I didn’t go into too much depth with pre-season NFL predictions, but I certainly articulated enough to be wrong about several things already.  The most glaring mistake could have been my assessment of the Ravens.  The defending Super Bowl Champions are 2-2, but it’s a rough around the edges record that includes a loss to the feisty Bills.  I let experts sell me on Baltimore’s defense, but I also thought that the offense would be a dangerous bunch.  Obviously, Ray Rice’s condition hasn’t helped things, but did I forget about Joe Flacco? Did that Super Bowl make me soften my stance?  I had always led the anti-Flacco charge.  What happened?

Flacco got his ring and his huge deal, but the guy remains an inconsistent regular season performer.  Is he Super Mark Sanchez?  Is that the most insulting thing ever said about Joe Flacco?  Will he morph back into playoff Flacco if the Ravens make the post-season?  None of that really matters for D.A.  I think a six interception game is automatic D.A., but I wouldn’t go there for 5.  You have to pick it apart a bit.  DId any of them come in wild desperation?  Yes.  Did it come in a loss to a middling team?  Yes.  Was he also 25 of 50?  YES.  Did the Ravens throw the ball 32 straight times, making Flacco solely responsible for the outcome?  HELL YES.

Flacco had what I call a “volume” D.A.  Yeah, Gabbert was terrible, but Gabbert never gets to throw 50 times.  We should all be sorry for that.  So, for this week, Joe Flacco and his gaudy 56 points take the crown.

D.A. Fantasy Football Standings:

1. Team Horse Face, 4-0
2. Fake Chow, 2-2
3. Carlos Danger, 2-2
4. D.A.iry Queen, INC, 2-2
5. Happy Valley Tickle Monsters, 2-2
6. Eli Esses D, 2-2
7. Tampa Ticklesh*ts, 1-3
8. Doubleback Vineyards, 1-3

We have some separation at the top.  Pretty rare in a parity league like D.A.  And, for the rest, everyone obviously still right in it, but remember if things are going to be this close, you might want to start minding your overall point total.  I’ll update those in a week or two.

Quick Summaries:

Team Horse Face Marches On With 64 to .5 Win over Happy Valley Tickle Monsters

Horse Face is on an incredible roll and he didn’t even wait until Sunday this week, tabbing Sam Bradford on Thursday Night for 39 points.  That paired well with EJ Manuel’s 25 and the win was never in doubt.  Manuel proving to be a solid D.A. value, despite keeping Buffalo in games.  For HVTM, Ben Roethlisberger’s monster yardage day killed any chance for an upset.

D.A.iry Queen, INC gets back to .500 With 42.25 to (-16.75) Win over Carlos Danger

For DQ, it’s been all or nothing.  Two wins, and the lowest point total in their two losses.  This week they had the magic, locking up the erratic Matt Flynn early for 22 points and then sealing the win with Geno Smith.  Carlos Danger had our first brush with Matt Cassel this year, but it looks like anyone playing against that Steeler defense is a no-go.  Brian Hoyer, aka Matt Cassel part II disappointed again in another Browns win.

Tampa Ticklesh*ts Breaks Through With 51 to 36 Win over Doubleback Vineyards

A solid, high-scoring battle and finally Tampa ends up on the right side.  It came down to Monday night and a usually soft Saints defense obliged by picking Tannehill off 3 times.  Charged with bringing back the Fins from a big hole, Tanny was clearly not up to the task.  Doubleback got 34 points out of the rock-steady Eli Manning, but it wasn’t enough to keep from falling to 1-3.

Eli Esses D Explodes in an 85 to 29 Win over Fake Chow

This game had three of the week’s top performers.  Blaine Gabbert, Mike Glennon and Joe Flacco were all D.A. worthy in their own ways.  Glennon couldn’t stop hitting Patrick Peterson in the chest.  We’ve touched on Flacco and Gabbert.  The difference here was Fake Chow was saddled with Jake Locker, who hit for (-15) points before leaving the game with the injury. Disappointing effort by Locker, but it does open the door for Ryan Fitzpatrick’s triumphant return.

Week 5 Draft Order:

1. Doubleback
2. Carlos
3. Horse Face
4. Fake Chow
5. HVTM
6. DQ
7. Tampa
8. Eli

Week Five Matchups:

1. HVTM vs. D.A.iry Queen, INC
2. Team Horse Face vs. Tampa Ticklesh*ts
3. Eli Esses D vs. Carlos Danger
4. Fake Chow vs. Doubleback Vineyards